Friday, December 20, 2013

3 Days Post Transfer

I am preparing myself for a negative, per usual.  I'm hoping that the pain won't hurt as much as last time.  As you may know, I am three days post 5 day transfer.

Let me tell you what I did differently from my last transfer.
1.  I didn't take any vitamins
2.  I didn't do any acupuncture
3.  I frequent a shrink
4.  I didn't follow doctors orders after the transfer.  I stayed home one day, not two
4.  I didn't take pre-natal pills.

You are probably scratching your heads and saying I totally deserve a negative.  You know what?  You're right.  I rebelled.  I did everything that was asked of me the last time.  I mean everything. I didn't miss a pill, appointment or supplement.  Guess what?  I didn't even get a low beta.  I got no beta. It was a complete failure.

I went into this particular cycle armed with new insurance that offset the cost of this mess.  My goal was to humanely dispose of my remaining embryos.  Unlike last time, I did not look at the monitor as the doctor shot my embryos into my combative uterus.  When she handed me the picture of my embryos, I passed it straight to my husband.  I didn't even glance.  Doc and I weren't jovial like we were in the past.  Sure, she joked about me getting on her nerves when I tried to cancel the cycle, but it wasn't happy joking.  It was passive aggression on both of our parts.  It was still funny though.

But when it was over, I knew that I cared more than I wanted to.  I realized this is all really going to hurt badly.  So I am three days post transfer.  For a normal woman, the embryos would have hatched by now and started implanting.  That's not happening here.  I have been cramping since before the transfer.  All symptoms I feel are from the progesterone.  While the doctor swears my embryos are great, I don't believe her. I compared them to pictures on the Internet and they just don't look as good. I don't care what their grades are.

The husband says when this cycle is done, he wants to do another egg retrieval.  I just don't know.  I'm starting to wonder if I just can't carry.  My next option is to have a another fibroid-removal surgery, but I can't.  Elective surgeries just aren't for me.  It's such a risk and there are no guarantees.  I know this because I've already had a surgery and I still don't have a child.  I have a puppy, but I don't have a child.

Now I'm starting to wonder if I really want a baby or if I want one because I can't have one.


  1. When I decided to stop using birth control (we won't get into the complete waste of money that was spent on THAT over the past 10 years...) I had an overwhelming freak out. Were we ready? Did we have enough money? Would my husband be an active father? Would his parents/family be over all the time? Each month I panicked and then was relieved when I had another month to think about it again. And then when time kept passing and I found out this wasn't going to be something that we could just do on our own, I was desperate to do anything. There is so much truth in wanting what you can't have. Hang in there and hopefully, for once, doing everything "wrong" will turn out to be right for you!!

    1. Thank you for understanding. Infertility is crazy!

  2. I totally understand about doing everything "wrong". Ever since our last retrieval I've not been bothering to take any vitamins or prenatals, because it just reminds me of what I don't have and I feel like such a fraud. Why take them if there's no point? I think some people would probably say I don't "deserve" to be pregnant either if I'm not doing everything I can, but at some point you need to save your sanity. Those people can go screw themselves. There's no reason we shouldn't be allowed to have this happen for us too without having to change our entire lives. I'm still holding out hope for you and the Rotties.

  3. Yes, Aramis! It just felt like I needed "something" out of this to keep me sane. Of course, now I feel guilty. I'm so lame:-)

  4. Somehow I kind of know how that feels. During one of my off months, I didn't do anything that I was supposed to do. In my head, I was thinking what was the point of doing anything of this if it makes no difference. But I'm happy for you that there IS still a chance and let's see if this time the embies are going to stick. Thinking very good thoughts for you. :)

    1. Just don't be nuts like me and rebel and the worst possible time. *sigh*