Is This Normal?

I woke up on the first day of the New Year excited.  My cycle started.  I felt normal.  To me, it was a new beginning.  I was feeling so good that I even wished the Witch Doctor happy New Year, as I notified her via email that my period had finally come.  Yesss!!

The Hubs and I went to breakfast, chatted, laughed, then BOOM!  I got the mother of all cramps.  OMG.  I have had some bad ones in the past, but these were pretty strong.  And guess what?  We only had one freaking advil pill in the house.  OMG.  I was pacing back and forth.  My uterus was angry and she spread her disgust to my digestive system.  Let's just say I had stuff coming out from both ends.  This was NO BUENO.  Hubby rushed to store to get more advil, pick up a heating pad and get me some real pads.  The body was not happy with my choice of tampons.

And speaking of feminine products, there are so many options.  My Husband called me frantically trying to figure out which package would be best.  He's such an awesome man.  My Dad refused to buy pads for me, as a teen when he went grocery shopping.  So this beautiful man of mine having the guts to pick them up in my time of crisis, is just wonderful.

Once again I digress.

I emailed Witch Doctor to update her on my situation.  I was like, "Is this normal?"  She said, "Yes!"  What?  She said since there was a "pregnancy" things would be rough. Ugh! Then she called and wanted me to describe the pain.  I won't lie.  I am not good at that at all.  I said something like, "It hurts straight across the middle and down to my feet."

She told me to keep her posted because she wanted to make sure that she didn't miss the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.  I was thinking.....NO WAY! She is obviously crazy.  Anyway, she told me to get day three blood work, along with another beta.

Two days later, I got the job done, which probably surprised her since I'd been rebelling lately.  Get this: my beta was a 10.  Yes. A TEN!  Just like before.  So now I have to go back again on Monday to test and make sure this particular ten is the result of the numbers going down.

Strangely, I am not upset or nervous.  I was for a second and threatened to spend my weekend on Google, but Witch Doctor says she is Dr. Google and has all of my answers.  I was thinking--- oh no she didn't!  I'm the real Dr. Google.

Anyway, I really don't think anything is wrong.  I think the numbers are going down.  The Husband and I are just trying to understand our insurance a little better.  We think it counts an FET as a full IVF, so we won't be wasting insurance on an FET for that solo embryo, as we are only covered for three cycles.  (Did I mention my butt is still sore from those progesterone shots?  That stuff is the devil!)

I know everyday my plan for the future changes, but at the moment we're pretty content with the idea of stemming for eggs in March.  I'm back on thyroid medicine.  Ugh!  Apparently, a TSH of 5 isn't a good sign whether you're seeking infertility treatment or not.  It's on the cusp of high.

I feel good better now, but I really think the meds did a number on me this time.  I mean, I'm still not entirely excited about my job, but I can HANDLE the frustration the way I'm used to dealing with stuff.  Last month while I was pumped full of estrogen and progesterone, I was ready to quit and move to a homeless shelter.  I had no fight left.  Ridiculous!

I'm dumping the shrink too.  I went through all of this and didn't need or want to talk to her.  I'm tired of talking to her about it.  I definitely needed her when I started, but I don't think it's necessary now.  Plus, she's a really strong defender of the Witch Doctor.  It's hard to vent my frustrations to someone who is apparently her friend.  I knew they were colleagues, as Witch Doctor gave me her name, but I didn't know they were Besties.  Ugh!  But I don't know.  Next week, I might lose my little mind again.  So, we'll see.

5 days post FET #2

Tonight I will take what could be my very last progesterone shot (pio) for this cycle.  I have decided to test tomorrow because patience is NOT my middle name.

In case you're wondering, tomorrow will be six days past a five day transfer.  WooHoo!  I have had cramping on and off.  One time they felt like the ones that come before Aunt Flo.  Ugh!  I haven't had any spotting, but (TMI Warning)  I have had panty liners filled with leaks from those fantastic progesterone inserts.  Yuck!

I didn't remember being this crampy during the last FET, but upon reading some old posts, I apparently was.  This time around, I'm on so much progesterone that I'm surprised my uterus hasn't just cramped up and fallen out.  Seriously.  I'm taking two crinone inserts a day and a shot.  I've been googling to find other women who are partaking in the same protocol and have not found one.

I did find people saying they planned to ask their doctors to allow them to take both.  In those cases, the women had low progesterone levels at the time of their failure.  Being that I save every email from the witch doctor, I quickly pulled up the email detailing my progesterone levels from my last failure.  Guess what?  My level was great.  It was a 17.  Witch Doctor used the adjective, super.

Seriously, she put the word super in an email detailing my FET failure.  I wish I could put into words why I continue to stick with her.  I'm not sure she really knows what's wrong with me, but when it's time for procedures, she doesn't make me feel like an alien.  I have a tipped uterus.  I've been to doctors who couldn't get catheters and such up my canal.  Instead of remaining calm, they would basically make me feel like I had the worst body on Earth.  She never does that.  In fact, she never has problems inserting anything during any procedure (Pap smear to Transfer).  If she's having them, she doesn't let me know.  I really appreciate that.  I already feel like my body hates me and all things reproductive.  Having doctors freak out only makes the feelings worse.

But I digress....

I think my cramps are definitely a symptom of my pumped up progesterone use:-)  But there are moments when I think maybe it's implantation and it's all working.  Then I run after my dogs, get a jolt of the soreness from my butt, and remember how much progesterone I'm on.  In case you're confused, my a$$ is sore from those shots.  Running, jogging and fast walking awaken the soreness.

The hubby and I talked and decided that waiting to take the test isn't going to change the outcome.  If I get the expected failure, how I respond is my choice.  Will it hurt?  Yes.  Will I cry? likely.  But I have to let myself be upset to a point, and move on.  I never want to feel the way I felt the last time.  A part of me certainly died during that experience, but in a way it matured me.  I no longer look at everything through rose colored glasses.  Okay, one of the lenses is still rose.  I refuse to lose it.  I can't imagine life without a little bit of sunshine (rose shine?).  Now saying and doing are two different things, but I'm focused on doing.  Hopefully, I nail it.

As much as I tried to denounce God, my upbringing won't let me.  When I find myself praying, it's not for a positive.  It's for peace.  I just want peace, regardless of the outcome.

3 Days Post Transfer

I am preparing myself for a negative, per usual.  I'm hoping that the pain won't hurt as much as last time.  As you may know, I am three days post 5 day transfer.

Let me tell you what I did differently from my last transfer.
1.  I didn't take any vitamins
2.  I didn't do any acupuncture
3.  I frequent a shrink
4.  I didn't follow doctors orders after the transfer.  I stayed home one day, not two
4.  I didn't take pre-natal pills.

You are probably scratching your heads and saying I totally deserve a negative.  You know what?  You're right.  I rebelled.  I did everything that was asked of me the last time.  I mean everything. I didn't miss a pill, appointment or supplement.  Guess what?  I didn't even get a low beta.  I got no beta. It was a complete failure.

I went into this particular cycle armed with new insurance that offset the cost of this mess.  My goal was to humanely dispose of my remaining embryos.  Unlike last time, I did not look at the monitor as the doctor shot my embryos into my combative uterus.  When she handed me the picture of my embryos, I passed it straight to my husband.  I didn't even glance.  Doc and I weren't jovial like we were in the past.  Sure, she joked about me getting on her nerves when I tried to cancel the cycle, but it wasn't happy joking.  It was passive aggression on both of our parts.  It was still funny though.

But when it was over, I knew that I cared more than I wanted to.  I realized this is all really going to hurt badly.  So I am three days post transfer.  For a normal woman, the embryos would have hatched by now and started implanting.  That's not happening here.  I have been cramping since before the transfer.  All symptoms I feel are from the progesterone.  While the doctor swears my embryos are great, I don't believe her. I compared them to pictures on the Internet and they just don't look as good. I don't care what their grades are.

The husband says when this cycle is done, he wants to do another egg retrieval.  I just don't know.  I'm starting to wonder if I just can't carry.  My next option is to have a another fibroid-removal surgery, but I can't.  Elective surgeries just aren't for me.  It's such a risk and there are no guarantees.  I know this because I've already had a surgery and I still don't have a child.  I have a puppy, but I don't have a child.

Now I'm starting to wonder if I really want a baby or if I want one because I can't have one.

FET #2---Done!

Alright!  Two out of three remaining Rotties are in.

I tried to cancel this transfer or at least delay it, but Witch Doctor wasn't having it. So, it's done.  Here are the things I'd like to address.

1. Is anyone else perplexed when they're told to arrive with a full bladder, but not so full that you can't hold it?  Uhm.....Since I'm not in the habit of testing my bladder, I don't really know how much liquid will give me the desired effect of full, but not leaking.  Needless to say, I over shot it today.  I had to let out a little. Oops!

2.  The funniest thing happened when we arrived.  My husband was so freaking nervous that I was comforting him.  We both had to laugh at that.  LOL!  I reminded him that I was the one who would have a catheter rammed up my privates.  He couldn't dispute that.  All of his nervousness went away, or he pretended it did.

3.  I really hope anyone going through something like this has a really great partner.  This particular transfer was really difficult for me, as I no longer have grand illusions of being special enough to get a baby out of this.   My husband wouldn't let my misery stop his optimism.  I really love him for it. (Did I write really enough?)

Since I'm supposed to test on Christmas, which is a Wednesday, Doc told me just to get my blood drawn on Monday.  I'm still torn, guys.  I've been through this before.  No matter how you prepare, a negative hurts TREMENDOUSLY.  However, I also have no patience.  But I think my need to not spiral into sadness and enjoy my Father-in-law's visit, will actually outweigh my impatience.  My Father-in-law's birthday is Christmas Eve for goodness sake.

We'll see.  I'm just resting now, and trying to get out all of my thoughts.  Hopefully, that will keep me from obsessing over it in the days to come.

Oh...switching subjects now.  Last night, a friend of mine told me she'd just found out she was pregnant with twins.  I'm happy for her, but heartbroken for me.  I love my friend, but she wasn't infertile.  She didn't get pregnant in three months, freaked out, and lied to her doctor to get clomid.  Now she's having twins.  I'll be by her side, as MY dream comes true for her.  Again, I'm happy for her, but it still stings ALOT.  *bitter, party of one over here :-) *

Side Note:  I will continue estrogen shots every three days.  Plus, I'll take progesterone shots and inserts daily.  Yay for butt shots!

Tuesday Transfer

Woot, Woot! Or Non-woot, Non-woot?  Tomorrow is my transfer date.  Yay for FET #2?

You can just go ahead and call me an infertility veteran now.  Can I get a Purple Heart or something? I'm pretty sure I'm a wounded infertility warrior.

I went to the doctor last week with the plan of having a transfer this upcoming Friday, but low and behold, my lining was thickening faster than Witch Doctor expected (I've been taking estrogen shots every three days).  However, she wouldn't admit to under estimating my response to medication.  She just did the usual:  She Ooh'd and Awed over my lining, beamed with joy and said, "We can do this as early as Tuesday."  Then she kind of put the pressure on for us to move forward with Tuesday.

I was all game, until she told me I had to start progesterone shots that night.  That was a no go!  I was headed to my parents house for the weekend and I was not giving myself butt shots, nor asking my mother to do it for me.  I know she's seen my bottom before, but believe me---it's changed since infancy.

Soooo Witch Doctor gave me a box of progesterone vaginal inserts and sent me on my merry way.  BUT, we have a second issue.  She only wants to transfer two of the three remaining embryos.  Ugh!  I reminded her that it was her idea to transfer three, and that's why we decided to move forward.  I want to use them all and just close this particular IVF/FET chapter.  Per usual, Witch Doctor remained calm and told me that we'd take it step by step.  If the best two don't look that great, she'll have the embryologist thaw the third, and she'll dump them all in for one big happy party. 

I know for her this is an ethics issue, so four days later I tried to persuade her again.  I reminded her that I'm not octomom.  I don't have a history of IVF/fertility success:

1. My three-follicle IUI failed

2.  My two genetically-tested embryos failed

3.  I never took birth control pills (or any chemical form of contraceptives) before infertility treatment, yet I've never even been a little bit pregnant.

In not so may words, I explained that she'd be humanely disposing of said embryos, but she wouldn't bite the bait.  She's sticking with her plan.  So, let's all hope T & L don't have to go to the transfer dance without C (I've dubbed these embryos 'The Rotties' and 'TLC'.  TLC, after the 90s r & b group, is more positive, right? Unless you think about Left Eye's demise, but I digress.)

Since my transfer is Tuesday/Tomorrow, I will only do one day of bed rest, which is against Witch Doctor's wishes.  However, Dr. Google tells me that the bed rest thing is largely subjective.  Each doctor has his or her own theory that really has no scientific backing.  I can't take off two days.  I'm coming off vacation.  It's bad enough that I have to call in sick the day I'm supposed to return from vacation.  I'm sure my boss will not be happy.

The best part of this all is that I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test on Christmas. LOL!  I'm not doing that.  Or Maybe I will.  I'll have a day to sulk.  I don't know.  I think I'll test the 26th.  That way I won't be able to have a complete meltdown because I'll have to go to work.

Ok...the real BEST part is that this will be all over before the New Year, which is what I wanted.  I get a fresh start for 2014.  God, I am so ready for that fresh start.

That's probably more than anyone wanted to know, but if you made it this far, thanks so much for listening.

Debby Downer

I know this is the time to be all thankful and grateful, but whatever.  2013 has been a total bitch for me, so I'll be the Debby Downer that says 'eff' all this happy shiz.

1.  I hate my new job and I plan to quit it in six months.  That's if I'm lucky enough to find a new job, or they fire me so I can collect unemployment.  However, I am thankful that, at the moment, the insurance is paying for this FET.

2.  I hate IVF and infertility.   I would still be the sweet, optimistic person who found the positive in everything, had a never jumped into this mess.

3.  I wish there was a way to tell my mother that I'm not being mean or disrespectful when I don't take her calls.  She just happens to call when I am at my lowest moments.  I feel it's better not to share those moments with her.  You'd think since she knows I've had my ass kicked in every possible way this year, she'd figure it out.  Instead, she chooses to label me as being somehow rebellious, even though I'm 33.  What the hell do I have to rebel against?

4.  It was great to meet a woman who boasted about her ability to grow really big babies.  She went on to recommend that I smoke during my third trimester of pregnancy to make small ones.  HaHaHa!!  How funny, right?  EXCEPT I CAN'T GET PREGNANT.  HAHAHAHAHA!  If at some point IVF works for me, there's a large chance I'd have a premature child. HAHAHAHA!  I guess smoking would make that all better for me, right?  Oh fertile people...so funny.

Can't you tell I'm in a glorious mood for the holidays?  I'm so excited that I get to mix this attitude with a round of estrogen and progesterone shots.  2013 just keeps getting better.  Thank goodness there's only a month of it left.

In 2014, The new puppy, Wally, and I will waste as much time and money as possible learning agility.  That's if Roxie doesn't kill him first.  I am thankful for my very patient husband, my extended family and my precious, precious puppies.  I wouldn't have made it this far without Roxie.  And although Wally is loud and needs to sleep later in the morning, he is a great addition to our pack.

Game On

Soooo...It looks like this month I will be transferring the "Rotties."  However, after a lot of thinking, I've decided to name them TLC.  You know? After the girl group from the 90s... I figure those girls were just as wild and rotten as my remaining embryos.

I had my third HSG this week.  It was far better than the last one.  Even though I got it done outside the doctor's office, the Witch Doctor came to the hospital to perform it herself.  Thank Goodness.  You know I like to insult her, but I have to give credit where it is due.  She made the process a lot easier.  However, there was still drama in the radiology room.

Witch Doctor: "(to me) I'm sorry, I didn't warm up this instrument for you.  It's going to be a little cold. Ok?

Me: "Ok."

Other Doctor:  "Why don't you use a plastic one. It won't be cold?"

Witch Doctor:  "The plastic one hurts so much.  Metal is better for comfort."

Other Doctor:  "But you can do so much more with the plastic."

Witch Doctor:  "I'm okay with using the metal on my patients."

Uhhmmm...It felt like 'Other Doctor' didn't realize a real human being was on the table listening to all of this.  I was glad Witch Doctor stuck to her guns.  The insertion was no problem.  Of course when that dye went through my nether regions, there was a painful amount of cramping.  It wasn't anything I couldn't handle.  Keep in mind, I didn't take any meds.  I forgot to bring my ibuprofen along with me because I'm clearly a genius.

So now I'm waiting for the results from that.  As it stands my protocol will be different from the last transfer.  Witch doctor has prescribed estrogen shots.  She says, "they go in your tooshie.  you can totally handle it."  I'm glad she's all-knowing.  I haven't had to deal with any butt shots, so this is a new endeavor for me.  We shall see how it works out.

Once this transfer is over, I'll likely disappear from the TTC world.  I'll still blog and read blogs, but I won't undergo any procedures.  I need to save up for the next round of complete IVF.  My insurance covers a decent amount, but not all of it.  I'm NEVER taking out a loan for something like this again. Remember! No cash. No IVF.  Defeat is much easier when the impact of debt does NOT follow it.

Mini Updates

Random Conversation

Me: I really don't think the doctor is very invested in this transfer.  I had to ask her about vitamins and supplements

Hubby:  I think she's afraid of you.  You can use this to your advantage to get great care.

Although I like to call the RE witch doctor, I certainly hope she's not afraid of me.  I'm all bark and absolutely no bite.  I barely even bark.  It's more like a whimper.  I guess I shouldn't worry about supplements and such since I took everything under the sun last time, and still got a negative.

Random Crying

I cried when I read a blog about a woman having twins, after five IVFs.  I cried when I found out a woman I'd never met had her adoption cancelled at the last moment. The birth mother changed her mind.  Finally, I cried when I watched a YouTube video of a woman who had a healthy set of IUI triplets.  They actually started out as quintuplets.

Wally

The puppy comes home on Saturday.  I think we may have gone a little overboard in preparation for his arrival.  It's kind of exciting and sad.  I am pretty sure that instead of being a cat lady, I'll be the dog lady.  I'll have like five Australian Shepherds on a rundown piece of property in the back hills of some country town.

Roxie

She is queen of the castle and the car.  There's not much more to say than that.

Bad Breakup

I decided to dump my shrink.  That woman is costing me too much damn money.  I came up with a plan, practiced it in my mind, and prepared to execute it.  But things didn't work out that way.  WTF?!

Here's what happened...

I decided to move forward with my final transfer with my rotten embryos, dubbed "The Rotties."  I figured that I no longer needed the shrink because if I use The Rotties, that effectively ends this chapter of my life.  However, I hadn't found a way to talk to my Hubby about this.  Somehow with the help of the Shrink, I got it all out.

I said that I was ready to do this, but only because I want to be done.  I wanted it all over by December 31st. My husband...he's still very hopeful.  It's hard sometimes because I can't be like that anymore.  It cost me too much last time, but it's selfish to snuff out his joy, right?

The doctor reminded me...us...that nothing we feel is wrong and no ones feelings should be discounted.   She said my emotions will swell and I have to deal with that.

Damn!  With that, I couldn't dump her.  I realized I will need her guidance at least until this entire ordeal is over.  I just wish her services and trained wisdom were free.

So I emailed the witch doctor to get the party started.  She told me that if my cycle starts on time, the transfer and two week wait should be complete before the start of 2014.  I'd prefer to end 2013 with a negative, instead of starting the new year with such bad news.  I did that at the beginning of this year and it sucked.  Aside from my new job, this entire year sucked.

I didn't really know how I was going to pay for this, as my savings is depleted and I have a big loan to pay from the failed cycle.  Imagine my excitement when the doctor's office called to say that with my insurace, the bill for the transfer should be about $280.  Say what?  However, my insurance company could not say if the transfer would be counted as one of the three lifetime IVFs they help cover.

My doctor's office doesn't think it should, but of course, it's not their call.  Well, I can afford $280.  So yeah...All "Three Rotties" are going in and after December, I won't have to pay their rent anymore.  I'll be an empty-nester?  But I'll still make payments for that pesky loan that financed their creation.

Please remember that IVF is for suckers!

One of THOSE women

I cried myself to sleep last night, as I continued to chant how much I still want babies.  You've probably read this statement a lot on my blog, but I thought I was past this phase.  I'm tired of crying and being sad about being infertile.

There's something I've been tossing around.  I think I'm going to stop lying when people ask me why I don't have children.  I lie to keep them from feeling awkward, but it just leaves me feeling sad.  Why should I protect them at my own expense?  I mean REALLY!  It's one thing to ask someone if they have children.  It's entirely something else when you follow up with, "why don't you have children?"

I would pose all of this to my shrink, but she will be on vacation this week.  Let me tell you, I'm kind of freaking out about this.  I've become one of "those women."  I need my damn shrink.  Why do shrinks need vacations anyway?  What do they do all day?  Talk to people?  Who needs a vacation from that?

I've been told that the process of mourning takes a year to work its way through your psyche.  I'm three months in.  I thought I was on the accelerated track, but after last night, I'm pretty sure I'm average.

If I had been special, blessed or privileged enough to have a successful FET, I would be three months pregnant now.  Buuut...woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?

Shrink says the desire for children won't ever go away.  Isn't that shitty?  It's like I'm chasing my tail trying to find peace, but that damn tail just keeps getting in the way.  So my new job keeps my mind off the baby thing during the week, except when nosey folks ask why I don't have children.  I guess the weekends are when it all blows over and I short-circuit.

It Ain't Over

I got a new job.  I'm going to the competitor of my old employer.  So!  My old boss walked me out, after I handed in my two week notice. That means I'm sitting in the house chilling until my new job begins.

That gives me lots of time to think about my infertility, my shrink and my embryos.  You're probably wondering how and where my husband fits into all of this.  Well, he's omnipresent in all of those things.

Anyway back to my soap opera entitled, "As The Infertility Turns."

Before the show begins, we should have a recap of the past.  

The long-suffering and hard-working infertile, Erika failed in her IVF attempt.  She spiraled into a strange depression, took too many pills, went to a shrink and is now on the road to recovery?

Now onto the new episode.

After weeks of visiting a shrink, crying and spilling her guts, Erika's not-so-secret cloud of anger has dissipated.  Instead of nearly killing herself trying to get over her desire for children, she's embracing it.  (some may consider that dumb.  It's kind of like the crackhead embracing the desire for crack? Whatever!)

Erika has come to terms with the fact that she will return to the infertility world at some point because she has three embryos and she's tired of paying for their frozen dorm.

Alright, I'm dropping the third person. It's strange.

I've decided that at some point, I will transfer the three remaining embryos.  This time it's not with the hope of having children.  It's to be done with the entire situation.  It will probably be a year before I do it because I'm starting a new job.  I need to concentrate 110% on that.  An FET wouldn't allow for that.

Anyway I've decided that it will kind of be like an infertile version of 'Survivor.'

Can my three girls survive that mine field that is my body?

I won't deny my desire for children because that was part of my mental break.  I have to just deal with the desire and the sadness it brings.  It's not bad and I can still smile.  I can still cry over it and it's not the end of the world.

Now back to, "As The Infertility Turns!"

Erika must now tuck her tail between her legs (I've been hanging with my dog too much.  I'm starting to mimic her), and go back to the witch doctor.  Erika needs a Pap smear and doesn't want to deal with a gynecologist and answering all of those questions about her troubled lady parts.  The witch doctor already knows about them.  Erika's insurance likely won't cover the visit, but Erika is willing to pay just to avoid telling another soul about this tricky infertility journey.

Listen To Me!

If you are considering IVF and you can't pay cash for it, DON'T DO IT.  Listen to me, PLEASE!  It sucks being in debt for something that failed. Seriously! If  you don't have the cash, don't do it.  It's that simple.  Don't fall for the con job.  No cash, no IVF.  That's it.  I used to think people who advised this were bitter.  They are.  They are bitter and smart.  They know. LISTEN!

I took out a $20,000+ loan for this crap based on the doctor office's calculations.  Well guess what?  I just got a bill in the mail for another $1700 dollars.  It's for stuff that should have been covered in the money that was already sent to the damn office.  I sent a detailed and nasty email to them, to which I received a response saying they will investigate.  GREAT!

Also, keep up with all of your receipts.  Don't be an idiot like me.

Anyway back to the bill.  The Doctor sent me two detailed sheets of my charges and payments.  Apologized for including the $1300 FET, which was already paid.  She also said she'd waive the additional charges since they weren't properly explained to me.  She dropped this gem too.

"I don't get involved in things like this but in this case, I have decided to be the one to follow-up because of how important you are to me."

Important my ass.  Once again, I told her I didn't want her charity.  I sent her a check (I didn't call in my credit card number because someone forgot to post the payment I tried to make in June so I could be done with this sh*t) for the near $400.  She's really getting on my nerves with that crap.  Either she was cheating me to begin with, she knows she did something wrong or she thinks I want a handout.  I won't begin to explain the stereotypes that conjures up for me.  It really angers me.  I don't want anything for free. I know it was my choice to undergo those treatments.  I don't expect anyone to pick up the tab, but me.  I just don't like STUPID mistakes.

For the most part, her staff is excellent, but seriously! To charge someone for something they've already paid for, after it has failed.... Why don't you just stab me in the stomach?  No really.  That would be easier to handle.

There is a good part to all of this.  As I mentioned before, I did a piss poor job keeping up with receipts and such.  Well, now they are all printed out on a nice spread sheet.  Plus, I paid for everything with a credit card, so I'm able to print out the payments for meds.  I'm not sure exactly what I can use during tax time, but I'm sure it's something.  Now I don't have to ask for this stuff later.  Hooray for me!

Now, I'm just hoping to be done with all of this for good.  I've paid every bill that's come my way.  Hopefully no more will arrive.  I need to just be finished with it.

Remember!  No cash, no IVF.  Say no to IVF loans.  Just say NO!

Still Crying?

Just when I thought I was finished crying over this sh*t, I cried some more.  What the f*ck?

Period:

The B*tch made me cry.  She made me cry.  She reminded me of my defect. I'm infertile.  I get a period every month, but I can't make babies.  Thanks for that awesome reminder, Period.  I wonder how you'll feel when I schedule that hysterectomy on your ass.

Adoption:

I thought I'd get to a point where I'd be ready to think about it.  I don't want to adopt.  It's too much drama. I want my kids, not someone else's.  It's funny because my Mother and I had the worst fight of our lives over the issue of adoption.  She said some pretty mean things about it, at a time when I thought there was a chance I might attempt it.  Her thoughts on it didn't influence me at all.  I'll tell you what did.

1. I saw some old friends who adopted a child from out of the country.  They were happy and beautiful, but their stories of getting to that point scared me.  I don't have the mother's patience or compassion.  I just don't.

2. A co-worker's daughter just met her birth-mother for the first time.  I think she's like nine.  She came to tell me that the name given to her by her birth-mother is the same as mine.  Her father didn't seem bothered by it.  I did.  I couldn't imagine parenting and loving a child, only to ultimately compete with the birth-mother's love.  Not my cup of tea.

Another FET:

Not happening. Nope not ever.  I'm over the kid thing.  I'm not strong enough to keep fighting.  So I'm not fighting.  The only reason I won't have the remaining embryos destroyed is because my conscious can't handle it. 

I don't believe in miracles anymore, but I'll get into that later.  I don't want to hear stories about women who tried for decades, and one day popped up pregnant.  That's not my story.  As I close in on 33, I know that will never be my story.  Every month I still hope for a shocking pregnancy, but that's just because I'm dumb. *shoulder shrug*

Exercise:

I'm still fat.  I had to take off a week.  I tweaked my knee badly.   I even had a limp.  I plan to get some new shoes and start the Turbo Fire  program from the beginning when I return home.

God:

This is going to turn off a lot of  people, but I no longer believe in God.  It's odd because by default, I talk to this supposed deity daily and say grace before I eat.  They are habits I am working to break.  Infertility knocked the faith right out of me.  Praying won't get you anything.  Hard work gets you things, but sometimes that's not even enough.  Something is either meant for you or it's not.  

Religion is a con served up to keep those struggling from giving up and committing suicide.  I mean poor people pray their entire lives for comfort, but guess what?  Things don't get easier, their children starve, they suffer from illnesses because they can't afford medical care, and when they die, there's no money for a proper funeral.  Yet! they are some of the most devoted.

I was devastated after my FET failed, but once I stopped questioning why God did this and that, it got easier.  Once I realized there was no God and there were no spirits waiting to become my children, it got easier.  I didn't say I don't cry, but it's easier.  Now, I don't feel I owe a God anything, nor does it owe me anything.  The only being or entity I'm indebted to, is my MOM and boy is the world lucky for that.

I'm not here to preach against God.  If you believe, good for you.  Glad it works.

I was able to type out that entire thing, but just last week when I was asked if I believe in God, I couldn't denounce him out loud.  I simply said I was raised to believe in God.  So there... I'm a sucka!

Failure, Periods and Planes

So my transfer experience seemed to be ideal up until the last days.  8 days past transfer, I walked into a Quest diagnostics lab to have my blood drawn in Florida.  I asked the lab tech if my doctor would get the results that day.  She said yes.

Uhm...yeah I didn't get those results until Tuesday, which was 11 days past transfer.  The lab left a message on my phone apologizing for the delay.  That was one call I wished I hadn't missed. I wanted curse until the cows came home.  Oh well.

I already knew the truth. Monday I took a home test and just like all of my previous home tests, it was negative before the pee could dry.  I emailed the RE to ask when my period would start.  That Broad convinced my husband that there was a high chance that the home test was wrong.  Excuse me!  I didn't know you needed a medical degree to read a home pregnancy test.  Sooo, my demands that he fly me back home fell on deaf ears.  I'm still angry with him about that. I was stuck in Florida at my best friend's house dealing with the fact that my body killed my twins, I'm $30,000 in debt and I'll probably never have friends again because they are all getting pregnant and we have nothing in common at this point.

I didn't want my Bestie and her Fiance to see me like that. I basically avoided her the rest of the trip.  Just looking at her made me cry.  It was horrible....torture really.

Anyway, Hubs and I went to lunch and I immediately ordered a margarita.  Do you know that a$$ had the nerve to try to stop me?  He begins a secret email conversation with the witch-doctor known as my RE, which leads to her calling me.  I didn't even answer. She is the only person from a blocked number who calls my phone.  I knew it was her and I handed the phone to him.

She asked him to put me on speaker and she went through her spiel. "Erika, this is the hardest part of my job."  I was thinking, "REALLY?! Why don't you try walking in my flip flops, Jerk!"

The rest of her speech sounded like this,  "blah blah...infertility science isn't perfect...blah blah...the good thing is you still have three frozen embryos ready to go home...blah blah...I think you need another HSG....I think your right tube may have fluid...blah blah...Erika, just keep showing up."

Whatever! I'm not showing up, People. I am out of money. I am more broke than I've ever been in my entire life.  Sometimes you have to know when to throw in the towel.  It's my time.  So, I'm mourning my twins.  It hurts.  It hurts to know I killed them.  Now, I'm just learning how to navigate knowing I'll never have kids.  I don't want to adopt and all of that other stuff, so it's cool.

So back to failure, periods and planes....

That jerk of an RE told me my period would start four to five days, after I stopped medication.  SHE WAS WRONG...AGAIN!  My period started exactly three days after I stopped medication.  That meant I was stuck on a plane with the worst cramps ever.  I popped eight advil on that plane, while my husband complained that I was going to make myself sick.  I rarely want to kill that man, but if I would have had a loaded weapon anytime from Monday to Wednesday, I would have shot him without blinking an eye.  I wouldn't have been on a plane with cramps, had he booked my emergency flight home on Monday, like I asked.

The drugs finally kicked in and I slept until we reached our layover.  That's where I found out why the pain was so bad, I was trying to pass a clot.  You can't really do that with a tampon rammed up your privates on a plane.  I took six more Advil and I've been fine since, minus a cramp here or there.

I was so pissed at the witch doctor that I sent her an email to let her know that she was WRONG about the start of my period.  That a$$ wrote back, and asked me to make an appointment for early next week.  I told her no because I am out of money and can no longer afford her.  She replied that she wouldn't charge for the visit.  I really must have dumb a$$ written on my forehead.  I've already been charged for the visit.  It's included in the FET.  It's the failure chat. Ugh!  I just don't want to see her in person because I'll probably end up in jail.  My Mother would be mortified.

I politely replied, "don't you have children to feed?  You don't need to do charity cases.  Take care."

7 Days Post FET

Thank you so much for all of the positive vibes. My husband actually read the last blog and quickly began researching to dispute claims of predicting pregnancy with pulse.  He took time out of his day to come to my office and make sure I was ok.  I kept chanting Stick and Grow, until I mustered the strength to ask all of my praying folks to say an extra prayer for me and if they know about the twins, I asked them to pray for them too.

This morning I was better.  I wasn't blissfully positive, but I wasn't in the dumps either.  The closer we get to the Beta, the more of a reality this whole thing becomes.  Ya know?  I mean I am pregnant.  I saw the twins land in my uterus, but this test could...well you know.

We are in Florida today.

I spent most of the day travelling.  I am still not feeling any real pregnancy symptoms.  My uterus is crampy, but it's always crampy. It's one of my signs that the ol' period is coming, but I'm guessing the hormones are keeping it at bay for now.  I'm peeing up a storm, but that's because I have to drink so much water to take all of my hormones and supplements.  LOL

And speaking of drugs and supplements, have you ever tried travelling with all of that stuff.  OMG.  I have baggies, pill bottles and everything else you can think of stuffed with all my "magic" stuff:-)  Per usual, I was comparing myself to a 80-year-old and questioning how they keep up with all the pills.  When we got on the plane, my Husband found an electronic pill holder in the flight magazine.  We laughed so hard.  He said he'd buy it for me, until he saw it was more than $250.

As for the twins, you know the drill by now: STICK AND GROW.  Despite my uncertainty about how they are fairing, I still chant it to push the negative thoughts away.  Guess what?  Tomorrow is the big blood test.  I can't bring myself to pee on a stick, so  I'll just be waiting for Beta results.  My RE, who I love to love and love to hate, is just as anxious as I am.  Since I am getting my blood drawn in Florida and she is in California, I emailed her to find out the likelihood of me getting the results on Saturday.  She told me she wasn't sure, but told me to email her the number of the facility and put her name and cell phone number on my lab slip.  She's going to do what she can on her end to get those results.  So my fingers are crossed that we get GOOD results by Saturday night.

As I type this, I'm kind of wishing I wasn't such a punk.  I want to hire someone to make me pee on the stick:-)

Tonight I get to see my bestie in person for the first time in 9 months and tomorrow we celebrate her last days as a Bachelorette!!!

Who's excited?  Oh...that would be ME!!

#FINISH
#TWINSBESTRONG

I figure these embryos have to be fighters.  I'm stubborn and so is my father-in-law.  Seriously, they have to be stubborn enough to stick and grow.

6 Days Post FET

Ugh...My acupuncture dude kind of knocked the wind out of my sails today.  He said my pulse felt weak and not "big" enough for pregnancy.  He kept telling me stories about women who kept trying and it finally worked.  These little anecdotes didn't make me feel any better.  He went on to poke me with one needle in the top of my head and sent me on my way.

Since that moment, I've been trying to connect with the twins, hoping that they will hear my chant of stick and grow. But I'm not sure..I mean doubt is creeping in more than it has for the past week.  I kind of want to curl up on my new comfy couch, suck my thumb (which I haven't done since I was about seven), and rest.  I can't do that because I have to work to pay off my infertility debts.

I'm not going to sneak a test today because it could quite possibly break me. Instead, I'm focusing on finishing this work day, packing tonight and hopping a plane tomorrow.

I've set up an appointment to get my Beta tested in Florida on Saturday, but I might skip it. I don't know. I'm kind of sad right now.

Here's to hoping my babies are ignoring my poor attitude and sticking and growing...AND that a giant, tasty cookie falls from the sky and into my lap.

#FINISH

5 Days Post FET

I'm still chanting stick and grow, Guys.  I made it through day five.  At one point, I was pretty sure that was I going to march out and buy myself a home pregnancy test for tomorrow.  Buuuut....I can't.  I can't do it.  I think I will hold out until Friday morning, before we fly to Florida.

As for Thursday, I have lots to do. I have laundry duty, acupuncture and work....and packing. Yikes!  Such a strange week.


#FINISH

4 Days Post FET

I have a picture of the twins on my phone. It's actually my lock screen. I want to show everyone how awesome they are.  Strange, right?!

I am a bit crampy and I'm a bit concerned it's the fibroids talking, but each time that seeps into my mind I chant, "STICK AND GROW!"

I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow. My acupuncture dude totally freaked me out. He said to make sure the washer just scrubs my head.  No massages.  Massages of the shoulders and the like can cause the uterus to contract. OMG!  I have naturally kinky hair so I only get it washed every two weeks, unless I'm in workout mode or swimming (i can't swim. it's more like playing in the water). My scalp needs a good scrubbing and massage.  Now I have to find a tactful way to tell the wash girl to scrub...hard, but no massage, not even when working in the conditioner. "Stick and Grow!"

I'm contemplating just doing it myself. That means it will be clean, but look like something out of a very bad 70s film.  **sigh**

On Thursday, acupuncture dude is going to stick needles in my head to try to calm the uterus.

Friday, I head to Florida.

Saturday, I pee on a stick and try to find a lab to take my blood test.  Afterwards, I'm off to my Bestie's bachelorette party. OMG!  "Stick and Grow!"

Grow and Stick

Guys, the transfer went well.  The embryos were beautiful and just about every second, I tell them to stick and grow.

Our RE's office asked us to get to the appointment 15 minutes early.  My beyond prompt husband got us there a half hour early.  To our surprise, they took us to the back immediately.  My bladder was filled with about four bottles of water and READY!

When we got to the room, I thought we'd be in there for a while since we were so early, but No.  The ultrasound tech gave my full bladder the thumbs up, the RE came in and started prepping her instruments of torture, while walking me through what I should expect after the transfer.

She told me my mind will play the meanest tricks ever on me, but she said every time it happens, say Stick and Grow.  You best believe I have employed that trick about a million times already.

Within minutes, the room was filled with not just me and hubby, but the ultrasound tech, the RE and the embryologist.  Holy Crap! I met a real, live embryologist and I didn't even get to pick her brain about finding her way to such an amazing job.

Folks this group was top notch...at least I think so.  I've never done this before. But WOW!  Hubby and I were stunned with how fast it all happened.

The ultrasound Tech said to imagine the screen as a golf course, of which we're getting an aerial view.  She said our goal was to get the embryos into the sand trap so they would stick and grow. YESSSS!

Doc was down there applying torture devices to my lady parts.  She explained each step, but I couldn't really focus on that.  I was apparently enjoying my 5mg of valium and the view of the ultrasound.

I should add that this was my first ultrasound where there wasn't an invasive wand involved.  Buut...other things were pulling at my privates.

Doc threaded in the catheter and all the medical professionals let out big sighs and smiles.  As I looked around confused, the ultrasound tech explained that THAT was actually the hardest part for the RE.  Well hell, if that was the hardest moment, things were looking good.

From there, the embryologist went back into a room, and got a stick-looking thing that she swears contained my twins.  She handed them over to Doc, who promptly put them where they belong---with me.

It was actually quite amazing.  The embryos looked like  a burst of light as they landed. So cool!

So in seven days, I'll take a pregnancy test.  I know they are sticking and growing towards a BFP!  I'm talking to them constantly.  I can't let the negative in.  Stick and Grow.

#FINISH

I Know The Lingo

My RE's office emailed me yesterday with the time of my transfer.  We are officially one day away (hooray!!).  Anyway, I promptly texted my husband to let him know it wouldn't interfere with the delivery of a new couch.  The couch was no big deal.  We just didn't know if we'd need to delay the delivery.  Husband sent back the texts below.

I laughed so hard.  He knows the lingo...LOL!



I'm all anxious and excited. I have to tell my Boss today that I won't be in tomorrow. Yikes!  I'm not really scared or nervous about the transfer, which may be due to my acupuncture session. Of course, I still have a full day to get through.


The list of instructions were simple from the RE's office:

1. Arrive 15 minutes before appointment time.
2. Take a valium 30 minutes before the appointment
3. Make sure I have a full bladder, but not so full that I can't hold it for 45 minutes.

Ok...let's talk about number 3.  What the hell does that mean?  LOL!  I don't know how full is too full for my bladder because when I have to go, I generally don't set a timer to see how long I can go before I burst.   Now back to the list...

4. Bring a progesterone suppository to the appointment.


I am slightly confused about this one.  My drug list calls for a morning suppository. I just want them to clarify if I should take one before the appointment or not.  I'm guessing not, but then I don't really want to ram anything else up the ol' private area so soon after folks have been messing with it, ya know? So I'd prefer to take it before the transfer.  I just sent them an email to ask.  I'm sure I'm just over-thinking the situation. Ha!

FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER....HERE I COME!!!