Ohhhh! It's so hard being infertile. The only thing you can really expect is lots of tears. I'm approaching my sixth year of marriage to an awesome man, but I'm having a hard time looking forward to our celebration. All I can think about is that this marriage has produced no children. He wants children and I want children, but I can't have them.
Sometimes we have the most wonderful days together and at the end I always end up thinking, "wouldn't this day have been EVEN better if we had a little one with us?"
I haven't seen a "girly" doctor of any kind since my surgery. I know it's dumb, but it is what it is. Earlier this year, I made an appointment to see a fertility specialist in our new city, but rescheduled and rescheduled until I finally cancelled it.
I've been working really hard to accept that I probably won't have children of my own and likely won't have the money to buy\adopt one for at least another ten years. There are stretches of time when I think I've got this thing beat. My heart doesn't hurt and the tears don't come. Then I have days like today where I can't stop the tears, despite my best efforts.
Distractions only work for so long. My obsession with my hair and dragging myself to the basement to exercise just aren't enough to keep my mind busy right now. I guess I'll grab that book, "50 Shades of Grey." Some folks call it "mommy porn (lol. that cracks me up)," but a good friend of mine told me it's a mindless read that will at least give me something to love or hate... you know.. another distraction.
I know this post won't help anyone. In fact, it is quite depressing. I've stopped updating this blog for that reason alone. I hate sharing sadness without a hint of optimism, but I had to get this off my chest. I had to just get it out somehow. I needed to do it without seeing the sadness in someone's face or hearing the same things, "be positive, pray, it's okay."
I do pray. Being positive is a lie and things aren't okay. If they were okay, I'd have five kids by now. It's that simple. The only thing that's not simple is why. No one can tell me why and that sucks. I don't know if a "why" would give me peace. I like to think that it would.
Sometimes we have the most wonderful days together and at the end I always end up thinking, "wouldn't this day have been EVEN better if we had a little one with us?"
I haven't seen a "girly" doctor of any kind since my surgery. I know it's dumb, but it is what it is. Earlier this year, I made an appointment to see a fertility specialist in our new city, but rescheduled and rescheduled until I finally cancelled it.
I've been working really hard to accept that I probably won't have children of my own and likely won't have the money to buy\adopt one for at least another ten years. There are stretches of time when I think I've got this thing beat. My heart doesn't hurt and the tears don't come. Then I have days like today where I can't stop the tears, despite my best efforts.
Distractions only work for so long. My obsession with my hair and dragging myself to the basement to exercise just aren't enough to keep my mind busy right now. I guess I'll grab that book, "50 Shades of Grey." Some folks call it "mommy porn (lol. that cracks me up)," but a good friend of mine told me it's a mindless read that will at least give me something to love or hate... you know.. another distraction.
I know this post won't help anyone. In fact, it is quite depressing. I've stopped updating this blog for that reason alone. I hate sharing sadness without a hint of optimism, but I had to get this off my chest. I had to just get it out somehow. I needed to do it without seeing the sadness in someone's face or hearing the same things, "be positive, pray, it's okay."
I do pray. Being positive is a lie and things aren't okay. If they were okay, I'd have five kids by now. It's that simple. The only thing that's not simple is why. No one can tell me why and that sucks. I don't know if a "why" would give me peace. I like to think that it would.
