Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Birth Control Pills...AGAIN!

I am on birth control pills, Players! I will be on them through the week in preparation for my FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER.

I have been having a hard time. I've been questioning why my Reproductive Endocrinologist chose this path for me. I've questioned everything about the IVF process. If you remember, my doctor only expected me to have two viable embryos out of ten because of my elevated FSH levels, which suggest poor egg quality.  We got more than two and I began to question if she was wrong about my diagnosis and something else is the problem.

I've been so low that I couldn't even muster a fake smile, but then several things happened: God, acupuncture and an upcoming visit from two of my favorite ladies, my Mother and my Aunt.

Despite my negativity, I kept praying at night for strength. My husband held my hand physically and mentally.  I had a fantastic acupuncture session that I felt got my blood pumping, then to cap it off, I attended a fabulous church service.  As my Mother says, sometimes you just need to go to the house to get some hope:-)

Finally, my Mother and Aunt are coming to visit me in two days.  They are my favorite two ladies and throughout my life, visits from them have set me straight and given me the strength to handle adversities small and large.

My description above may sound a little over the top, but try a round of fertility medications and get back to me on where your emotions take you.

As for my embryo babies, FIVE OF THEM PASSED the pre-implanation genetic screening (PGS/PGD).  So, you know how they pick and grade your embryos based on their appearance?  Well, my second "prettiest" em-baby failed the test. *gasp*  My doctor says it would have been one of the two they would have transferred into my uterus, if we hadn't done the testing.  It could have failed to attach or attached and gave us a late and devastating miscarriage.  I found these details so frightening and fascinating.

PGS also tells you the gender of your embryos.  That's a bit too much for me and my husband.  Some people may believe that IVF and such are works of the devil or playing God.  We don't.  We believe they are the works of God.  However, knowing the genders of the embryos and choosing the ones with which to become pregnant based on that, seems like playing God to us. We asked her not to show us any documentation that reveals gender.

I won't lie to you guys, I want to put all five em-babies back at once. I asked my doctor if that would be possible.  Of course, she told me no. LOL!  However, because I threw her that nice curve ball, she didn't try to convince us to only transfer one.  When the time comes, she will transfer two em-babies.  Unless, I can convince her of three. I know it's dumb, but I feel a strange sense of abandonment when it comes to leaving some behind.

It took me several days to stop saying we have six remaining embryos after we learned one failed the test. It felt odd to just stop caring about it, after I spent more than a week praying for it, thinking about it, hoping for it....

Uhm so back to the transfer.  Like the egg production/retrieval process, I am on birth control to suppress my natural hormones so that the doctor can control them.  Once I'm off the pill, they'll check my uterus to make sure all is well. Next I'll take hormones in a pill form to trick my body into thinking it is pregnant. That way the lining will be nice and thick to hold onto those babies for ten months:-)