Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The End

I called the doctor's office today and settled my account.  I am officially done.  I guess I won't really have much to write about now.  Of course, I still have to pay rent for my remaining three embryos, but that's cool.  They are the closest things I'll ever have to children.

My doctor sent me a link to a local therapist.  I considered going, but then realized I'd prefer to spend the money on something more fun, like an overpriced, designer purse or watch.  I really don't know what to do.

I know that I am sad.  The only time I don't feel sad is when I get busy at work.  If I wasn't such a chicken, I'd shave my hair and just walk.  I'd leave everything behind and just walk.  But like I said, I'm too scared to essentially be a drifter.  It's not exactly safe.

The last time I felt this awful was when China, my beloved pup, died in 2009.  I'd had her since I was 13 and she was nearly 17 years old when she passed.  I muted the pain by getting a new puppy to distract me.  I don't want a new puppy or a new anything right now.  I don't really know how to make this go away.

I ran up my credit card over the weekend. It was fun while I was shopping.  Now it just feels stupid.  All of my normal tools aren't working.  I'm going to visit my parents next month, so maybe that will help.

Have I mentioned I'm fat?  I gained ten pounds in six months.  Well, more like three.  I've just been holding steady since then.  I packed on those pounds like a first year college student.  I guess I'll stop complaining about it and start working out.  I actually have a plan, but I won't put it in writing, until I actually start it and make some progress:-)


  1. I am so sorry that you are sad. This infertility stuff is a bitch. I guess that slowly bit by bit things will start to come together. I hope this isn't the end of your blog; I am looking forward to hearing about your plan.

  2. I'm sorry that you feel crappy right now!

  3. This absolutely sucks. I've been there and it's so hard to haul yourself out. As much fun as it is to treat yourself to some pretty new things, in the end that won't fix anything and the bills only make things worse. Hopefully you can find someone to talk to (even just a friend, not necessarily a therapist) and get some of the bad feelings out. *hugs*

  4. What a hard decision to make. We are nearing the end as well and I cannot imagine making that final decision. That must have been really tough.

    It really sucks to not have any way to cope or feel better about this. I often think how am I supposed to move on from this? How am I suppose to live normally?

    Infertility robs us of so much joy and happiness. It is confusing beyond words. I just wish no one would have to make a choice to have a child based on this.

    I am thinking of you and if you ever need anything I am here to listen. <3