Bad Shrink

I went to this shrink so she could help me move forward with a life without children.  I don't think she is helping at all.  

I mean sure, she's helped me understand that I don't deal well with sadness, but that's not why I went to her.  I went to her to help me end this yearning... this desire for children.  Instead, it's bubbled back up to the surface.

*sigh*  It's okay though. I won't let it consume me.  I'll just deal with it.  It's okay for me to want children.  I'll deal with it.  Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it.  I can't have this.  It's that simple.

I do things to cope.  I told my husband about my thoughts, I wrote down the baby name that floated through my mind, and I blamed the shrink for helping all of this surface:-)

Now I have to make sure I tell her about them and hope that she makes me feel...un-crazy?  

Oh who cares?  I already know I'm crazy :-)

Babies aren't all I think about.

-I'm working out a little bit, despite my horrible knees

-I'm slowly, but surely reading an awesome book called, "In Search of Satisfaction."

-I think my thyroid may be a real issue, so I'm searching for a primary care physician to help me out.

-I resigned from my job.  I'm waiting for my background check to come through so I can start a new gig.  Holy Crap!

Random Celebrity Thoughts

I used to crave stories from celebrities and high-profile people talking about beating infertility.  Now I hate them all.  Why?  Well now they have everything: success, money AND a baby.  Damn!!  Can I get something?  Oh yeah...I did.  DEBT and 10 POUNDS!

In my mind I've totally been thinking about Jimmy Fallon and the Star Wars Dude.  They both used some form of assisted reproductive treatment, but whatever!  There's always a chance when cash is endless.  I've also wanted to talk about the actor who donated sperm to an old girlfriend and pretty much gave up paternal rights.  This same actor got back with the girlfriend and fell in love with the child, but when the couple split again, baby-mama told him to step off!  Now he's fighting for parental rights and could ultimately change how sperm donation is handled in this country.

 I can't formulate my thoughts for these individuals because I'm still so jaded by my own failure/situation...whatever you want to call it.  So I've got nothing, but jumbled thoughts that don't flow freely onto the keyboard.

........

When sinners are dipped in the holy water, they say they are born again.  If only it wasn't symbolic...
If only I could find a way to get a mulligan... If only...

The End

I called the doctor's office today and settled my account.  I am officially done.  I guess I won't really have much to write about now.  Of course, I still have to pay rent for my remaining three embryos, but that's cool.  They are the closest things I'll ever have to children.

My doctor sent me a link to a local therapist.  I considered going, but then realized I'd prefer to spend the money on something more fun, like an overpriced, designer purse or watch.  I really don't know what to do.

I know that I am sad.  The only time I don't feel sad is when I get busy at work.  If I wasn't such a chicken, I'd shave my hair and just walk.  I'd leave everything behind and just walk.  But like I said, I'm too scared to essentially be a drifter.  It's not exactly safe.

The last time I felt this awful was when China, my beloved pup, died in 2009.  I'd had her since I was 13 and she was nearly 17 years old when she passed.  I muted the pain by getting a new puppy to distract me.  I don't want a new puppy or a new anything right now.  I don't really know how to make this go away.

I ran up my credit card over the weekend. It was fun while I was shopping.  Now it just feels stupid.  All of my normal tools aren't working.  I'm going to visit my parents next month, so maybe that will help.

Have I mentioned I'm fat?  I gained ten pounds in six months.  Well, more like three.  I've just been holding steady since then.  I packed on those pounds like a first year college student.  I guess I'll stop complaining about it and start working out.  I actually have a plan, but I won't put it in writing, until I actually start it and make some progress:-)

Failure, Periods and Planes

So my transfer experience seemed to be ideal up until the last days.  8 days past transfer, I walked into a Quest diagnostics lab to have my blood drawn in Florida.  I asked the lab tech if my doctor would get the results that day.  She said yes.

Uhm...yeah I didn't get those results until Tuesday, which was 11 days past transfer.  The lab left a message on my phone apologizing for the delay.  That was one call I wished I hadn't missed. I wanted curse until the cows came home.  Oh well.

I already knew the truth. Monday I took a home test and just like all of my previous home tests, it was negative before the pee could dry.  I emailed the RE to ask when my period would start.  That Broad convinced my husband that there was a high chance that the home test was wrong.  Excuse me!  I didn't know you needed a medical degree to read a home pregnancy test.  Sooo, my demands that he fly me back home fell on deaf ears.  I'm still angry with him about that. I was stuck in Florida at my best friend's house dealing with the fact that my body killed my twins, I'm $30,000 in debt and I'll probably never have friends again because they are all getting pregnant and we have nothing in common at this point.

I didn't want my Bestie and her Fiance to see me like that. I basically avoided her the rest of the trip.  Just looking at her made me cry.  It was horrible....torture really.

Anyway, Hubs and I went to lunch and I immediately ordered a margarita.  Do you know that a$$ had the nerve to try to stop me?  He begins a secret email conversation with the witch-doctor known as my RE, which leads to her calling me.  I didn't even answer. She is the only person from a blocked number who calls my phone.  I knew it was her and I handed the phone to him.

She asked him to put me on speaker and she went through her spiel. "Erika, this is the hardest part of my job."  I was thinking, "REALLY?! Why don't you try walking in my flip flops, Jerk!"

The rest of her speech sounded like this,  "blah blah...infertility science isn't perfect...blah blah...the good thing is you still have three frozen embryos ready to go home...blah blah...I think you need another HSG....I think your right tube may have fluid...blah blah...Erika, just keep showing up."

Whatever! I'm not showing up, People. I am out of money. I am more broke than I've ever been in my entire life.  Sometimes you have to know when to throw in the towel.  It's my time.  So, I'm mourning my twins.  It hurts.  It hurts to know I killed them.  Now, I'm just learning how to navigate knowing I'll never have kids.  I don't want to adopt and all of that other stuff, so it's cool.

So back to failure, periods and planes....

That jerk of an RE told me my period would start four to five days, after I stopped medication.  SHE WAS WRONG...AGAIN!  My period started exactly three days after I stopped medication.  That meant I was stuck on a plane with the worst cramps ever.  I popped eight advil on that plane, while my husband complained that I was going to make myself sick.  I rarely want to kill that man, but if I would have had a loaded weapon anytime from Monday to Wednesday, I would have shot him without blinking an eye.  I wouldn't have been on a plane with cramps, had he booked my emergency flight home on Monday, like I asked.

The drugs finally kicked in and I slept until we reached our layover.  That's where I found out why the pain was so bad, I was trying to pass a clot.  You can't really do that with a tampon rammed up your privates on a plane.  I took six more Advil and I've been fine since, minus a cramp here or there.

I was so pissed at the witch doctor that I sent her an email to let her know that she was WRONG about the start of my period.  That a$$ wrote back, and asked me to make an appointment for early next week.  I told her no because I am out of money and can no longer afford her.  She replied that she wouldn't charge for the visit.  I really must have dumb a$$ written on my forehead.  I've already been charged for the visit.  It's included in the FET.  It's the failure chat. Ugh!  I just don't want to see her in person because I'll probably end up in jail.  My Mother would be mortified.

I politely replied, "don't you have children to feed?  You don't need to do charity cases.  Take care."

Pregnant RE Pt.2

I knew my RE was pregnant! I had a pretty good rant about it here.  I asked her once in an email and she skipped over that question.  During our last visit, I noticed she was smaller. Turns out she had a baby girl.  Congrats to her!

I should add that she took off about six weeks, but I didn't care because that was the month I cancelled my transfer.  She still checked email and stuff, which is strange.  Anyway...I call her the witch doctor because of our love/hate relationship.

I'm still kind of mad she didn't say anything about her pregnancy before we started treatment. I would have found someone else.  But who cares, right?  7 days until transfer!!!

Doctor Chat - Friend Chat

Doctor Chat:

This prepping for the Frozen Embryo Transfer has been so uneventful that I had to contact the doctor.

I told her I feel...Normal. I asked if she's sure this stuff is working.  Her response:

"that's awesome!!!

I'm happy about that

not everyone feels normal

most feel just fine

so glad"

Well, I quickly told her that she scares me a little sometimes.  Her optimism and good attitude make me a little too secure.  That's why I get so mad when things don't work out.  Well, I'd be mad regardless.  LOL!

Friend Chat:

An old friend warmed my heart today.  I met this woman when I was about 24-years-old and we don't speak often, but she always finds a way to support me and encourage me.  When my IUI failed, she didn't ask specific questions. She just kept asking how I felt. She didn't want details. She didn't want to make me cry.  She just wanted to make sure that I would survive it, ya know?

I couldn't tell her about the IVF stuff because I feared I'd cry and we only see each other in business settings these days. Today, however, I laid it out for her and SHE nearly cried.  She told me she was happy I was following my dreams and she respects the struggle and my ability to navigate my daily life.  She also told me she prays for me.  She's a good Catholic girl, so I know God is listening :-)

Sometimes, that's all you want to hear. You just want to know that your fertile friends respect the struggle.  It's not something you can just shrug off. No, infertility is not cancer, but it's not a broken finger nail either.

Mental Moment:

I'm dancing a fine line here, people. I am feeling overly confident about this FET, but the six years of negatives and that devastating IUI keep tapping me on the shoulder to keep me in check. 
I'm just going to keep on praying and prepping.

#FINISH

Think Positive

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mamas out there.  I'm sorry for trying to turn your day into my pity party.

I am so thankful I get to spend this fantastic day with my Mother.  Maybe next year, one or two or three of the frosties will join us on this special day:-)

#finish

Mother's Day, Smother's Day

I don't want to be that chick.  I don't want to whine about Mother's Day, but I am that chick.  I thought I was ok, but I'm not.

I have my Mother and I am so thankful.  She's even flying to see me on HER special day. I try to focus on the fact that this is a time when I should only think of honoring her, our journey and our bond.  But I saw something today that reminded me of what I don't have and what I'll never have.

No matter what I do, I'll never know what it feels like to take a carefree pee on a stick and watch as a magical line announces a wonderful miracle.  I'll never know what it feels like to tell the world I am expecting, without silently praying I'm not the butt of God's joke.

I'm not freaking out or quitting.  I'll continue taking my meds in preparation for my FET.  *sigh* But even that causes anxiety.  After all, there is no guarantee.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm sure most murder victims are positive they'll survive, until they don't.

On a happier note:  You know how I cleaned out my savings and took out a loan for this IVF thing?  Well, my car decided to act up on me and I was thinking, "Oh Shit!"  I have not a dime to fix it or replace it.  It turns out, my car had a loose bolt. It was a quick fix. Hallelujah!  ***spirit fingers***  I can move forward with my FET, without wishing it would transform into a form of transportation:-)

Ramblings...

I just have to get this off my chest.  I was so frustrated with my RE because I felt that she didn't properly explain my plan for IVF.  My Husband and I were blindsided when she told us we were doing a "freeze all" after the egg retrieval.  We thought we were going for a fresh cycle.  Heck, at one point she told us she wasn't even sure we'd have enough embryos to try to do PGS.  Worst case, she was just going to put in whatever she got.

This month away from the process has given me some time to think.  When I was stemming, I prayed that God would help my doctor make the best decision for us.  When she made the decision, I acted a damn fool all the way up to the baseline ultrasound for the frozen embryo transfer.

But maybe it was all part of a plan because we would have had our transfer May 3rd.  Well, things were definitely too hectic at work for me the week leading up to that day.  I was so thankful I didn't have to deal with the FET.  May 4th, we had to say goodbye to our beloved Pet.  It was all just too much.

Now, I'm not thinking about obstacles. I am making an effort to push them all away and focus on each day, each moment and #finishing. ....And trying to convince my RE to let me have three embryos.  Just saying...

Hope ?!?

Before I started this IVF journey, I said that hope is a scary thing.  Apparently, my RE is out to prove me wrong.  Here's what she wrote on her Facebook page:

"Hope holds the key to transforming someone from a negative to a positive state. When I meet someone who has fallen into the trap of negativity, I need to make special effort to offer them a supportive environment in which they can develop their potential. By showing them how much I believe in them, I help them bring about a positive change."


I guess it can't hurt to try to follow her way of thinking.  My way only led me to a hormone-filled path of fear, and damn near destruction.  I think I'm ready to shake hope's hand.

#FINISH

BABY BRAIN

Ya'll, I am going nuts over here.  Not hormone-driven, angry, irrational nuts, but the "I want to eat a baby" nuts!!!

I don't really want to EAT a baby, but I want to hold a newborn, snuggle up to it, smell it...love it.  Since that's a mouthful, I just use the phrase, "eat the baby." :-)  The Hubby gets it.  Strangers probably wouldn't.

My Husband's new boss has a nine-week-old baby girl, and he was thrilled to show her off when we bumped into him on the street.  OH!!!  I wanted to hug and love that tiny baby.  That's when I realized I've reached fever pitch when it comes to my trying to conceive obsession.

I've never been one to WANT to hold or dote on the children of non-relatives.  It's not my thing...or it wasn't my thing.  I must say though, I was still reserved.  I didn't touch the baby or ask to hold her (she was in a car seat), I just stared and complimented her cuteness.

I came home and cuddled my 15lb loaf of bread that also happens to be my dachshund-mix dog.  I love her to death, but I think I've reached a point where even she can't calm my baby cravings.

Why I Dislike Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian!  She's a controversial, money-making figure that we can't escape.  Most people dislike her because of a number of things: sex tape, reality show, dating a rapper, possible fake butt... I don't care about any of those things.  In fact, I used to defend her.  She has to be good at something because she is making more cash than me.

But here's why I hate dislike her now.  She managed to trivialize the heart-breaking disease that is infertility.  When she began discussing her pregnancy she said something like..."Khloe talks about her problems, but I (Kim) haven't."  Kim went on to talk about a trip to a doctor, in which the doctor told her she had low levels.  Kim tried to make it seem as if she could be infertile because she was on birth control pills.

NEWS FLASH, KIM: BIRTH CONTROL PILLS SUPPRESS YOUR HORMONES TO PREVENT OVULATION. THAT'S WHY YOUR LEVELS WERE LOW.

Kim got pregnant within a year of TRYING. Yes, I say trying. It's obvious she wanted that baby.  However, she saw the backlash coming because uhm...she's still technically married.  She's technically married and CHOSE to have a child with someone else.  To quiet that brewing shit storm, she dropped the big "I" word...INFERTILITY.

Kim, let me tell you what infertility is:

+Trying for nearly seven years to get pregnant (keep in mind, I never took a birth control pill, until I started the IVF process. The doctor used them to suppress my hormones so she could control them.)

+Failing an IUI, even though you produced three follicles

+Taking painful shots to get your ovaries to produce an unnatural amount of eggs for IVF

+Having a surgery to remove your fibroids and then finding out you still have a shit load of fibroids

+Waiting to find out if your embryos make it to day five

+Waiting to find out if they passed their Pre-implantation screening

+Fearing transferring the embryos back to your uterus because you're not sure your body can care for them

+Crying every night under the pressure of knowing a crackhead can get pregnant, but you can't.  Plus, watching the bills mount that you can't pay because you're not a reality star

Pregnant Man Rant

I can't deal with the "pregnant man." I am all for finding who you really are and doing what you can to be true to who that is, but there are some certainties in life.  One is that women...only women can give birth.  That means this person should not be advertised as a pregnant man. A man can't give birth. Men don't have a uterus, fallopian tubes and an opening willing to allow a big ass head to pass through it.

Every time this woman, dressed as a man, appears on TV to talk about changing the way society thinks, I want to slap her.  If you want to change yourself into a man, do it.  Don't try to have the best of both worlds.  As an infertile woman who is grateful for every feminine attribute and body part that I have, this woman disgusts me.  It's unfair that someone who doesn't like being a woman gets to easily have children, while I sit here and struggle.  If I see her in a magazine, I turn the page.  If she pops up on a TV show, I change the channel.  That doesn't mean that I don't mentally throw darts at a picture of her face in my mind.

I won't even post a picture of this person. I don't want to perpetuate that idea that she is to be commended for her gender bending ways.  I will say it again. IF YOU WANT TO BE A MAN, MAKE THAT CHANGE! BUT  DON'T TELL ME SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE I KNOW A MAN CAN'T GET PREGNANT AND GIVE BIRTH.

If you're wondering what prompted this rant, she was a guest on Anderson Cooper and I couldn't change the channel fast enough.  For those who say what she does is not my business...Yes it is because she is milking this idea of a "pregnant man"to make money and infiltrate my life.

rant complete.

Why Are Folks Mad At The Duggars?

So the Duggars announced they are expecting their 20th child and folks got down right offended and upset.

I am not the biggest fan of the Duggars and their reality show, but I do admire what appears to be their strong sense of family.  I watched their first little reality special back when they had like 15 kids or something like that.  This family has no debt, they don't live beyond their means, they teach their children values and they don't ask for handouts.

I do question if it is healthy for her to have so many children, but it must be because at the moment, she is still alive.  I bet some people thought that since I am of the infertile kind, I would be mad at this family's many blessings, but I'm not.  I'm happy for them.  It's awesome to see someone getting what they want.  They want all of their children, they want their family and they can support them.  So... why are folks so mad at the Duggars? *shoulder shrug*

Oh... and I should add that if I could have 20 kids, I would (and no, I can't afford 20, but I'd take the blessings and make do!)

Beyonce's Belly!

Thanks, Beyonce.  I'm glad to know you get everything: talent, fame, success and a baby!  I'm totally jealous and I want a Beyonce Belly!




A few weeks ago, Beyonce's baby news would have sent me spiraling into tears and depression, but not now.  At this moment, I am hoping and praying that I will experience the same joy she feels.  Every time I look at the picture above, I am amazed at the sheer happiness on her face. It is beautiful and I can't wait for my time.

Today, a friend of mine posted something interesting on Facebook.  She's engaged and went to her first pre-marriage counseling session.  The preacher basically told her to thank God, before she actually gets whatever blessing she desires.  As I sat in my chair staring at the post, I started thanking him for my future child.  I don't know when my baby will arrive or how, but I am already thankful for her or him.

Now...on a side note: I forgot to pack my fertility monitor when I went out of town.  I hope I didn't mess up the thing.  I need that $200 piece of electronic snake oil to at least appear to be giving me useful information.