Tuesday, March 22, 2016

What I Want

Infertility continues to beat the entire shit out of me. She is the worse abuser. Not only are her kicks and punches indescribably painful, but they’re well placed. I know they’re there. I feel the impact, but none of it is visible to the naked eye.

I just wish I had one friend, one family member who could or would hold my hand and let me cry. I don’t want to hear I’m sorry. I just want someone to say, “Fuck this shit. Fuck infertility. Let’s go drink and pout.” I want them to be angry with me and okay with my anger. I know that’s a lot to ask of people. We always want to make others feel better. I’m guilty of it too.

It looks as if we have finally diagnosed my infertility: fibroids, endometriosis and bad tubes. Perhaps I would have become a mother, if I had caught the tube thing earlier. It doesn’t matter now because to top it off, my eggs aged prematurely.

I thought I didn’t have anymore tears to give this, but here I sit. Crying. It’s ugly. It’s a tear-stained, puffy, snot-falling cry. I know this is not a punishment from God, but it certainly feels like it. This certainly feels like more than I was ever meant to bear. How does one find authentic joy when their body has betrayed them so?

The answer to that question doesn't matter anymore. This long, dramatic, ridiculous chapter of my life is over. I'd like to say that I finally have the strength to walk away, but that's not the truth. I'm just out of weapons. I'm defeated. It's not the way I wanted it to end, but at least I can say I fought - no matter how un-valiantly - I definitely fought...to a fault and likely to my detriment.


  1. Fuck this shit. Fuck infertility. If you were anywhere close to me (are you? I don't think so...) I'd be at your house in a flash to take you out so we could drink and pout. I hate that you don't have anyone in your real life to share this with. And I hate to think you're at the end of your road, but I'm not going to shower you with "don't give up"s because you're the only one who can say when you've had enough. And if that's now, it's now. It takes a motherfucking ton of courage to say that, and I admire you greatly for it, while crying with you at the same time.

  2. I hate this for you. It sucks. I would totally drink and pout with you because infertility is the worst. I totally understand saying you've had enough, it's over. I'm sorry it's come to that, and I'm still thinking of you.

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  4. i"m just reading this now (4 months later). I hope you're doing well, and that you won't abandon this blog.

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  6. Hello, I am an African American woman and I am writing a book about infertility in black women. Like you, I have experienced IVF and fibroids and a host of issues. The book is meant to help women like us and encourage those who are afraid to get help. I would like to interview you for the book and you won't have to give your name, you can use your blog handle if you prefer. I know this is a sensitive issue and I won't publish anything you don't agree with. Would you be willing to do an interview? Is there a way I could speak to you directly?

    1. Hi. Thanks for the interest, but I respectfully decline your offer. This will sound crass, but if anyone is going to profit monetarily from my sorrow, I think it should be me.

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