Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Why Are Folks Mad At The Duggars?

So the Duggars announced they are expecting their 20th child and folks got down right offended and upset.

I am not the biggest fan of the Duggars and their reality show, but I do admire what appears to be their strong sense of family.  I watched their first little reality special back when they had like 15 kids or something like that.  This family has no debt, they don't live beyond their means, they teach their children values and they don't ask for handouts.

I do question if it is healthy for her to have so many children, but it must be because at the moment, she is still alive.  I bet some people thought that since I am of the infertile kind, I would be mad at this family's many blessings, but I'm not.  I'm happy for them.  It's awesome to see someone getting what they want.  They want all of their children, they want their family and they can support them.  So... why are folks so mad at the Duggars? *shoulder shrug*

Oh... and I should add that if I could have 20 kids, I would (and no, I can't afford 20, but I'd take the blessings and make do!)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Just Wondering

Infertility is not like failing a class or trying to win a football game.  Sometimes your body won't do want your heart, mind, money and doctor are trying to persuade it to do.  People who have never been through it, don't realize that apart from the expensive cost of trying to get pregnant, you are putting your own health at risk.

Someone I love very dearly tried to dish a dose of tough love to me over this issue.  She didn't realize how much she hurt me and when I tried to explain, she told me I needed to see a psychiatrist.  I can't begin to describe how much I cried over the fact that the one person in the world who I thought would always be compassionate towards me, pulled that little card out of the box.

There is nothing wrong with seeing a psychiatrist.  However, it all started with talk of adoption.  This person slammed adoption saying people she knew ended up with sick kids, who drained them financially. I tried to explain that it's mean to slam the only option that may be available to me at some point.  From there, the conversation all spiraled out of control and landed on the "psychiatrist box."

I don't need to see a psychiatrist over my infertility. I won't let anyone try to tell me that something is wrong with me for being sad over it.  Hell, people cry over not being able to get the car they want.   I think that's a little more ridiculous than crying when your dream of a child is crushed.

That conversation made me realize that maybe I need to see a psychiatrist over my relationship with her.  She's my mother and I can't live without her, but for the first time in my life, I don't know how to deal with her.  The conversation hurt me that badly.  I talk to my mother every single day (no it's not always about infertility and babies) and at this moment, I don't know how to talk to her.

I'm just wondering if the wound is still too fresh or if it will only get worse?

Disney is the place where dreams and wishes come true. I wish that conversation hadn't happened.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Time To Look Up

Soooo... another month has passed WITHOUT me getting pregnant.  I have given myself plenty of time to be pissed, sad and depressed. While I am not completely out of the cycle of despair at the moment, I must begin looking up... again.

Right now, the only thing making me smile when I'm away from my hubby, is chocolate.  So have a good look at the huge chocolate bar that I INHALED.  I hope it makes you smile or inspires you to find something to smile about too:-)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Good Ol' Cry

I had myself a nice cry today.  My period is due in two days and I KNOW it is coming, but I still couldn't fight the urge to take a pregnancy test today.  As usual, it delivered a swift "not pregnant" and I produced a steady flow of tears.

*sigh* I know it was dumb to take the test, but I was hoping for a pleasant surprise.  Every person on Facebook seems to be pregnant, my co-worker is getting more pregnant by the day... and... I... just don't have the words for the sadness I feel.

My mother visited this weekend and reminded me of ALL the blessings in my life.  She told me not to rush God or get angry with him because I don't have a baby yet. I understood her message, but I'm human. It hurts not to get what you want when you want it, especially when you've been wanting it for what feels like your entire life.

With each passing month and each Aunt Flo, it becomes more clear that my surgery was not the miracle I'd hoped for. I'll have to do some more work or I may have to accept that fact that I'll never have children of my own. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? Do you know how much that hurts?

Oh well... onward and upward. I can't let this kill me because it has already broken me. 

Since I've probably depressed the heck out of you, I figured I'd leave you with a beautiful flower.  It certainly made me smile. I hope it does the same for you as well.

The hubby gave me white roses just because:-)