Small, Strange Updates

1.  I am working hard at this new job.  They are making me earn my money.  It's fun.  I hope I learn and grow.

2.  My shrink...ugh!  I told her that I am acknowleging that I still want kids, but I hope the desire dissipates.  She's says it will always be there and never go away.  I kind of wanted to smack her, but the truth hurts, right?

3.  I am going to my old RE for my yearly, girly checkup next month.

4.  I found a new RE who has a year waiting list.  I promptly put myself on it for a FET.  I lied and told them that if the FET doesn't work, I want another IVF.  While at some point my mind may want another expensive-assed-IVF, my wallet surely won't allow it.

5.  I have spent the last couple of months making fun of my husband for taking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to lunch.  Well, guess who jumped on the PB&J bandwagon?  That would be me:-)

It Ain't Over

I got a new job.  I'm going to the competitor of my old employer.  So!  My old boss walked me out, after I handed in my two week notice. That means I'm sitting in the house chilling until my new job begins.

That gives me lots of time to think about my infertility, my shrink and my embryos.  You're probably wondering how and where my husband fits into all of this.  Well, he's omnipresent in all of those things.

Anyway back to my soap opera entitled, "As The Infertility Turns."

Before the show begins, we should have a recap of the past.  

The long-suffering and hard-working infertile, Erika failed in her IVF attempt.  She spiraled into a strange depression, took too many pills, went to a shrink and is now on the road to recovery?

Now onto the new episode.

After weeks of visiting a shrink, crying and spilling her guts, Erika's not-so-secret cloud of anger has dissipated.  Instead of nearly killing herself trying to get over her desire for children, she's embracing it.  (some may consider that dumb.  It's kind of like the crackhead embracing the desire for crack? Whatever!)

Erika has come to terms with the fact that she will return to the infertility world at some point because she has three embryos and she's tired of paying for their frozen dorm.

Alright, I'm dropping the third person. It's strange.

I've decided that at some point, I will transfer the three remaining embryos.  This time it's not with the hope of having children.  It's to be done with the entire situation.  It will probably be a year before I do it because I'm starting a new job.  I need to concentrate 110% on that.  An FET wouldn't allow for that.

Anyway I've decided that it will kind of be like an infertile version of 'Survivor.'

Can my three girls survive that mine field that is my body?

I won't deny my desire for children because that was part of my mental break.  I have to just deal with the desire and the sadness it brings.  It's not bad and I can still smile.  I can still cry over it and it's not the end of the world.

Now back to, "As The Infertility Turns!"

Erika must now tuck her tail between her legs (I've been hanging with my dog too much.  I'm starting to mimic her), and go back to the witch doctor.  Erika needs a Pap smear and doesn't want to deal with a gynecologist and answering all of those questions about her troubled lady parts.  The witch doctor already knows about them.  Erika's insurance likely won't cover the visit, but Erika is willing to pay just to avoid telling another soul about this tricky infertility journey.

Doctor Review

Below you will find the review I would post on Yelp, if I wasn't a punk.

Dr. XX is an extremely compassionate doctor and far more accessible than her counterparts, who often pawn you off to nurses.  However, she is human. I need you to remember that.  Would I recommend you to her? Yes. She is always available via email etc.  She is always there for you.  Would I give you a warning? Yes. Read below.

Think for yourself. That seems obvious, but keep reading and hopefully my examples will make you understand why I am telling you this.

1. The day she set a trigger date for my IUI, I asked her about my blood work.  She told me not to worry about it.  We'd talk about it later. After my IUI failed, she told me I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) or old eggs.  This should have been my first and only clue to leave the practice or thinking carefully about following her advice.  While she hadn't lied to me directly, she'd lied by omission. I wouldn't have gone forward with the $400 procedure had I known my condition.

2. Because of my old eggs, she said she only expected me to have about two viable eggs out of ten in an IVF situation.  She told me it would be best to genetically test any resulting embryos to be sure they were chromosomally normal.  I took out a loan for my procedures like so many other women.  I chose a package based on the idea that I would be lucky, if I produced any viable embryos at all.  Well, I had 11 eggs.  They all fertilized.  Six made it to day-5 blastocysts.  Five passed genetic testing.  Turns out the genetic testing didn't matter.  I put two chromosomally normal embryos back and my IVF failed.  I didn't even get a chemical pregnancy. It just failed.

3.  After my failure she told me she thought my right tube might have fluid.  My only thought was, "why did she let me go through with this if she thought I had a problem tube?" I had already delayed my transfer over concerns about my fibroids. She assured me there was nothing to worry about it. I guess she forgot about my tube, until my IVF failed.

I am out of options now and out of money. I did everything she told me--- down to the supplements and it didn't work.  That's okay. She's not "god."  However, my pain was magnified because I felt her optimism and compassion may have been misleading. I believed in her because of glowing reviews like the ones below (yelp).  

I'm not here to discourage you from seeing her.  I just want you to be realistic, which I wasn't. Be realistic. If it's meant to be it will happen and I don't think it matters which doctor you see, as long as you have the ability to keep trying.  If you're like me and don't have an infinite supply of money, be thorough and ask lots of questions.  Most important of all, try not to see her when she's pregnant. It hurts more when your doc has a baby and you're still barren.

Sh*t Happens

Shit!

I started researching new doctors.  I am broke!  Why the hell am I looking up new doctors?  I must be the dumbest person on the entire earth.

I thought I found a decent candidate, but she ended her YouTube video by saying, "women just need to be open to the journey."  That's like saying the abused should just be open to the journey.  Be open to the fist slamming into your face!

I guess I am open to the fist slamming into my face. Otherwise I wouldn't have been googling.

Note to self: stop googling charlatans known as infertility specialists.

The place storing my embryos is implementing a new policy.  They want everyone to sign up for electronic payment.  The wording of the note made it sound mandatory.  I have to call to get this all straightened out.  I pay my bills on time, but I pay them when I want to.  I don't like having automation.    I'd rather just give a lump sum payment for the year.

Anyway their little note made me realize I have to do something.  I have to give the embryos a try or let them thaw out.


Double Shit!

I wish I lived in the world of Mad Men. I'd be sipping a strong, VERY STRONG cocktail right now.
I had a shrink appointment this week.  Of course I cancelled it.  Here's a secret: I made another one.  Maybe I'll actually go this time.  I can't believe I need to pay someone to listen to me rant out loud.  Is that a sign of narcissism or self-importance?  Maybe I should just go to confession.  According to Mad Men, the priests listen for free.



Triple Shit!

I really messed up my knee.  I don't know what to do.  I need to do something fast though.  My weight is disturbing.


Oh what the hell...shots anyone?

Can I be 100% ?

I told my RE that I have decided against going to the specialist.  Guys, I'm out of money and at this point, I can't afford to see him. I figure he'll probably tell me to get surgery.  I'm done with surgeries that don't have something to do with saving my life.

This was my RE's emailed response:


"the goal is this: [you are] 100% secure in our decision to move forward without removing fibroids"


If that's the goal, then I know a trip to the specialist ain't worth the money.  Doctors are a necessary evil for me. I try to avoid them as much as possible, which is pretty funny considering how much I have to see them just to have a child. Lord!  Anyway, here's why a doctor can never make me feel 100%:


1. I got my first pap smear at 22.  (Late, right?) Since that first visit to the GYN, I always asked, "Is there anything wrong?"  I was always told I was perfect.  At 27 I finally pushed the issue because I'd been married two years and wasn't pregnant.  The doctor ordered an ultrasound to humor me.  Lo and behold, I had fibroids so big that the technician was stunned I'd never felt them.  Well, imagine how stunned I was that a doctor never felt them either.

2.  My first RE told me removing the fibroids should lead to pregnancy.  Uhm, that was two years ago.  Guess who's not pregnant?  oh...that would me.

3.  My current RE!  Before I started taking hormones for the egg retrieval, I asked her if she thought my uterus could handle this.  She told me YES!  Then all of sudden she had concerns as we were preparing for the transfer.

I won't be 100% until I have a baby, who is born alive.  I won't be 100%, until the child grows into an amazing adult and changes the world.  I won't be 100%, until I die knowing I gave my child everything possible to survive this crazy world.

So... with that said, I just have to move on.

I have been off the crazy hormones for about six weeks and I am finally feeling like myself.  Folks, I was wildin' out.  As you can probably tell from my posts, I was extremely sensitive and emotional.  I knew I was completely off when I lost my mind and yelled...I mean YELLED...at a coworker.  That's not me and that's not my style at all.

I apologized to that co-worker, but until that moment, I didn't realize how out of control I was feeling.  That powerless feeling multiplied by 1,000 when the doctor checked my uterus.

Now that I am back to myself, I realize she was just doing her due diligence.  Now, I'm ready to move forward.  So hopefully, I'll be able to start taking the pills for the transfer next month.  Please pray for me!  I need it:-)

What I'd Really Like To Post....

As you can tell, I'm a pissed off chick.  I am an only child with a warped sense of humor.  I never really had any one to edit it.  It's also why I often have foot-in-mouth syndrome.  But believe me, those snafus are never ever as bad as what's floating in my mind.  So I decided to give this blog a glimpse of it.  I did edit it a bit because when I wrote this list, I was REALLY angry.  I figured no one should  know how dark I can get.  Here it goes....


What I'd really like to post on Facebook:

Congrats to all the new parents.  I hope your children steal your sleep, drain your bank account and ruin your chances of retirement.  Yay Kids!

What I'd like to tell my RE:

Maybe you shouldn't work while pregnant or maybe you aren't as good as you thought.  Thanks so much for helping me waste  $27,000.  I sure hope that you get to pay a year of your baby's school tuition with my debt.

What I wish:

I wish I had the balls to be a crackhead.  At least there would be fantastic seconds of GLORY that no one could take away, not even fibroids.

My future:

Shit with gold painted on it.  Hooray!

Three of my co-workers take a Krav Maga class. It's some sort of Israeli fighting technique (Jennifer Lopez used it in a movie called Enough).  I often laugh at them when they suggest I join in.  At the moment, I am wearing my hair straight and I do not have time to sweat.  That would cause my hair to draw up and that's not the style I'm going for right now.  But each day, I just get more angry and I'm unable to control the bitterness seeping through my words.  It's making me think that maybe I should look into these classes.  I'd get to yell, scream and beat the shit out of a person in pads.  Of course the fact that they'd be able to do the same to me, doesn't sit so well.

Pregnant RE

Apparently if you have a female reproductive endocrinologist, you should ask if she's pregnant before you believe her suggestions or diagnosis.

I didn't know this little trick.  Now I'm stuck on a cycle with a pregnant doctor (I mean like seven months pregnant). I wish she would have told me so I could have switched doctors, but I guess that wouldn't have been cost effective for her. Because I'm infertile, when someone looks heavy, I don't assume pregnancy. I assume they're like me, indulging in ice cream to get through the sadness.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited for all pregnant people. It's my duty to keep whatever emotional roller coaster I'm on to myself.  However, when the person you've turned to for help in this situation fails to leave out the pregnant detail, it's like getting shot in the face.  You can't figure out where your nose is or if you'll ever be able to breath.

I thought mission #babyrass2013 would be difficult, but I didn't expect it to be this bad.  It has turned me into AN ANGRY person. My sense of humor is gone, which I never thought was a possibility. I am walking around filled with hate.  If I could walk away from myself for say...oh 23 hours a day...I would.  Unfortunately, I'm trapped with myself.

I fake it pretty well at work, but that's because I have to. Bills don't pay themselves and I'm not ready to work a corner just yet.

Best comment from my beloved mother, "You're going into debt because you want to. I went into debt because I had do."  Funny, I never wanted to be an infertile asshole (I'm calling myself an asshole. Not her. I'd never do that. I LOVE my mama).  She didn't mean it that way and I am in no way angry with her, as her comment is taken a bit out of context in this post.  I just wanted to give you a glimpse into my annoying mind. It's just 360 degrees of hate and anger right now.

I took a big risk for this cycle and I'm not feeling optimistic---at.all.

I Am Good At Something

I went to visit my new doctor today. *sigh*  She is the nicest medical professional I've dealt with during my intermittent infertility journey, but the visit? The visit drained me.

I should just go ahead and get this out of the way. I am apparently very good at one thing.  No, it is not complaining. I am very good at growing fibroids. I feared they had come back or that I still had some, but the GYN didn't feel any during last month's exam.  I went into this visit confident that fibroids were not going to be apart of it. I was wrong. I have eight freakin' fibroids in my uterus right now. EIGHT!  I couldn't hold the facade. I cried in the middle of the ultrasound. I mean I had tears, snot...you name it. How embarrassing. Ugh!

Now on to the not so depressing part.  The doctor doesn't think my new round of fibroids will prevent pregnancy.  From the ultrasound, she determined that I ovulated from my right ovary this month (hooray!) and both ovaries look healthy (double hooray!). She was unbelievably gentle, considerate and kind. By the time we left, she had hubby BELIEVING. And I should add that within minutes of our visit ending, she sent me a recap email so I wouldn't forget anything (say what?).

Doc laid out a plan for us.  It starts with hubs making a deposit in a cup for testing, me givng up some blood, starting fertility medication to boost the ol' ovulation and a little insemination.  This train to pregnancy appears to be picking up speed.  Now the questions are how long will the ride last and will we ever reach the desired destination?

*sigh* I left the visit shaken. The whole fibroid thing really messed me up. If it wasn't for my husband being with me at that moment, I would have just withdrawn into myself. He kept me smiling, pumped me full of Starbucks and played a little 2Chainz for me (yes. 2Chainz raps about nonsense, but he cracks me up).

Last month I made a list of things I need to do and fell down on the job.  Here's the updated list.

1. Get my old records (turns out that it doesn't matter that they're nearly two years old. she wants a look.)
2. Find my surgery synopsis sheet.  I could not find the sheet, so I ordered a new one.
3. Pray. Pray hard for the strength to stay sane, calm and open to whatever it is I may need.

Growing Excitement

I am so excited about my upcoming visit to the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so enthusiastic that I have to calm myself down. As you've probably guessed, when it comes to this infertility thing, there is no in between for me.  My emotions are extremely high or extremely low.  It's definitely something I'm trying to work on.

Anyway...I've been googling this doctor like crazy.  She keeps an awesome website that answers some of the frequently asked questions about infertility. I looked at her reviews on Yelp and every one of them was positive, even the ones from women who still are not pregnant.  Someone from her office has already called to update me on my insurance and what it covers, which isn't much as I've mentioned before.  I told her my concerns about the cost and how I planned to approach the situation (trying to save like there's no tomorrow and asking for a lay-away plan. ha!).  She was so polite and didn't try to sugar coat things for me.  That only made me more optimistic about seeing this doctor.

As I get closer and closer to the visit, I have to remind myself that she can't get me pregnant that day.  I am not going to walk out of that place pregnant after the first appointment.  As I've learned before, doctors are not God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes they are a mechanism used to help your miracle, but they cannot cough up miracles like a vending machine.

I have so many questions for this doctor, yet I'm afraid I'll clam up when I'm in her presence.  As I've mentioned before I hope that my cervix is the only thing keeping me from pregnancy and the birth of a healthy baby.  With that said, I think there are only two things that can help me: intrauterine/cervical insemination or in vitro fertilization.  I am not a doctor and I am not anything close to an expert, but (insert sarcasm here) I have watched a lot of episodes of Deliver Me and a Baby Story (I'm really joking).

My husband is going with me on this first visit and he assures me that he'll help me get through this in the best way possible.  He smiles when I get all giddy about the upcoming appointment and encourages me to keep talking to him.  At this moment, I really couldn't ask for a better person to have by side.  I'm a handful when it comes to this infertility thing and he pretends like he has the biggest hands in the world.

I must say I am filled with hope right now and it scares me.  The last time I had a lot of hope, I didn't get the ending I wanted.  I'm just trying to stay grounded and realistic, but without the pessimism.  I'm sure the actual visit will be the reality check I need.

It's Normal!

My HSG results are back and they are normal. My tubes are clear and my uterus appears healthy. I should be doing back flips, but I can't. I've never been flexible. So now the question is what's next? I'll tell you what! I need to change my insurance & head to the fertility specialist. I will become a mother in 2013. If I don't, at the end of 2013, I want to be sure that I gave it my all. No more self pity without taking action.

So! I have already made an appointment with a fertility specialist. I even found out the price if my insurance won't cover the visit. Baby, I am ready...at least for this particular visit. I know once treatments actually begin, I will be back on this blog whining, crying and asking the good lord for a donation.

I'm okay because I know what has to be done. I spent the first seven months of 2012 cutting back. I did my own hair, stayed in the house and exercised (ugh!). Guess what? I saved more than I've ever saved in my life.  Once I stopped, my savings account became a bit bulimic. Oops!

I'm ready to do it again, but I'm not sold on the exercise. The husband is currently doing Insanity, which is great for him. He is insane. I am not:-)

The first visit to the specialist will entail a review of my history, which is documented in this blog. Thank goodness! I didn't realize how much I'd forgotten. Also I'll have that horrible vaginal ultrasound and go from there.

I'm hoping we won't need more than an intrauterine insemination (IUI). I feel like I need to focus on what I think will work, instead of what won't. It's obvious my cervix does not play nice with others. I'm hoping that is my only remaining obstacle to having a healthy baby.

Getting Back on the Bike

Finally, nearly a year after giving up on having a child, I started looking for an infertility expert or an Reproductive endocrinologist. The doctor I chose was a New Yorker in Orlando. I loved her accent and her straightforward nature. 

When she examined me, she could feel the fibroid. I think it may have grown during that year. 

Through extensive questioning, Dr. J, discovered I had classic signs of fibroids. After heavy cramping during my cycle, I also got this unbelievable pressure. It would force me to walk doubled over, unless I took more advil. I never thought anything of it because I have had painful cycles from the beginning. In fact, in middle school, I would actually throw up at the start of each cycle. AND GET THIS, an assistant principal accused me of being pregnant because of it. How funny that is now, especially since I was a virgin until 22 and apparently couldn't get pregnant anyways. BUT, I digress...

Dr. J performed an ultrasound HERSELF. If you read my earlier posts, you'll remember my old doctor wasn't even in the room for the ultrasound. Dr. J set up an appointment for an HSG or dye test. She wanted a better idea of the shape of my uterus and find out if my Fallopian tubes were clear. I didn't realize it, but that's when the real discovery would begin.