Saturday, August 24, 2013

More Shrink Talk

My shrink told me I don't know how to handle pain and sadness.

I was like, "Whaaaaat?"

She says you have to teach yourself.  It's kind of like  learning to hold your breath under water for as long as you can, until your defense mechanisms kick in and propel you back to the surface.

I was like "Huh?"

 Who WANTS the ability to deal with sadness?  Shouldn't you do all you can to make it go away immediately?  You smile, push away the pain and sadness, and eliminate all reminders of it.  And Bam!  Things are right with the world again.
Anyway, the shrink's words tumbled around in my brain all day.  I realized that whatever she paid for her degrees,  may have helped her stump me on this one. HA!

I couldn't push away the pain of my FET failure and I couldn't get rid of all the reminders.  When I failed at the "make-myself-ok" mission I'd successfully completed so many times  in the past,  I snapped.  I lost all control and tried to make myself disappear because I was the reminder of the pain. 

"What does crying get you?  Nothing!" 

That's what my Mother used to tell me.  It was my motto for a long time.  As I 
got older, I allowed myself to cry more, but I viewed it as a growing weakness.  
I mean...I guess what I'm trying to say is sadness is a weakness to me.  That's why I tried so hard to quickly get over my FET, but all of my attempts failed miserably.

I still don't understand how one learns to handle sadness and pain, without being just a sad person to be around.  I guess I have to work to understand that, but I did realize that my ideas about sadness are the real weakness.  I hope to correct it in the future.

I don't know what's next for me, but as usual, I hope it includes weight loss:-)

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Three Pounds!

I'm down three pounds!  Of course, now that I've written it, I'll probably go up again:-)
I had to stop my beloved Turbo Fire because my body rebelled, but there's an upside.  My dog finally got out of her funk.

My older and larger dog passed away some months ago and our smaller, younger dog really hasn't been right since.  She never liked walking before, but she totally rebelled after we lost Missy.  Here we are three months later, and she's finally letting me walk her on the trail, which is fantastic.  I love my dogs, but I always have one around because they keep me mobile.  The fact that my little girl wasn't in the mood, wasn't helping me at all.

Now that she's back in the groove, I've slowly returned to the old habit of morning walks.  My knees just hurt so badly.  Ugh!  Anyways, I'm not giving up hope on reclaiming a life that's ten to fifteen pounds lighter.  Hopefully the walking and my new super-arch-support shoes will help me get a little stronger.

I told my husband that after my FET failed, I felt like my body just started to betray me in every way possible.  He questioned if some of it may be mental.  He's not suggesting I'm imagining it, but that maybe I'm perpetuating it because of my overwhelming sadness.


I don't want to be sad anymore and vowed to myself that I'd fight my way back.  I'll never be the same again, but I at least want to be fun? that all of that drama is out the way...

1.  I finished a book called "Flight Behaviour."  It's by Barbara Kingsolver.  It's a fictional tale about butterflies and a country family.  The overall message is no matter what the change or adversity, somehow we're equipped to find a way to survive anyway.  It should have been motivating for me, but I was annoyed by the way the message was delivered.  This book definitely did not live up to the standards set by Kingsolver's "Poisonwood Bible."

2.  I followed up the above book with Chinua Achebe's "Things Fall Apart."  Achebe was a Nigerian writer and his tale centers around a strong and prideful man named Okonkwo.  Through him and his village we learn that if you do not accept change and do not protect all, you can lose an entire way of life.  You know?  It's like the ol' united we stand, divided we fall.

3.  Now I'm reading a book called "In Search of Satisfaction" by J. California Cooper.  I'm only 19 pages in and I'm loving it so far.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Random Celebrity Thoughts

I used to crave stories from celebrities and high-profile people talking about beating infertility.  Now I hate them all.  Why?  Well now they have everything: success, money AND a baby.  Damn!!  Can I get something?  Oh yeah...I did.  DEBT and 10 POUNDS!

In my mind I've totally been thinking about Jimmy Fallon and the Star Wars Dude.  They both used some form of assisted reproductive treatment, but whatever!  There's always a chance when cash is endless.  I've also wanted to talk about the actor who donated sperm to an old girlfriend and pretty much gave up paternal rights.  This same actor got back with the girlfriend and fell in love with the child, but when the couple split again, baby-mama told him to step off!  Now he's fighting for parental rights and could ultimately change how sperm donation is handled in this country.

 I can't formulate my thoughts for these individuals because I'm still so jaded by my own failure/situation...whatever you want to call it.  So I've got nothing, but jumbled thoughts that don't flow freely onto the keyboard.


When sinners are dipped in the holy water, they say they are born again.  If only it wasn't symbolic...
If only I could find a way to get a mulligan... If only...

Thursday, August 8, 2013


1.  The shrink says I'm in mourning.

2.  I want to go shopping, but I'm broke. (I've started watching Sex & The City again.  Broke folks just shouldn't watch it.)

3.  I have not been working out, but it isn't far from my mind.  My knees have just been awful.  They are finally starting to feel better and hopefully, I'll be able to gently jump back into Turbo Fire next week.  

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Shrink Wrapped

Holy! Crap!

I went to a shrink.  I actually went...and I hated it!!  I hated it, but I'm going back.

Here's the breakdown: She says I'm depressed.
My secret response: No shit, Sherlock.

My husband accompanied me on this particular journey and he was very helpful.  It turns out that I don't like talking face-to-face with  strangers about personal situations.  As you can probably guess,  I cried.  I cried a lot!!

She didn't talk as much as I thought she would, which was odd.  I don't know how you fill an hour with the delicate verbal dance of, "how does that make you feel?"

We laughed at her and me when it was all over, but then... I don't know.

She said people never feel better after the first session and boy was she right. I could barely get through work.  The next day? I sobbed before work.  Sobbed.
The drive to the office didn't help to calm my emotions.  So I called the shrink and made another appointment.

I don't really know how that will help. I'm in a strange place.  I needed help to continue to fail at trying to conceive and now I need help with the tragedy of it all.  A margarita is nicer, stronger and cheaper.  Of course I think the overindulgence of it causes more wrinkles and weight gain. I'm good at weight gain.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Doctor Review

Below you will find the review I would post on Yelp, if I wasn't a punk.

Dr. XX is an extremely compassionate doctor and far more accessible than her counterparts, who often pawn you off to nurses.  However, she is human. I need you to remember that.  Would I recommend you to her? Yes. She is always available via email etc.  She is always there for you.  Would I give you a warning? Yes. Read below.

Think for yourself. That seems obvious, but keep reading and hopefully my examples will make you understand why I am telling you this.

1. The day she set a trigger date for my IUI, I asked her about my blood work.  She told me not to worry about it.  We'd talk about it later. After my IUI failed, she told me I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) or old eggs.  This should have been my first and only clue to leave the practice or thinking carefully about following her advice.  While she hadn't lied to me directly, she'd lied by omission. I wouldn't have gone forward with the $400 procedure had I known my condition.

2. Because of my old eggs, she said she only expected me to have about two viable eggs out of ten in an IVF situation.  She told me it would be best to genetically test any resulting embryos to be sure they were chromosomally normal.  I took out a loan for my procedures like so many other women.  I chose a package based on the idea that I would be lucky, if I produced any viable embryos at all.  Well, I had 11 eggs.  They all fertilized.  Six made it to day-5 blastocysts.  Five passed genetic testing.  Turns out the genetic testing didn't matter.  I put two chromosomally normal embryos back and my IVF failed.  I didn't even get a chemical pregnancy. It just failed.

3.  After my failure she told me she thought my right tube might have fluid.  My only thought was, "why did she let me go through with this if she thought I had a problem tube?" I had already delayed my transfer over concerns about my fibroids. She assured me there was nothing to worry about it. I guess she forgot about my tube, until my IVF failed.

I am out of options now and out of money. I did everything she told me--- down to the supplements and it didn't work.  That's okay. She's not "god."  However, my pain was magnified because I felt her optimism and compassion may have been misleading. I believed in her because of glowing reviews like the ones below (yelp).  

I'm not here to discourage you from seeing her.  I just want you to be realistic, which I wasn't. Be realistic. If it's meant to be it will happen and I don't think it matters which doctor you see, as long as you have the ability to keep trying.  If you're like me and don't have an infinite supply of money, be thorough and ask lots of questions.  Most important of all, try not to see her when she's pregnant. It hurts more when your doc has a baby and you're still barren.