Thursday, February 27, 2014

Joy In The Journey?

Find the joy in the journey?

Who came up with that shit?

Before you ever say that crap to me, please think about this scenario:

You're happily driving in your car, when suddenly a car t-bones you.  The impact of the crash rattles through your body and when it it's over, you can't move.  Your arm is broken, your leg is broken and you can't feel your toes.  You open your mouth and words don't come out.  Emergency responders get there as fast as they can.  They extricate you from the car.  Now, you have to fight your way back to life.  You have to learn to walk, to talk, and to live.  As you're holding on to parallel bars trying to take your first desperate step since the crash, someone walks up to you and says, "enjoy the journey."

Wouldn't you want to slap the entire shit out of that person?

Well, that's what I feel like when that damn phrase pops up, as I deal with this infertility crap.  There is NOTHING about this journey to enjoy. NOTHING!

If you are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a child or adopt or find a surrogate, enjoy the journey THAT brings, BUT this shit? There is not a single drop of joy.  Not when it's a decade strong. If you've found some joy, get on your knees and thank God, but don't bring that shit to me.  DON'T!

*sigh*  I just really needed to get that out.  Now, let me find some joy in this day.  Anyone have any Girl Scout cookies?

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Who Needs a Title?

My period finally came on her own.  My cycle was 51 days.  If I hadn't had a missed period, this one actually would have been on time (does that make sense?).  However, it did come with some concerns.  I did not have extremely painful cramps, but I did have ridiculously uncomfortable pressure which is quite reminiscent of the days before my fibroid removal surgery.  At the risk of sounding more and more like a hypochondriac, I sent Witch Doctor a note and told her I probably needed an ultrasound.  She told me to come on in.  So, I set an appointment.  Oh!  but let me back up.  Before that, Witch Doctor sent me in for more blood work.  I got my estrogen and FSH checked on cycle day 2.  I'm waiting for results.

Anyway, I went backwards and forwards over whether to contact her.  But then I remembered the fact that my body had been telling me something was off for years.  Instead of thoroughly checking it out, I hoped that it was implantation or this or that.  Well, it wasn't any of that.  It was my DAMN fibroids eating well, growing, and destroying my uterus.

I came across the story of MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry.  I don't really watch her show.  I only really know her name because she popped up in a book a read.  Well, she just had a baby.  Ok, not really.  Her surrogate just had her baby.  Melissa's fibroids were so bad that she had her uterus removed.  She already had one child and didn't think she'd want another.  But she fell in love....and I'm sure you know how the story goes.  Anyway she did IVF.   She still had her ovaries.  She and her husband made some embryos, and a surrogate baked them.  You can read a better version of her story here.

Her tale kind of got my hopes up.  I started thinking that maybe Hubs and I could make some more embryos and do the same.  Then I remembered that I also have poor egg quality.  I also remembered that I'd already flushed 4 good embryos down the toilet and there's no guaranteeing I'd get as many good ones this time around.  Then I remembered I don't have the money for the lawyers and fees that come along with surrogacy.  So, I was kind of reduced to crying at the end of the entire thought process.

I'm a ball of sunshine, right?

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Coming Out

I came out of the infertility closet today.  My paternal aunts love to constantly ask when the hubby and I plan to have children.  Today, I told her we're not. She asked why and I said,

"I can't have children."

It was heartbreaking and liberating.  She whispered, "well, you can adopt."
I said, "nahhh."

With that conversation, I am sure the grapevine is already buzzing and all the other aunts will know my unfortunate truth.  I won't have to deal with the dreaded baby question anymore.

Now, that I have done it with family, maybe I'll be able to do it with friends and strangers.  I guess it's all baby steps, except there's no baby.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

A Sucker Setback

So...It's official this IVF Sucker is not going in for the next round.  I'm backing off the March retrieval.  I've discussed it with the husband and notified the doctor. 

I'm currently relishing my lack of a period, especially since I know it's not a sign of anything ominous.  My thyroid levels came back fine.  Witch Doctor thinks my nausea could be the result of DHEA.  So, I've stopped taking those supplements, along with the other two (vitamin D and royal jelly). I'll begin taking better care of my general health, which includes finding a primary care doctor and finding out just how serious this thyroid thing is.  My family has a history of it.

Someone asked me today if I still want children.  I quickly said yes, but internally, I wasn't really sure.  Would someone who really wants children keep freaking out over IVF?  Wouldn't that person do whatever it takes?

I guess ultimately I resent this whole experience.  I think I destroyed a pretty good life with the last round.  For that shot, I took out a massive loan, fell into deep depression and changed jobs to pay for that loan.  If I hadn't tried it, I'd be back in what I considered a decent, happy time. Failure at this has caused me to ruin some pretty good relationships as well.  I'm in the middle of destroying one as I type.  I can't be friends with people with kids. It is what it is.

If I could turn back time, I would tell a young Erika that she wouldn't be a mother, so she wouldn't build dreams around it.  That must be it!  Not achieving that dream is what hurts so much.

I guess I'll work on being Erika, which at this moment includes becoming a dog trainer (and friendless).  When you can't have kids, just get more dogs, right?  Oh...being Erika also includes trying to find a way to get a picture of your remaining embryo so you can look at it and pretend it's a real baby.  (where is the nearest insane asylum?)

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I'm on day 43 of this cycle.  My blood test came back negative for pregnancy.  Now, I'm waiting for the thyroid results.  I haven't started taking the progesterone yet.  For some reason, I began liking the idea of never having a period again.  I found myself thinking, "Why mess up this good thing?"

My big question is and always will be when does one wave the white flag?  When do you know for sure that it is time to give up?  I came to the conclusion that this may indeed be it.  My body may be trying to make my heart and mind accept this difficult reality.  I don't know.

I keep reading about women who never give up and finally get their child, but I've also read about the ones who never succeed.  You can only be one or the other.   Even with the insurance, I don't have the money to comfortably keep trying.  I'm still paying back the loan from the last IVF and all I have to show for it is a very changed personality and sense of being.

I'm 33.  I'll be 34 this year.  I've been married since I was 25 years old, which is a very fertile age.  At this point, it feels like I'm trying to go for a win more than trying to have a baby.  This whole process has made me feel like such a loser.  I really hate losing.  This has become the biggest challenge of my life, as well as the biggest failure.  It's something I can't hide.  I will always be without child and the reason will always be that I couldn't beat this.  Whatever...

I'm going over things in my head and the more I think, the more I believe that I'm not going for this second egg retrieval.  Not right now.  My thoughts are becoming increasing dark again. I'm just not sure.

Anyway, this post is terrible and sad.  So, I will leave you with a fun pic of my puppy-kids (they look so gangsta, right?).  Despite Roxie's apprehension about Wally when we first brought him home, they are best buddies now.  It's quite hilarious.  Just yesterday, Roxie taught Wally how to run underneath the bed, which is not good for me at all:-)

Monday, February 10, 2014

Questions Answered

In my mind, someone is interviewing me about this ridiculous cycle.  So below are my answers.

This is day 41.  What the (insert desired curse word here)?  My period still has not come home.  She is missing!!!!

Witch Doctor told me to take progesterone for the next seven nights.  Thank goodness I still had some progesterone capsules from December 2012.  Those bastards were $200 bucks because my insurance did not cover them.  So, I guess it's good that they'll get some use?

My thyroid medication has been making me feel unsettled.  As I told Witch Doctor it's just short of nauseous.  Out of an abundance of precaution, I am taking a blood test tomorrow.  We will check HCG and T-whatever levels (all the stuff connected to my beloved, but under active thyroid).

Side note: Maybe my stomach has been unsettled because I'm hungry?

I asked Witch Doctor if she wanted to take bets on the HCG results.  She said no.  She is so not fun.  I would have only bet a dollar, since I know from the FIVE home tests I've taken that I am as far from pregnant as one can get.  I know she can spare a dollar, I've given her about $35,000 so far.

Now I wonder if I should just let this lack of a period linger until I 'm ready for stemming.  I didn't ask Witch Doctor because I felt that I'd reached my email quota for the day with her.  There's only so much she and I can take of each other.  I guess I'll ask tomorrow.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Hey Period, I'm Over Here!

I am on Cycle Day 37.  Don't get excited.  I am still NOT pregnant.  I know this because I've taken FOUR pregnancy tests.  Yes, they were all negative.  Normally, when I take a test my period finds me quickly.  This time around, the B*tch is still missing or lost or something.

I'm ready to order a lighted billboard to show Mrs. Period where to find me.  She's obviously confused somewhere.  WTF?

Let's all entertain ourselves with my latest exchange with Witch Doctor (WD).

Me:  "In case you're wondering, my period still has not found me.  I blame the weather."

WD:  "Could very much be the weather.  Or still a late ovulation and pregnancy (sorry to be so annoying about that)  omg, I must be so annoying!"

WELLLLLL..... No words have ever been more true:-) At least she knows she's annoying.  I can't get too mad because I'm sure I'm annoying the hell out of her too.  This is one of the reasons I keep giving her my money.  When I'm panicked, she finds time to personally respond to even the most ridiculous of my emails. 

So here's the thing.  I think Mrs. Period will find her way home by Monday.  I went from being consistently crampy to the point where I thought she was coming, to feeling pretty calm in the uterus.  That's the normal sign that she's on the way.  As I've mentioned in my last two posts, this is the longest time she's ever stayed away during a natural cycle.  Again, I've never had a cycle longer than 29/30 days in the last three years for sure.

I am still hoping for some sort of March egg retrieval.

Monday, February 3, 2014

I wonder...

I wonder what it's like to have a late period and actually have a chance of being pregnant. 

Wanted: My Damn Period

This is officially the longest non-medication-assisted cycle of my life, or at least since I've been keeping record of it.  I really don't think I've ever had one more than 29/30 days.  Today, I am on cycle day 34.  I took a pregnancy test Saturday and Sunday.  As expected, they were negative.

I have been researching to see why this is happening.  The best that I can come up with is late ovulation, which I've had before, but never THIS late.  I think it was so late because I had a nasty cold the week I was supposed to ovulate.  I was so sick that I had to take off two days of work.  I really should have taken off three days.  I hadn't been that sick since 2005.   Dr. Google says flu and or a bad colds can throw off your cycle.  Since I have some period symptoms like very, very mild cramps, I know that my period is coming.  I just hate this waiting.  Normally, she pops up between days 24 and 27.  Before my last transfer, she was consistently a 27-day type chick for three months.

I am so nervous because I fear this late cycle could be a signal of a change or something.  Although, I never get pregnant my body seems to always do what it's supposed to do, except get pregnant.  So I'm afraid something is off.  Paranoid?  Why yes I am.

Soooo sidenote:  While doing laundry yesterday, I found out where my husband has been hiding all of the expensive pregnancy tests (the ones that you don't have to pee in a cup, then dip the stick int he cup).  I thought I had some left, but when I searched for them during my last transfer, I couldn't find them.  LOL!  Homeboy was hiding them in his bottom drawer.  He is so cute.  LOL!