Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Another Day, Another Negative

ART failure number 4 is official.  I took the test this morning.  It was negative.  I celebrated with a trip to Chick-fil-A.  I even got a large fry:-)  Go Me!

I would have prefered vodka, and possibly a highly addictive drug.

Monday, April 21, 2014

10 Days Post IUI

I am ten days post IUI.  I'm 99.9% sure I'm NOT pregnant, but there's still that little bit of hope.  Damn!

Anyway, I kind of want to stop taking my progesterone because I'll have two complete boxes left, instead of opening one up for the last three days of this situation.

Of course I'm thinking about testing early, but I don't have a test at home.  I'm too chicken to go buy one from the store because I just feel stupid.  I'd rather buy pads and tampons.  In fact, I need to pick up some of those.  I think I'll pay for the sanitary napkins and make Hubby pick up a home test for me.  It's the least he can do:-)

I am going to a baby shower on Saturday for a friend having twins.  I am afraid to go, but I know it will be so fancy that I want to see it.  I know that's dumb.  The truth is, I feel like this is my test and I feel like I can make it.  Men are invited, so it's kind of like a regular party.  I plan to stick to my husband like glue and hang out in the men circles.  I can feign love of all things sports.

With that said, I've completely stopped talking to my pregnant best friend.  I guess we weren't really best friends?  She's totally consumed with pregnancy. It's all she talks about and I just can't handle it.  I'm working on my fourth ART failure here.  It's hard to listen to someone who has pregnancy brain.  My mother says maybe if I told my pal that at the start of her pregnancy, my second FET failed, and my fibroids are growing, and my recent IVF failed and had to be converted to an IUI, maybe she would get it.  However, I don't want to kill her joy.  I just decided to pull back and because we live so far away, I just pulled all the way out of the relationship.  It hurts, but life must go on and so it is.

I have found a primary care doctor and I'm going for a physical next Monday.  It's my first one as an adult.  I know. I'm not exactly a walking example of how to take care of yourself.  Hopefully, I 'm not too traumatized when it's over.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Hot Flashes

I'm 33!

Hot Flashes?


Progesterone, you are the devil.  You are the devil in a vaginal insert.

Serenity NOW!

This dramatic moment brought to you by an insane infertile :-)

Carry on.

Monday, April 14, 2014


Do IUIs really even work?  I mean aren't they just sex, without the sex?  If I can't get pregnant through sex, how will an IUI do the trick?  I prefer to call the procedure WOM, waste of money.  Hopefully, the insurance picks up most of it:-)

SERIOUSLY?!  Why is my life so difficult?

Why does the lunchroom keep making delicious rice crispy treats?  I can't resist them, especially when I'm I the middle of an infertility tragedy.  Damn!

AND AND, my freaking pants are unbelievably tight today.  Did that stop me from purchasing the rice crispy treat? NO

Is it really ONLY Monday?  Where is the mercy, Jesus?  Show it to me now!!!!

Alright. Meltdown over.  I will return to my beloved rice crispy treat and continue to pray that my tight pants refrain from ripping.


Friday, April 11, 2014

IUI #2 -- DONE!

Do I get a badge?  I should get a badge because I just finished IUI #2 like a champ.  That torture device they put in my nether region tried to break me down, but I was strong and endured.  Of course I cried in the 15 minutes Witch Doctor makes you wait after the procedure.  It was a short burst of sadness for the state of my reproductive life.  Hubby sang to me and well, I couldn't be sad after that. There's something about a man whispering, yet singing an r-n-b song as hard as he can, that just melts all the troubles away-- temporarily.

When it was all over, I came home to my sweet pups and resumed my role as Dog Park Mom.  So life goes on....

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I Should Be Pissed

I should be pissed.  This IVF is a failure and is being converted into an IUI, but at the moment I don't care.  What?  The Hubs and I triggered last night and we go in for the "catheter dance" tomorrow morning.  I've got about four or five follicles, but only one really big one.  Witch Doc, thought she could get one blast out of that, but understood it wouldn't be worth risking our IVF insurance on it.  So, IUI it is.

Now the surgeon...Whew!  My appointment was at 11:30am.  His office is an hour drive from my home, without traffic.  We got there at 11am, fill out papers, get comfy and then....DUDE IS NOT IN THE OFFICE.  His staff claimed he was in emergency surgery.  (uh huh Sure!)  They asked us to return at about 12:30, but at 12ish, I got a call saying it will be closer to 1pm.  I got UPSET and cancelled the damn appointment, but my level-headed husband made me call them back and reverse that decision.  UGH! However, I let them know that it was totally unprofessional for them not to call us ahead of time.  I understand emergency surgeries, but that is why surgeons hire a staff.  It is the staff's duty to make sure all meetings are cancelled and all impacted parties are notified.  They apologized, but it didn't change the fact that this mess turned into a 6 hour doctor visit.

The Surgeon never touched me.  His niece, who is a doctor, examined me.  She explained how they would do the procedure very thoroughly and she was actually quite nice and contrite about being late.  We didn't see the Surgeon, until about 4!  He was also apologetic, but here's the thing:  I wanted to see him, so I could hate him and NOT have to worry about this surgery anymore.  I did NOT hate him.  He was very pleasant, confident and appeared honest.

I left confused and cried in the car.  It wasn't the "woe-is-me" cry.  It was more like the "what-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-do" cry.  *sigh*

Anyway, I'm glad I took the day off work for those shenanigans because I was a mess.  I thought I would get really sad, and there were moments when I almost did, but my husband kept working with me.  In the end, I was ok.  All in all, it was a good day.

Now back to the IUI.  WHAT IN THE HELL?  What am I supposed to do with a damn IUI?  It is like a really bad joke, right?  I can't wait until Saturday.  I am going to drink so many mojitoes that I may just sleep at the bar.

Monday, April 7, 2014


This cycle is looking quite lame.  It's so lame that Doc told me there is a chance we may have to convert to IUI, so that I don't waste any of my insurance money.  Yikes!  I've got about four follicles popping at the moment.  That's a far cry from the 11 that were doing back flips during the last cycle.  So what have we learned?  Maybe acupuncture really does work.

Of course Witch Doctor delivers this news with the most positive spin, so I didn't immediately freak out.  I should also add that it was really early in the morning for me (I work the equivalent of a second shift, so I prefer to be a late riser.  However, Wally has taken that away from me).  I started to cry a little in the car, and Hubby consoled me.  I really don't have time to feel sorry for myself at the moment because I just went through the dogs' morning routine.  This is my first chance to sit down.  It's 11am.  I got home from the doctor's office at 8:30am.

Doc says these are the results she expected from me during the last IVF.  This is more in line with my DOR (bad eggs).  *sigh*  Anyway, I go see the surgeon on Wednesday, so I better get off of here and go fill out my new patient forms.

If you pray, and you want to pray for me, don't pray for my IVF or the quality of eggs.  Please  ask that I'm strong enough to accept whatever the outcome is.  Thanks.

Now, off to fill out forms that ask way more questions than I care to answer:-)

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I'm A Fool

Happy April Fool's Day!  Want to know a secret?  I start stemming tonight for an egg retrieval.  I don't know who is paying for this mess.  My insurance changed.  Yes. Changed.  That means it no longer offers the three tries.  It only offers ONE.  AND, I need some pre-authorization.  I may truly be screwed, but I figured I'd pay the little pre fees and if I can't come up with the rest, oh well....PAYMENT PLAN.

That makes me a what?  A DAMN FOOL (that's worse than being a sucker).  *bows and waives to the crowd*

In case you're wondering what's in my medicine bag this time around, I'll drop a few expensive names. I have menopur, follistim, ganirelix and HGH.  Woot Woot!  The insurance covered 85% up to $5,000.   I apparently went over because I got hit with a $1300 bill.  I wondered how that happened, since last time I paid out of pocket and I don't remember topping 5 grand.  Well, last time I had bravelle.  That stuff is cheaper because it comes in powder form and doesn't need a fancy pen and needles like follistim.  I wish Witch Doctor and the gang would have let a Player know.  I would have gladly gone for the powder.  Truthfully, I don't think bravelle was on my insurance list.

We are just hoping for a few good eggs.  If our pockets allow, we'd also like to genetically test them, but that's definitely counting the chickens before they hatch. (I just rolled my eyes at myself)

Next Wednesday, I have an appointment to see the man who will likely chop up my uterus.  Wednesday night, I'll probably drink margaritas and cry.  Ain't life grand?

By the way, I probably spelled all of those medications wrong.  I paid enough for them to disrespect the spelling any way I like.