I don't want to be that chick. I don't want to whine about Mother's Day, but I am that chick. I thought I was ok, but I'm not.
I have my Mother and I am so thankful. She's even flying to see me on HER special day. I try to focus on the fact that this is a time when I should only think of honoring her, our journey and our bond. But I saw something today that reminded me of what I don't have and what I'll never have.
No matter what I do, I'll never know what it feels like to take a carefree pee on a stick and watch as a magical line announces a wonderful miracle. I'll never know what it feels like to tell the world I am expecting, without silently praying I'm not the butt of God's joke.
I'm not freaking out or quitting. I'll continue taking my meds in preparation for my FET. *sigh* But even that causes anxiety. After all, there is no guarantee. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm sure most murder victims are positive they'll survive, until they don't.
On a happier note: You know how I cleaned out my savings and took out a loan for this IVF thing? Well, my car decided to act up on me and I was thinking, "Oh Shit!" I have not a dime to fix it or replace it. It turns out, my car had a loose bolt. It was a quick fix. Hallelujah! ***spirit fingers*** I can move forward with my FET, without wishing it would transform into a form of transportation:-)
I have my Mother and I am so thankful. She's even flying to see me on HER special day. I try to focus on the fact that this is a time when I should only think of honoring her, our journey and our bond. But I saw something today that reminded me of what I don't have and what I'll never have.
No matter what I do, I'll never know what it feels like to take a carefree pee on a stick and watch as a magical line announces a wonderful miracle. I'll never know what it feels like to tell the world I am expecting, without silently praying I'm not the butt of God's joke.
I'm not freaking out or quitting. I'll continue taking my meds in preparation for my FET. *sigh* But even that causes anxiety. After all, there is no guarantee. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm sure most murder victims are positive they'll survive, until they don't.
On a happier note: You know how I cleaned out my savings and took out a loan for this IVF thing? Well, my car decided to act up on me and I was thinking, "Oh Shit!" I have not a dime to fix it or replace it. It turns out, my car had a loose bolt. It was a quick fix. Hallelujah! ***spirit fingers*** I can move forward with my FET, without wishing it would transform into a form of transportation:-)
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