What I Want

Infertility continues to beat the entire shit out of me. She is the worse abuser. Not only are her kicks and punches indescribably painful, but they’re well placed. I know they’re there. I feel the impact, but none of it is visible to the naked eye.

I just wish I had one friend, one family member who could or would hold my hand and let me cry. I don’t want to hear I’m sorry. I just want someone to say, “Fuck this shit. Fuck infertility. Let’s go drink and pout.” I want them to be angry with me and okay with my anger. I know that’s a lot to ask of people. We always want to make others feel better. I’m guilty of it too.

It looks as if we have finally diagnosed my infertility: fibroids, endometriosis and bad tubes. Perhaps I would have become a mother, if I had caught the tube thing earlier. It doesn’t matter now because to top it off, my eggs aged prematurely.

I thought I didn’t have anymore tears to give this, but here I sit. Crying. It’s ugly. It’s a tear-stained, puffy, snot-falling cry. I know this is not a punishment from God, but it certainly feels like it. This certainly feels like more than I was ever meant to bear. How does one find authentic joy when their body has betrayed them so?

The answer to that question doesn't matter anymore. This long, dramatic, ridiculous chapter of my life is over. I'd like to say that I finally have the strength to walk away, but that's not the truth. I'm just out of weapons. I'm defeated. It's not the way I wanted it to end, but at least I can say I fought - no matter how un-valiantly - I definitely fought...to a fault and likely to my detriment.

Picking Me Apart

Merry Christmas, everyone. I know you all are with family and focused on something other than your fertility.  Unfortunately, I am thousands of miles away from my family and my husband has to work. That means I am left with my crazy thoughts.  While I have some things on my mind, I figured I should go ahead and write them out.


My husband and I completed labs for my doctor last week.  So far, here's what we know:


1. Hubby has lots of sperm, but the doctor is concerned with their shape.  She thinks there are too many overly-round ones.  She gave him antibiotics. I am not really sure as to why. I have to get a more detailed answer. She just kept saying there may be an infection, but we don't have STDs.  We had this conversation over the phone.  She wanted him on the meds immediately in hopes that this issue will be resolved before I ovulate this month.


2.  My thyroid is on the high end.  My TSH levels measured at 3.58.  My doctor immediately sent me an email saying this could, "totally be affecting my ability to conceive."  My thyroid is sluggish. She says my TSH levels should be 2.5 and under for optimum fertility possibilities.  I did some research and learned that a sluggish thyroid can lead to weight gain, prevent ovulation and cause a shortened luteal phase.  Of course there are plenty of cases where people with hypothyroidism get pregnant with no problem.  So this may not be the issue at all.  She prescribed thyroid medicine for me and assured me that it should begin working within days.  The hope is that my TSH levels will drop in time for my ovulation.

3.  Femara: as a I mentioned before I am taking femara this month.  I am taking 5 MG on Cycle days 3-7.  Tonight will be my final night.  So far I haven't really felt any symptoms. I'm not really sure that I should feel any yet.  I am supposed to begin using Ovulation prediction strips on CD 10.  From that point we have been ordered to "baby dance"every other night.  I'll have my follicle check on New Year's Eve.  If things look good, we'll go for the IUI in January.  The Hubby and I are still discussing if we'll go through with the IUI for this cycle.  Oh who am I kidding? We're going through with it. I don't trust my cervix after that last Dye test.

I do have some questions for the doctor and I have to figure out when I will address them.  She is very good at answering questions via email. but I need some face to face time.  We are supposed to chat during my follicle check, but I don't think that will happen. I am going in before work and quite frankly, I don't have time to stay.  I already know I'll at least be a half hour late for work. I don't know if I can stand to be any more late than that. I have a very deadline oriented job.

Here are my questions:

1. Why did you choose to put me on Femara first, instead of Clomid?  Although the side effects that come with clomid scare me, it is cheaper than Femara. It would have been nice to start off with something cheap.

2.  How many Femara cycles before you call it quits?

3.  How low do you want my TSH levels to go?  I've read that folks got pregnant after finally getting their levels down to a 1.

4.  Coffee?  I love it. I mean I REALLY LOVE it.  I have been grappling with the issue of quitting it for a while, but decided there was no need. Now I am not so sure because at this point, I'm desperate as hell.  So on December 24th, I decided coffee and I are done.  I've read that caffeine could impact your fallopian tubes' ability to contract and help your fertilized egg reach the uterus.  I can't take any chances.  So my question is, can I have SOME coffee?  How much can I have a day?  I love coffee!!! I have only been without it a full 24 hours and I am already losing my mind. Can I have a little?

It's Normal!

My HSG results are back and they are normal. My tubes are clear and my uterus appears healthy. I should be doing back flips, but I can't. I've never been flexible. So now the question is what's next? I'll tell you what! I need to change my insurance & head to the fertility specialist. I will become a mother in 2013. If I don't, at the end of 2013, I want to be sure that I gave it my all. No more self pity without taking action.

So! I have already made an appointment with a fertility specialist. I even found out the price if my insurance won't cover the visit. Baby, I am ready...at least for this particular visit. I know once treatments actually begin, I will be back on this blog whining, crying and asking the good lord for a donation.

I'm okay because I know what has to be done. I spent the first seven months of 2012 cutting back. I did my own hair, stayed in the house and exercised (ugh!). Guess what? I saved more than I've ever saved in my life.  Once I stopped, my savings account became a bit bulimic. Oops!

I'm ready to do it again, but I'm not sold on the exercise. The husband is currently doing Insanity, which is great for him. He is insane. I am not:-)

The first visit to the specialist will entail a review of my history, which is documented in this blog. Thank goodness! I didn't realize how much I'd forgotten. Also I'll have that horrible vaginal ultrasound and go from there.

I'm hoping we won't need more than an intrauterine insemination (IUI). I feel like I need to focus on what I think will work, instead of what won't. It's obvious my cervix does not play nice with others. I'm hoping that is my only remaining obstacle to having a healthy baby.

The Dye Test: Part 2

What a day!  I'm still shaking off the effects of my HSG.  HSG is short for hysterosalpingogram.  It's basically an x-ray of your uterus and fallopian tubes. The goal is to ensure they're not blocked or disfigured. The doctor inserts dye through your vagina so that those special parts will show up on x-ray.  You can read about my first HSG here. It was a totally different experience from this one.

This HSG ended with toe-curling pain and an outline of my uterus and fallopian tubes forming on a small screen right before my eyes.  The early thought is that my tubes are free of blockage that could prevent pregnancy.  However, I am not free of drama.

I can not tell you how long I was on that table waiting for the doctor to find a way to shoot dye up my cervix. I didn't try to count the minutes and I didn't have a stop watch. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and constantly remind myself to relax through big intakes of breath.

Let me explain why. My cervix is a trip. That's the best way I can describe it. The doctor had a tough time working with it.  I felt like she was twisting, bending and stretching my nether regions in ways no one should imagine.  Despite some intermittent, involuntary shaking, I stayed patient and kept trying to relax. I figured if she wouldn't give up, neither would I.

As I laid there mentally grasping for something positive, it hit me.  God's got this.  I kid you not, a moment later I felt a growing sting.  As it grew, I could see the dye on the x-ray machine spreading and forming the shape of my uterus. There was some discomfort and pain, but nothing to write home about. The real pain kicked in when she told me to turn to the side to see if the dye would fall toward my fallopian tubes. OMG!  The feeling was right up there with some of my toughest cramps. My body instinctively wanted to ball up, which is what I do every month when cramps kick my butt, but I had to work through this. I wasn't sure I would make it, when Dr. P. finally told me I was done (thank goodness!).

Unlike my last HSG, the dye did not fall out before making it to my uterus. However, my cervix is still an issue. I can't really describe this very well, but essentially, the doctor had to stuff the catheter as far up and to the right as she could to get the dye to the right area.

Again, she did not give me a detailed report. She will write that up and have my GYN explain it to me. I'm encouraged that my tubes are not blocked. I'm discouraged that my cervix is all jacked up.  So... my fingers are crossed that this little HSG doesn't cost me an arm and a leg. My toes are crossed in hopes that I'll be pregnant with a healthy baby within the next year.

On a totally different note: I made sure I voted before I went to this appointment. It felt great to walk around with my little sticker.

Dye-ing for Answers (HSG)

I got all geared up for this HSG (or the dye test). You're injected with dye to give doctors a look at your reproductive system. I watched women get it many times on the Discovery Health channel.  In nearly all the cases, the women became pregnant shortly after the test because the pressure from the dye cleared up minor blockage in their Fallopian tubes. 

I'll let you in on a little secret: I was pretty sure the dye test would cure me. I thought I was like those women on TV. Uhm, yeah...I was wrong. 

So I'll tell you how the test worked. I took some antibiotics a couple of days before the actual test, then I took 600 mg of ibuprofen right before my appointment. 

I walked in and was told to change into a gown and put a little hat on my head. I looked hilarious. It's the normal shower cap looking thing they make you wear for procedures, but I cracked myself up in it. I even texted a picture to my hubby so he could laugh too. 

Several minutes later, I was walked into the room. I was told to lie on a table and put my feet in the stirrups.  While Dr. J worked "down there" another woman was on the side of me watching the monitor and warning me when the pain would be at its worst.

Ok..let's take a minute and address the pain. I don't know if the ibuprofen was working or what, but it wasn't that bad. It wasn't a walk in the park, but I survived. It felt like an intense burning sensation when Dr. J inserted the dye "down there." BUT I didn't freak out because unlike a menstrual cramp, I knew the pain would stop very soon. 

Here was my problem: THE DYE KEPT LEAKING OUT. I never got to see if my tubes were clear and I basically went through the test three times.  My largest fibroid was distorting my cervix. Who needs a condom or birth control when the sperm can't get through the cervix? (Prepare yourself for TMI) This moment connected so many dots for me. I never knew my huge puddle after sex wasn't normal. 

This test made it clear to Dr. J that I needed to remove the fibroids. She felt there was a real danger that if I got pregnant, the fibroids would terminate the pregnancy.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, I was on track for a date with the inside of an operating room.