What I Want

Infertility continues to beat the entire shit out of me. She is the worse abuser. Not only are her kicks and punches indescribably painful, but they’re well placed. I know they’re there. I feel the impact, but none of it is visible to the naked eye.

I just wish I had one friend, one family member who could or would hold my hand and let me cry. I don’t want to hear I’m sorry. I just want someone to say, “Fuck this shit. Fuck infertility. Let’s go drink and pout.” I want them to be angry with me and okay with my anger. I know that’s a lot to ask of people. We always want to make others feel better. I’m guilty of it too.

It looks as if we have finally diagnosed my infertility: fibroids, endometriosis and bad tubes. Perhaps I would have become a mother, if I had caught the tube thing earlier. It doesn’t matter now because to top it off, my eggs aged prematurely.

I thought I didn’t have anymore tears to give this, but here I sit. Crying. It’s ugly. It’s a tear-stained, puffy, snot-falling cry. I know this is not a punishment from God, but it certainly feels like it. This certainly feels like more than I was ever meant to bear. How does one find authentic joy when their body has betrayed them so?

The answer to that question doesn't matter anymore. This long, dramatic, ridiculous chapter of my life is over. I'd like to say that I finally have the strength to walk away, but that's not the truth. I'm just out of weapons. I'm defeated. It's not the way I wanted it to end, but at least I can say I fought - no matter how un-valiantly - I definitely fought...to a fault and likely to my detriment.

He Rebuilt My Uterus

I am back with a quick update.  I am three weeks post my second fibroid removal surgery.  This one was more intense, and required a longer recovery.

The surgeon claims he rebuilt my uterus.  After reading the surgery report, my RE said it's like I got a uterine transplant, except it's still my uterus.

I don't know what to think.  The last time I had one of these surgeries, I was sure the miracle of pregnancy would follow fast.  Well...it didn't.  Anyways, I have to wait 8-10 months to try out this marvelous, bionic baby sack.  I'm just hoping that I'll have a flat tummy when this is all said and done.  I feel bad for you if you catch me at the beach.  I'll have this surgery-scarred belly on display for all to see.  Yessss!

My RE will run hormone tests upon the arrival of my next period.  From there, we may go fishing for eggs or give up completely to focus on the last two options: donor eggs (which simultaneously excites me and freaks me out) or adoption.

I last attempted to create embryos in November.  We only got one viable five-day embryo, which promptly failed genetic testing.  Of course, we also had a bit of an issue/accident.  The Hubs and I also made a rogue embryo (surprise!).  It decided to settle into my left Fallopian tube.  I had to have surgery to get that sucker removed, along with my beloved tube.

After I read both surgery reports (fibroid and ectopic), I gathered that I had lots of scar tissue.  It had wrapped itself around my tubes and ovaries binding them together.  Yikes!  When we found the ectopic pregnancy, I was about 6 weeks pregnant, but my uterus was 18-19 weeks gestation size.  While the embryo was in my tube, my fibroids were growing like they were on steroids inside my uterus.  HOLY MOLY!

I'm just hoping I don't have scar tissue again.  I find it so interesting that I've had three surgeries in four years, especially since after the first one, I swore I wasn't doing it again. Lesson?  I have stopped creating hard and fast rules for my bizarre little life.  My mantra isn't YES TO EVERYTHING.  However, It doesn't include HARD NEVERS.

I'm still paying off that first IVF loan, plus I have bills coming in from this last surgery, but I'm not angry.  I'm thankful to have a job to pay them.  I go back to work next week, and when I get discouraged about treatment etc., I will remind myself that it could be A LOT worse.

With all of that said, I'm just letting the process happen.  After all, I can't use my remodeled uterus for 8-10 months.  I guess I'll be on birth control pills (even though it seems pointless) because when it shouldn't happen, we make accidental embryos a la November.  Plus, I'm not paying for 10 months of condoms...that's expensive.

Left Tube? Gone!

Sooooo I planned to have a fibroid removal surgery this week.  I felt physically awful after my October retrieval, which netted absolutely no usable embryos.  A lump in my abdomen was growing.  I was sure my fibroids were doing a dirty dance and needed to be removed pronto.  I even moved the surgery up by two weeks.  Well, during the pre-op appointment I tested positive for pregnancy.  Say what?

Here's how the conversation went.

Doctor:  When was your last period?
Me:  I don't know.  It was for my last retrieval. (I looked at my phone and learned my last period was September 25th. It was November 3rd. )
Doctor:  Well, you tested positive for pregnancy.  We tested it twice. I don't think this could be a trigger shot.
Me:  That doesn't make any sense.  I'll call my RE.  Don't worry about it.  This is stupid.  Continue on because I'm having surgery next week.

Well, the RE wanted me to come to her office on that day, which I thought was odd.  I couldn't go because the surgeon's office is more than an hour away from her office and I had to go to work.  I went in the next day.  Of course, there was nothing in my uterus because we all know I can't get pregnant. The RE thought she saw something on the far left.  When she checked my beta it was at 4,000+.  That thing on the far left was my fallopian tube being stretched by a damn embryo.  I had surgery the next day.  They couldn't save my tube.  They also couldn't tackle the fibroids because they said the pregnancy hormone causes too much blood flow in the uterus.  Great!  Now I have to go back to get knifed up again in 3 to 4 months.

Guys, my left tube was allegedly my good one.  The doctor had concerns about the right one that were never confirmed.  Now we know something in the left wasn't letting that embryo pass, but that's okay.  I'm pretty sure the pregnancy would have ended badly because that batch of eggs was terrible.

I'm hurt.  The RE says an egg obviously slipped out before the retrieval and the Hubs left some sperm that were ready to go.  I didn't get to feel any joy of a pregnancy, yet I'd achieved something I couldn't do in 8 years.  That's fine.  I didn't experience heartbreak because there was no attachment.  For me, that embryo was never a baby, but a problem that needed to be removed because everyone feared it would rupture my tube and kill me.  Whatever.

It feels like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me.  I have used up my insurance.  I am in deep debt.  I no longer have confidence in any of this.  I don't think I can continue with Assisted Reproductive Technology any more.  I can't afford it, and I'm no longer willing to gamble on it.  However, I'll take supplements and go to the acupuncture dude in case there's a miracle out there for me.

I will get the fibroid surgery in four months because this surgeon was top notch.  My incisions look fantastic and I didn't wake up in pain.  As I mentioned before, once I'm done with that, it's just me and acupuncture dude.  I'm 34.  This set back would mean I couldn't do anything for nearly a year anyway.
I told the Hubs it's time to look at adoption.

I go back to work today, after two weeks of recovery.  I've got to say, I'm happy to go.  It sucks being off because someone popped open your belly button.  Ugh!  It also sucks having to file for temporary disability for two freaking weeks.  ugh!  It's going to be really annoying when I have to file for a month with the fibroid surgery.