Oh Hey, Girl!

I know why I've been a crying, hot mess the past two days.  Ol' Aunt Flo greeted me today.  Although I hate her, I was glad to see her.  At least there was a reason for my complete emotional break down.  Who melts down like that, after seeing a shrink for more than a month?  I'll tell you who.  She's a woman who had too many Aunt Flo hormones coursing through her veins.

Damn!

Now, I'm at home with my three favorite things: My man, my dog and my glass of wine.  Oh Yeah!

So instead of continuing down my path of sadness, I say to Aunt Flo, "Oh hey, Girl.  Don't get too comfortable because your ass will be gone in about five days."  :-)

One of THOSE women

I cried myself to sleep last night, as I continued to chant how much I still want babies.  You've probably read this statement a lot on my blog, but I thought I was past this phase.  I'm tired of crying and being sad about being infertile.

There's something I've been tossing around.  I think I'm going to stop lying when people ask me why I don't have children.  I lie to keep them from feeling awkward, but it just leaves me feeling sad.  Why should I protect them at my own expense?  I mean REALLY!  It's one thing to ask someone if they have children.  It's entirely something else when you follow up with, "why don't you have children?"

I would pose all of this to my shrink, but she will be on vacation this week.  Let me tell you, I'm kind of freaking out about this.  I've become one of "those women."  I need my damn shrink.  Why do shrinks need vacations anyway?  What do they do all day?  Talk to people?  Who needs a vacation from that?

I've been told that the process of mourning takes a year to work its way through your psyche.  I'm three months in.  I thought I was on the accelerated track, but after last night, I'm pretty sure I'm average.

If I had been special, blessed or privileged enough to have a successful FET, I would be three months pregnant now.  Buuut...woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?

Shrink says the desire for children won't ever go away.  Isn't that shitty?  It's like I'm chasing my tail trying to find peace, but that damn tail just keeps getting in the way.  So my new job keeps my mind off the baby thing during the week, except when nosey folks ask why I don't have children.  I guess the weekends are when it all blows over and I short-circuit.

Small, Strange Updates

1.  I am working hard at this new job.  They are making me earn my money.  It's fun.  I hope I learn and grow.

2.  My shrink...ugh!  I told her that I am acknowleging that I still want kids, but I hope the desire dissipates.  She's says it will always be there and never go away.  I kind of wanted to smack her, but the truth hurts, right?

3.  I am going to my old RE for my yearly, girly checkup next month.

4.  I found a new RE who has a year waiting list.  I promptly put myself on it for a FET.  I lied and told them that if the FET doesn't work, I want another IVF.  While at some point my mind may want another expensive-assed-IVF, my wallet surely won't allow it.

5.  I have spent the last couple of months making fun of my husband for taking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to lunch.  Well, guess who jumped on the PB&J bandwagon?  That would be me:-)

Bad Shrink

I went to this shrink so she could help me move forward with a life without children.  I don't think she is helping at all.  

I mean sure, she's helped me understand that I don't deal well with sadness, but that's not why I went to her.  I went to her to help me end this yearning... this desire for children.  Instead, it's bubbled back up to the surface.

*sigh*  It's okay though. I won't let it consume me.  I'll just deal with it.  It's okay for me to want children.  I'll deal with it.  Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it.  I can't have this.  It's that simple.

I do things to cope.  I told my husband about my thoughts, I wrote down the baby name that floated through my mind, and I blamed the shrink for helping all of this surface:-)

Now I have to make sure I tell her about them and hope that she makes me feel...un-crazy?  

Oh who cares?  I already know I'm crazy :-)

Babies aren't all I think about.

-I'm working out a little bit, despite my horrible knees

-I'm slowly, but surely reading an awesome book called, "In Search of Satisfaction."

-I think my thyroid may be a real issue, so I'm searching for a primary care physician to help me out.

-I resigned from my job.  I'm waiting for my background check to come through so I can start a new gig.  Holy Crap!

Shrink Wrapped

Holy! Crap!

I went to a shrink.  I actually went...and I hated it!!  I hated it, but I'm going back.

Here's the breakdown: She says I'm depressed.

My secret response: No shit, Sherlock.

My husband accompanied me on this particular journey and he was very helpful.  It turns out that I don't like talking face-to-face with  strangers about personal situations.  As you can probably guess,  I cried.  I cried a lot!!

She didn't talk as much as I thought she would, which was odd.  I don't know how you fill an hour with the delicate verbal dance of, "how does that make you feel?"

We laughed at her and me when it was all over, but then... I don't know.

She said people never feel better after the first session and boy was she right. I could barely get through work.  The next day? I sobbed before work.  Sobbed.

The drive to the office didn't help to calm my emotions.  So I called the shrink and made another appointment.

I don't really know how that will help. I'm in a strange place.  I needed help to continue to fail at trying to conceive and now I need help with the tragedy of it all.  A margarita is nicer, stronger and cheaper.  Of course I think the overindulgence of it causes more wrinkles and weight gain. I'm good at weight gain.