What I Want

Infertility continues to beat the entire shit out of me. She is the worse abuser. Not only are her kicks and punches indescribably painful, but they’re well placed. I know they’re there. I feel the impact, but none of it is visible to the naked eye.

I just wish I had one friend, one family member who could or would hold my hand and let me cry. I don’t want to hear I’m sorry. I just want someone to say, “Fuck this shit. Fuck infertility. Let’s go drink and pout.” I want them to be angry with me and okay with my anger. I know that’s a lot to ask of people. We always want to make others feel better. I’m guilty of it too.

It looks as if we have finally diagnosed my infertility: fibroids, endometriosis and bad tubes. Perhaps I would have become a mother, if I had caught the tube thing earlier. It doesn’t matter now because to top it off, my eggs aged prematurely.

I thought I didn’t have anymore tears to give this, but here I sit. Crying. It’s ugly. It’s a tear-stained, puffy, snot-falling cry. I know this is not a punishment from God, but it certainly feels like it. This certainly feels like more than I was ever meant to bear. How does one find authentic joy when their body has betrayed them so?

The answer to that question doesn't matter anymore. This long, dramatic, ridiculous chapter of my life is over. I'd like to say that I finally have the strength to walk away, but that's not the truth. I'm just out of weapons. I'm defeated. It's not the way I wanted it to end, but at least I can say I fought - no matter how un-valiantly - I definitely fought...to a fault and likely to my detriment.

Is This Normal?

I woke up on the first day of the New Year excited.  My cycle started.  I felt normal.  To me, it was a new beginning.  I was feeling so good that I even wished the Witch Doctor happy New Year, as I notified her via email that my period had finally come.  Yesss!!

The Hubs and I went to breakfast, chatted, laughed, then BOOM!  I got the mother of all cramps.  OMG.  I have had some bad ones in the past, but these were pretty strong.  And guess what?  We only had one freaking advil pill in the house.  OMG.  I was pacing back and forth.  My uterus was angry and she spread her disgust to my digestive system.  Let's just say I had stuff coming out from both ends.  This was NO BUENO.  Hubby rushed to store to get more advil, pick up a heating pad and get me some real pads.  The body was not happy with my choice of tampons.

And speaking of feminine products, there are so many options.  My Husband called me frantically trying to figure out which package would be best.  He's such an awesome man.  My Dad refused to buy pads for me, as a teen when he went grocery shopping.  So this beautiful man of mine having the guts to pick them up in my time of crisis, is just wonderful.

Once again I digress.

I emailed Witch Doctor to update her on my situation.  I was like, "Is this normal?"  She said, "Yes!"  What?  She said since there was a "pregnancy" things would be rough. Ugh! Then she called and wanted me to describe the pain.  I won't lie.  I am not good at that at all.  I said something like, "It hurts straight across the middle and down to my feet."

She told me to keep her posted because she wanted to make sure that she didn't miss the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.  I was thinking.....NO WAY! She is obviously crazy.  Anyway, she told me to get day three blood work, along with another beta.

Two days later, I got the job done, which probably surprised her since I'd been rebelling lately.  Get this: my beta was a 10.  Yes. A TEN!  Just like before.  So now I have to go back again on Monday to test and make sure this particular ten is the result of the numbers going down.

Strangely, I am not upset or nervous.  I was for a second and threatened to spend my weekend on Google, but Witch Doctor says she is Dr. Google and has all of my answers.  I was thinking--- oh no she didn't!  I'm the real Dr. Google.

Anyway, I really don't think anything is wrong.  I think the numbers are going down.  The Husband and I are just trying to understand our insurance a little better.  We think it counts an FET as a full IVF, so we won't be wasting insurance on an FET for that solo embryo, as we are only covered for three cycles.  (Did I mention my butt is still sore from those progesterone shots?  That stuff is the devil!)

I know everyday my plan for the future changes, but at the moment we're pretty content with the idea of stemming for eggs in March.  I'm back on thyroid medicine.  Ugh!  Apparently, a TSH of 5 isn't a good sign whether you're seeking infertility treatment or not.  It's on the cusp of high.

I feel good better now, but I really think the meds did a number on me this time.  I mean, I'm still not entirely excited about my job, but I can HANDLE the frustration the way I'm used to dealing with stuff.  Last month while I was pumped full of estrogen and progesterone, I was ready to quit and move to a homeless shelter.  I had no fight left.  Ridiculous!

I'm dumping the shrink too.  I went through all of this and didn't need or want to talk to her.  I'm tired of talking to her about it.  I definitely needed her when I started, but I don't think it's necessary now.  Plus, she's a really strong defender of the Witch Doctor.  It's hard to vent my frustrations to someone who is apparently her friend.  I knew they were colleagues, as Witch Doctor gave me her name, but I didn't know they were Besties.  Ugh!  But I don't know.  Next week, I might lose my little mind again.  So, we'll see.

Is It Over Yet?

Is 2013 over yet?  No?  Dang.

Anyway, I spent the weekend going from sad, to angry, to FURIOUS.  My poor husband was sick with a cold, and I took it all out on his ailing behind.  *sigh*  I am a sorry excuse for a wife, right?

I feel awful for the way I treated him.  I'll do better next time.  I promise.

My period still hasn't started yet.  It only took three days to start, after the last failure.  It looks like this time, it will take at least five days.  Witch Doctor told me to come back for another HCG to make sure the numbers are dropping, but I decided to be MATURE and IGNORE her (I hope you felt the sarcasm in that statement).  I'll go if my cycle doesn't start by day six.  If there's one thing my body is really good at, it's NOT being pregnant.  I don't want to start doubting its abilities now.

Some people may question that decision and my decision not to take drugs an extra day.  I feel like I should kind of explain why.  There's a story in the Bay Area.  A 13-year-old girl went in for tonsil surgery, and later died from complications.  She's brain dead.  Her parents won't accept it.  They have forced the hospital to keep her on a breathing tub.  My heart breaks for them.  I feel so passionately about them that when people say mean things about them, I defend them like they're my family.  I can't imagine their pain.  So when Witch Doctor told me my numbers weren't meeting standards, I knew that for my own mental health, I had to immediately let go.  I won't even write chemical pregnancy on my timeline.  It was never a pregnancy.  It's a failed attempt.

So back to me and the wait for my period: I figure since my butt is still lumpy from those progesterone shots, and (TMI WARNING) I still leak small globs of the progesterone gel, my body is still coming down off the hormones.  I took considerably more drugs for this FET than the last one.

I can honestly say the emotional pain is not nearly as bad this time, which scares me a little.  It hurt.  There's no denying that.  But the day isn't colored black like before.  The day sucks, but it's not black.  I will call that a small victory.  I'm still bitter, but I think that's normal (?).

That's all from me.  Happy New Year to all.

Oh Wait, don't pay for PGS.  It's not worth it.  I've flushed four chromosomally normal embryos down the toilet.  #awesome.

10

Today my Beta was a 10.  Hooray for failure...again.  Guys, this hurt so bad.  I balled my eyes out in a parking lot next to my job.  I really wish Witch Doctor would have just called it a failure on Monday.  At least I would have had two days off to recover.  Instead, I spent Christmas angry.  Now, I'm at work ashy-faced because I can't stop crying.

I told Witch Doctor that we didn't want to transfer the last embryo.  I told her we'd go straight for the next egg retrieval.   It's mainly because I hate those progesterone shots.  But I'm pretty sure it's not the right move.  I don't know.  I really need a new doctor or something.

Anyway she said my TSH levels were a 5.5.  I guess I should have stayed on those meds, huh?  I'm still not sure about that situation.

She tried to give me that false hope again saying I could stay on the meds another night and maybe something miraculous would happen.  While I still believe in God, I'm not in the business of believing in petty miracles.  A miracle to save my Mom?  Yes.  I'm all game.  A miracle to save a weak "pregnancy?" No thank you.

So I guess I get to add the ol' Chemical to my timeline.  Never had that before.  The funny part is that I've still never seen a real positive home test, except for the time after my IUI.  I thought maybe home tests just didn't work for me, so I peed on one when I knew I still had HCG from the trigger in my system.  It was amazing to see that positive.  But I digress....

My poor husband isn't taking this so well, and I'm of absolutely no help to him. I'm too angry to offer any comfort.

You chicks who keep doing this...I don't know if anyone has told you, but you're amazing. AMAZING.  People don't even know.

So...anyone want to take bets on when my period will start.  I'd appreciate anything past a week from now and preferably on a Saturday.

Thanks, Google

I spent a little time today googling what a Beta of 5 means.  Uhm...it's a negative.  I'm not pregnant.  It's not even a maybe.  I think it was a little unfair of Witch Doctor to leave me with that little string of hope.  Perhaps she didn't want to ruin Christmas for me.  But I was okay with a negative, until she carefully crafted that lie over the phone of a positive.

Something about the way she said it made me ask for the actual number.  I could tell she was hiding something.  I really think she is hoping a miracle will happen by Thursday, but it won't.  It's not right to do this to people, especially when I was open to acceptance.  I took that negative home test in stride.  I was going to be ok.  Now, I just want to cry, but I can't.  I have house guests.  I have to pretend I'm ok, which never works out well for me.  Anyways...

These progesterone shots hurt and I really don't want to take them, if there's no need. Plus, that's wasting precious, expensive medicine.  I'll need those meds for FET #3.

I really really hate 2013.

Beta 5

Yeah.  My beta results came back as a FIVE.  Low enough to be heartbreaking and high enough that I have to take more progesterone-butt-shots and refrain from holiday boozing.  Next test is Thursday.

How do I feel, you ask?

happy? confused? calm? confused?

Did I say confused?

I'm out of home tests.  I had to really search to find the one I used.  I guess I'll pick up some when I head to the store to buy a crock pot and the ingredients to make some dessert called Monkey bread. 

Because I am sure you are just as tired of me as I am of myself, I leave you with two pictures of my furry babies.  They are truly annoying little blessings:-)

 

Wally is very self-important, like all celebrities.  He is aware when he is photographed and is quite curious about it.  Hence, the cocked head in each pic:-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Negative

I went to the doctor and got my blood drawn, but I couldn't wait for the results.  I knew she'd call me with them at work, and I knew I couldn't handle that.  So, I did what any self-respecting person, suffering from a patience problem would do.  I took a home test.  Per usual, it was negative.  The one thing I love about the way I test is that there is never any question or doubt.  I don't have to wait five minutes.  The thing immediately shows a negative.  I'm ok...a little crestfallen, but ok.

This morning the doctor asked me if I was still on thyroid medication.  It's the first time this entire cycle that she's mentioned my thyroid.  How fitting:-)  I thought we were both half-assing it, and we were.

Now to figure out what's next.  Right?  I have one decent embryo left.  I think I'll just save up and pay for that transfer out of pocket so that I don't waste anymore of my precious IVF insurance coverage.  I won't be returning to this Witch Doctor.  This last visit to her office left me with a sour taste.  Her new assistant walked up to me with an attitude and said, "why are you here? a blood test?"  After the doctor drew my blood, my husband wanted to ask her a question.  So we waited for Witch Doctor to return.  That same assistant walked up to the receptionist and not-so-surreptitiously asked, "why is she still here?"  Obviously, I'm not a person to be treated with courtesy any longer, despite spending thousands at this place.  It's okay.  I often have problems making change and literally have to be kicked in the ass to make a switch.  I guess this is it.

Once FET #3 is done.  I'll be done for a while.  I'll be shopping around.  I will visit several doctors, thoroughly research their proposed protocols and make my decision from there.  I don't have anymore time for mistakes and insecurities.

Oh well.  I'm off to prepare for work.  The best part of all of this?  I'm done with those progesterone shots!  Yessssss!!!!

5 days post FET #2

Tonight I will take what could be my very last progesterone shot (pio) for this cycle.  I have decided to test tomorrow because patience is NOT my middle name.

In case you're wondering, tomorrow will be six days past a five day transfer.  WooHoo!  I have had cramping on and off.  One time they felt like the ones that come before Aunt Flo.  Ugh!  I haven't had any spotting, but (TMI Warning)  I have had panty liners filled with leaks from those fantastic progesterone inserts.  Yuck!

I didn't remember being this crampy during the last FET, but upon reading some old posts, I apparently was.  This time around, I'm on so much progesterone that I'm surprised my uterus hasn't just cramped up and fallen out.  Seriously.  I'm taking two crinone inserts a day and a shot.  I've been googling to find other women who are partaking in the same protocol and have not found one.

I did find people saying they planned to ask their doctors to allow them to take both.  In those cases, the women had low progesterone levels at the time of their failure.  Being that I save every email from the witch doctor, I quickly pulled up the email detailing my progesterone levels from my last failure.  Guess what?  My level was great.  It was a 17.  Witch Doctor used the adjective, super.

Seriously, she put the word super in an email detailing my FET failure.  I wish I could put into words why I continue to stick with her.  I'm not sure she really knows what's wrong with me, but when it's time for procedures, she doesn't make me feel like an alien.  I have a tipped uterus.  I've been to doctors who couldn't get catheters and such up my canal.  Instead of remaining calm, they would basically make me feel like I had the worst body on Earth.  She never does that.  In fact, she never has problems inserting anything during any procedure (Pap smear to Transfer).  If she's having them, she doesn't let me know.  I really appreciate that.  I already feel like my body hates me and all things reproductive.  Having doctors freak out only makes the feelings worse.

But I digress....

I think my cramps are definitely a symptom of my pumped up progesterone use:-)  But there are moments when I think maybe it's implantation and it's all working.  Then I run after my dogs, get a jolt of the soreness from my butt, and remember how much progesterone I'm on.  In case you're confused, my a$$ is sore from those shots.  Running, jogging and fast walking awaken the soreness.

The hubby and I talked and decided that waiting to take the test isn't going to change the outcome.  If I get the expected failure, how I respond is my choice.  Will it hurt?  Yes.  Will I cry? likely.  But I have to let myself be upset to a point, and move on.  I never want to feel the way I felt the last time.  A part of me certainly died during that experience, but in a way it matured me.  I no longer look at everything through rose colored glasses.  Okay, one of the lenses is still rose.  I refuse to lose it.  I can't imagine life without a little bit of sunshine (rose shine?).  Now saying and doing are two different things, but I'm focused on doing.  Hopefully, I nail it.

As much as I tried to denounce God, my upbringing won't let me.  When I find myself praying, it's not for a positive.  It's for peace.  I just want peace, regardless of the outcome.

3 Days Post Transfer

I am preparing myself for a negative, per usual.  I'm hoping that the pain won't hurt as much as last time.  As you may know, I am three days post 5 day transfer.

Let me tell you what I did differently from my last transfer.
1.  I didn't take any vitamins
2.  I didn't do any acupuncture
3.  I frequent a shrink
4.  I didn't follow doctors orders after the transfer.  I stayed home one day, not two
4.  I didn't take pre-natal pills.

You are probably scratching your heads and saying I totally deserve a negative.  You know what?  You're right.  I rebelled.  I did everything that was asked of me the last time.  I mean everything. I didn't miss a pill, appointment or supplement.  Guess what?  I didn't even get a low beta.  I got no beta. It was a complete failure.

I went into this particular cycle armed with new insurance that offset the cost of this mess.  My goal was to humanely dispose of my remaining embryos.  Unlike last time, I did not look at the monitor as the doctor shot my embryos into my combative uterus.  When she handed me the picture of my embryos, I passed it straight to my husband.  I didn't even glance.  Doc and I weren't jovial like we were in the past.  Sure, she joked about me getting on her nerves when I tried to cancel the cycle, but it wasn't happy joking.  It was passive aggression on both of our parts.  It was still funny though.

But when it was over, I knew that I cared more than I wanted to.  I realized this is all really going to hurt badly.  So I am three days post transfer.  For a normal woman, the embryos would have hatched by now and started implanting.  That's not happening here.  I have been cramping since before the transfer.  All symptoms I feel are from the progesterone.  While the doctor swears my embryos are great, I don't believe her. I compared them to pictures on the Internet and they just don't look as good. I don't care what their grades are.

The husband says when this cycle is done, he wants to do another egg retrieval.  I just don't know.  I'm starting to wonder if I just can't carry.  My next option is to have a another fibroid-removal surgery, but I can't.  Elective surgeries just aren't for me.  It's such a risk and there are no guarantees.  I know this because I've already had a surgery and I still don't have a child.  I have a puppy, but I don't have a child.

Now I'm starting to wonder if I really want a baby or if I want one because I can't have one.

Progesterone Shots

Uhm...those b*itches hurt.  I mean the needle insertion is no problem.  It was several hours later, that I realized the oil stings.  My a$$ is still sore this morning.

Oh well.  It's only for a little more than a week.  I can handle that.

FET #2---Done!

Alright!  Two out of three remaining Rotties are in.

I tried to cancel this transfer or at least delay it, but Witch Doctor wasn't having it. So, it's done.  Here are the things I'd like to address.

1. Is anyone else perplexed when they're told to arrive with a full bladder, but not so full that you can't hold it?  Uhm.....Since I'm not in the habit of testing my bladder, I don't really know how much liquid will give me the desired effect of full, but not leaking.  Needless to say, I over shot it today.  I had to let out a little. Oops!

2.  The funniest thing happened when we arrived.  My husband was so freaking nervous that I was comforting him.  We both had to laugh at that.  LOL!  I reminded him that I was the one who would have a catheter rammed up my privates.  He couldn't dispute that.  All of his nervousness went away, or he pretended it did.

3.  I really hope anyone going through something like this has a really great partner.  This particular transfer was really difficult for me, as I no longer have grand illusions of being special enough to get a baby out of this.   My husband wouldn't let my misery stop his optimism.  I really love him for it. (Did I write really enough?)

Since I'm supposed to test on Christmas, which is a Wednesday, Doc told me just to get my blood drawn on Monday.  I'm still torn, guys.  I've been through this before.  No matter how you prepare, a negative hurts TREMENDOUSLY.  However, I also have no patience.  But I think my need to not spiral into sadness and enjoy my Father-in-law's visit, will actually outweigh my impatience.  My Father-in-law's birthday is Christmas Eve for goodness sake.

We'll see.  I'm just resting now, and trying to get out all of my thoughts.  Hopefully, that will keep me from obsessing over it in the days to come.

Oh...switching subjects now.  Last night, a friend of mine told me she'd just found out she was pregnant with twins.  I'm happy for her, but heartbroken for me.  I love my friend, but she wasn't infertile.  She didn't get pregnant in three months, freaked out, and lied to her doctor to get clomid.  Now she's having twins.  I'll be by her side, as MY dream comes true for her.  Again, I'm happy for her, but it still stings ALOT.  *bitter, party of one over here :-) *

Side Note:  I will continue estrogen shots every three days.  Plus, I'll take progesterone shots and inserts daily.  Yay for butt shots!