I Want....

I want a freakin' baby, damn it.  I should also add that I've had two glasses of wine tonight.  Whatevs!!!!!

The Cost

So for the first six years of my marriage I knew I couldn't have babies, but I didn't know why.  Now, I may know why.  As I've mentioned before, I have poor ovarian reserve. My FSH levels are high. I can't remember the exact number right now.  It may be something like 11.

Initially I thought that if I knew why I couldn't have children, it would give me peace.  Turns out I was wrong. I have been an emotional basket case.  Listen to me carefully: ignorance is bliss and don't let anyone tell you differently!  

The most aggressive treatment I can get is IVF.  I am really hoping I won't have to turn to it. Ugh!  I am hoping that I can produce one good egg that will find one good sperm in my next round of IUI.  

I just can't believe I'm supposed to deal with this much.  I've never been an extremely strong person.  I do what I was taught to do.  I get up in the morning, go to work, repress all urges to commit a violent crime, return home and sleep. I don't bother anyone, I don't try to change them.  I just try to make my way through life unnoticed.  So I don't know why I have been presented with such a challenge.

With all of that said, I've been trying to prepare for my worst case scenario/IVF.  I called the doctor's office to find out if it offers financing.  They work with some program called ARC fertility.  I contacted them to get the lowdown.  In the end it sounds like a bad insurance situation.  Basically to get the best monetary deal, you need to fail every single round of IVF.  Isn't that horrible?  I guess that's what happens when you don't have the money to pay out of pocket.  Here's just a sample of their plan.

3 rounds fresh IVF & 3 rounds frozen IVF (that's six total): $26, 989.20

They'll loan you this amount at an interest rate of 3.9% to 19.9% and you can pay it off in 24 to 84 months.

You can apply for a refund pkg that will be thousands of dollars, but they won't give you an exact amount until the actuary calculates your risk assessment.  But let's say it's an additional $5,000.  So if you fail all six rounds, I believe you'll get about $15,000 back.  (Don't quote me on this just yet.)

How does this impact me?

I have a poor ovarian reserve.  That means I have more bad eggs than good.  I have 18 follicles.  If the doctor is able to get all 18 of them to produce an egg for that cycle of IVF, she would only expect to have three viable eggs at the most.  Now you have to calculate the chance that all three will fertilize properly. Basically, the chances of me having anything left over to freeze is slim.  ARC says if I don't have any frozen embryos for the frozen IVF (or FET: frozen egg transfer ), I just forfeit those procedures.  Say what?

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant the first time and deliver a healthy child, I do not get a refund on the other five procedures in the package.  I just paid $26, 989.20 for a procedure that should be about $10,000

Also, that 26 grand does not include the medications that I will need, nor will it cover any genetic testing my doctor may want to preform to make sure she is putting the best possible embryo in my womb.

I hope this all makes sense to you. I'm not sure it makes sense to me, which is why I may be confusing you.

My insurance only covers the diagnosis of your infertility. It will not cover anything to get you pregnant.

This ARC situation seems rather shady, but I'm not above using it if I get desperate enough.  (I know.  It's sad, but I'm being honest.)  However, some ladies told me to go to some local credit unions and try to get a personal loan.  That way I have more control over how the money is spent.  Due to our country's current economic situation, I doubt I'll be able to secure a $30,000 loan.  That does not mean I won't give it a try.

Vacation

The hubs and I took a real vacation.  We hopped a plane and landed on the fabulous Island of Oahu.  Thank the Lord!  After my RE told me my eggs were rotten, I was a hot mess. I would dissolve into tears at the drop of a hat.  It turns out that no struggle can stand up to the beauty of Hawai'i.

We climbed Diamond Head, drank Mai Tais, went to a Luau, drank more Mai Tais, hit the beach, took a sunset cruise, ate (I gained five pounds. booo!!!) and continued to drink until our hearts were content.  During one of my drunken stupors, I emailed my RE. OMG, right?  But her reply saved my heart.

"your levels don't tell me we can't get pregnant

they tell me that we are going to probably have to work hard to make it happen

i'm up for the challenge."

Now, don't get it twisted. I know her main goal is to make money and she did not convince me to gamble away $22,000 on one procedure.  However, her kind words encouraged me to continue with my plan for the year, which is to do all that I can to complete mission #BABYRASS2013. I can't pay $22,000 for anything, but there are other options.  Of course, the hubby and I are taking this month off.  We will meet with the RE next week to discuss what plan B is.  I was unable to talk to her about it during our previous meeting because my mind didn't get past the whole rotten eggs thing.  Like seriously, all I registered was poor egg quality and $22,000.  Say what?!

Now back to Hawaii...those folks love some pork and it turns out that I do too.  I just wish someone would have told me my jeans would strangle my legs after five days of indulging in the swine.  Damn!

Binge Interrupted

Sooo the hubby told me that I needed to at least contact my doctor's office to let them know that my new cycle started.  That's what interrupted my high from the caffeine and alcohol binge.  The doctor insisted that I come in for a consult.  I didn't want to. I already told you about her over-the-top optimism plus, I didn't want to pay her any money.

She forced her staff to find a slot for us today.  Per usual, I paid her money to break my heart. Today she informed me that basically the majority of my eggs are rotten.  She said if she harvested ten eggs from the average healthy woman of my age, she would expect five of them to be fantastic.  In my case, she expects only two will have a chance of being successfully fertilized, implanted and born free of defects (yup, I said defects).

My new thing is to cry over any damn thing, so I got all teary-eyed again.  She said we should probably be more aggressive and by that she meant the dreaded IVF.  Yay for test tube babies!  Because she knows the quality of my eggs sucks, she would want to test the eggs before implanting them in me...if we ever reach that point.

Because I am always counting money (that's what you do when you don't have any), I asked the cost. The estimate? $22,000 for one damn try. I don't have money like that!  It would take me another year-and-a-half to save up what I need to reach that astronomical amount.

My perpetually positive husband is all like, "Let's do it!" Pssh! Whatever.  He went on to basically say if it was a car, I wouldn't think this hard. I reminded him that if it was a car, I'd know for sure it would run.  Plus, the car would have a warranty and a 60-month loan readily available.  This crap does not come with a guarantee, a warranty or a reasonable loan.  Where will this $22,000 magically come from?

Now that I've depressed you with my whining, here's the positive: At least she was straight foward and didn't string me along.  Oh, she also told me not to call my eggs rotten, but I've always been an advocate for calling a snake a snake.

With all of that said, I guess I better start playing the damn lottery. I need to win in oh...like three months.

Negative IUI

I got my official negative today.  After getting over the emotional part of it, I was darn right mad that I spent half the amount of a fabulous, but small, Louis Vuitton ($781) on pure torture.  I paid to be on edge for two weeks and ultimately feel like shit.  I'm starting to wonder if  a drug addiction would be a better investment (I know, bad joke).

Anyways, I have gone back and forth on whether to jump back into another cycle.  I think I'm going to take a break and drink lots of coffee and wine because this crap was enough to make we want to drive to the Bay Bridge and take a leap.

I'm just hoping the progesterone doesn't delay the start of the ol' period too much. I want to get her over with.  I've got a vacation to go on.

I'm not going to call the doctor for awhile.  She is way too optimistic and will talk me out of my planned caffeine and alcohol binge. I can't be having that!

Bleh!

It's not looking good, folks.  The normal signs of Aunt Flo are rearing their ugly heads.  So be prepared for IUI #2.  I'll probably cry on Sunday, but not today.

Who Puked?

Who puked, you ask?  It was me. I puked after the IUI.  I thought that was supposed to happen after the New Year's Eve toast and a vat of liquor.

Soo...I guess I didn't adequately research this IUI situation.  It started off smoothly.  My doctor talked me through every step.  Feet in the stir ups, inserting this here, applying this there and voila!  I was done. She told me to lie on the table for at least ten minutes before we could leave.  I stayed there for 15 minutes for good measure.

As each minute ticked by, I got cramps and THEY GREW STRONGER. I started to have a minor freak out.  Mind you, before the procedure started she told me that I'd have cramps, but I thought she meant I'd possibly feel ovulation later tonight. I was obviously mistaken.  By the time we  left, I couldn't fake it anymore. I was grimacing with my head on hubby's shoulder.  The doctor saw me and called me back in her office.  Her words, " I got you good."  I was in so much pain I couldn't laugh.  She hit the top of my uterus just like she wanted and my body was indeed reacting to it.  It reacted so much that I started feeling nauseous.  She prescribed me some meds, but I didn't fill the prescription. I'm a big girl.

When hubby and I hit the hall, I knew I wasn't going to make it to the car.  We ran into the nearest bathroom and I tossed my cookies.  I guess that's a poor term for this situation.  Since I hadn't eaten anything, there wasn't a single cookie in there.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way.  Here are some of the highlights from today's session.

The Semen Sample: 

My husband is a task master.  The night before he laid out our plan. We had to be up at a certain time to walk and feed the dogs, take our showers, get dressed and have everything we needed waiting downstairs.  Once he finished his deposit, he wanted to get in the car immediately and that's exactly what we did.  I had his half of a potential baby tucked away under my shirt in my very small bosom.  He forgot to write his name on it, so he freaked out a bit because I had already handed it over to the nurse. No harm, no foul.  They knew it was his and labeled it as such.

It turns out that his antibiotics worked. The doctor said she didn't find any of those pesky misshapen ones in this batch.

My Crazy Doctor: 

This woman keeps me laughing.  Her top quotes today:

"I'm inserting the super swimmers into your very fertile looking uterus."  Who says that?

She asked Hubby if he wanted to actually insert the sample.  I didn't let him answer. I quickly said NO! No time for novices.  To that she replied, "OK. Don't come after me for child support."

Me: 

I felt sensations in the days leading up to my trigger shot. I wouldn't call them cramps. but I was very aware that my ovaries were working.  After the shot, I didn't feel them as much. As I told you above, I definitely felt CRAMPS and nauseous, after the IUI.  About five to ten minutes after I threw up, I was fine.  Again, I am aware of my nether regions, but I definitely am not feeling cramps at the moment.

Love:

I don't know what the future holds for me and my husband, but no matter what happens I will always love him dearly for today.  His kindness, care and words were more than anything I could have asked for. He was so calm, so positive and encouraging.

Strangeness:

The IUI/Insemination situation is so strange.  It's kind of like you just had sex without the sex. I've learned from this cycle that I don't like the Trigger shot and I sure as hell am not crazy about the IUI. I hope and pray this works.  I hope and pray that I don't lose my mind over the next two weeks.

I have to start taking progesterone tomorrow.

#2013BABYRASS