Thursday, June 9, 2011

Still Living & Learning

I waited all of this time to get my chance to ttc (trying to conceive) again.  I've tossed and turned and even panicked over it. looks like ttcing will be delayed!  The hubby is sick just in time for my fertile period:-(

The poor thing has a cough, a fever and generally feels like crap. Instead of me saying get better, I said, "oh no! No baby making for me." Being the sweetheart that he is, he tried to assure me that he would heal himself enough to give it a shot. 

It's so funny how the Lord works. After a feeling of confusion and desperation, I decided to find the lesson in this. I truly believe it is God's way of telling me to calm down and take it easy, which is funny because that's what my mom has been telling me to do. 

Sometimes it feels like I don't have time for patience. I want to get pregnant so badly. I want a baby so badly and I don't want to give my fibroids a chance to grow back. I mean...I pray every night for a healthy, fibroid-free uterus with unclogged Fallopian tubes and egg-gushing ovaries.  

BUT I need to focus on who I do have and He is my fantastic husband. Unfortunately, a couple of days ago, I only viewed him as sperm. Lol! Before my revelation, I was ready to write a blog bashing my mom and Both told me in some way to stop obsessing over getting pregnant.  I was furious and tired of people and websites making it seem like relaxation was my problem.  Now I see I was on the brink of driving myself nuts. 

I'm back, I'm fine. I'm going to buy a fertility monitor and move on.  My baby (or the cosmos) obviously doesn't want to be born in March so he/she is waiting for a later conception date. 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it:-)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Give Me Five!

My husband and I will celebrate our five year anniversary in just days. Can you believe it? I can't believe the man is still here. On top of being difficult, insecure, spoiled and inconsiderate, I've been unsuccessful in my attempts to give him a child.  BUT despite all my flaws, which outnumber the above list, he loves me and he is my sunshine when I'm in a dark place. 

This blog is dedicated to my quest to become a mother and my failure thus far, but my journey would be far worse without him. He always finds a way to smile...genuinely. Sometimes I think he is optimistic to a fault, but I'm definitely pessimistic to a fault. So, at the risk of sounding corny, I'll just say it-- he lifts me up. 

My only hope is regardless of what the next five years bring--children or more dogs---that I can be a better wife to him. It can be difficult for me to overcome myself.  Slowly (and I mean very slowly) but surely, I think I'm getting there. 

As we continue on our journey, I know one thing for sure. No matter what happens tomorrow, I will always be thankful for every way he has helped me to spread my wings. From exploring the world (ok..a few states), making new friends and achieving my goals, he really has made me a better person.

I love him so much:-)

Happy Anniversary, DjRass!

Coffee Crisis

It's one day before my period is due and I am hoping for a miracle.  I want it to be late--like nine months late, but I know that won't happen.  We were careful not to be "irresponsible" before my three month recovery period.  That means that even though my fertile period was sometime around May 17th and the three month mark was just 8 days later, we did not take any chances. I sit hear daydreaming about a baby bump and thanking God for my coffee, guess what passes across my twitter timeline? An article from Time magazine warning that too much coffee could delay/prevent pregnancy.

Yes, I knew this already, but dang!  This article says caffeine can keep your fallopian tubes from properly contracting and helping that egg drop into the baby cooker. Ugh!

Coffee is my biggest vice.  I've pretty much cut soda out of my life.  Now that I think about it, I only drink coffee and water.  Most of the time, it's one cup of coffee a day (a grande starbucks).  But it looks like I may have to cut it out completely.  Man!  I'll work on it.  I'll work on it.

It just seems like when you're struggling to have a baby, everything you do IS WRONG.  Worrying is wrong, what you eat is wrong...heck YOUR LIFE IS WRONG.  Sometimes it's just a bit a more than I can handle. 

Oh well.  The good news is that once this new cycle begins, I get to try again.  While that will bring it's own ups and downs, at least I get to make an attempt.  My Momma always says, "nothing beats a try, but a fail." 

I'll keep fighting.  It would hurt more to die childless knowing I didn't give it a good try...I guess.