FET #2---Done!

Alright!  Two out of three remaining Rotties are in.

I tried to cancel this transfer or at least delay it, but Witch Doctor wasn't having it. So, it's done.  Here are the things I'd like to address.

1. Is anyone else perplexed when they're told to arrive with a full bladder, but not so full that you can't hold it?  Uhm.....Since I'm not in the habit of testing my bladder, I don't really know how much liquid will give me the desired effect of full, but not leaking.  Needless to say, I over shot it today.  I had to let out a little. Oops!

2.  The funniest thing happened when we arrived.  My husband was so freaking nervous that I was comforting him.  We both had to laugh at that.  LOL!  I reminded him that I was the one who would have a catheter rammed up my privates.  He couldn't dispute that.  All of his nervousness went away, or he pretended it did.

3.  I really hope anyone going through something like this has a really great partner.  This particular transfer was really difficult for me, as I no longer have grand illusions of being special enough to get a baby out of this.   My husband wouldn't let my misery stop his optimism.  I really love him for it. (Did I write really enough?)

Since I'm supposed to test on Christmas, which is a Wednesday, Doc told me just to get my blood drawn on Monday.  I'm still torn, guys.  I've been through this before.  No matter how you prepare, a negative hurts TREMENDOUSLY.  However, I also have no patience.  But I think my need to not spiral into sadness and enjoy my Father-in-law's visit, will actually outweigh my impatience.  My Father-in-law's birthday is Christmas Eve for goodness sake.

We'll see.  I'm just resting now, and trying to get out all of my thoughts.  Hopefully, that will keep me from obsessing over it in the days to come.

Oh...switching subjects now.  Last night, a friend of mine told me she'd just found out she was pregnant with twins.  I'm happy for her, but heartbroken for me.  I love my friend, but she wasn't infertile.  She didn't get pregnant in three months, freaked out, and lied to her doctor to get clomid.  Now she's having twins.  I'll be by her side, as MY dream comes true for her.  Again, I'm happy for her, but it still stings ALOT.  *bitter, party of one over here :-) *

Side Note:  I will continue estrogen shots every three days.  Plus, I'll take progesterone shots and inserts daily.  Yay for butt shots!

Tuesday Transfer

Woot, Woot! Or Non-woot, Non-woot?  Tomorrow is my transfer date.  Yay for FET #2?

You can just go ahead and call me an infertility veteran now.  Can I get a Purple Heart or something? I'm pretty sure I'm a wounded infertility warrior.

I went to the doctor last week with the plan of having a transfer this upcoming Friday, but low and behold, my lining was thickening faster than Witch Doctor expected (I've been taking estrogen shots every three days).  However, she wouldn't admit to under estimating my response to medication.  She just did the usual:  She Ooh'd and Awed over my lining, beamed with joy and said, "We can do this as early as Tuesday."  Then she kind of put the pressure on for us to move forward with Tuesday.

I was all game, until she told me I had to start progesterone shots that night.  That was a no go!  I was headed to my parents house for the weekend and I was not giving myself butt shots, nor asking my mother to do it for me.  I know she's seen my bottom before, but believe me---it's changed since infancy.

Soooo Witch Doctor gave me a box of progesterone vaginal inserts and sent me on my merry way.  BUT, we have a second issue.  She only wants to transfer two of the three remaining embryos.  Ugh!  I reminded her that it was her idea to transfer three, and that's why we decided to move forward.  I want to use them all and just close this particular IVF/FET chapter.  Per usual, Witch Doctor remained calm and told me that we'd take it step by step.  If the best two don't look that great, she'll have the embryologist thaw the third, and she'll dump them all in for one big happy party. 

I know for her this is an ethics issue, so four days later I tried to persuade her again.  I reminded her that I'm not octomom.  I don't have a history of IVF/fertility success:

1. My three-follicle IUI failed

2.  My two genetically-tested embryos failed

3.  I never took birth control pills (or any chemical form of contraceptives) before infertility treatment, yet I've never even been a little bit pregnant.

In not so may words, I explained that she'd be humanely disposing of said embryos, but she wouldn't bite the bait.  She's sticking with her plan.  So, let's all hope T & L don't have to go to the transfer dance without C (I've dubbed these embryos 'The Rotties' and 'TLC'.  TLC, after the 90s r & b group, is more positive, right? Unless you think about Left Eye's demise, but I digress.)

Since my transfer is Tuesday/Tomorrow, I will only do one day of bed rest, which is against Witch Doctor's wishes.  However, Dr. Google tells me that the bed rest thing is largely subjective.  Each doctor has his or her own theory that really has no scientific backing.  I can't take off two days.  I'm coming off vacation.  It's bad enough that I have to call in sick the day I'm supposed to return from vacation.  I'm sure my boss will not be happy.

The best part of this all is that I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test on Christmas. LOL!  I'm not doing that.  Or Maybe I will.  I'll have a day to sulk.  I don't know.  I think I'll test the 26th.  That way I won't be able to have a complete meltdown because I'll have to go to work.

Ok...the real BEST part is that this will be all over before the New Year, which is what I wanted.  I get a fresh start for 2014.  God, I am so ready for that fresh start.

That's probably more than anyone wanted to know, but if you made it this far, thanks so much for listening.

Bad Breakup

I decided to dump my shrink.  That woman is costing me too much damn money.  I came up with a plan, practiced it in my mind, and prepared to execute it.  But things didn't work out that way.  WTF?!

Here's what happened...

I decided to move forward with my final transfer with my rotten embryos, dubbed "The Rotties."  I figured that I no longer needed the shrink because if I use The Rotties, that effectively ends this chapter of my life.  However, I hadn't found a way to talk to my Hubby about this.  Somehow with the help of the Shrink, I got it all out.

I said that I was ready to do this, but only because I want to be done.  I wanted it all over by December 31st. My husband...he's still very hopeful.  It's hard sometimes because I can't be like that anymore.  It cost me too much last time, but it's selfish to snuff out his joy, right?

The doctor reminded me...us...that nothing we feel is wrong and no ones feelings should be discounted.   She said my emotions will swell and I have to deal with that.

Damn!  With that, I couldn't dump her.  I realized I will need her guidance at least until this entire ordeal is over.  I just wish her services and trained wisdom were free.

So I emailed the witch doctor to get the party started.  She told me that if my cycle starts on time, the transfer and two week wait should be complete before the start of 2014.  I'd prefer to end 2013 with a negative, instead of starting the new year with such bad news.  I did that at the beginning of this year and it sucked.  Aside from my new job, this entire year sucked.

I didn't really know how I was going to pay for this, as my savings is depleted and I have a big loan to pay from the failed cycle.  Imagine my excitement when the doctor's office called to say that with my insurace, the bill for the transfer should be about $280.  Say what?  However, my insurance company could not say if the transfer would be counted as one of the three lifetime IVFs they help cover.

My doctor's office doesn't think it should, but of course, it's not their call.  Well, I can afford $280.  So yeah...All "Three Rotties" are going in and after December, I won't have to pay their rent anymore.  I'll be an empty-nester?  But I'll still make payments for that pesky loan that financed their creation.

Please remember that IVF is for suckers!

Failure, Periods and Planes

So my transfer experience seemed to be ideal up until the last days.  8 days past transfer, I walked into a Quest diagnostics lab to have my blood drawn in Florida.  I asked the lab tech if my doctor would get the results that day.  She said yes.

Uhm...yeah I didn't get those results until Tuesday, which was 11 days past transfer.  The lab left a message on my phone apologizing for the delay.  That was one call I wished I hadn't missed. I wanted curse until the cows came home.  Oh well.

I already knew the truth. Monday I took a home test and just like all of my previous home tests, it was negative before the pee could dry.  I emailed the RE to ask when my period would start.  That Broad convinced my husband that there was a high chance that the home test was wrong.  Excuse me!  I didn't know you needed a medical degree to read a home pregnancy test.  Sooo, my demands that he fly me back home fell on deaf ears.  I'm still angry with him about that. I was stuck in Florida at my best friend's house dealing with the fact that my body killed my twins, I'm $30,000 in debt and I'll probably never have friends again because they are all getting pregnant and we have nothing in common at this point.

I didn't want my Bestie and her Fiance to see me like that. I basically avoided her the rest of the trip.  Just looking at her made me cry.  It was horrible....torture really.

Anyway, Hubs and I went to lunch and I immediately ordered a margarita.  Do you know that a$$ had the nerve to try to stop me?  He begins a secret email conversation with the witch-doctor known as my RE, which leads to her calling me.  I didn't even answer. She is the only person from a blocked number who calls my phone.  I knew it was her and I handed the phone to him.

She asked him to put me on speaker and she went through her spiel. "Erika, this is the hardest part of my job."  I was thinking, "REALLY?! Why don't you try walking in my flip flops, Jerk!"

The rest of her speech sounded like this,  "blah blah...infertility science isn't perfect...blah blah...the good thing is you still have three frozen embryos ready to go home...blah blah...I think you need another HSG....I think your right tube may have fluid...blah blah...Erika, just keep showing up."

Whatever! I'm not showing up, People. I am out of money. I am more broke than I've ever been in my entire life.  Sometimes you have to know when to throw in the towel.  It's my time.  So, I'm mourning my twins.  It hurts.  It hurts to know I killed them.  Now, I'm just learning how to navigate knowing I'll never have kids.  I don't want to adopt and all of that other stuff, so it's cool.

So back to failure, periods and planes....

That jerk of an RE told me my period would start four to five days, after I stopped medication.  SHE WAS WRONG...AGAIN!  My period started exactly three days after I stopped medication.  That meant I was stuck on a plane with the worst cramps ever.  I popped eight advil on that plane, while my husband complained that I was going to make myself sick.  I rarely want to kill that man, but if I would have had a loaded weapon anytime from Monday to Wednesday, I would have shot him without blinking an eye.  I wouldn't have been on a plane with cramps, had he booked my emergency flight home on Monday, like I asked.

The drugs finally kicked in and I slept until we reached our layover.  That's where I found out why the pain was so bad, I was trying to pass a clot.  You can't really do that with a tampon rammed up your privates on a plane.  I took six more Advil and I've been fine since, minus a cramp here or there.

I was so pissed at the witch doctor that I sent her an email to let her know that she was WRONG about the start of my period.  That a$$ wrote back, and asked me to make an appointment for early next week.  I told her no because I am out of money and can no longer afford her.  She replied that she wouldn't charge for the visit.  I really must have dumb a$$ written on my forehead.  I've already been charged for the visit.  It's included in the FET.  It's the failure chat. Ugh!  I just don't want to see her in person because I'll probably end up in jail.  My Mother would be mortified.

I politely replied, "don't you have children to feed?  You don't need to do charity cases.  Take care."

6 Days Post FET

Ugh...My acupuncture dude kind of knocked the wind out of my sails today.  He said my pulse felt weak and not "big" enough for pregnancy.  He kept telling me stories about women who kept trying and it finally worked.  These little anecdotes didn't make me feel any better.  He went on to poke me with one needle in the top of my head and sent me on my way.

Since that moment, I've been trying to connect with the twins, hoping that they will hear my chant of stick and grow. But I'm not sure..I mean doubt is creeping in more than it has for the past week.  I kind of want to curl up on my new comfy couch, suck my thumb (which I haven't done since I was about seven), and rest.  I can't do that because I have to work to pay off my infertility debts.

I'm not going to sneak a test today because it could quite possibly break me. Instead, I'm focusing on finishing this work day, packing tonight and hopping a plane tomorrow.

I've set up an appointment to get my Beta tested in Florida on Saturday, but I might skip it. I don't know. I'm kind of sad right now.

Here's to hoping my babies are ignoring my poor attitude and sticking and growing...AND that a giant, tasty cookie falls from the sky and into my lap.

#FINISH

4 Days Post FET

I have a picture of the twins on my phone. It's actually my lock screen. I want to show everyone how awesome they are.  Strange, right?!

I am a bit crampy and I'm a bit concerned it's the fibroids talking, but each time that seeps into my mind I chant, "STICK AND GROW!"

I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow. My acupuncture dude totally freaked me out. He said to make sure the washer just scrubs my head.  No massages.  Massages of the shoulders and the like can cause the uterus to contract. OMG!  I have naturally kinky hair so I only get it washed every two weeks, unless I'm in workout mode or swimming (i can't swim. it's more like playing in the water). My scalp needs a good scrubbing and massage.  Now I have to find a tactful way to tell the wash girl to scrub...hard, but no massage, not even when working in the conditioner. "Stick and Grow!"

I'm contemplating just doing it myself. That means it will be clean, but look like something out of a very bad 70s film.  **sigh**

On Thursday, acupuncture dude is going to stick needles in my head to try to calm the uterus.

Friday, I head to Florida.

Saturday, I pee on a stick and try to find a lab to take my blood test.  Afterwards, I'm off to my Bestie's bachelorette party. OMG!  "Stick and Grow!"

2 Days Post FET

It's been two days since the transfer and I have been living like a Queen Bee. I lie around while my husband brings me yummy things:-)  I've gained about a trillion pounds.

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary.  My hubby allowed me to leave the house to have anniversary breakfast with him, then he rushed me back home, and promptly sat me on our new comfy couch. HA!

No major updates on the twins.  I stare at their picture constantly and continue to tell them to Stick and Grow.  My inner lady parts are still a bit sore.  It's not a cramp, just soreness.  My body does not like that speculum thing, that I call a vice.

I return to work tomorrow.  I have the crazy busy schedule which is good.  That keeps my mind from wandering because I can obsess and spiral out of control.

So here's to taking it day by day.

Grow and Stick

Guys, the transfer went well.  The embryos were beautiful and just about every second, I tell them to stick and grow.

Our RE's office asked us to get to the appointment 15 minutes early.  My beyond prompt husband got us there a half hour early.  To our surprise, they took us to the back immediately.  My bladder was filled with about four bottles of water and READY!

When we got to the room, I thought we'd be in there for a while since we were so early, but No.  The ultrasound tech gave my full bladder the thumbs up, the RE came in and started prepping her instruments of torture, while walking me through what I should expect after the transfer.

She told me my mind will play the meanest tricks ever on me, but she said every time it happens, say Stick and Grow.  You best believe I have employed that trick about a million times already.

Within minutes, the room was filled with not just me and hubby, but the ultrasound tech, the RE and the embryologist.  Holy Crap! I met a real, live embryologist and I didn't even get to pick her brain about finding her way to such an amazing job.

Folks this group was top notch...at least I think so.  I've never done this before. But WOW!  Hubby and I were stunned with how fast it all happened.

The ultrasound Tech said to imagine the screen as a golf course, of which we're getting an aerial view.  She said our goal was to get the embryos into the sand trap so they would stick and grow. YESSSS!

Doc was down there applying torture devices to my lady parts.  She explained each step, but I couldn't really focus on that.  I was apparently enjoying my 5mg of valium and the view of the ultrasound.

I should add that this was my first ultrasound where there wasn't an invasive wand involved.  Buut...other things were pulling at my privates.

Doc threaded in the catheter and all the medical professionals let out big sighs and smiles.  As I looked around confused, the ultrasound tech explained that THAT was actually the hardest part for the RE.  Well hell, if that was the hardest moment, things were looking good.

From there, the embryologist went back into a room, and got a stick-looking thing that she swears contained my twins.  She handed them over to Doc, who promptly put them where they belong---with me.

It was actually quite amazing.  The embryos looked like  a burst of light as they landed. So cool!

So in seven days, I'll take a pregnancy test.  I know they are sticking and growing towards a BFP!  I'm talking to them constantly.  I can't let the negative in.  Stick and Grow.

#FINISH

I Know The Lingo

My RE's office emailed me yesterday with the time of my transfer.  We are officially one day away (hooray!!).  Anyway, I promptly texted my husband to let him know it wouldn't interfere with the delivery of a new couch.  The couch was no big deal.  We just didn't know if we'd need to delay the delivery.  Husband sent back the texts below.

I laughed so hard.  He knows the lingo...LOL!



I'm all anxious and excited. I have to tell my Boss today that I won't be in tomorrow. Yikes!  I'm not really scared or nervous about the transfer, which may be due to my acupuncture session. Of course, I still have a full day to get through.


The list of instructions were simple from the RE's office:

1. Arrive 15 minutes before appointment time.
2. Take a valium 30 minutes before the appointment
3. Make sure I have a full bladder, but not so full that I can't hold it for 45 minutes.

Ok...let's talk about number 3.  What the hell does that mean?  LOL!  I don't know how full is too full for my bladder because when I have to go, I generally don't set a timer to see how long I can go before I burst.   Now back to the list...

4. Bring a progesterone suppository to the appointment.


I am slightly confused about this one.  My drug list calls for a morning suppository. I just want them to clarify if I should take one before the appointment or not.  I'm guessing not, but then I don't really want to ram anything else up the ol' private area so soon after folks have been messing with it, ya know? So I'd prefer to take it before the transfer.  I just sent them an email to ask.  I'm sure I'm just over-thinking the situation. Ha!

FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER....HERE I COME!!!

Eh...The Countdown Continues

I am at two days until the transfer.  I feel a bit strange.  It's a mix of calm, sleepy and sad.  I can't really put my finger on it.

Anyway, all the damn pills I'm popping are getting on my nerves.  I have to highlight my list to make sure I'm taking everything at the right time, on the right day.  It really made me sympathize with all the older folks who take pills to live.  I don't know how they do it...well, yes I do.

As for the progesterone suppositories, they are not nearly as bad as I thought.  I could do this for a while. No problem.  Waaay better than a shot.

All that's left on my list now are acupuncture and telling my Boss I need Friday off.  I'm always afraid he's going to ask why.  He never does, but just the idea of it gets under my skin.

Green Toes

Six days until the Transfer!! Woohoo!

I got my toes painted green.  I would post a picture, but I have ugly feet, people.  I don't want to scare anyone.  But let me tell you...I marched into that nail shop positive I would find myself a cute Kelly green.  I did not.  Every green they have is TERRIBLE. I didn't let that stop me.  I chose a darker green for my big toes and a 'torquisey' color for the rest.  It works.

Tonight I will begin the progesterone suppositories.  I'm not sure how this is going to go. I'm hoping it's not as NAS-TAY as I imagine.

I've decided since this is my one and only shot at this, I'm going balls to the walls.  I declare today that I am ALMOST PREGNANT.  YES!!!!!

Pregnant RE Pt.2

I knew my RE was pregnant! I had a pretty good rant about it here.  I asked her once in an email and she skipped over that question.  During our last visit, I noticed she was smaller. Turns out she had a baby girl.  Congrats to her!

I should add that she took off about six weeks, but I didn't care because that was the month I cancelled my transfer.  She still checked email and stuff, which is strange.  Anyway...I call her the witch doctor because of our love/hate relationship.

I'm still kind of mad she didn't say anything about her pregnancy before we started treatment. I would have found someone else.  But who cares, right?  7 days until transfer!!!

Countdown to Transfer

9 Days until my transfer!!  But who's counting?

I won't lie.  I started getting a bit nervous today.  I even thought about calling the doctor to see if we could move up the date.  I had to write out a prayer to calm myself down.  However, I may still schedule an extra acupuncture appointment.

Meantime, I am working on a green plan.  My acupuncture dude says green is my energy color.  Per usual, I kind of laughed at him.  As we get closer to my big day, I realize it can't hurt.  I plan to get a pedicure with green polish this weekend.  (crazy moment here) I've also planned out my transfer outfit. It's a green dress, but that could change. I don't know if I want to squeeze into spanx on that day. (Spanx are fantastic by the way)  Hmmm..I guess I'll bust out my green shirt with the small hole in it. LOL!

#FINISH

Random Things

I have random things floating around my mind right now.

1.  My skin.  People, I am glowing.  My skin is flawless right now, minus my chicken pox marks that I've had since I was 12.  I think it's the Estradiol.

2.  Good Sleep.  The hubby and I just discussed it, and we both agree that unplugging the TV and closing it off in the armoire helps us to sleep better.  A couple of weeks back my acupuncture dude told me to unplug the bedroom TV at night because it doesn't fall in line with Feng Shui.  He believes the TV may help my fibroids grow.  Well, I don't know about all that, but we are sleeping better.  The Hubby thinks it's because closing off the TV area also means we don't see the blinking lights from the modem and the DVR. *shoulder shrug* Doesn't matter to me. I know we'll keep closing that thing because the sleep is FANTASTIC:-)

3.  I'm so excited that it's Friday.  Yay for Friday!!!

#FINISH

Doctor Chat - Friend Chat

Doctor Chat:

This prepping for the Frozen Embryo Transfer has been so uneventful that I had to contact the doctor.

I told her I feel...Normal. I asked if she's sure this stuff is working.  Her response:

"that's awesome!!!

I'm happy about that

not everyone feels normal

most feel just fine

so glad"

Well, I quickly told her that she scares me a little sometimes.  Her optimism and good attitude make me a little too secure.  That's why I get so mad when things don't work out.  Well, I'd be mad regardless.  LOL!

Friend Chat:

An old friend warmed my heart today.  I met this woman when I was about 24-years-old and we don't speak often, but she always finds a way to support me and encourage me.  When my IUI failed, she didn't ask specific questions. She just kept asking how I felt. She didn't want details. She didn't want to make me cry.  She just wanted to make sure that I would survive it, ya know?

I couldn't tell her about the IVF stuff because I feared I'd cry and we only see each other in business settings these days. Today, however, I laid it out for her and SHE nearly cried.  She told me she was happy I was following my dreams and she respects the struggle and my ability to navigate my daily life.  She also told me she prays for me.  She's a good Catholic girl, so I know God is listening :-)

Sometimes, that's all you want to hear. You just want to know that your fertile friends respect the struggle.  It's not something you can just shrug off. No, infertility is not cancer, but it's not a broken finger nail either.

Mental Moment:

I'm dancing a fine line here, people. I am feeling overly confident about this FET, but the six years of negatives and that devastating IUI keep tapping me on the shoulder to keep me in check. 
I'm just going to keep on praying and prepping.

#FINISH

Embryo Rent

My babies are frozen in time at literally five/six days old and they are already attacking my wallet.  I have to pay rent for my embryos.  They aren't even in college yet!  WTF??

I pay $40 a month for their frozen dorm.  I sure wish they would earn a scholarship, call to say hi or something.  This relationship is feeling very one-sided. LOL!

In two weeks, at least two of them will transfer to a new room (haha!).  I sure hope they like the little lining-filled space growing in my uterus for them.  I figure the fibroids will just be their friendly neighbors.  We all have neighbors we think we'll hate, but they end up being just fine.  I hope this will be the case in my reproductive area:-)

Wine Time

I was never much of a wine drinker, but thanks to my husband's quest to add sophistication to my life, I've become a bottom's up kind of girl.  I don't go for anything too fancy.  I prefer sweet, cheap red wines.  Right now, my favorite is a ten dollar bottle of Jam Jar.  It's a sweet Shiraz that rocks my socks.

I went wine tasting. This is totally a joke.  I don't walk the streets like this.

I have been indulging in the ol' Jam Jar by using the excuse that red wine has resveratrol.  Yes, resveratrol. It's an antioxidant found in the skin of red grapes.  In reality, even the biggest wino wouldn't be able to get all of the resveratrol needed to make a difference in their health, from a bottle of wine.  That's why I take it in pill form.

There are studies that show it helps to protect against age-related infertility.  There are also studies claiming it helps the lining of the uterus.  I don't know if it really works, but as always, I'm popping the pill because it certainly can't hurt.  I've been taking it for about three months now, along with a host of other things.

So anyways...on the "trying" front, there's not much going on over here.  I'm waiting once again for my cycle to start, but this time I'm not so impatient.  I'm taking measured steps so I don't get myself all worked up for a meltdown.

I don't know if you can tell, but I went buck wild with the link tool on this post.  I figure it will help in the future when I read this.  I'll have quick access to what the heck was going on in my demented little mind.

I Want My Babies

As each day goes by, I'm starting to regret my decision to delay the transfer.  I want my babies!!  It's obvious that I let my fears, emotions and frustrations with my RE get the best of me.  I have to find a way to talk to her calmly and tell her why we just aren't clicking.

Let me tell you the stream of thoughts that ran through my head during our last appointment.  If you'll remember that's when she said my fibroids were all over.  She went on to perform a water ultrasound that showed they were not intruding on what she calls the baby cavity of the uterus.  Once she finished the ultrasound, she said everything is great.  Proceed with the protocol for the transfer, which means pop the estrogen pills.

Well!  The last time she told me everything was alright, I had a failed IUI.  You see, I'd had some blood work done before the IUI. I kept asking her the results and she said they were fine.  "We'll talk about them after your positive," she said.  I didn't get a positive.  After my negative, she decided to discuss my FSH levels, which were high for a woman my age and were indicative of diminished ovarian reserve or bad egg quality.

Do you see why I couldn't take her word that everything was fine with uterus?  I don't know when she's lying or telling the truth.  I just don't know.  That is why I went into a bit of a tailspin after that ultrasound.

After reluctantly praying every night and talking to my mother and husband, I realize that I will never get the assurance that I need.  No one knows if this will work.  But I swear if it doesn't work and the doctor says something about my fibroids, I won't be able to contain myself.  I may have to kick her.  Not hard...I don't want her to press charges or anything.  Just a good kick for her to get the point:-)

Even though I regret my decision to delay this process, I have to say it's nice not to be on some type of hormone for a minute.  With all of that said, I'm wondering if I really need to go to this specialist.  I'm wondering if it will ultimately be a waste of money, as his office has also managed to frustrate me already.

I called twice to try to make an appointment.  His nurse told me she never received anything from my doctor's office, which I knew was a lie.  I may have serious issues with my doctor, but her staff is top notch.  When they say they will do something, it gets done.  I have never caught them dropping the ball.  However, when this new doctor's nurse said they failed to send my referral, I told her I would email them.  She must have thought they were lazy, like her.  She was stunned when I called back five minutes later because they responded quickly, told me they'd faxed the referral the day before and quickly faxed it again. LOL!  Well, the nurse made up some lie about just seeing the referral right after I hung up.  I asked how come she didn't call back.  She started rambling on about something else. *sigh*

During our conversation, she told me this doctor doesn't perform ultrasounds.  I asked how he would be able to see my fibroids. She told me he performs a pelvic exam and would be able to tell from that.  That was a major flag.  No doctor has ever adequately diagnosed my fibroids without an ultrasound.  I spent years going to the OBGYNs asking them if they were sure I didn't have problems.  They always said nothing is wrong.  All of sudden I get an ultrasound after begging for help and...boom! I've got fibroids everywhere.

Anyway, the nurse quickly gave me an appointment, then called two days later to say she double booked and needed to move mine.  I don't know what to do.  I was never really a fan of doctors before and this experience makes things even worse for me.

I really wish I could just get pregnant the normal way...you know, sex?  

I'm Not Nuts

I'm sure by now you are tired of my highly depressing posts.  I know I am, but my life is what it is.  

So I talked to my RE on the phone yesterday.  I didn't have the guts to scream all of my anger at her because I'm pretty sure that when I am comfortable enough to get a transfer, I will need her help.  However, we did discuss my concerns.

She and my husband thought I planned to quit altogether.  I would never give up on my five em-babies, even though they are only essentially clumps of cells.  I am not quitting.  I just can't pretend that my uterus is rolling out the welcome mat for them, when it really isn't.

The doctor said she discussed my case with a doctor friend of hers.  They both agreed that I don't have fibroids in the "baby cavity," but the doctor friend was concerned that the bevy of fibroids in the other parts of my uterus could cause a baby-threatening early birth.

I am the product of pre-term labor, as is my beloved cousin.  I was born four pounds and spent about a month in the NICU.  In fact, they accidentally let me out early.  To make up for it, they sent a nurse to my house to check on me everyday.  They are certainly lucky that my mother wasn't litigious and only cared about having her baby home and healthy.

My cousin on the other hand, was barely two pounds.  There was no way he could be mistakenly released.  They told my Auntie to prepare for his death.  But he is a fighter and survived.  He spent most of my childhood getting on my last damn nerve:-)  To this day, he goes out of his way to make sure I am ok.  You would think he was the big cousin:-)

Our births are the reason I have to get more questions answered.  I have to know what to expect.  I know no one can predict the outcome, but I have to properly prepare.  Guys, I wasn't prepared for that IUI.  She didn't tell me about my poor egg quality until after it failed.  My hopes were so high that when I got an official negative result, I didn't know...it felt like something died. It was a devastation I wasn't prepared for.  I can't let that happen to me again.  More importantly, I'm not going to put an embryo in my uterus as a little test.  I am not a science experiment, nor are my embryos (ok, maybe we are.)

With all of that said, I plan to go see a doctor who specializes in ovarian cancer.  I do not have cancer and I hope I never have it.  However, his expertise in fighting ovarian cancer makes him a bit of an expert when it comes to fibroids and their possible impact on pregnancy.  We are hoping that he will be able to give an unbiased opinion of what my uterus is capable of doing.

While I am pretty mad at God, I'm still praying every night and hoping for the best.  I'll keep taking my supplements and going to acupuncture.  This will give me a break from those strong hormones and hopefully give my body a chance to return to itself for a moment.  I want to start Insanity cuz I am a bit fat at the moment, but I don't know if I have the balls for that right now.

Back To Normal

I have decided to suspend this IVF ride.  I want to be normal and I want to stop worrying.  I would also like to fit into my pants that loved me before this journey caused me to eat like a starving pig.

My husband is not happy with my decision. I am sorry to disappoint him, but he's not the one juggling dreams of 'success and babies' and then 'failure and suicide.'  The range of emotions I deal with every second has probably sent many folks to a shrink.  Thanks to my expensive ass IVF bill, I can't afford a shrink.  I have to do what I think is best.  I think it's best to bow out.  I wish I would have made this decision before the loan, the IVF and the embryos, but I can't change history. I can only do what I have to do now.

I'm not going to risk putting two embryos in my uterus when there is such strong concern about the fibroids.  It's really upsetting because I kept asking the doctor about this and she kept assuring me everything was OK....until Friday.

I don't know what to do now. I don't want another surgery and I don't want to put my embryos at risk.  So either I will figure this out or I will drink myself into oblivion.  Isn't my life awesome?