I've decided that I'm done for a while. I'm done trying, thinking and obsessing. I have had a series of ugly setbacks and while I've had setbacks before, I've never dealt with so many at once. I'm in a new place, I miss my family, I miss my old job and I miss my friends.
I think my hair is falling out around the edges and at any given moment, I'm on the verge of tears. Even though I just spent $170 on a new fertility monitor and the sticks that go along with it, I've decided that accepting defeat is a lot easier than trying hard at everything and coming up empty.
Patience has never been my strong suit. I pray for it every day and every night, I pray for the things I want most in life. I could take the easy way out and say that God just isn't answering my prayers right now, but I know that's not it. I know in some strange way this is just another lesson about patience. I figure the best way to have it, is to simply give up on all that I want. It doesn't mean I won't always give 110% on my day-to-day activities. I don't know how to do anything else (I blame my upbringing for that). BUT maybe if I find a way to just totally quit and let go, I will begin to find true happiness regardless of if I get the things that I want.
I have to learn to make do with what I have and the blessings I've already received. It just seems that it's a bit harder for me to really do that. Repeated failure is truly my lifes biggest heartbreak.