What I Want

Infertility continues to beat the entire shit out of me. She is the worse abuser. Not only are her kicks and punches indescribably painful, but they’re well placed. I know they’re there. I feel the impact, but none of it is visible to the naked eye.

I just wish I had one friend, one family member who could or would hold my hand and let me cry. I don’t want to hear I’m sorry. I just want someone to say, “Fuck this shit. Fuck infertility. Let’s go drink and pout.” I want them to be angry with me and okay with my anger. I know that’s a lot to ask of people. We always want to make others feel better. I’m guilty of it too.

It looks as if we have finally diagnosed my infertility: fibroids, endometriosis and bad tubes. Perhaps I would have become a mother, if I had caught the tube thing earlier. It doesn’t matter now because to top it off, my eggs aged prematurely.

I thought I didn’t have anymore tears to give this, but here I sit. Crying. It’s ugly. It’s a tear-stained, puffy, snot-falling cry. I know this is not a punishment from God, but it certainly feels like it. This certainly feels like more than I was ever meant to bear. How does one find authentic joy when their body has betrayed them so?

The answer to that question doesn't matter anymore. This long, dramatic, ridiculous chapter of my life is over. I'd like to say that I finally have the strength to walk away, but that's not the truth. I'm just out of weapons. I'm defeated. It's not the way I wanted it to end, but at least I can say I fought - no matter how un-valiantly - I definitely fought...to a fault and likely to my detriment.

6 Days Post FET

Ugh...My acupuncture dude kind of knocked the wind out of my sails today.  He said my pulse felt weak and not "big" enough for pregnancy.  He kept telling me stories about women who kept trying and it finally worked.  These little anecdotes didn't make me feel any better.  He went on to poke me with one needle in the top of my head and sent me on my way.

Since that moment, I've been trying to connect with the twins, hoping that they will hear my chant of stick and grow. But I'm not sure..I mean doubt is creeping in more than it has for the past week.  I kind of want to curl up on my new comfy couch, suck my thumb (which I haven't done since I was about seven), and rest.  I can't do that because I have to work to pay off my infertility debts.

I'm not going to sneak a test today because it could quite possibly break me. Instead, I'm focusing on finishing this work day, packing tonight and hopping a plane tomorrow.

I've set up an appointment to get my Beta tested in Florida on Saturday, but I might skip it. I don't know. I'm kind of sad right now.

Here's to hoping my babies are ignoring my poor attitude and sticking and growing...AND that a giant, tasty cookie falls from the sky and into my lap.

#FINISH

5 Days Post FET

I'm still chanting stick and grow, Guys.  I made it through day five.  At one point, I was pretty sure that was I going to march out and buy myself a home pregnancy test for tomorrow.  Buuuut....I can't.  I can't do it.  I think I will hold out until Friday morning, before we fly to Florida.

As for Thursday, I have lots to do. I have laundry duty, acupuncture and work....and packing. Yikes!  Such a strange week.


#FINISH

TV & Fibroids?

TV & Fibroids... could there be a connection?

I don't know.  I'm not an expert, but my acupuncturist threw some details at me today.  As he was assessing my situation and figuring out where to prick me with his magic needles, he asked, "is there a TV in your room?"

Well of course there is a TV in my room.  I have had a television in my room since I was seven.  I love watching TV in the bed.  I have actually talked to other wives who told me to get that thing out of the bedroom.  They say the bed is for lovin'!  While I agree with the lovin' part, I also believe the bed is awesome for popcorn and a good ol' show.

Anyway, the acupuncturist went on to ask me if the TV is on my side of the bed.  My TV is not directly next to my bed, but it is in the front of the room, kinda to the left. I sleep on the left side of the bed. OMG, right?  My "needle man" went on to tell me to just unplug the TV.  He says in his Feng Shui world, televisions in the bedroom contribute to tumor growth (fibroids are essentially benign tumors).

I was stunned.  I know he is not the authority and there's no research that I know of to back this up, but I'll try anything that doesn't involve surgery.  So guess what?  I'm unplugging the TV tonight.  I'm also moving the phone and iPad off my nightstand.  I know these fibroids won't disappear without a miracle.  So I will do whatever I can to keep them mild.  This uterus IS about to roll out the welcome mat for my babies.  I don't have time for games.

My best friend's co-workers is a 40+-year-old woman who is pregnant with triplets.  It took her multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point.  She said when she told her husband she was pregnant, he changed his phone wallpaper.  He simply put the word "FINISH" on there.  She said she didn't understand at first, but now she does.  Her goal is to get to the finish line with three healthy babies.

Of course when I first read her blog, I thought, "whatever" (because I was still a mental hot-n-spicy mess), but now I get it.  My 2013 theme for this blog has been #BABYRASS2013 or some variation of it.  Well now it is FINISH. I will finish this mission.  Fibroids didn't stop me from starting it and God willing, they won't stop me from finishing. 

Pray for me, please:-)

#FINISH