Tuesday, November 20, 2012

It's Normal!

My HSG results are back and they are normal. My tubes are clear and my uterus appears healthy. I should be doing back flips, but I can't. I've never been flexible. So now the question is what's next? I'll tell you what! I need to change my insurance & head to the fertility specialist. I will become a mother in 2013. If I don't, at the end of 2013, I want to be sure that I gave it my all. No more self pity without taking action.

So! I have already made an appointment with a fertility specialist. I even found out the price if my insurance won't cover the visit. Baby, I am ready...at least for this particular visit. I know once treatments actually begin, I will be back on this blog whining, crying and asking the good lord for a donation.

I'm okay because I know what has to be done. I spent the first seven months of 2012 cutting back. I did my own hair, stayed in the house and exercised (ugh!). Guess what? I saved more than I've ever saved in my life.  Once I stopped, my savings account became a bit bulimic. Oops!

I'm ready to do it again, but I'm not sold on the exercise. The husband is currently doing Insanity, which is great for him. He is insane. I am not:-)

The first visit to the specialist will entail a review of my history, which is documented in this blog. Thank goodness! I didn't realize how much I'd forgotten. Also I'll have that horrible vaginal ultrasound and go from there.

I'm hoping we won't need more than an intrauterine insemination (IUI). I feel like I need to focus on what I think will work, instead of what won't. It's obvious my cervix does not play nice with others. I'm hoping that is my only remaining obstacle to having a healthy baby.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Pregnant Man Rant

I can't deal with the "pregnant man." I am all for finding who you really are and doing what you can to be true to who that is, but there are some certainties in life.  One is that women...only women can give birth.  That means this person should not be advertised as a pregnant man. A man can't give birth. Men don't have a uterus, fallopian tubes and an opening willing to allow a big ass head to pass through it.

Every time this woman, dressed as a man, appears on TV to talk about changing the way society thinks, I want to slap her.  If you want to change yourself into a man, do it.  Don't try to have the best of both worlds.  As an infertile woman who is grateful for every feminine attribute and body part that I have, this woman disgusts me.  It's unfair that someone who doesn't like being a woman gets to easily have children, while I sit here and struggle.  If I see her in a magazine, I turn the page.  If she pops up on a TV show, I change the channel.  That doesn't mean that I don't mentally throw darts at a picture of her face in my mind.

I won't even post a picture of this person. I don't want to perpetuate that idea that she is to be commended for her gender bending ways.  I will say it again. IF YOU WANT TO BE A MAN, MAKE THAT CHANGE! BUT  DON'T TELL ME SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE I KNOW A MAN CAN'T GET PREGNANT AND GIVE BIRTH.

If you're wondering what prompted this rant, she was a guest on Anderson Cooper and I couldn't change the channel fast enough.  For those who say what she does is not my business...Yes it is because she is milking this idea of a "pregnant man"to make money and infiltrate my life.

rant complete.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Dye Test: Part 2

What a day!  I'm still shaking off the effects of my HSG.  HSG is short for hysterosalpingogram.  It's basically an x-ray of your uterus and fallopian tubes. The goal is to ensure they're not blocked or disfigured. The doctor inserts dye through your vagina so that those special parts will show up on x-ray.  You can read about my first HSG here. It was a totally different experience from this one.

This HSG ended with toe-curling pain and an outline of my uterus and fallopian tubes forming on a small screen right before my eyes.  The early thought is that my tubes are free of blockage that could prevent pregnancy.  However, I am not free of drama.

I can not tell you how long I was on that table waiting for the doctor to find a way to shoot dye up my cervix. I didn't try to count the minutes and I didn't have a stop watch. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and constantly remind myself to relax through big intakes of breath.

Let me explain why. My cervix is a trip. That's the best way I can describe it. The doctor had a tough time working with it.  I felt like she was twisting, bending and stretching my nether regions in ways no one should imagine.  Despite some intermittent, involuntary shaking, I stayed patient and kept trying to relax. I figured if she wouldn't give up, neither would I.

As I laid there mentally grasping for something positive, it hit me.  God's got this.  I kid you not, a moment later I felt a growing sting.  As it grew, I could see the dye on the x-ray machine spreading and forming the shape of my uterus. There was some discomfort and pain, but nothing to write home about. The real pain kicked in when she told me to turn to the side to see if the dye would fall toward my fallopian tubes. OMG!  The feeling was right up there with some of my toughest cramps. My body instinctively wanted to ball up, which is what I do every month when cramps kick my butt, but I had to work through this. I wasn't sure I would make it, when Dr. P. finally told me I was done (thank goodness!).

Unlike my last HSG, the dye did not fall out before making it to my uterus. However, my cervix is still an issue. I can't really describe this very well, but essentially, the doctor had to stuff the catheter as far up and to the right as she could to get the dye to the right area.

Again, she did not give me a detailed report. She will write that up and have my GYN explain it to me. I'm encouraged that my tubes are not blocked. I'm discouraged that my cervix is all jacked up.  So... my fingers are crossed that this little HSG doesn't cost me an arm and a leg. My toes are crossed in hopes that I'll be pregnant with a healthy baby within the next year.

On a totally different note: I made sure I voted before I went to this appointment. It felt great to walk around with my little sticker.