Saturday, May 28, 2011

Here We Go Again

It's starting again--my obsession. Last night I had a bit of a belly ache. As I tried to figure out what caused it, guess what creeped into my mind? Pregnancy...yes, pregnancy. I thought about it all. night.long. 

I didn't realize that one of the blessings of my surgery was peace of mind. I couldn't worry about the possibility of pregnancy because I knew it couldn't happen.

But now, my three months are over and my imagination can run wild again. I have to be honest, linking last night's belly ache to possible pregnancy was pretty irrational.  I am likely going to drive myself nuts...more nuts than I already am.  

I have to somehow keep my focus off reproduction, yet on it-- and I really don't know how I'll do it. (I'm tearing up as I write this) I really don't want this to consume me again. I was feeling sooo good and positive.  Now I'm getting scared and depressed again. Nothing makes me feel worse than losing or failure. I am a master at avoiding things that could lead me to those two evils. But this...this I can't seem to shake and it is truly shaking me. 

I'll fight it though. I refuse to let it consume me. I've got bigger things to worry about, like getting a permanent job so I can buy myself a $175 pair of Tori Burch shoes. 

What's the lesson in this? When the important things become too much to bear, focus on something dumb--and cute-- to get you through it:-)

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