He Rebuilt My Uterus

I am back with a quick update.  I am three weeks post my second fibroid removal surgery.  This one was more intense, and required a longer recovery.

The surgeon claims he rebuilt my uterus.  After reading the surgery report, my RE said it's like I got a uterine transplant, except it's still my uterus.

I don't know what to think.  The last time I had one of these surgeries, I was sure the miracle of pregnancy would follow fast.  Well...it didn't.  Anyways, I have to wait 8-10 months to try out this marvelous, bionic baby sack.  I'm just hoping that I'll have a flat tummy when this is all said and done.  I feel bad for you if you catch me at the beach.  I'll have this surgery-scarred belly on display for all to see.  Yessss!

My RE will run hormone tests upon the arrival of my next period.  From there, we may go fishing for eggs or give up completely to focus on the last two options: donor eggs (which simultaneously excites me and freaks me out) or adoption.

I last attempted to create embryos in November.  We only got one viable five-day embryo, which promptly failed genetic testing.  Of course, we also had a bit of an issue/accident.  The Hubs and I also made a rogue embryo (surprise!).  It decided to settle into my left Fallopian tube.  I had to have surgery to get that sucker removed, along with my beloved tube.

After I read both surgery reports (fibroid and ectopic), I gathered that I had lots of scar tissue.  It had wrapped itself around my tubes and ovaries binding them together.  Yikes!  When we found the ectopic pregnancy, I was about 6 weeks pregnant, but my uterus was 18-19 weeks gestation size.  While the embryo was in my tube, my fibroids were growing like they were on steroids inside my uterus.  HOLY MOLY!

I'm just hoping I don't have scar tissue again.  I find it so interesting that I've had three surgeries in four years, especially since after the first one, I swore I wasn't doing it again. Lesson?  I have stopped creating hard and fast rules for my bizarre little life.  My mantra isn't YES TO EVERYTHING.  However, It doesn't include HARD NEVERS.

I'm still paying off that first IVF loan, plus I have bills coming in from this last surgery, but I'm not angry.  I'm thankful to have a job to pay them.  I go back to work next week, and when I get discouraged about treatment etc., I will remind myself that it could be A LOT worse.

With all of that said, I'm just letting the process happen.  After all, I can't use my remodeled uterus for 8-10 months.  I guess I'll be on birth control pills (even though it seems pointless) because when it shouldn't happen, we make accidental embryos a la November.  Plus, I'm not paying for 10 months of condoms...that's expensive.

IUI #2 -- DONE!

Do I get a badge?  I should get a badge because I just finished IUI #2 like a champ.  That torture device they put in my nether region tried to break me down, but I was strong and endured.  Of course I cried in the 15 minutes Witch Doctor makes you wait after the procedure.  It was a short burst of sadness for the state of my reproductive life.  Hubby sang to me and well, I couldn't be sad after that. There's something about a man whispering, yet singing an r-n-b song as hard as he can, that just melts all the troubles away-- temporarily.

When it was all over, I came home to my sweet pups and resumed my role as Dog Park Mom.  So life goes on....

Who Needs a Title?

My period finally came on her own.  My cycle was 51 days.  If I hadn't had a missed period, this one actually would have been on time (does that make sense?).  However, it did come with some concerns.  I did not have extremely painful cramps, but I did have ridiculously uncomfortable pressure which is quite reminiscent of the days before my fibroid removal surgery.  At the risk of sounding more and more like a hypochondriac, I sent Witch Doctor a note and told her I probably needed an ultrasound.  She told me to come on in.  So, I set an appointment.  Oh!  but let me back up.  Before that, Witch Doctor sent me in for more blood work.  I got my estrogen and FSH checked on cycle day 2.  I'm waiting for results.

Anyway, I went backwards and forwards over whether to contact her.  But then I remembered the fact that my body had been telling me something was off for years.  Instead of thoroughly checking it out, I hoped that it was implantation or this or that.  Well, it wasn't any of that.  It was my DAMN fibroids eating well, growing, and destroying my uterus.

I came across the story of MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry.  I don't really watch her show.  I only really know her name because she popped up in a book a read.  Well, she just had a baby.  Ok, not really.  Her surrogate just had her baby.  Melissa's fibroids were so bad that she had her uterus removed.  She already had one child and didn't think she'd want another.  But she fell in love....and I'm sure you know how the story goes.  Anyway she did IVF.   She still had her ovaries.  She and her husband made some embryos, and a surrogate baked them.  You can read a better version of her story here.

Her tale kind of got my hopes up.  I started thinking that maybe Hubs and I could make some more embryos and do the same.  Then I remembered that I also have poor egg quality.  I also remembered that I'd already flushed 4 good embryos down the toilet and there's no guaranteeing I'd get as many good ones this time around.  Then I remembered I don't have the money for the lawyers and fees that come along with surrogacy.  So, I was kind of reduced to crying at the end of the entire thought process.

I'm a ball of sunshine, right?

It Ain't Over

I got a new job.  I'm going to the competitor of my old employer.  So!  My old boss walked me out, after I handed in my two week notice. That means I'm sitting in the house chilling until my new job begins.

That gives me lots of time to think about my infertility, my shrink and my embryos.  You're probably wondering how and where my husband fits into all of this.  Well, he's omnipresent in all of those things.

Anyway back to my soap opera entitled, "As The Infertility Turns."

Before the show begins, we should have a recap of the past.  

The long-suffering and hard-working infertile, Erika failed in her IVF attempt.  She spiraled into a strange depression, took too many pills, went to a shrink and is now on the road to recovery?

Now onto the new episode.

After weeks of visiting a shrink, crying and spilling her guts, Erika's not-so-secret cloud of anger has dissipated.  Instead of nearly killing herself trying to get over her desire for children, she's embracing it.  (some may consider that dumb.  It's kind of like the crackhead embracing the desire for crack? Whatever!)

Erika has come to terms with the fact that she will return to the infertility world at some point because she has three embryos and she's tired of paying for their frozen dorm.

Alright, I'm dropping the third person. It's strange.

I've decided that at some point, I will transfer the three remaining embryos.  This time it's not with the hope of having children.  It's to be done with the entire situation.  It will probably be a year before I do it because I'm starting a new job.  I need to concentrate 110% on that.  An FET wouldn't allow for that.

Anyway I've decided that it will kind of be like an infertile version of 'Survivor.'

Can my three girls survive that mine field that is my body?

I won't deny my desire for children because that was part of my mental break.  I have to just deal with the desire and the sadness it brings.  It's not bad and I can still smile.  I can still cry over it and it's not the end of the world.

Now back to, "As The Infertility Turns!"

Erika must now tuck her tail between her legs (I've been hanging with my dog too much.  I'm starting to mimic her), and go back to the witch doctor.  Erika needs a Pap smear and doesn't want to deal with a gynecologist and answering all of those questions about her troubled lady parts.  The witch doctor already knows about them.  Erika's insurance likely won't cover the visit, but Erika is willing to pay just to avoid telling another soul about this tricky infertility journey.

Bad Shrink

I went to this shrink so she could help me move forward with a life without children.  I don't think she is helping at all.  

I mean sure, she's helped me understand that I don't deal well with sadness, but that's not why I went to her.  I went to her to help me end this yearning... this desire for children.  Instead, it's bubbled back up to the surface.

*sigh*  It's okay though. I won't let it consume me.  I'll just deal with it.  It's okay for me to want children.  I'll deal with it.  Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it.  I can't have this.  It's that simple.

I do things to cope.  I told my husband about my thoughts, I wrote down the baby name that floated through my mind, and I blamed the shrink for helping all of this surface:-)

Now I have to make sure I tell her about them and hope that she makes me feel...un-crazy?  

Oh who cares?  I already know I'm crazy :-)

Babies aren't all I think about.

-I'm working out a little bit, despite my horrible knees

-I'm slowly, but surely reading an awesome book called, "In Search of Satisfaction."

-I think my thyroid may be a real issue, so I'm searching for a primary care physician to help me out.

-I resigned from my job.  I'm waiting for my background check to come through so I can start a new gig.  Holy Crap!

More Shrink Talk

My shrink told me I don't know how to handle pain and sadness.

I was like, "Whaaaaat?"

She says you have to teach yourself.  It's kind of like  learning to hold your breath under water for as long as you can, until your defense mechanisms kick in and propel you back to the surface.

I was like "Huh?"

 Who WANTS the ability to deal with sadness?  Shouldn't you do all you can to make it go away immediately?  You smile, push away the pain and sadness, and eliminate all reminders of it.  And Bam!  Things are right with the world again.

 

Anyway, the shrink's words tumbled around in my brain all day.  I realized that whatever she paid for her degrees,  may have helped her stump me on this one. HA!

I couldn't push away the pain of my FET failure and I couldn't get rid of all the reminders.  When I failed at the "make-myself-ok" mission I'd successfully completed so many times  in the past,  I snapped.  I lost all control and tried to make myself disappear because I was the reminder of the pain. 

"What does crying get you?  Nothing!" 

That's what my Mother used to tell me.  It was my motto for a long time.  As I 

got older, I allowed myself to cry more, but I viewed it as a growing weakness.  

I mean...I guess what I'm trying to say is sadness is a weakness to me.  That's why I tried so hard to quickly get over my FET, but all of my attempts failed miserably.

I still don't understand how one learns to handle sadness and pain, without being just a sad person to be around.  I guess I have to work to understand that, but I did realize that my ideas about sadness are the real weakness.  I hope to correct it in the future.

I don't know what's next for me, but as usual, I hope it includes weight loss:-)

Stuff!

1.  The shrink says I'm in mourning.

2.  I want to go shopping, but I'm broke. (I've started watching Sex & The City again.  Broke folks just shouldn't watch it.)

3.  I have not been working out, but it isn't far from my mind.  My knees have just been awful.  They are finally starting to feel better and hopefully, I'll be able to gently jump back into Turbo Fire next week.  

Shrink Wrapped

Holy! Crap!

I went to a shrink.  I actually went...and I hated it!!  I hated it, but I'm going back.

Here's the breakdown: She says I'm depressed.

My secret response: No shit, Sherlock.

My husband accompanied me on this particular journey and he was very helpful.  It turns out that I don't like talking face-to-face with  strangers about personal situations.  As you can probably guess,  I cried.  I cried a lot!!

She didn't talk as much as I thought she would, which was odd.  I don't know how you fill an hour with the delicate verbal dance of, "how does that make you feel?"

We laughed at her and me when it was all over, but then... I don't know.

She said people never feel better after the first session and boy was she right. I could barely get through work.  The next day? I sobbed before work.  Sobbed.

The drive to the office didn't help to calm my emotions.  So I called the shrink and made another appointment.

I don't really know how that will help. I'm in a strange place.  I needed help to continue to fail at trying to conceive and now I need help with the tragedy of it all.  A margarita is nicer, stronger and cheaper.  Of course I think the overindulgence of it causes more wrinkles and weight gain. I'm good at weight gain.

Trucking Along

Despite my exercising for a full week, I am still fat:-)

Ha!

No but really, I haven't lost a pound.  However, it appears that I have stabilized, which is great.

Today marks week two of my Turbo Fire experience.  I actually have to do my workout tonight, so we'll see how that pans out.

I am not doing so well with the eating part.  I ate well, until the weekend and then I went buck wild.  I overdosed on Chinese food, Mexican food and margaritas. Oh My! 

Normally a week of work with no results would discourage me, but I'm not so worried.  I actually like Turbo Fire.

Pro: Awesome, energetic music.  The instructor is motivating, without getting on my nerves.  (That could change as the program progresses.)

Con: She doesn't do the best job explaining the choreography.  I need her to break it down on the left and the right.  She only explains the moves for the right side.  I know that's all most people need, but I'm not most people.   When she switches to the left side, I'm lost. It's pretty hilarious.

The last exercise I did focused on the stomach and yoga.  All it did was reveal how much core strength I've lost.  It's embarrassing.

I go out of town soon and I plan to take the Turbo Fire DVDs with me.  The real test will be to see if I actually use them. LOL!

As for infertility, I have a sense of peace.  I still get a little sad, but it's not too bad.  The only big decision I made was to no longer be friends with the couple that I spoke about here.  It's not so much that they are know-it-alls, but that they just don't get it.  When I told them my IVF didn't work, they asked if I talked about it to a couple that they'd just introduced to us.  That couple had two successful IVFs and are at the end of a natural pregnancy now.  I wanted to smack my former friends.  That couple's diagnosis is not mine and I don't know them. I was there to have fun, not talk about my tragedy. 

Whatever! It was just awful.  This isn't the first time I've had a situation like this with that couple.  They think they know everything about all subjects and can pass judgement because they watch documentaries.  This is just the first time it affected me personally.  My mom always says when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Well, I didn't take that advice and I got burned so I'm moving on.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back...

I hope Justin Timberlake is playing in your mind, because he is certainly singing in mine.
I plan to bring sexy back and I hope it comes back fast.  I am getting myself all pumped up for my life as a workout Queen.

In November, I met my new RE and since that time the only thing she's helped me do is gain ten pounds of fat and misery.  The day I walked in her office, I'd been off a workout plan about four months, but I was maintaining.  Clothes were fitting great.  By my IUI, I noticed the clothes were getting tight.  By the time I was stemming for IVF, the clothes weren't fitting.  I was pretending that wasn't a problem as I ordered a new wardrobe online.  Well, now that wardrobe is squeezing more than it should.  It's time to end the madness.  I'm taking it off, people.  I'm about to get fit...at least I hope.

I'm trying pushing all of the negative aside.  I'm not using anymore excuses for skipping out on cardio.  I am 32 years old. I can't let myself go just because my body refuses to reproduce.  I always said if I can't be a mommy, I want to be damn sure that I look better than one.  I know that's mean, but at least mommies can say they carried another human for nine months (anyway most mommies are hot).  I can't say that.  All I can say is I tried to have a baby for seven years and got fat in the process.  That sucks, right?

With all of that said, I just watched the first video from Turbo Fire and I'm in trouble.  The exercise lady did some jump move that nearly made me faint from watching on the couch.  Keep in mind, I was watching the "New to Class" version, which is code for easier. (Dare I say I lost a pound while watching from the couch?)   I may not do what the exercise lady is doing, but I'm sure jumping around will do something for me (eek!).

Must.Keep.My.Eye.On.The.Prize.

I'm making a plan and I hope it works.  The best part is that my Hubby declared that he will join me in this "exercise class."  He hasn't seen an entire video and I can't wait to see his face when he sees the routine.  Hell, I can't wait to seem him bust a move. LOL!  I should add that he's been a workout beast for the past two years.  He does P90x and Insanity.  He lost about 30 pounds with P90x and added Insanity to spice things up.  He's my exercise Hero, but I still wish I could be skinny without effort, like when I was young.

So here's to getting skinny and taking a mental break from infertility failure.

5 Days Post FET

I'm still chanting stick and grow, Guys.  I made it through day five.  At one point, I was pretty sure that was I going to march out and buy myself a home pregnancy test for tomorrow.  Buuuut....I can't.  I can't do it.  I think I will hold out until Friday morning, before we fly to Florida.

As for Thursday, I have lots to do. I have laundry duty, acupuncture and work....and packing. Yikes!  Such a strange week.


#FINISH

4 Days Post FET

I have a picture of the twins on my phone. It's actually my lock screen. I want to show everyone how awesome they are.  Strange, right?!

I am a bit crampy and I'm a bit concerned it's the fibroids talking, but each time that seeps into my mind I chant, "STICK AND GROW!"

I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow. My acupuncture dude totally freaked me out. He said to make sure the washer just scrubs my head.  No massages.  Massages of the shoulders and the like can cause the uterus to contract. OMG!  I have naturally kinky hair so I only get it washed every two weeks, unless I'm in workout mode or swimming (i can't swim. it's more like playing in the water). My scalp needs a good scrubbing and massage.  Now I have to find a tactful way to tell the wash girl to scrub...hard, but no massage, not even when working in the conditioner. "Stick and Grow!"

I'm contemplating just doing it myself. That means it will be clean, but look like something out of a very bad 70s film.  **sigh**

On Thursday, acupuncture dude is going to stick needles in my head to try to calm the uterus.

Friday, I head to Florida.

Saturday, I pee on a stick and try to find a lab to take my blood test.  Afterwards, I'm off to my Bestie's bachelorette party. OMG!  "Stick and Grow!"

2 Days Post FET

It's been two days since the transfer and I have been living like a Queen Bee. I lie around while my husband brings me yummy things:-)  I've gained about a trillion pounds.

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary.  My hubby allowed me to leave the house to have anniversary breakfast with him, then he rushed me back home, and promptly sat me on our new comfy couch. HA!

No major updates on the twins.  I stare at their picture constantly and continue to tell them to Stick and Grow.  My inner lady parts are still a bit sore.  It's not a cramp, just soreness.  My body does not like that speculum thing, that I call a vice.

I return to work tomorrow.  I have the crazy busy schedule which is good.  That keeps my mind from wandering because I can obsess and spiral out of control.

So here's to taking it day by day.

I Know The Lingo

My RE's office emailed me yesterday with the time of my transfer.  We are officially one day away (hooray!!).  Anyway, I promptly texted my husband to let him know it wouldn't interfere with the delivery of a new couch.  The couch was no big deal.  We just didn't know if we'd need to delay the delivery.  Husband sent back the texts below.

I laughed so hard.  He knows the lingo...LOL!



I'm all anxious and excited. I have to tell my Boss today that I won't be in tomorrow. Yikes!  I'm not really scared or nervous about the transfer, which may be due to my acupuncture session. Of course, I still have a full day to get through.


The list of instructions were simple from the RE's office:

1. Arrive 15 minutes before appointment time.
2. Take a valium 30 minutes before the appointment
3. Make sure I have a full bladder, but not so full that I can't hold it for 45 minutes.

Ok...let's talk about number 3.  What the hell does that mean?  LOL!  I don't know how full is too full for my bladder because when I have to go, I generally don't set a timer to see how long I can go before I burst.   Now back to the list...

4. Bring a progesterone suppository to the appointment.


I am slightly confused about this one.  My drug list calls for a morning suppository. I just want them to clarify if I should take one before the appointment or not.  I'm guessing not, but then I don't really want to ram anything else up the ol' private area so soon after folks have been messing with it, ya know? So I'd prefer to take it before the transfer.  I just sent them an email to ask.  I'm sure I'm just over-thinking the situation. Ha!

FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER....HERE I COME!!!

Eh...The Countdown Continues

I am at two days until the transfer.  I feel a bit strange.  It's a mix of calm, sleepy and sad.  I can't really put my finger on it.

Anyway, all the damn pills I'm popping are getting on my nerves.  I have to highlight my list to make sure I'm taking everything at the right time, on the right day.  It really made me sympathize with all the older folks who take pills to live.  I don't know how they do it...well, yes I do.

As for the progesterone suppositories, they are not nearly as bad as I thought.  I could do this for a while. No problem.  Waaay better than a shot.

All that's left on my list now are acupuncture and telling my Boss I need Friday off.  I'm always afraid he's going to ask why.  He never does, but just the idea of it gets under my skin.

Countdown to Transfer

9 Days until my transfer!!  But who's counting?

I won't lie.  I started getting a bit nervous today.  I even thought about calling the doctor to see if we could move up the date.  I had to write out a prayer to calm myself down.  However, I may still schedule an extra acupuncture appointment.

Meantime, I am working on a green plan.  My acupuncture dude says green is my energy color.  Per usual, I kind of laughed at him.  As we get closer to my big day, I realize it can't hurt.  I plan to get a pedicure with green polish this weekend.  (crazy moment here) I've also planned out my transfer outfit. It's a green dress, but that could change. I don't know if I want to squeeze into spanx on that day. (Spanx are fantastic by the way)  Hmmm..I guess I'll bust out my green shirt with the small hole in it. LOL!

#FINISH

ICLW

Hi!

This is my first time participating in ICLW.

I'm Erika. I go by MrsDjRass on the Internet and I don't really know why.  LOL!  I am 32 years old and I am working hard to become a Mother!  Fibroids and diminished ovarian reserve are trying to stand in my way, but I'm not letting them...at the moment.  I am preparing for my first Frozen Embryo Transfer.

I have a tentative date for the end of this  month.  When my RE told me this IVF thing was going to be hard work.  I thought she meant physically.  Turns out my body can handle just about anything, it's the mental part that's kicking my butt.

I look forward to meeting new bloggers.

13

Doc checked my uterus today and my lining was 13!!  Woohoo!  I got my next set of instructions.

I will be cracking out on the ol' estradiol, Dex, crinone, baby aspirin and doxycycline.  We have a tentative transfer date and barring any meltdowns,  me and the twins should be reunited in two weeks:-)

Highlights of this visit:

1.  Doc squirted lube on herself.  LOL!  That is so disturbing.  Like my life is strange!  Anyway she looks up and goes, "that's why I wear scrubs to work." I think the only profession where one could have the same mishap is...prostitution.

2.  We decided on a firm two! We're putting two babies back.  Hooray!


To Do List:

I knew I was running out of Dex so I ordered more online.  Upon getting home from work, I realized I am also running low on doxy and aspirin.  Plus, I may have to order more estradiol.

I go to acupuncture tomorrow.  YAY!!!

IVF Prediction Test

Guys,

I am writing this post with a heavy heart.  There is an online test that boasts predicting our chances of IVF success.  The test was created by a Bay Area company called Univfy.  I first heard of it while stalking (yes, stalking) my RE's FaceBook page.  When I saw the ad, I quickly messaged her and asked if she really believed in this test.  Her answer:

"yes buuut if you're doing genetic testing they mean nothing. because we know for sure that if you have a normal embryo = 90% of success. easy. I just gave you the most accurate prediction."

Ya'll know I have a love/hate relationship with my RE.  She doesn't know about the hate part (hehe!).  Anyway, I consider her to be pretty smart and I questioned why she would support this test in any way.  I feel like it's just another tool to prey upon women who are desperate for SOMETHING to tell them this very expensive process will work.

I mean...even PGS/genetic testing doesn't guarantee success.  (I was even angry by her overly optimistic answer to my question.) How can I count on this online test? Below, you will find a link to a story that a local news station did on the test.  It was more like a commercial than an investigative piece, but watch it if you like.

Online test predicts chances of success with IVF | Video | abc7news.com

The test is $100 or something, which is cheap in the grand scheme of things.  In fact, this was my response to my RE:

"Well that prediction test may be cheaper...hmmm.. Just kidding. Genetic testing it is. Thanks!"

Ultimately, I feel like infertility takes me to some of the lowest emotional places I've ever felt in life.  I mean I was REALLY trying to figure out how I was going to jump off a bridge when my IUI failed.  Honestly, knowing the devastation my mother would feel, saved me from a very irrational act.  If a woman takes this test, gets results saying she has 80% chance of success and then IVF fails, this "helpful" tool could do more harm than good.  I just don't know.  I wonder what others think about it.

Random Things

I have random things floating around my mind right now.

1.  My skin.  People, I am glowing.  My skin is flawless right now, minus my chicken pox marks that I've had since I was 12.  I think it's the Estradiol.

2.  Good Sleep.  The hubby and I just discussed it, and we both agree that unplugging the TV and closing it off in the armoire helps us to sleep better.  A couple of weeks back my acupuncture dude told me to unplug the bedroom TV at night because it doesn't fall in line with Feng Shui.  He believes the TV may help my fibroids grow.  Well, I don't know about all that, but we are sleeping better.  The Hubby thinks it's because closing off the TV area also means we don't see the blinking lights from the modem and the DVR. *shoulder shrug* Doesn't matter to me. I know we'll keep closing that thing because the sleep is FANTASTIC:-)

3.  I'm so excited that it's Friday.  Yay for Friday!!!

#FINISH