Tuesday, September 3, 2013

It Ain't Over

I got a new job.  I'm going to the competitor of my old employer.  So!  My old boss walked me out, after I handed in my two week notice. That means I'm sitting in the house chilling until my new job begins.

That gives me lots of time to think about my infertility, my shrink and my embryos.  You're probably wondering how and where my husband fits into all of this.  Well, he's omnipresent in all of those things.

Anyway back to my soap opera entitled, "As The Infertility Turns."

Before the show begins, we should have a recap of the past.  

The long-suffering and hard-working infertile, Erika failed in her IVF attempt.  She spiraled into a strange depression, took too many pills, went to a shrink and is now on the road to recovery?

Now onto the new episode.

After weeks of visiting a shrink, crying and spilling her guts, Erika's not-so-secret cloud of anger has dissipated.  Instead of nearly killing herself trying to get over her desire for children, she's embracing it.  (some may consider that dumb.  It's kind of like the crackhead embracing the desire for crack? Whatever!)

Erika has come to terms with the fact that she will return to the infertility world at some point because she has three embryos and she's tired of paying for their frozen dorm.

Alright, I'm dropping the third person. It's strange.

I've decided that at some point, I will transfer the three remaining embryos.  This time it's not with the hope of having children.  It's to be done with the entire situation.  It will probably be a year before I do it because I'm starting a new job.  I need to concentrate 110% on that.  An FET wouldn't allow for that.

Anyway I've decided that it will kind of be like an infertile version of 'Survivor.'

Can my three girls survive that mine field that is my body?

I won't deny my desire for children because that was part of my mental break.  I have to just deal with the desire and the sadness it brings.  It's not bad and I can still smile.  I can still cry over it and it's not the end of the world.

Now back to, "As The Infertility Turns!"

Erika must now tuck her tail between her legs (I've been hanging with my dog too much.  I'm starting to mimic her), and go back to the witch doctor.  Erika needs a Pap smear and doesn't want to deal with a gynecologist and answering all of those questions about her troubled lady parts.  The witch doctor already knows about them.  Erika's insurance likely won't cover the visit, but Erika is willing to pay just to avoid telling another soul about this tricky infertility journey.


  1. I would be the same way, I wouldn't be able to move on until I either used up the embryos or donated them or closed that door somehow. Also...I don't quite know how to say this (I would email you but I don't have your address) but my blog reader showed the first paragraph of the post you put up earlier today but then took down. If you want to talk, email me: infertilesmurf at gmail. You're too awesome for me to have to worry about you. :)

    1. I got all fancy and emailed you :-) Those embryos....I just can't reach peace because of them. I was ready to talk to a new doc about a FET, then I got a new job

  2. Haven't been here in awhile and thought I would check in. Sounds like lots of things are changing in your world. I agree with both of you. If indeed we had embryos I would need to do something with them to fuly move on. A big eff you to infertility tonight. Thinking of you Rass!

  3. I hope your new job provides a positive change. I am still grappling with the embryo question, I cant seem to bring myself to call the new clinic to see what it would take to move them. This shit sucks, but I hope you find some peace with your plan. Maybe the year off will help.