Friday, May 10, 2013

Mother's Day, Smother's Day

I don't want to be that chick.  I don't want to whine about Mother's Day, but I am that chick.  I thought I was ok, but I'm not.

I have my Mother and I am so thankful.  She's even flying to see me on HER special day. I try to focus on the fact that this is a time when I should only think of honoring her, our journey and our bond.  But I saw something today that reminded me of what I don't have and what I'll never have.

No matter what I do, I'll never know what it feels like to take a carefree pee on a stick and watch as a magical line announces a wonderful miracle.  I'll never know what it feels like to tell the world I am expecting, without silently praying I'm not the butt of God's joke.

I'm not freaking out or quitting.  I'll continue taking my meds in preparation for my FET.  *sigh* But even that causes anxiety.  After all, there is no guarantee.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm sure most murder victims are positive they'll survive, until they don't.

On a happier note:  You know how I cleaned out my savings and took out a loan for this IVF thing?  Well, my car decided to act up on me and I was thinking, "Oh Shit!"  I have not a dime to fix it or replace it.  It turns out, my car had a loose bolt. It was a quick fix. Hallelujah!  ***spirit fingers***  I can move forward with my FET, without wishing it would transform into a form of transportation:-)

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