My shrink told me I don't know how to handle pain and sadness.
I was like, "Whaaaaat?"
She says you have to teach yourself. It's kind of like learning to hold your breath under water for as long as you can, until your defense mechanisms kick in and propel you back to the surface.
I was like "Huh?"
Who WANTS the ability to deal with sadness? Shouldn't you do all you can to make it go away immediately? You smile, push away the pain and sadness, and eliminate all reminders of it. And Bam! Things are right with the world again.
Anyway, the shrink's words tumbled around in my brain all day. I realized that whatever she paid for her degrees, may have helped her stump me on this one. HA!
I couldn't push away the pain of my FET failure and I couldn't get rid of all the reminders. When I failed at the "make-myself-ok" mission I'd successfully completed so many times in the past, I snapped. I lost all control and tried to make myself disappear because I was the reminder of the pain.
"What does crying get you? Nothing!"
That's what my Mother used to tell me. It was my motto for a long time. As I
got older, I allowed myself to cry more, but I viewed it as a growing weakness.
I mean...I guess what I'm trying to say is sadness is a weakness to me. That's why I tried so hard to quickly get over my FET, but all of my attempts failed miserably.
I still don't understand how one learns to handle sadness and pain, without being just a sad person to be around. I guess I have to work to understand that, but I did realize that my ideas about sadness are the real weakness. I hope to correct it in the future.
I don't know what's next for me, but as usual, I hope it includes weight loss:-)