Big Risk

I took the biggest risk of my life and decided to do this IVF thing.  I basically mortgaged the next four years of my life.  I didn't want to write about it, but hey, this is my last shot.  This is it for me.  So I might as well document it.

For the first time in my life I took birth control pills.  How ironic that I needed them to kick off this cycle.  I took them for a week in a half.  Two days after I stopped, I got another period. Ugh!  Basically the doctor had to time my cycle to our needs.

Since then, I have had a baseline ultrasound, blood drawn and started taking injections.  Every night my beloved husband shoots me up with a combination shot of two vials of bravelle and menopur.  Every other night we add another shot of HGH.  Tonight will mark day three of injections.

In addition to the injections, I'm taking an aspirin a day and something called Dexamethasone, which is supposed to help out your ovaries.  I also take a host of supplements.  If the cops came up in here, they would have some serious questions, until they read the labels.  So I am also popping:

PRENATAL PILLS
CoQ10 (an antioxidant)
DHEA (supposed to help with diminished ovarian reserve),
RESVERATROL (supposed to help with lining and keep you generally young looking)
WHEAT GRASS (acupuncturist said I needed more veggies and green things in my life)
BEE POLLEN (helps with the egg situation and supposedly helps your hair)
ROYAL JELLY (it's the stuff the Queen Bee eats that helps her produce 2,000 eggs a day. It also helps her live five to six years, while the worker bees die after 30-35 days)
MELATONIN (I have no idea what this does, but it makes you sleepy. Don't take it in the middle of the day).

I haven't really felt any differently.  The only thing of note is that the combo shot of bravelle and menopur stings.  I have to get better about dealing with that.  My poor hubby gets a little freaked out and thinks he's doing something wrong.  I keep telling him that it's not him, it's the drugs.  The HGH shot doesn't hurt.  I had been generally positive, until I realized my RE was pregnant. After blogging about it and praying about it, I'm over it.  I think I was looking for anything to try to keep me off this path because this certainly is not anything I dreamed of doing.  However, we were too far in it to turn back.

The doctor hopes to get about eight to ten eggs out of me.  I've started a private Pinterest page to work as a positive visual board.  We'll see how it all goes.

Taking Shots...

The key to taking your shots like a champ is to put a pillow over your head.  It worked for me last night.  I couldn't see the husband coming at me with the needle.  I couldn't freak out and we got it over with.  Plus, my minor whimpering was muted:-)

I'm hoping tonight goes as smoothly. I think it will.  The hubby is pretty awesome.

I'm scared

I'm just scared. I start shots tonight and I'm scared this isn't going  to work.  I'm really scared--petrified really.

Pregnant RE

Apparently if you have a female reproductive endocrinologist, you should ask if she's pregnant before you believe her suggestions or diagnosis.

I didn't know this little trick.  Now I'm stuck on a cycle with a pregnant doctor (I mean like seven months pregnant). I wish she would have told me so I could have switched doctors, but I guess that wouldn't have been cost effective for her. Because I'm infertile, when someone looks heavy, I don't assume pregnancy. I assume they're like me, indulging in ice cream to get through the sadness.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited for all pregnant people. It's my duty to keep whatever emotional roller coaster I'm on to myself.  However, when the person you've turned to for help in this situation fails to leave out the pregnant detail, it's like getting shot in the face.  You can't figure out where your nose is or if you'll ever be able to breath.

I thought mission #babyrass2013 would be difficult, but I didn't expect it to be this bad.  It has turned me into AN ANGRY person. My sense of humor is gone, which I never thought was a possibility. I am walking around filled with hate.  If I could walk away from myself for say...oh 23 hours a day...I would.  Unfortunately, I'm trapped with myself.

I fake it pretty well at work, but that's because I have to. Bills don't pay themselves and I'm not ready to work a corner just yet.

Best comment from my beloved mother, "You're going into debt because you want to. I went into debt because I had do."  Funny, I never wanted to be an infertile asshole (I'm calling myself an asshole. Not her. I'd never do that. I LOVE my mama).  She didn't mean it that way and I am in no way angry with her, as her comment is taken a bit out of context in this post.  I just wanted to give you a glimpse into my annoying mind. It's just 360 degrees of hate and anger right now.

I took a big risk for this cycle and I'm not feeling optimistic---at.all.

Ray Lewis Said...

"If God is for you, who can be against you?"

#BabyRass2013

It's just a little inspiration from Ray Lewis:-)

Present Your Case

My Mother got all high tech on me and emailed an audio clip of a Joel Osteen sermon.  I reluctantly pressed play only to have Mr. Osteen rock my world.

He told me (and everyone else) to present my case to God.  No whining, no cursing, no begging! Simply state my case.

It was the most beautiful thing I've heard all week and it calmed my soul a bit.

Happy Friday, All!