Sunday, April 14, 2013

I Want My Babies

As each day goes by, I'm starting to regret my decision to delay the transfer.  I want my babies!!  It's obvious that I let my fears, emotions and frustrations with my RE get the best of me.  I have to find a way to talk to her calmly and tell her why we just aren't clicking.

Let me tell you the stream of thoughts that ran through my head during our last appointment.  If you'll remember that's when she said my fibroids were all over.  She went on to perform a water ultrasound that showed they were not intruding on what she calls the baby cavity of the uterus.  Once she finished the ultrasound, she said everything is great.  Proceed with the protocol for the transfer, which means pop the estrogen pills.

Well!  The last time she told me everything was alright, I had a failed IUI.  You see, I'd had some blood work done before the IUI. I kept asking her the results and she said they were fine.  "We'll talk about them after your positive," she said.  I didn't get a positive.  After my negative, she decided to discuss my FSH levels, which were high for a woman my age and were indicative of diminished ovarian reserve or bad egg quality.

Do you see why I couldn't take her word that everything was fine with uterus?  I don't know when she's lying or telling the truth.  I just don't know.  That is why I went into a bit of a tailspin after that ultrasound.

After reluctantly praying every night and talking to my mother and husband, I realize that I will never get the assurance that I need.  No one knows if this will work.  But I swear if it doesn't work and the doctor says something about my fibroids, I won't be able to contain myself.  I may have to kick her.  Not hard...I don't want her to press charges or anything.  Just a good kick for her to get the point:-)

Even though I regret my decision to delay this process, I have to say it's nice not to be on some type of hormone for a minute.  With all of that said, I'm wondering if I really need to go to this specialist.  I'm wondering if it will ultimately be a waste of money, as his office has also managed to frustrate me already.

I called twice to try to make an appointment.  His nurse told me she never received anything from my doctor's office, which I knew was a lie.  I may have serious issues with my doctor, but her staff is top notch.  When they say they will do something, it gets done.  I have never caught them dropping the ball.  However, when this new doctor's nurse said they failed to send my referral, I told her I would email them.  She must have thought they were lazy, like her.  She was stunned when I called back five minutes later because they responded quickly, told me they'd faxed the referral the day before and quickly faxed it again. LOL!  Well, the nurse made up some lie about just seeing the referral right after I hung up.  I asked how come she didn't call back.  She started rambling on about something else. *sigh*

During our conversation, she told me this doctor doesn't perform ultrasounds.  I asked how he would be able to see my fibroids. She told me he performs a pelvic exam and would be able to tell from that.  That was a major flag.  No doctor has ever adequately diagnosed my fibroids without an ultrasound.  I spent years going to the OBGYNs asking them if they were sure I didn't have problems.  They always said nothing is wrong.  All of sudden I get an ultrasound after begging for help and...boom! I've got fibroids everywhere.

Anyway, the nurse quickly gave me an appointment, then called two days later to say she double booked and needed to move mine.  I don't know what to do.  I was never really a fan of doctors before and this experience makes things even worse for me.

I really wish I could just get pregnant the normal way...you know, sex?  

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