Wednesday, March 14, 2012

One Year

It's been a little more than a year since my surgery.  My period still comes and I'm still not pregnant.  The list below sums up my life right now.


1. Fake smiles: I went to a baby shower filled with pregnant women and smiled my way through answers about not wanting children.

2. Fake strength: I made an appointment to go see a new doctor then cancelled because I just couldn't handle it.

3. Broken heart: I can barely hold conversations with family I once held dear. I fear they are either judging me or pity me.

Update:

So yeah... I wrote that depressing little note on day one of my new cycle. If you are in this little infertility predicament, you know that the first day is the worst day. However, I was honest about the fake strength. I try so hard to be strong, but I am truly scared.

One year ago, when I started writing down my ridiculous emotions, I hadn't seen many stories of black couples struggling to have a child. I have since found some wonderful resources, including a site called Broken Brown Egg.  The author is so caring and finds the right words to say.  BUT the hope I had during March of last year is GONE. The fibroids obviously were not keeping me from getting pregnant. I just don't know what is.

Let's be honest, doctors use each of us as guinea pigs. That's nothing against them.  I mean...it's the only way to figure out what's going on. With that said, I just don't know if I can deal with the guesses, the misdiagnosis and the loss of funds. I want a baby with every fiber of my being, but I can't dedicate my body and life to this. 

I've already changed so much. I cringe when I have to be around my friends with children. I cringe when I choose to lie about or reveal my infertility to people who love to ask, "when are you going to have children?"

My mother told me she's still very willing to spend her last dime to help me when I decide to give "trying" another try. I told her I didn't need her money. I reminded her that this is a subject we can no  longer speak to each other about.

My mother raised me to be tough. My father taught me to smile when all else fails, but it's getting harder and harder to fake it. I really wish I could blame God, but he has given me just about everything I asked for and need last March (that includes a full-time job).  The only wish that hasn't been granted, is a child. I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know.

4 comments:

  1. My goodness. I really empathize very strongly with you. And you know what? its okay that you feel this way. I probably would also. I'm going to a bachelorette party this weekend and I too do the fake smile thing when it comes to weddings, engagements, bridal showers and get constantly asked "so are you seeing anyone?" and "when are you going to get married"? I constantly pray for God to help my husband find me and that I am able to become a mom. This isn't quite the same situation, but I imagine its what I feel magnified...so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I don't have any words to say to help you feel better but I did say a prayer for you.

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    1. Ebony, thank you. I always appreciate your positivity and compassion. ...And yes, it is very similar to being questioned about marriage and significant others. It really is.

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  2. Hello, I can certainly relate to you... I am 34 and had a robotic myomectomy on January last year, and I get depressed every time my period comes, and when family and friends ever mention the baby topic since we've been TTC for 5 years. But deep inside, we never gave up hope and my husband and I just enjoyed our time with each other. The plan is to see the OB to try for IUI on Feb, then IVF if it doesn't work, then adoption as our last resort. But, exactly one year after the surgery, I got pregnant naturally! I made sure to use the digital OV kit since it was a day or two more accurate than the regular one, and adjusted our timing to the day the reading becomes positive and the day after that. It worked! So, please hang in there and don't give up. Someday your prayers will be answered.

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    1. Thanks, Mitchiegurl. I hope you are right... and CONGRATS on the new addition:-)

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