Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I'm on day 43 of this cycle.  My blood test came back negative for pregnancy.  Now, I'm waiting for the thyroid results.  I haven't started taking the progesterone yet.  For some reason, I began liking the idea of never having a period again.  I found myself thinking, "Why mess up this good thing?"

My big question is and always will be when does one wave the white flag?  When do you know for sure that it is time to give up?  I came to the conclusion that this may indeed be it.  My body may be trying to make my heart and mind accept this difficult reality.  I don't know.

I keep reading about women who never give up and finally get their child, but I've also read about the ones who never succeed.  You can only be one or the other.   Even with the insurance, I don't have the money to comfortably keep trying.  I'm still paying back the loan from the last IVF and all I have to show for it is a very changed personality and sense of being.

I'm 33.  I'll be 34 this year.  I've been married since I was 25 years old, which is a very fertile age.  At this point, it feels like I'm trying to go for a win more than trying to have a baby.  This whole process has made me feel like such a loser.  I really hate losing.  This has become the biggest challenge of my life, as well as the biggest failure.  It's something I can't hide.  I will always be without child and the reason will always be that I couldn't beat this.  Whatever...

I'm going over things in my head and the more I think, the more I believe that I'm not going for this second egg retrieval.  Not right now.  My thoughts are becoming increasing dark again. I'm just not sure.

Anyway, this post is terrible and sad.  So, I will leave you with a fun pic of my puppy-kids (they look so gangsta, right?).  Despite Roxie's apprehension about Wally when we first brought him home, they are best buddies now.  It's quite hilarious.  Just yesterday, Roxie taught Wally how to run underneath the bed, which is not good for me at all:-)


  1. Waving the white flag is definitely a hard pill to swallow. I'm not sure how far I was willing to go, but I knew I would go until I couldn't anymore, financially. Emotionally, I just tried to focus on the end result, because the process was just too hard, so as much as possible, i tried to keep it cerebral. I was lucky to get pregnant after my 2nd IVF with a FET, but before then, i was planning on my 3rd cycle, how to finance it, and even trying out of state if necessary. You are right, some will succeed and some won't, at the end of the day, its all about what you can take/cope with financially and emotionally. Good luck, i'm rooting for you!