Who Puked?

Who puked, you ask?  It was me. I puked after the IUI.  I thought that was supposed to happen after the New Year's Eve toast and a vat of liquor.

Soo...I guess I didn't adequately research this IUI situation.  It started off smoothly.  My doctor talked me through every step.  Feet in the stir ups, inserting this here, applying this there and voila!  I was done. She told me to lie on the table for at least ten minutes before we could leave.  I stayed there for 15 minutes for good measure.

As each minute ticked by, I got cramps and THEY GREW STRONGER. I started to have a minor freak out.  Mind you, before the procedure started she told me that I'd have cramps, but I thought she meant I'd possibly feel ovulation later tonight. I was obviously mistaken.  By the time we  left, I couldn't fake it anymore. I was grimacing with my head on hubby's shoulder.  The doctor saw me and called me back in her office.  Her words, " I got you good."  I was in so much pain I couldn't laugh.  She hit the top of my uterus just like she wanted and my body was indeed reacting to it.  It reacted so much that I started feeling nauseous.  She prescribed me some meds, but I didn't fill the prescription. I'm a big girl.

When hubby and I hit the hall, I knew I wasn't going to make it to the car.  We ran into the nearest bathroom and I tossed my cookies.  I guess that's a poor term for this situation.  Since I hadn't eaten anything, there wasn't a single cookie in there.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way.  Here are some of the highlights from today's session.

The Semen Sample: 

My husband is a task master.  The night before he laid out our plan. We had to be up at a certain time to walk and feed the dogs, take our showers, get dressed and have everything we needed waiting downstairs.  Once he finished his deposit, he wanted to get in the car immediately and that's exactly what we did.  I had his half of a potential baby tucked away under my shirt in my very small bosom.  He forgot to write his name on it, so he freaked out a bit because I had already handed it over to the nurse. No harm, no foul.  They knew it was his and labeled it as such.

It turns out that his antibiotics worked. The doctor said she didn't find any of those pesky misshapen ones in this batch.

My Crazy Doctor: 

This woman keeps me laughing.  Her top quotes today:

"I'm inserting the super swimmers into your very fertile looking uterus."  Who says that?

She asked Hubby if he wanted to actually insert the sample.  I didn't let him answer. I quickly said NO! No time for novices.  To that she replied, "OK. Don't come after me for child support."

Me: 

I felt sensations in the days leading up to my trigger shot. I wouldn't call them cramps. but I was very aware that my ovaries were working.  After the shot, I didn't feel them as much. As I told you above, I definitely felt CRAMPS and nauseous, after the IUI.  About five to ten minutes after I threw up, I was fine.  Again, I am aware of my nether regions, but I definitely am not feeling cramps at the moment.

Love:

I don't know what the future holds for me and my husband, but no matter what happens I will always love him dearly for today.  His kindness, care and words were more than anything I could have asked for. He was so calm, so positive and encouraging.

Strangeness:

The IUI/Insemination situation is so strange.  It's kind of like you just had sex without the sex. I've learned from this cycle that I don't like the Trigger shot and I sure as hell am not crazy about the IUI. I hope and pray this works.  I hope and pray that I don't lose my mind over the next two weeks.

I have to start taking progesterone tomorrow.

#2013BABYRASS

Trigger on Ice

It's date night, people.  For many of you, that means dressing up, putting on makeup and eating a fancy dinner.  That's not for me, not tonight.  I have a trigger shot on ice (well, not really. It's in the fridge).  *cue the sexy music*

When Hubby gets home, I'll have some queso waiting for him (or almost ready) and he will prepare to shoot me up with HCG.  It's the pregnancy hormone that will hopefully get my ovaries to drop some eggs in the next 36-48 hours.  I need them to be on time because we have an IUI scheduled for Monday!!!

Holy Crap! I am so excited.  My doctor moved up my follicle check appointment because of scheduling conflicts and lo and behold, I was ripe, people.  I had three follicles that measured 20+.  She said it looks like things happen for a reason.  She mixed up the trigger shot (HCG) and sent us home with instructions to "shoot up," "bed down (baby dance)" and prepare for insemination.

INSEMINATION...I am really trying to accept that word.  Every time I think about it, I think of horses and bull dogs...you know animals?! LOL!  Whatever!  I am grateful for this blessing.  I KNOW it will work.  It's just a matter of it will be this month or another.  I mean look at all the bulldog puppies running around....

Last night as my husband and I talked about today's appointment, he told me he had a vision of us walking out smiling.  His vision became reality because we did leave with smiles and pictures of what the doctor called potential halves of my baby's DNA.  I hope he has another good vision: me pregnant, holding a winning lottery ticket:-)

Anyways, this little jump in plans means I had to trade schedules with someone.  Now I will not get off work on New Year's Eve until 10pm.  But who cares, right?  Yay!!!

****fingers crossed****

Ohhhh...this infertility roller coaster ride!!!! As you can see, I'm "up" at the moment.  I don't want to go down.

Picking Me Apart

Merry Christmas, everyone. I know you all are with family and focused on something other than your fertility.  Unfortunately, I am thousands of miles away from my family and my husband has to work. That means I am left with my crazy thoughts.  While I have some things on my mind, I figured I should go ahead and write them out.


My husband and I completed labs for my doctor last week.  So far, here's what we know:


1. Hubby has lots of sperm, but the doctor is concerned with their shape.  She thinks there are too many overly-round ones.  She gave him antibiotics. I am not really sure as to why. I have to get a more detailed answer. She just kept saying there may be an infection, but we don't have STDs.  We had this conversation over the phone.  She wanted him on the meds immediately in hopes that this issue will be resolved before I ovulate this month.


2.  My thyroid is on the high end.  My TSH levels measured at 3.58.  My doctor immediately sent me an email saying this could, "totally be affecting my ability to conceive."  My thyroid is sluggish. She says my TSH levels should be 2.5 and under for optimum fertility possibilities.  I did some research and learned that a sluggish thyroid can lead to weight gain, prevent ovulation and cause a shortened luteal phase.  Of course there are plenty of cases where people with hypothyroidism get pregnant with no problem.  So this may not be the issue at all.  She prescribed thyroid medicine for me and assured me that it should begin working within days.  The hope is that my TSH levels will drop in time for my ovulation.

3.  Femara: as a I mentioned before I am taking femara this month.  I am taking 5 MG on Cycle days 3-7.  Tonight will be my final night.  So far I haven't really felt any symptoms. I'm not really sure that I should feel any yet.  I am supposed to begin using Ovulation prediction strips on CD 10.  From that point we have been ordered to "baby dance"every other night.  I'll have my follicle check on New Year's Eve.  If things look good, we'll go for the IUI in January.  The Hubby and I are still discussing if we'll go through with the IUI for this cycle.  Oh who am I kidding? We're going through with it. I don't trust my cervix after that last Dye test.

I do have some questions for the doctor and I have to figure out when I will address them.  She is very good at answering questions via email. but I need some face to face time.  We are supposed to chat during my follicle check, but I don't think that will happen. I am going in before work and quite frankly, I don't have time to stay.  I already know I'll at least be a half hour late for work. I don't know if I can stand to be any more late than that. I have a very deadline oriented job.

Here are my questions:

1. Why did you choose to put me on Femara first, instead of Clomid?  Although the side effects that come with clomid scare me, it is cheaper than Femara. It would have been nice to start off with something cheap.

2.  How many Femara cycles before you call it quits?

3.  How low do you want my TSH levels to go?  I've read that folks got pregnant after finally getting their levels down to a 1.

4.  Coffee?  I love it. I mean I REALLY LOVE it.  I have been grappling with the issue of quitting it for a while, but decided there was no need. Now I am not so sure because at this point, I'm desperate as hell.  So on December 24th, I decided coffee and I are done.  I've read that caffeine could impact your fallopian tubes' ability to contract and help your fertilized egg reach the uterus.  I can't take any chances.  So my question is, can I have SOME coffee?  How much can I have a day?  I love coffee!!! I have only been without it a full 24 hours and I am already losing my mind. Can I have a little?

Blood, Drugs & Nerves

Sh*t is getting so real right now.  Here's the rundown:

1. Bloodwork---
    My thyroid is a bit too overzealous sluggish. I have to take meds for that. I don't know the cost yet.

2. Prepping for an IUI---EXPENSIVE
    Femara + Progesterone = $250
    Trigger shot = $80
    Say what? I'm broke!

3. Ovulation Prediction Sticks---CHEAP
    Pack of 50 that includes 10 pregnancy tests = $20 (Thank you, Amazon)

4.  My Nerves---SHOT. I'm a freaking mess.

I started off this month ready to go.  My doctor gave me a plan and I was committed to getting it done. But now I'm starting to get a bit of cold feet. I'm wondering if I'm rushing things.  Should I wait until next month?  If this IUI doesn't work, the hurt will be so much more than emotional.  It will be physical (like I'm gonna break something).  Look at all of that money!  The prices above don't even include doctors visits and the actual cost of the procedure.

With all of that said, I am super excited. This doctor moves fast (in a good way) and answers questions quickly. There's no waiting, which is imperitive because my middle name is NOT patience. I had my blood drawn at 8:30 this morning, she had the results by 12:30 in the afternoon.  She told me the problems she spotted and had a possible solution ready (medicine).  If I email her, I have a response within ten minutes. It's amazing... and unnerving. I told my husband that she is either perfect or secretly evil.  My attempts to dig up dirt on her have failed...so far.

I'll begin taking two Femara for the next five nights. I'm praying I don't have any mood swings. If all goes well, I'll be on track for an IUI during the first week of January *fingers crossed*.  I know there's only a seven to ten percent chance of pregnancy, but...I'm still hoping for the best.

I don't want anything material for Christmas.  I just want guidance, happiness, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I hope that all of your dreams come true.  Don't forget to thank Jesus for his sacrifice:-)

I Am Good At Something

I went to visit my new doctor today. *sigh*  She is the nicest medical professional I've dealt with during my intermittent infertility journey, but the visit? The visit drained me.

I should just go ahead and get this out of the way. I am apparently very good at one thing.  No, it is not complaining. I am very good at growing fibroids. I feared they had come back or that I still had some, but the GYN didn't feel any during last month's exam.  I went into this visit confident that fibroids were not going to be apart of it. I was wrong. I have eight freakin' fibroids in my uterus right now. EIGHT!  I couldn't hold the facade. I cried in the middle of the ultrasound. I mean I had tears, snot...you name it. How embarrassing. Ugh!

Now on to the not so depressing part.  The doctor doesn't think my new round of fibroids will prevent pregnancy.  From the ultrasound, she determined that I ovulated from my right ovary this month (hooray!) and both ovaries look healthy (double hooray!). She was unbelievably gentle, considerate and kind. By the time we left, she had hubby BELIEVING. And I should add that within minutes of our visit ending, she sent me a recap email so I wouldn't forget anything (say what?).

Doc laid out a plan for us.  It starts with hubs making a deposit in a cup for testing, me givng up some blood, starting fertility medication to boost the ol' ovulation and a little insemination.  This train to pregnancy appears to be picking up speed.  Now the questions are how long will the ride last and will we ever reach the desired destination?

*sigh* I left the visit shaken. The whole fibroid thing really messed me up. If it wasn't for my husband being with me at that moment, I would have just withdrawn into myself. He kept me smiling, pumped me full of Starbucks and played a little 2Chainz for me (yes. 2Chainz raps about nonsense, but he cracks me up).

Last month I made a list of things I need to do and fell down on the job.  Here's the updated list.

1. Get my old records (turns out that it doesn't matter that they're nearly two years old. she wants a look.)
2. Find my surgery synopsis sheet.  I could not find the sheet, so I ordered a new one.
3. Pray. Pray hard for the strength to stay sane, calm and open to whatever it is I may need.

Random Thoughts

1. New Doctor

 I spent a bit of time filling out new patient forms for my new doctor.  I really hate filling out those forms.  I've spent so much time thinking that eventually I would get pregnant on my own, but when I have to write down how long I've been trying, it hits me like a fresh ton of bricks: I can't conceive without medical intervention. Couple that with writing down my age, and I need someone to fan me to keep from fainting. *sigh*

2.  The Royal Pregnancy

Kate Middleton is pregnant.  Yay for the British!  Boo for me.  She's not even 12 weeks yet and the American press can't shut up about it.  Now I'll have to hear about it for the duration of her long-a** pregnancy.  I mean dang!  This chick bags a prince AND easily gets knocked up.  Can she have any more luck?  I know, I know...I'm really lame for having this reaction.

3.  Bad Jokes

I think I'm scaring my best friend with my infertility.  She won't laugh with me about it and she clams up when she talks about her own dreams of having a child. I feel so sad. I don't want her to feel that way. I can't wait for her to have a baby so we can both dote on him or her.  I'm sitting her crying just thinking about it.  I don't talk about it often, but we were joking about how people were popping up pregnant everywhere at our old job.  She suggested that we go back to drink the water.  I joked that I needed an entire lab and she wouldn't laugh. She kept saying she was so sorry.  I feel so awful that I made her feel that way:-(

4. Fat

I have completely stopped working out and drinking proper amounts of water. I am a walking waste field.  I'm living off of Starbucks and Chow Mien, which is delicious by the way.

5. Naughty Books

Fifty Shades of Grey totally got me addicted to naughty books.  In between reading American Classics, I'm picking up smut left and right to read. I'm so embarrassed that I hide it from my husband and I think he knows it.  Oh well, it's better than hiding a drug addiction, right?

Growing Excitement

I am so excited about my upcoming visit to the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so enthusiastic that I have to calm myself down. As you've probably guessed, when it comes to this infertility thing, there is no in between for me.  My emotions are extremely high or extremely low.  It's definitely something I'm trying to work on.

Anyway...I've been googling this doctor like crazy.  She keeps an awesome website that answers some of the frequently asked questions about infertility. I looked at her reviews on Yelp and every one of them was positive, even the ones from women who still are not pregnant.  Someone from her office has already called to update me on my insurance and what it covers, which isn't much as I've mentioned before.  I told her my concerns about the cost and how I planned to approach the situation (trying to save like there's no tomorrow and asking for a lay-away plan. ha!).  She was so polite and didn't try to sugar coat things for me.  That only made me more optimistic about seeing this doctor.

As I get closer and closer to the visit, I have to remind myself that she can't get me pregnant that day.  I am not going to walk out of that place pregnant after the first appointment.  As I've learned before, doctors are not God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes they are a mechanism used to help your miracle, but they cannot cough up miracles like a vending machine.

I have so many questions for this doctor, yet I'm afraid I'll clam up when I'm in her presence.  As I've mentioned before I hope that my cervix is the only thing keeping me from pregnancy and the birth of a healthy baby.  With that said, I think there are only two things that can help me: intrauterine/cervical insemination or in vitro fertilization.  I am not a doctor and I am not anything close to an expert, but (insert sarcasm here) I have watched a lot of episodes of Deliver Me and a Baby Story (I'm really joking).

My husband is going with me on this first visit and he assures me that he'll help me get through this in the best way possible.  He smiles when I get all giddy about the upcoming appointment and encourages me to keep talking to him.  At this moment, I really couldn't ask for a better person to have by side.  I'm a handful when it comes to this infertility thing and he pretends like he has the biggest hands in the world.

I must say I am filled with hope right now and it scares me.  The last time I had a lot of hope, I didn't get the ending I wanted.  I'm just trying to stay grounded and realistic, but without the pessimism.  I'm sure the actual visit will be the reality check I need.

It's Normal!

My HSG results are back and they are normal. My tubes are clear and my uterus appears healthy. I should be doing back flips, but I can't. I've never been flexible. So now the question is what's next? I'll tell you what! I need to change my insurance & head to the fertility specialist. I will become a mother in 2013. If I don't, at the end of 2013, I want to be sure that I gave it my all. No more self pity without taking action.

So! I have already made an appointment with a fertility specialist. I even found out the price if my insurance won't cover the visit. Baby, I am ready...at least for this particular visit. I know once treatments actually begin, I will be back on this blog whining, crying and asking the good lord for a donation.

I'm okay because I know what has to be done. I spent the first seven months of 2012 cutting back. I did my own hair, stayed in the house and exercised (ugh!). Guess what? I saved more than I've ever saved in my life.  Once I stopped, my savings account became a bit bulimic. Oops!

I'm ready to do it again, but I'm not sold on the exercise. The husband is currently doing Insanity, which is great for him. He is insane. I am not:-)

The first visit to the specialist will entail a review of my history, which is documented in this blog. Thank goodness! I didn't realize how much I'd forgotten. Also I'll have that horrible vaginal ultrasound and go from there.

I'm hoping we won't need more than an intrauterine insemination (IUI). I feel like I need to focus on what I think will work, instead of what won't. It's obvious my cervix does not play nice with others. I'm hoping that is my only remaining obstacle to having a healthy baby.

Pregnant Man Rant

I can't deal with the "pregnant man." I am all for finding who you really are and doing what you can to be true to who that is, but there are some certainties in life.  One is that women...only women can give birth.  That means this person should not be advertised as a pregnant man. A man can't give birth. Men don't have a uterus, fallopian tubes and an opening willing to allow a big ass head to pass through it.

Every time this woman, dressed as a man, appears on TV to talk about changing the way society thinks, I want to slap her.  If you want to change yourself into a man, do it.  Don't try to have the best of both worlds.  As an infertile woman who is grateful for every feminine attribute and body part that I have, this woman disgusts me.  It's unfair that someone who doesn't like being a woman gets to easily have children, while I sit here and struggle.  If I see her in a magazine, I turn the page.  If she pops up on a TV show, I change the channel.  That doesn't mean that I don't mentally throw darts at a picture of her face in my mind.

I won't even post a picture of this person. I don't want to perpetuate that idea that she is to be commended for her gender bending ways.  I will say it again. IF YOU WANT TO BE A MAN, MAKE THAT CHANGE! BUT  DON'T TELL ME SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE I KNOW A MAN CAN'T GET PREGNANT AND GIVE BIRTH.

If you're wondering what prompted this rant, she was a guest on Anderson Cooper and I couldn't change the channel fast enough.  For those who say what she does is not my business...Yes it is because she is milking this idea of a "pregnant man"to make money and infiltrate my life.

rant complete.

The Dye Test: Part 2

What a day!  I'm still shaking off the effects of my HSG.  HSG is short for hysterosalpingogram.  It's basically an x-ray of your uterus and fallopian tubes. The goal is to ensure they're not blocked or disfigured. The doctor inserts dye through your vagina so that those special parts will show up on x-ray.  You can read about my first HSG here. It was a totally different experience from this one.

This HSG ended with toe-curling pain and an outline of my uterus and fallopian tubes forming on a small screen right before my eyes.  The early thought is that my tubes are free of blockage that could prevent pregnancy.  However, I am not free of drama.

I can not tell you how long I was on that table waiting for the doctor to find a way to shoot dye up my cervix. I didn't try to count the minutes and I didn't have a stop watch. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and constantly remind myself to relax through big intakes of breath.

Let me explain why. My cervix is a trip. That's the best way I can describe it. The doctor had a tough time working with it.  I felt like she was twisting, bending and stretching my nether regions in ways no one should imagine.  Despite some intermittent, involuntary shaking, I stayed patient and kept trying to relax. I figured if she wouldn't give up, neither would I.

As I laid there mentally grasping for something positive, it hit me.  God's got this.  I kid you not, a moment later I felt a growing sting.  As it grew, I could see the dye on the x-ray machine spreading and forming the shape of my uterus. There was some discomfort and pain, but nothing to write home about. The real pain kicked in when she told me to turn to the side to see if the dye would fall toward my fallopian tubes. OMG!  The feeling was right up there with some of my toughest cramps. My body instinctively wanted to ball up, which is what I do every month when cramps kick my butt, but I had to work through this. I wasn't sure I would make it, when Dr. P. finally told me I was done (thank goodness!).

Unlike my last HSG, the dye did not fall out before making it to my uterus. However, my cervix is still an issue. I can't really describe this very well, but essentially, the doctor had to stuff the catheter as far up and to the right as she could to get the dye to the right area.

Again, she did not give me a detailed report. She will write that up and have my GYN explain it to me. I'm encouraged that my tubes are not blocked. I'm discouraged that my cervix is all jacked up.  So... my fingers are crossed that this little HSG doesn't cost me an arm and a leg. My toes are crossed in hopes that I'll be pregnant with a healthy baby within the next year.

On a totally different note: I made sure I voted before I went to this appointment. It felt great to walk around with my little sticker.

Making A List

I guess I need to write things down to hold myself accountable. So here it goes.

1. Get records from Florida

2. Dig up details about my surgery. (The surgeon gave it to me.  I just don't know where I packed it.)

3. Call insurance : I can't believe I actually followed through and called.  Thank the Lord for little miracles.  My insurance covers tests and such to diagnose why I'm infertile, but it won't help me get pregnant. That means this chick needs to start saving more aggressively because my insurance is not going to cover IVF etc.  I am still scared to see the ultimate out-of-pocket costs for my HSG. I know my insurance is whack.

The insurance plan I had in Florida was awesome. I made a bit of a mistake when I chose this one. I'll be making a change as soon as open enrollment begins again.

4. Set up HSG   BAM! I set that sucker up, but I am having second thoughts. I'm really afraid that my insurance won't cover an adequate amount. I've been trying to get a competent person on the phone to give me CORRECT information about my coverage, but that is quite difficult because of the time difference and the fact that the reps will straight out lie just to get you off the phone. They don't care that the lie could set you back a grand or more. If I should reach my goal of getting pregnant and having a healthy child, I'd like to have some money left over to raise the little person.

5. Cut back on coffee. ( I got a generous gift card and it has caused my Starbucks habit to explode.)

6. Eh...I'll think of something.

***One week after seeing the doctor and I'm already jumping in with both feet. I'm off to take my pre-natal pill. I'm really hoping it helps my hair and nails grow, even though my research says it won't:-(

Let the medical poking, prodding, testing and guessing begin:-)

Step One: Expensive Vitamins

You see that picture?

In the words of CurlyNikki, one of my favorite bloggers, "what in the entire hell?"

THAT is my $95 bottle of pre-natal pills. No, I am not pregnant and yes, I am still infertile.  However, my recent trip to the girlie doctor and a conversation with my husband, made me realize I have to give this baby making thing another try, before I am physically unable. 

So off I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. When the lady told me the price, I almost lost my bladder. I mean, dang! I'd just dropped $47 to gas up my corolla.  Between fuel and vitamins, I spent all my "allowance" for the week. I guess I better eat those groceries in the house. 

I'm afraid to take one of the pills at this point.  I'd essentially be swallowing $3.17 per pill. LOL!  The funny thing is I checked to see if my insurance saved me anything. The receipt had the nerve to say, "your insurance saved you $18." Are you kidding me?

Anyway, I hope this post does not leave you annoyed, as laughing  is the way that I entertain myself when the going gets tough. These pills made me realize I need to do some research ASAP.  I'll be calling my insurance to determine the coverage for my HSG, blood tests etc. I'll adjust my spending and savings accordingly.  Plus, it's almost that time of year when I can change my coverage and I'll do that as well, if it's needed.

Update:  While these $95 vitamins have a wonderful chocolate flavor, I will NOT be repurchasing them.  This homegirl is going to find a cheaper, over-the-counter version, unless my doctor tells me there is a specific reason I need this brand.

Decisions Decisions

I took a step back and stopped blogging and thinking about infertility.  I was wearing myself out! But unfortunately on top of being infertile, I am a hypochondriac. I hadn't been to the doctor for my yearly visit in more than a year. I started to fear that I'd developed more fibroids or some other terrible condition (yes..I'm a drama queen).  I bit the bullet, opened up google and searched for a gynecologist in my area.

I decided that for this visit, I would not talk about babies. I just wanted to get checked and go.  But this Doctor looked at my history and hit me with the hard questions. "What's next for you?" "Do you have siblings (when you're an only child, infertility hurts just a little bit more--I think)?" "Does your husband want children?" "Does your mama want grandchildren?" "Do you get sad?"

What the hell?!!  She was so smooth and fast about it that I was choking back tears before I knew it. I'm so used to the doctors kind of glossing over things, that I hadn't properly prepared myself for this.

She really didn't give me a chance to do my normal..."it's no big deal"speech.  Without ever getting an absolute YES from me, she hit me with pre-natal pills, an order for an HSG (the dye test to check my tubes) and two cards for local infertility specialists in the area.

Before she left, she told me that I needed to hold a baby...MY BABY...and it could happen.  So...just like that, I'm back in this. I was so verklempt that I couldn't tell her that I don't have the emotional strength to deal with this.  I can't spend the next eight years getting probed, prodded, injected and drugged up.

When it comes to my infertility there are two theories warring in the my mind:

1. A baby just isn't in God's plan for you.

2. To believe #1 is using God as a way to accept failure and give up.


With all of that said, the stuff she gave me is sitting on my dresser taunting me waiting for me.  I haven't made a decision. If I go forward, it will mean that I have accepted hope.  There is a funny thing about hope that no one ever wants to talk about. It's a gift and a curse.  If you hold on to it too long you're just plain delusional, but if you realize your hope won't lead to what you want, it could destroy you.  Hope has killed many a people, but like I said, no one wants to talk about it.


Soooo...I guess it's babies or bust?  I'll let you know if I'm brave enough to jump back in.

What To Expect When You're Infertile

Ohhhh! It's so hard being infertile.  The only thing you can really expect is lots of tears. I'm approaching my sixth year of marriage to an awesome man, but I'm having a hard time looking forward to our celebration.  All I can think about is that this marriage has produced no children.  He wants children and I want children, but I can't have them.

Sometimes we have the most wonderful days together and at the end I always end up thinking, "wouldn't this day have been EVEN better if we had a little one with us?"

I haven't seen a "girly" doctor of any kind since my surgery. I know it's dumb, but it is what it is.  Earlier this year, I made an appointment to see a fertility specialist in our new city, but rescheduled and rescheduled until I finally cancelled it.

I've been working really hard to accept that I probably won't have children of my own and likely won't have the money to buy\adopt one for at least another ten years.  There are stretches of time when I think I've got this thing beat. My heart doesn't hurt and the tears don't come.  Then I have days like today where I can't stop the tears, despite my best efforts.

Distractions only work for so long.  My obsession with my hair and dragging myself to the basement to exercise just aren't enough to keep my mind busy right now. I guess I'll grab that book, "50 Shades of Grey." Some folks call it "mommy porn (lol. that cracks me up)," but a good friend of mine told me it's a mindless read that will at least give me something to love or hate... you know.. another distraction.

I know this post won't help anyone. In fact, it is quite depressing. I've stopped updating this blog for that reason alone. I hate sharing sadness without a hint of optimism, but I had to get this off my chest. I had to just get it out somehow. I needed to do it without seeing the sadness in someone's face or hearing the same things, "be positive, pray, it's okay."

I do pray. Being positive is a lie and things aren't okay. If they were okay, I'd have five kids by now. It's that simple. The only thing that's not simple is why. No one can tell me why and that sucks. I don't know if a "why" would give me peace. I like to think that it would.

One Year

It's been a little more than a year since my surgery.  My period still comes and I'm still not pregnant.  The list below sums up my life right now.

1. Fake smiles: I went to a baby shower filled with pregnant women and smiled my way through answers about not wanting children.

2. Fake strength: I made an appointment to go see a new doctor then cancelled because I just couldn't handle it.

3. Broken heart: I can barely hold conversations with family I once held dear. I fear they are either judging me or pity me.

Update:

So yeah... I wrote that depressing little note on day one of my new cycle. If you are in this little infertility predicament, you know that the first day is the worst day. However, I was honest about the fake strength. I try so hard to be strong, but I am truly scared.

One year ago, when I started writing down my ridiculous emotions, I hadn't seen many stories of black couples struggling to have a child. I have since found some wonderful resources, including a site called Broken Brown Egg.  The author is so caring and finds the right words to say.  BUT the hope I had during March of last year is GONE. The fibroids obviously were not keeping me from getting pregnant. I just don't know what is.

Let's be honest, doctors use each of us as guinea pigs. That's nothing against them.  I mean...it's the only way to figure out what's going on. With that said, I just don't know if I can deal with the guesses, the misdiagnosis and the loss of funds. I want a baby with every fiber of my being, but I can't dedicate my body and life to this. 

I've already changed so much. I cringe when I have to be around my friends with children. I cringe when I choose to lie about or reveal my infertility to people who love to ask, "when are you going to have children?"

My mother told me she's still very willing to spend her last dime to help me when I decide to give "trying" another try. I told her I didn't need her money. I reminded her that this is a subject we can no  longer speak to each other about.

My mother raised me to be tough. My father taught me to smile when all else fails, but it's getting harder and harder to fake it. I really wish I could blame God, but he has given me just about everything I asked for and need last March (that includes a full-time job).  The only wish that hasn't been granted, is a child. I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know.