Thursday, February 13, 2014

A Sucker Setback

So...It's official this IVF Sucker is not going in for the next round.  I'm backing off the March retrieval.  I've discussed it with the husband and notified the doctor. 

I'm currently relishing my lack of a period, especially since I know it's not a sign of anything ominous.  My thyroid levels came back fine.  Witch Doctor thinks my nausea could be the result of DHEA.  So, I've stopped taking those supplements, along with the other two (vitamin D and royal jelly). I'll begin taking better care of my general health, which includes finding a primary care doctor and finding out just how serious this thyroid thing is.  My family has a history of it.

Someone asked me today if I still want children.  I quickly said yes, but internally, I wasn't really sure.  Would someone who really wants children keep freaking out over IVF?  Wouldn't that person do whatever it takes?

I guess ultimately I resent this whole experience.  I think I destroyed a pretty good life with the last round.  For that shot, I took out a massive loan, fell into deep depression and changed jobs to pay for that loan.  If I hadn't tried it, I'd be back in what I considered a decent, happy time. Failure at this has caused me to ruin some pretty good relationships as well.  I'm in the middle of destroying one as I type.  I can't be friends with people with kids. It is what it is.

If I could turn back time, I would tell a young Erika that she wouldn't be a mother, so she wouldn't build dreams around it.  That must be it!  Not achieving that dream is what hurts so much.

I guess I'll work on being Erika, which at this moment includes becoming a dog trainer (and friendless).  When you can't have kids, just get more dogs, right?  Oh...being Erika also includes trying to find a way to get a picture of your remaining embryo so you can look at it and pretend it's a real baby.  (where is the nearest insane asylum?)


  1. I definitely don't think that just because you don't feel like you can go through another IVF means that you don't want to be a parent. At some point you need to decide how much longer you're willing to put yourself through the unhappiness and waiting and worry and stress. It's so hard putting your life on hold, and seeing how it destroys your friendships. We feel pretty isolated now too, and as you know we have some big decisions to make. Whatever you do, I really hope that we both can find some peace with it and find ways to be happy. Hugs.

    1. I can relate to everything you're feeling.especially the part about being friends with people who have kids. All they can talk about is kids and since I cant have any I don't really have anything to talk about. Most people with kids aren't interested in other topics. Its rough. Im thinking about you and wishing for the best for you.

    2. erinvns, how are you? Are you able to interact with couples who have children, or is it still hard for you too?

    3. Im not too bad these days... The thing about couples with kids is that it used to be painful but now that the pain is gone I realize how little in common we have and how much I don't want to hear their kids poop story. After that it just becomes annoying. I made an effort when we were trying because I figured I would one day become one of them and now suddenly my "friends" are surprised that I don't want to talk about their kids all the time and that I might want to talk about something else, something I can participate in, you know? Rant over!