Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Can I be 100% ?

I told my RE that I have decided against going to the specialist.  Guys, I'm out of money and at this point, I can't afford to see him. I figure he'll probably tell me to get surgery.  I'm done with surgeries that don't have something to do with saving my life.

This was my RE's emailed response:

"the goal is this: [you are] 100% secure in our decision to move forward without removing fibroids"

If that's the goal, then I know a trip to the specialist ain't worth the money.  Doctors are a necessary evil for me. I try to avoid them as much as possible, which is pretty funny considering how much I have to see them just to have a child. Lord!  Anyway, here's why a doctor can never make me feel 100%:

1. I got my first pap smear at 22.  (Late, right?) Since that first visit to the GYN, I always asked, "Is there anything wrong?"  I was always told I was perfect.  At 27 I finally pushed the issue because I'd been married two years and wasn't pregnant.  The doctor ordered an ultrasound to humor me.  Lo and behold, I had fibroids so big that the technician was stunned I'd never felt them.  Well, imagine how stunned I was that a doctor never felt them either.

2.  My first RE told me removing the fibroids should lead to pregnancy.  Uhm, that was two years ago.  Guess who's not pregnant?  oh...that would me.

3.  My current RE!  Before I started taking hormones for the egg retrieval, I asked her if she thought my uterus could handle this.  She told me YES!  Then all of sudden she had concerns as we were preparing for the transfer.

I won't be 100% until I have a baby, who is born alive.  I won't be 100%, until the child grows into an amazing adult and changes the world.  I won't be 100%, until I die knowing I gave my child everything possible to survive this crazy world.

So... with that said, I just have to move on.

I have been off the crazy hormones for about six weeks and I am finally feeling like myself.  Folks, I was wildin' out.  As you can probably tell from my posts, I was extremely sensitive and emotional.  I knew I was completely off when I lost my mind and yelled...I mean a coworker.  That's not me and that's not my style at all.

I apologized to that co-worker, but until that moment, I didn't realize how out of control I was feeling.  That powerless feeling multiplied by 1,000 when the doctor checked my uterus.

Now that I am back to myself, I realize she was just doing her due diligence.  Now, I'm ready to move forward.  So hopefully, I'll be able to start taking the pills for the transfer next month.  Please pray for me!  I need it:-)

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