Lame!

This cycle is looking quite lame.  It's so lame that Doc told me there is a chance we may have to convert to IUI, so that I don't waste any of my insurance money.  Yikes!  I've got about four follicles popping at the moment.  That's a far cry from the 11 that were doing back flips during the last cycle.  So what have we learned?  Maybe acupuncture really does work.

Of course Witch Doctor delivers this news with the most positive spin, so I didn't immediately freak out.  I should also add that it was really early in the morning for me (I work the equivalent of a second shift, so I prefer to be a late riser.  However, Wally has taken that away from me).  I started to cry a little in the car, and Hubby consoled me.  I really don't have time to feel sorry for myself at the moment because I just went through the dogs' morning routine.  This is my first chance to sit down.  It's 11am.  I got home from the doctor's office at 8:30am.

Doc says these are the results she expected from me during the last IVF.  This is more in line with my DOR (bad eggs).  *sigh*  Anyway, I go see the surgeon on Wednesday, so I better get off of here and go fill out my new patient forms.

If you pray, and you want to pray for me, don't pray for my IVF or the quality of eggs.  Please  ask that I'm strong enough to accept whatever the outcome is.  Thanks.

Now, off to fill out forms that ask way more questions than I care to answer:-)

7 Days Post FET

Thank you so much for all of the positive vibes. My husband actually read the last blog and quickly began researching to dispute claims of predicting pregnancy with pulse.  He took time out of his day to come to my office and make sure I was ok.  I kept chanting Stick and Grow, until I mustered the strength to ask all of my praying folks to say an extra prayer for me and if they know about the twins, I asked them to pray for them too.

This morning I was better.  I wasn't blissfully positive, but I wasn't in the dumps either.  The closer we get to the Beta, the more of a reality this whole thing becomes.  Ya know?  I mean I am pregnant.  I saw the twins land in my uterus, but this test could...well you know.

We are in Florida today.

I spent most of the day travelling.  I am still not feeling any real pregnancy symptoms.  My uterus is crampy, but it's always crampy. It's one of my signs that the ol' period is coming, but I'm guessing the hormones are keeping it at bay for now.  I'm peeing up a storm, but that's because I have to drink so much water to take all of my hormones and supplements.  LOL

And speaking of drugs and supplements, have you ever tried travelling with all of that stuff.  OMG.  I have baggies, pill bottles and everything else you can think of stuffed with all my "magic" stuff:-)  Per usual, I was comparing myself to a 80-year-old and questioning how they keep up with all the pills.  When we got on the plane, my Husband found an electronic pill holder in the flight magazine.  We laughed so hard.  He said he'd buy it for me, until he saw it was more than $250.

As for the twins, you know the drill by now: STICK AND GROW.  Despite my uncertainty about how they are fairing, I still chant it to push the negative thoughts away.  Guess what?  Tomorrow is the big blood test.  I can't bring myself to pee on a stick, so  I'll just be waiting for Beta results.  My RE, who I love to love and love to hate, is just as anxious as I am.  Since I am getting my blood drawn in Florida and she is in California, I emailed her to find out the likelihood of me getting the results on Saturday.  She told me she wasn't sure, but told me to email her the number of the facility and put her name and cell phone number on my lab slip.  She's going to do what she can on her end to get those results.  So my fingers are crossed that we get GOOD results by Saturday night.

As I type this, I'm kind of wishing I wasn't such a punk.  I want to hire someone to make me pee on the stick:-)

Tonight I get to see my bestie in person for the first time in 9 months and tomorrow we celebrate her last days as a Bachelorette!!!

Who's excited?  Oh...that would be ME!!

#FINISH
#TWINSBESTRONG

I figure these embryos have to be fighters.  I'm stubborn and so is my father-in-law.  Seriously, they have to be stubborn enough to stick and grow.

Grow and Stick

Guys, the transfer went well.  The embryos were beautiful and just about every second, I tell them to stick and grow.

Our RE's office asked us to get to the appointment 15 minutes early.  My beyond prompt husband got us there a half hour early.  To our surprise, they took us to the back immediately.  My bladder was filled with about four bottles of water and READY!

When we got to the room, I thought we'd be in there for a while since we were so early, but No.  The ultrasound tech gave my full bladder the thumbs up, the RE came in and started prepping her instruments of torture, while walking me through what I should expect after the transfer.

She told me my mind will play the meanest tricks ever on me, but she said every time it happens, say Stick and Grow.  You best believe I have employed that trick about a million times already.

Within minutes, the room was filled with not just me and hubby, but the ultrasound tech, the RE and the embryologist.  Holy Crap! I met a real, live embryologist and I didn't even get to pick her brain about finding her way to such an amazing job.

Folks this group was top notch...at least I think so.  I've never done this before. But WOW!  Hubby and I were stunned with how fast it all happened.

The ultrasound Tech said to imagine the screen as a golf course, of which we're getting an aerial view.  She said our goal was to get the embryos into the sand trap so they would stick and grow. YESSSS!

Doc was down there applying torture devices to my lady parts.  She explained each step, but I couldn't really focus on that.  I was apparently enjoying my 5mg of valium and the view of the ultrasound.

I should add that this was my first ultrasound where there wasn't an invasive wand involved.  Buut...other things were pulling at my privates.

Doc threaded in the catheter and all the medical professionals let out big sighs and smiles.  As I looked around confused, the ultrasound tech explained that THAT was actually the hardest part for the RE.  Well hell, if that was the hardest moment, things were looking good.

From there, the embryologist went back into a room, and got a stick-looking thing that she swears contained my twins.  She handed them over to Doc, who promptly put them where they belong---with me.

It was actually quite amazing.  The embryos looked like  a burst of light as they landed. So cool!

So in seven days, I'll take a pregnancy test.  I know they are sticking and growing towards a BFP!  I'm talking to them constantly.  I can't let the negative in.  Stick and Grow.

#FINISH

She's Here!

Hello Mennie!

You know her, right?  Mennie, the menstrual cycle?  She's here again being mean.  I'm crossing the ol' fingers and hoping the cramps don't get too bad as the day goes on.

It's funny.  I had my normal, fleeting moments of dreaming about the possibility of a miraculous, natural pregnancy this month.  However, I didn't get too obsessed and I didn't emotionally crash.  Odd, right?

I guess it's because Mennie showed up on time and didn't string me along.

Soooo....Now I need to call my favorite Frenemy, my RE.  She'll set up a calendar for me...again.  Pray that I can go through with it this time.

I'm also praying that I can lose five pounds in the next month:-)

BABY BRAIN

Ya'll, I am going nuts over here.  Not hormone-driven, angry, irrational nuts, but the "I want to eat a baby" nuts!!!

I don't really want to EAT a baby, but I want to hold a newborn, snuggle up to it, smell it...love it.  Since that's a mouthful, I just use the phrase, "eat the baby." :-)  The Hubby gets it.  Strangers probably wouldn't.

My Husband's new boss has a nine-week-old baby girl, and he was thrilled to show her off when we bumped into him on the street.  OH!!!  I wanted to hug and love that tiny baby.  That's when I realized I've reached fever pitch when it comes to my trying to conceive obsession.

I've never been one to WANT to hold or dote on the children of non-relatives.  It's not my thing...or it wasn't my thing.  I must say though, I was still reserved.  I didn't touch the baby or ask to hold her (she was in a car seat), I just stared and complimented her cuteness.

I came home and cuddled my 15lb loaf of bread that also happens to be my dachshund-mix dog.  I love her to death, but I think I've reached a point where even she can't calm my baby cravings.

Random

There are funny moments during this mess called infertility.

Well...I think they're funny. I hope they at least help someone crack a smile.

1.  Royal Bee Jelly.  It's a supplement I take in hopes of improving my egg quality.  It is a sticky, brown substance that tastes and smells disgusting.  I like to eat a little and then chase my husband around the house, threatening him with a "bee jelly-licious" kiss.  He hates it and says I remind him of the zombies in 'Walking Dead.' It cracks me up.

2.  Every time a new bill arrives, a tune pops into my head.  "Can you pay my Bills...can you pay my telephone bills...can you pay my IVF bills."  That's right! I have reworked the old Destiny's Child classic to fit my situation.  CAN SOMEONE PAY MY IVF BILLS? I'm for real:-)

3. My dog, Roxie, is a small dachshund mix that weighs about 15 pounds.  She is our baby.  I'm talking my baby, my husband's baby and my other dog's baby.  She rules the house and gets away with murder because she's the little one.  Well, if hubby and I are all cuddled up, she likes to squeeze her short-legged self between us.  I constantly tell her, "You are not stopping any baby-making, Boo.  We go to labs to make babies."  LOL!  I don't think she understands or cares, but it's clear she does not want any other babies, human or canine, coming up in here.

4.  When my Mother and Aunt visited me, I explained all of my supplements to them.  Mom was a great sport and took a few pills so I wouldn't feel alone in the experience.  But she made it clear that she did not want anything that would wake up her 50+-year-old ovaries. LOL!  I told her if the pills wake up her ovaries, we better call the company so they can use her in a commercial.  The money she would make, could definitely pay my IVF bills:-)

5.  My good friend with a brash sense of humor, offered to be my surrogate for free.  Then she started adding stuff.  She wanted maternity clothes, as well as a tummy tuck and boob reduction afterwards.  By the time, she finished her list, I told her I didn't want her services anymore.  We had a good laugh off her diva demands.  Because she is so rough around the edges, she always manages to make me laugh at the worst moments of my journey.  I think it's because she doesn't pity me.  She doesn't have the ability to pity anyone. I love her for it.

Why I Dislike Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian!  She's a controversial, money-making figure that we can't escape.  Most people dislike her because of a number of things: sex tape, reality show, dating a rapper, possible fake butt... I don't care about any of those things.  In fact, I used to defend her.  She has to be good at something because she is making more cash than me.

But here's why I hate dislike her now.  She managed to trivialize the heart-breaking disease that is infertility.  When she began discussing her pregnancy she said something like..."Khloe talks about her problems, but I (Kim) haven't."  Kim went on to talk about a trip to a doctor, in which the doctor told her she had low levels.  Kim tried to make it seem as if she could be infertile because she was on birth control pills.

NEWS FLASH, KIM: BIRTH CONTROL PILLS SUPPRESS YOUR HORMONES TO PREVENT OVULATION. THAT'S WHY YOUR LEVELS WERE LOW.

Kim got pregnant within a year of TRYING. Yes, I say trying. It's obvious she wanted that baby.  However, she saw the backlash coming because uhm...she's still technically married.  She's technically married and CHOSE to have a child with someone else.  To quiet that brewing shit storm, she dropped the big "I" word...INFERTILITY.

Kim, let me tell you what infertility is:

+Trying for nearly seven years to get pregnant (keep in mind, I never took a birth control pill, until I started the IVF process. The doctor used them to suppress my hormones so she could control them.)

+Failing an IUI, even though you produced three follicles

+Taking painful shots to get your ovaries to produce an unnatural amount of eggs for IVF

+Having a surgery to remove your fibroids and then finding out you still have a shit load of fibroids

+Waiting to find out if your embryos make it to day five

+Waiting to find out if they passed their Pre-implantation screening

+Fearing transferring the embryos back to your uterus because you're not sure your body can care for them

+Crying every night under the pressure of knowing a crackhead can get pregnant, but you can't.  Plus, watching the bills mount that you can't pay because you're not a reality star

Back To Normal

I have decided to suspend this IVF ride.  I want to be normal and I want to stop worrying.  I would also like to fit into my pants that loved me before this journey caused me to eat like a starving pig.

My husband is not happy with my decision. I am sorry to disappoint him, but he's not the one juggling dreams of 'success and babies' and then 'failure and suicide.'  The range of emotions I deal with every second has probably sent many folks to a shrink.  Thanks to my expensive ass IVF bill, I can't afford a shrink.  I have to do what I think is best.  I think it's best to bow out.  I wish I would have made this decision before the loan, the IVF and the embryos, but I can't change history. I can only do what I have to do now.

I'm not going to risk putting two embryos in my uterus when there is such strong concern about the fibroids.  It's really upsetting because I kept asking the doctor about this and she kept assuring me everything was OK....until Friday.

I don't know what to do now. I don't want another surgery and I don't want to put my embryos at risk.  So either I will figure this out or I will drink myself into oblivion.  Isn't my life awesome?

Love Is...

Love is...

Giving your loved one a shot every night:-)

I tell you, that combo shot of Menopur, Bravelle and cetricide burns like hell, but I deal with it because my sweet husband administers it.

He's my secret hero, even though sometimes I want to throw him out the window. LOL!

Blood, Drugs & Nerves

Sh*t is getting so real right now.  Here's the rundown:

1. Bloodwork---
    My thyroid is a bit too overzealous sluggish. I have to take meds for that. I don't know the cost yet.

2. Prepping for an IUI---EXPENSIVE
    Femara + Progesterone = $250
    Trigger shot = $80
    Say what? I'm broke!

3. Ovulation Prediction Sticks---CHEAP
    Pack of 50 that includes 10 pregnancy tests = $20 (Thank you, Amazon)

4.  My Nerves---SHOT. I'm a freaking mess.

I started off this month ready to go.  My doctor gave me a plan and I was committed to getting it done. But now I'm starting to get a bit of cold feet. I'm wondering if I'm rushing things.  Should I wait until next month?  If this IUI doesn't work, the hurt will be so much more than emotional.  It will be physical (like I'm gonna break something).  Look at all of that money!  The prices above don't even include doctors visits and the actual cost of the procedure.

With all of that said, I am super excited. This doctor moves fast (in a good way) and answers questions quickly. There's no waiting, which is imperitive because my middle name is NOT patience. I had my blood drawn at 8:30 this morning, she had the results by 12:30 in the afternoon.  She told me the problems she spotted and had a possible solution ready (medicine).  If I email her, I have a response within ten minutes. It's amazing... and unnerving. I told my husband that she is either perfect or secretly evil.  My attempts to dig up dirt on her have failed...so far.

I'll begin taking two Femara for the next five nights. I'm praying I don't have any mood swings. If all goes well, I'll be on track for an IUI during the first week of January *fingers crossed*.  I know there's only a seven to ten percent chance of pregnancy, but...I'm still hoping for the best.

I don't want anything material for Christmas.  I just want guidance, happiness, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I hope that all of your dreams come true.  Don't forget to thank Jesus for his sacrifice:-)

Random Thoughts

1. New Doctor

 I spent a bit of time filling out new patient forms for my new doctor.  I really hate filling out those forms.  I've spent so much time thinking that eventually I would get pregnant on my own, but when I have to write down how long I've been trying, it hits me like a fresh ton of bricks: I can't conceive without medical intervention. Couple that with writing down my age, and I need someone to fan me to keep from fainting. *sigh*

2.  The Royal Pregnancy

Kate Middleton is pregnant.  Yay for the British!  Boo for me.  She's not even 12 weeks yet and the American press can't shut up about it.  Now I'll have to hear about it for the duration of her long-a** pregnancy.  I mean dang!  This chick bags a prince AND easily gets knocked up.  Can she have any more luck?  I know, I know...I'm really lame for having this reaction.

3.  Bad Jokes

I think I'm scaring my best friend with my infertility.  She won't laugh with me about it and she clams up when she talks about her own dreams of having a child. I feel so sad. I don't want her to feel that way. I can't wait for her to have a baby so we can both dote on him or her.  I'm sitting her crying just thinking about it.  I don't talk about it often, but we were joking about how people were popping up pregnant everywhere at our old job.  She suggested that we go back to drink the water.  I joked that I needed an entire lab and she wouldn't laugh. She kept saying she was so sorry.  I feel so awful that I made her feel that way:-(

4. Fat

I have completely stopped working out and drinking proper amounts of water. I am a walking waste field.  I'm living off of Starbucks and Chow Mien, which is delicious by the way.

5. Naughty Books

Fifty Shades of Grey totally got me addicted to naughty books.  In between reading American Classics, I'm picking up smut left and right to read. I'm so embarrassed that I hide it from my husband and I think he knows it.  Oh well, it's better than hiding a drug addiction, right?

Growing Excitement

I am so excited about my upcoming visit to the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so enthusiastic that I have to calm myself down. As you've probably guessed, when it comes to this infertility thing, there is no in between for me.  My emotions are extremely high or extremely low.  It's definitely something I'm trying to work on.

Anyway...I've been googling this doctor like crazy.  She keeps an awesome website that answers some of the frequently asked questions about infertility. I looked at her reviews on Yelp and every one of them was positive, even the ones from women who still are not pregnant.  Someone from her office has already called to update me on my insurance and what it covers, which isn't much as I've mentioned before.  I told her my concerns about the cost and how I planned to approach the situation (trying to save like there's no tomorrow and asking for a lay-away plan. ha!).  She was so polite and didn't try to sugar coat things for me.  That only made me more optimistic about seeing this doctor.

As I get closer and closer to the visit, I have to remind myself that she can't get me pregnant that day.  I am not going to walk out of that place pregnant after the first appointment.  As I've learned before, doctors are not God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes they are a mechanism used to help your miracle, but they cannot cough up miracles like a vending machine.

I have so many questions for this doctor, yet I'm afraid I'll clam up when I'm in her presence.  As I've mentioned before I hope that my cervix is the only thing keeping me from pregnancy and the birth of a healthy baby.  With that said, I think there are only two things that can help me: intrauterine/cervical insemination or in vitro fertilization.  I am not a doctor and I am not anything close to an expert, but (insert sarcasm here) I have watched a lot of episodes of Deliver Me and a Baby Story (I'm really joking).

My husband is going with me on this first visit and he assures me that he'll help me get through this in the best way possible.  He smiles when I get all giddy about the upcoming appointment and encourages me to keep talking to him.  At this moment, I really couldn't ask for a better person to have by side.  I'm a handful when it comes to this infertility thing and he pretends like he has the biggest hands in the world.

I must say I am filled with hope right now and it scares me.  The last time I had a lot of hope, I didn't get the ending I wanted.  I'm just trying to stay grounded and realistic, but without the pessimism.  I'm sure the actual visit will be the reality check I need.

The Dye Test: Part 2

What a day!  I'm still shaking off the effects of my HSG.  HSG is short for hysterosalpingogram.  It's basically an x-ray of your uterus and fallopian tubes. The goal is to ensure they're not blocked or disfigured. The doctor inserts dye through your vagina so that those special parts will show up on x-ray.  You can read about my first HSG here. It was a totally different experience from this one.

This HSG ended with toe-curling pain and an outline of my uterus and fallopian tubes forming on a small screen right before my eyes.  The early thought is that my tubes are free of blockage that could prevent pregnancy.  However, I am not free of drama.

I can not tell you how long I was on that table waiting for the doctor to find a way to shoot dye up my cervix. I didn't try to count the minutes and I didn't have a stop watch. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and constantly remind myself to relax through big intakes of breath.

Let me explain why. My cervix is a trip. That's the best way I can describe it. The doctor had a tough time working with it.  I felt like she was twisting, bending and stretching my nether regions in ways no one should imagine.  Despite some intermittent, involuntary shaking, I stayed patient and kept trying to relax. I figured if she wouldn't give up, neither would I.

As I laid there mentally grasping for something positive, it hit me.  God's got this.  I kid you not, a moment later I felt a growing sting.  As it grew, I could see the dye on the x-ray machine spreading and forming the shape of my uterus. There was some discomfort and pain, but nothing to write home about. The real pain kicked in when she told me to turn to the side to see if the dye would fall toward my fallopian tubes. OMG!  The feeling was right up there with some of my toughest cramps. My body instinctively wanted to ball up, which is what I do every month when cramps kick my butt, but I had to work through this. I wasn't sure I would make it, when Dr. P. finally told me I was done (thank goodness!).

Unlike my last HSG, the dye did not fall out before making it to my uterus. However, my cervix is still an issue. I can't really describe this very well, but essentially, the doctor had to stuff the catheter as far up and to the right as she could to get the dye to the right area.

Again, she did not give me a detailed report. She will write that up and have my GYN explain it to me. I'm encouraged that my tubes are not blocked. I'm discouraged that my cervix is all jacked up.  So... my fingers are crossed that this little HSG doesn't cost me an arm and a leg. My toes are crossed in hopes that I'll be pregnant with a healthy baby within the next year.

On a totally different note: I made sure I voted before I went to this appointment. It felt great to walk around with my little sticker.

Making A List

I guess I need to write things down to hold myself accountable. So here it goes.

1. Get records from Florida

2. Dig up details about my surgery. (The surgeon gave it to me.  I just don't know where I packed it.)

3. Call insurance : I can't believe I actually followed through and called.  Thank the Lord for little miracles.  My insurance covers tests and such to diagnose why I'm infertile, but it won't help me get pregnant. That means this chick needs to start saving more aggressively because my insurance is not going to cover IVF etc.  I am still scared to see the ultimate out-of-pocket costs for my HSG. I know my insurance is whack.

The insurance plan I had in Florida was awesome. I made a bit of a mistake when I chose this one. I'll be making a change as soon as open enrollment begins again.

4. Set up HSG   BAM! I set that sucker up, but I am having second thoughts. I'm really afraid that my insurance won't cover an adequate amount. I've been trying to get a competent person on the phone to give me CORRECT information about my coverage, but that is quite difficult because of the time difference and the fact that the reps will straight out lie just to get you off the phone. They don't care that the lie could set you back a grand or more. If I should reach my goal of getting pregnant and having a healthy child, I'd like to have some money left over to raise the little person.

5. Cut back on coffee. ( I got a generous gift card and it has caused my Starbucks habit to explode.)

6. Eh...I'll think of something.

***One week after seeing the doctor and I'm already jumping in with both feet. I'm off to take my pre-natal pill. I'm really hoping it helps my hair and nails grow, even though my research says it won't:-(

Let the medical poking, prodding, testing and guessing begin:-)

Step One: Expensive Vitamins

You see that picture?

In the words of CurlyNikki, one of my favorite bloggers, "what in the entire hell?"

THAT is my $95 bottle of pre-natal pills. No, I am not pregnant and yes, I am still infertile.  However, my recent trip to the girlie doctor and a conversation with my husband, made me realize I have to give this baby making thing another try, before I am physically unable. 

So off I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. When the lady told me the price, I almost lost my bladder. I mean, dang! I'd just dropped $47 to gas up my corolla.  Between fuel and vitamins, I spent all my "allowance" for the week. I guess I better eat those groceries in the house. 

I'm afraid to take one of the pills at this point.  I'd essentially be swallowing $3.17 per pill. LOL!  The funny thing is I checked to see if my insurance saved me anything. The receipt had the nerve to say, "your insurance saved you $18." Are you kidding me?

Anyway, I hope this post does not leave you annoyed, as laughing  is the way that I entertain myself when the going gets tough. These pills made me realize I need to do some research ASAP.  I'll be calling my insurance to determine the coverage for my HSG, blood tests etc. I'll adjust my spending and savings accordingly.  Plus, it's almost that time of year when I can change my coverage and I'll do that as well, if it's needed.

Update:  While these $95 vitamins have a wonderful chocolate flavor, I will NOT be repurchasing them.  This homegirl is going to find a cheaper, over-the-counter version, unless my doctor tells me there is a specific reason I need this brand.

Decisions Decisions

I took a step back and stopped blogging and thinking about infertility.  I was wearing myself out! But unfortunately on top of being infertile, I am a hypochondriac. I hadn't been to the doctor for my yearly visit in more than a year. I started to fear that I'd developed more fibroids or some other terrible condition (yes..I'm a drama queen).  I bit the bullet, opened up google and searched for a gynecologist in my area.

I decided that for this visit, I would not talk about babies. I just wanted to get checked and go.  But this Doctor looked at my history and hit me with the hard questions. "What's next for you?" "Do you have siblings (when you're an only child, infertility hurts just a little bit more--I think)?" "Does your husband want children?" "Does your mama want grandchildren?" "Do you get sad?"

What the hell?!!  She was so smooth and fast about it that I was choking back tears before I knew it. I'm so used to the doctors kind of glossing over things, that I hadn't properly prepared myself for this.

She really didn't give me a chance to do my normal..."it's no big deal"speech.  Without ever getting an absolute YES from me, she hit me with pre-natal pills, an order for an HSG (the dye test to check my tubes) and two cards for local infertility specialists in the area.

Before she left, she told me that I needed to hold a baby...MY BABY...and it could happen.  So...just like that, I'm back in this. I was so verklempt that I couldn't tell her that I don't have the emotional strength to deal with this.  I can't spend the next eight years getting probed, prodded, injected and drugged up.

When it comes to my infertility there are two theories warring in the my mind:

1. A baby just isn't in God's plan for you.

2. To believe #1 is using God as a way to accept failure and give up.


With all of that said, the stuff she gave me is sitting on my dresser taunting me waiting for me.  I haven't made a decision. If I go forward, it will mean that I have accepted hope.  There is a funny thing about hope that no one ever wants to talk about. It's a gift and a curse.  If you hold on to it too long you're just plain delusional, but if you realize your hope won't lead to what you want, it could destroy you.  Hope has killed many a people, but like I said, no one wants to talk about it.


Soooo...I guess it's babies or bust?  I'll let you know if I'm brave enough to jump back in.

What To Expect When You're Infertile

Ohhhh! It's so hard being infertile.  The only thing you can really expect is lots of tears. I'm approaching my sixth year of marriage to an awesome man, but I'm having a hard time looking forward to our celebration.  All I can think about is that this marriage has produced no children.  He wants children and I want children, but I can't have them.

Sometimes we have the most wonderful days together and at the end I always end up thinking, "wouldn't this day have been EVEN better if we had a little one with us?"

I haven't seen a "girly" doctor of any kind since my surgery. I know it's dumb, but it is what it is.  Earlier this year, I made an appointment to see a fertility specialist in our new city, but rescheduled and rescheduled until I finally cancelled it.

I've been working really hard to accept that I probably won't have children of my own and likely won't have the money to buy\adopt one for at least another ten years.  There are stretches of time when I think I've got this thing beat. My heart doesn't hurt and the tears don't come.  Then I have days like today where I can't stop the tears, despite my best efforts.

Distractions only work for so long.  My obsession with my hair and dragging myself to the basement to exercise just aren't enough to keep my mind busy right now. I guess I'll grab that book, "50 Shades of Grey." Some folks call it "mommy porn (lol. that cracks me up)," but a good friend of mine told me it's a mindless read that will at least give me something to love or hate... you know.. another distraction.

I know this post won't help anyone. In fact, it is quite depressing. I've stopped updating this blog for that reason alone. I hate sharing sadness without a hint of optimism, but I had to get this off my chest. I had to just get it out somehow. I needed to do it without seeing the sadness in someone's face or hearing the same things, "be positive, pray, it's okay."

I do pray. Being positive is a lie and things aren't okay. If they were okay, I'd have five kids by now. It's that simple. The only thing that's not simple is why. No one can tell me why and that sucks. I don't know if a "why" would give me peace. I like to think that it would.

One Year

It's been a little more than a year since my surgery.  My period still comes and I'm still not pregnant.  The list below sums up my life right now.

1. Fake smiles: I went to a baby shower filled with pregnant women and smiled my way through answers about not wanting children.

2. Fake strength: I made an appointment to go see a new doctor then cancelled because I just couldn't handle it.

3. Broken heart: I can barely hold conversations with family I once held dear. I fear they are either judging me or pity me.

Update:

So yeah... I wrote that depressing little note on day one of my new cycle. If you are in this little infertility predicament, you know that the first day is the worst day. However, I was honest about the fake strength. I try so hard to be strong, but I am truly scared.

One year ago, when I started writing down my ridiculous emotions, I hadn't seen many stories of black couples struggling to have a child. I have since found some wonderful resources, including a site called Broken Brown Egg.  The author is so caring and finds the right words to say.  BUT the hope I had during March of last year is GONE. The fibroids obviously were not keeping me from getting pregnant. I just don't know what is.

Let's be honest, doctors use each of us as guinea pigs. That's nothing against them.  I mean...it's the only way to figure out what's going on. With that said, I just don't know if I can deal with the guesses, the misdiagnosis and the loss of funds. I want a baby with every fiber of my being, but I can't dedicate my body and life to this. 

I've already changed so much. I cringe when I have to be around my friends with children. I cringe when I choose to lie about or reveal my infertility to people who love to ask, "when are you going to have children?"

My mother told me she's still very willing to spend her last dime to help me when I decide to give "trying" another try. I told her I didn't need her money. I reminded her that this is a subject we can no  longer speak to each other about.

My mother raised me to be tough. My father taught me to smile when all else fails, but it's getting harder and harder to fake it. I really wish I could blame God, but he has given me just about everything I asked for and need last March (that includes a full-time job).  The only wish that hasn't been granted, is a child. I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know.

All I Want For Christmas....

All I want is a baby bump filled with a child who will be born healthy, but Santa doesn't always bring you what you want.  So here's a more realistic list:

1. More quality time with my husband

2. Health

3. Diamond Studs

4. Fun, sparkly shoes

Don't hate on my Christmas tree.  I think it's cute:-)

Every year as Christmas gets closer, I become a bit of Grinch.  Why, you ask?  It's not because of infertility.  It's because my family is so far away.  I have my hubby and his father, but not MY MOTHER AND FATHER.  My mom is too darn stubborn to come visit when my father-in-law is in town.  She says he only visits once a year and should have it to himself.  She doesn't realize that other folks aren't as selfish as she is and he doesn't mind.  He just wants everybody to be happy.  I could travel home, but that would mean celebrating Christmas without my husband, who has to work during the holiday.

Anyways, I told my Auntie, who is my Godmother and spiritual twin, that I was trying not to be a Grinch and she hit me with this:

"Concentrate on what you have, not on what you don't.  Be prayerful and enjoy the holiday."

Bam!  In a very simple and sweet way she put me in my place.  She has always had that power.  She's so intelligent and level-headed.  Love her!

P.S. I tried Mucinex this month.  The generic is 15 bucks a box.  Wowsa!  I dumped my expensive fertility monitor months ago.  I didn't use my OPKs  because I kept forgetting in the morning, but the past couple of months my cycle seemed to match the fertility friend estimate of ovulation.  We shall see... fingers crossed... but not really.

An Unbelieveable Choice

I was reduced to tears on my way to work today.  I listened as a mother made a public plea for a hospital to give her one-year-old son a chance.

http://www.ktvu.com/news/news/crime-law/parents-1yo-shooting-victim-say-doctors-want-cut-h/nFwy7/

http://www.ktvu.com/videos/news/oakland-mass-shooting-videos/lkj/

His name is Hiram and he was shot in the head, while his father held him in his arms.  Baby Hiram is the victim of senseless violence.  He's been on life support for a week and doctors are ready to perform tests to determine if he is brain dead.  BRAIN DEAD?! A one-year-old could possibly be brain dead.

I spend most of my time on this blog complaining and whining, but this right here?!  This is real.   Baby Hiram and his mother are in a horrible fight. I often think most people never acknowledge or understand my gut-wrenching pain over infertility, BUT I know this woman's pain is something greater than anything I've every felt before in my life.

As I listened to her say that her baby just needs more time to recover from the shock of this horrible string of events, my eyes watered up.  It pisses me off so bad.  How could this happen to an angel who hasn't even had a chance to experience life?  His second birthday is three days after Christmas.  It's just too much to handle.

I found myself gripping my steering wheel and asking God to protect that baby.  To be honest, I don't know if protection is keeping him here or allowing him to go to Heaven.  It's just horrible. 

Baby Hiram is the face of senseless violence now, but eventually people will forget about him, just like all of the other babies who were hit by bullets that were supposedly aimed at someone else.

On top of that, he's also a reminder of the state of our health care system.  No one has said it yet, but I'm pretty sure his family doesn't have insurance for him.  If they do, it's not that good, otherwise his mother wouldn't be begging doctors to give him more time.  Let's be honest, money is time.  This entire situation just makes me sick.

The idiots who shot him probably don't even have a conscious or a heart... it's just.. it's just too much.  We are all taught that eventually everyone has to pay for their evil, but it's stories like this one that make me question that belief.

Either way, my prayers continue for Baby Hiram.  He didn't deserve this.  No baby does.

***Update***   Hiram's family took him off life support at the end of the week.  Two medical tests deemed the baby brain dead. He didn't make it to his second birthday.  Police still have not technically arrested anyone for the crime, although they have persons of interest in custody.