Friday, October 19, 2012

Decisions Decisions

I took a step back and stopped blogging and thinking about infertility.  I was wearing myself out! But unfortunately on top of being infertile, I am a hypochondriac. I hadn't been to the doctor for my yearly visit in more than a year. I started to fear that I'd developed more fibroids or some other terrible condition (yes..I'm a drama queen).  I bit the bullet, opened up google and searched for a gynecologist in my area.

I decided that for this visit, I would not talk about babies. I just wanted to get checked and go.  But this Doctor looked at my history and hit me with the hard questions. "What's next for you?" "Do you have siblings (when you're an only child, infertility hurts just a little bit more--I think)?" "Does your husband want children?" "Does your mama want grandchildren?" "Do you get sad?"

What the hell?!!  She was so smooth and fast about it that I was choking back tears before I knew it. I'm so used to the doctors kind of glossing over things, that I hadn't properly prepared myself for this.

She really didn't give me a chance to do my normal..."it's no big deal"speech.  Without ever getting an absolute YES from me, she hit me with pre-natal pills, an order for an HSG (the dye test to check my tubes) and two cards for local infertility specialists in the area.

Before she left, she told me that I needed to hold a baby...MY BABY...and it could happen.  So...just like that, I'm back in this. I was so verklempt that I couldn't tell her that I don't have the emotional strength to deal with this.  I can't spend the next eight years getting probed, prodded, injected and drugged up.

When it comes to my infertility there are two theories warring in the my mind:

1. A baby just isn't in God's plan for you.

2. To believe #1 is using God as a way to accept failure and give up.

With all of that said, the stuff she gave me is sitting on my dresser taunting me waiting for me.  I haven't made a decision. If I go forward, it will mean that I have accepted hope.  There is a funny thing about hope that no one ever wants to talk about. It's a gift and a curse.  If you hold on to it too long you're just plain delusional, but if you realize your hope won't lead to what you want, it could destroy you.  Hope has killed many a people, but like I said, no one wants to talk about it.

Soooo...I guess it's babies or bust?  I'll let you know if I'm brave enough to jump back in.


  1. Oh my goodness, I'm crying over here lady! The statement she made about you holding 'your baby' is so touching.

    Your doctor sounds like a clever, marvelous woman. I wholeheartedly wish you all the best for whatever you decide. It is a massive decision to make as going through the possible emotional pain again after you have dealt/come to terms with it in your own way is truly a brave thing but could be worth it. Maybe this doctor is the right doctor to help you reach your ultimate goal x