The Late Exchange

Me: "Should I expect my cycle to be 6 days later than normal because I had hcg in my system after my period started?"


Witch Doctor: "check a pregnancy test. do you have any at home?!! :)"


Me: "Yes, but I'm not wasting that:-)  I think it will be here by Monday.  I just always like a reason for things."


Witch Doctor: :There's no other reason except late ovulation or pregnancy.  Keep in touch"




Do you see why I want to strangle Witch Doctor (probably not because you're probably sane)?  I really wanted to say, "COME ON, MAN!"


I've only been trying to get pregnant for the better part of eight years.  Please believe that if I ever achieve pregnancy, it won't be naturally.  There comes a time in every Infertile's life when she has to accept that (if that's the case for her.  I know there are others who can get pregnant naturally, but have other issues).


I really think that I just ovulated late or maybe this will be the month that I don't get a period. Not getting my period at all this month would be really nice, considering last cycle's monster cramps. But that's wishful thinking.  I have the normal pre-period symptoms. They started yesterday, which is four days after my period "should" have started.


Now, I'll probably have to start my precious weekend with Aunt Flo.  That B*tch!


By the way, Wednesday my Bestie told me she was 8 weeks pregnant.  I'm happy for her, but sad for me.  Really sad for me.  *shoulder shrug*

The Suckers Are Back!

"I'll become an expert at butt massages by the end of the day."

That is the quote of the day from my beloved husband.  We went back to the Witch Doctor today.  I know. I know.  To borrow part of an expression from "Brokeback Mountain", I just can't quit her.

We have decided to go for a fresh IVF in the fantastic month of March.  At the moment, my period is one day late.  I was kind of mad about that, until I spoke with Witch Doctor.  The timing could work out so that I don't have to take Birth Control pills this time.  Hooray!

We didn't really want to talk about the previous cycle because I'm pretty sure we both believe my failure to take my thyroid meds torpedoed that situation.  Anyways, I've been popping those pills since the big fat negative.  Witch Doctor drew my blood to test the TSH levels again.  We are hoping that they are in the 2 range so I don't have to change medication.

It's been weeks since my last progesterone shot and I still have some surface butt soreness.  I asked Witch Doctor about it and she told me that I may need to go to a masseuse to request a butt massage.  Hubby was more than happy to volunteer his free services.  He later dropped that gem of a quote above on me: "I'll become an expert at butt massages by the end of the day."  But I digress...

Even though I still think PGS/PGD is a waste of thousands of dollars since chromosomally normal embryos laugh at my uterus and vanish, we will pay for it again.  However, Witch Doctor didn't press for it because she said I've proven that I can make normal blastocysts.  What she didn't mention was I've also proven that really doesn't matter because my four beautiful "blastos" didn't stand a chance.

The Hubs and I are excited.  We didn't get into the details of the protocol because we are waiting for my period to start, but I think I'll probably have the same cocktail: a little Menopaur and Bravelle, mixed with a shot of Human Growth Hormone.

Don't let my excitement fool you though.  I'm still very concerned.  If this one doesn't work, we will have only one more shot on this particular insurance.  Lucky for me, I'm not married to this job, although I am thankful for it.  Soooo, maybe I'll find another place with a new round of IVF coverage waiting for me?  I guess I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself.

It's so funny that after my last retrieval, I told my husband to think about us donating our remaining embryos to help someone else. LOL!  I needed every one of those damn things.  This time I'm just hoping to get a good number of healthy eggs that fertilize.  Here's to hoping one of them will stick and grow, right?


WALLY AND ROXIE UPDATE:

My dogs are absolutely crazy.  Roxie loves Wally:-)  Our puppy is four months old.  He has all of his shots and he'll begin obedience classes this Sunday (thank the Lord).  He is super energetic and curious.  I can't keep up with him, which is a good thing.  I think I've mentioned before that I lost five pounds after getting him.  Roxie is getting skinny too:-)  The Hubby and I enjoy working together to find ways to entertain him.  I think Wally is the reason I didn't gain weight during the last transfer.  Now, if the trend continues for the next retrieval, I'll love that dog forever.

I would include a new picture of my pack, but I don't really have one that I like.  They are always moving fast and my camera moves slow:-(

Is This Normal?

I woke up on the first day of the New Year excited.  My cycle started.  I felt normal.  To me, it was a new beginning.  I was feeling so good that I even wished the Witch Doctor happy New Year, as I notified her via email that my period had finally come.  Yesss!!

The Hubs and I went to breakfast, chatted, laughed, then BOOM!  I got the mother of all cramps.  OMG.  I have had some bad ones in the past, but these were pretty strong.  And guess what?  We only had one freaking advil pill in the house.  OMG.  I was pacing back and forth.  My uterus was angry and she spread her disgust to my digestive system.  Let's just say I had stuff coming out from both ends.  This was NO BUENO.  Hubby rushed to store to get more advil, pick up a heating pad and get me some real pads.  The body was not happy with my choice of tampons.

And speaking of feminine products, there are so many options.  My Husband called me frantically trying to figure out which package would be best.  He's such an awesome man.  My Dad refused to buy pads for me, as a teen when he went grocery shopping.  So this beautiful man of mine having the guts to pick them up in my time of crisis, is just wonderful.

Once again I digress.

I emailed Witch Doctor to update her on my situation.  I was like, "Is this normal?"  She said, "Yes!"  What?  She said since there was a "pregnancy" things would be rough. Ugh! Then she called and wanted me to describe the pain.  I won't lie.  I am not good at that at all.  I said something like, "It hurts straight across the middle and down to my feet."

She told me to keep her posted because she wanted to make sure that she didn't miss the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.  I was thinking.....NO WAY! She is obviously crazy.  Anyway, she told me to get day three blood work, along with another beta.

Two days later, I got the job done, which probably surprised her since I'd been rebelling lately.  Get this: my beta was a 10.  Yes. A TEN!  Just like before.  So now I have to go back again on Monday to test and make sure this particular ten is the result of the numbers going down.

Strangely, I am not upset or nervous.  I was for a second and threatened to spend my weekend on Google, but Witch Doctor says she is Dr. Google and has all of my answers.  I was thinking--- oh no she didn't!  I'm the real Dr. Google.

Anyway, I really don't think anything is wrong.  I think the numbers are going down.  The Husband and I are just trying to understand our insurance a little better.  We think it counts an FET as a full IVF, so we won't be wasting insurance on an FET for that solo embryo, as we are only covered for three cycles.  (Did I mention my butt is still sore from those progesterone shots?  That stuff is the devil!)

I know everyday my plan for the future changes, but at the moment we're pretty content with the idea of stemming for eggs in March.  I'm back on thyroid medicine.  Ugh!  Apparently, a TSH of 5 isn't a good sign whether you're seeking infertility treatment or not.  It's on the cusp of high.

I feel good better now, but I really think the meds did a number on me this time.  I mean, I'm still not entirely excited about my job, but I can HANDLE the frustration the way I'm used to dealing with stuff.  Last month while I was pumped full of estrogen and progesterone, I was ready to quit and move to a homeless shelter.  I had no fight left.  Ridiculous!

I'm dumping the shrink too.  I went through all of this and didn't need or want to talk to her.  I'm tired of talking to her about it.  I definitely needed her when I started, but I don't think it's necessary now.  Plus, she's a really strong defender of the Witch Doctor.  It's hard to vent my frustrations to someone who is apparently her friend.  I knew they were colleagues, as Witch Doctor gave me her name, but I didn't know they were Besties.  Ugh!  But I don't know.  Next week, I might lose my little mind again.  So, we'll see.

Happy New Year

I told my Mother that I planned to shave my head and move to Arizona in 2014.  I finished it off by telling her that I also hoped to find a cult to join and I'd send her an address when I found one.

Her reply?

"Can you take your Dad too?"

Bwahahahahahaha.

I love my parents.  I was feeling so sad this New Year's Eve, but their annual NYE texts kept me laughing.  I am so grateful for technology.  My parents and I haven't celebrated a New Year in the same place in nearly a decade, but they are always in my back pocket now.  Wait.  That's a gift and a curse sometimes:-)

Is It Over Yet?

Is 2013 over yet?  No?  Dang.

Anyway, I spent the weekend going from sad, to angry, to FURIOUS.  My poor husband was sick with a cold, and I took it all out on his ailing behind.  *sigh*  I am a sorry excuse for a wife, right?

I feel awful for the way I treated him.  I'll do better next time.  I promise.

My period still hasn't started yet.  It only took three days to start, after the last failure.  It looks like this time, it will take at least five days.  Witch Doctor told me to come back for another HCG to make sure the numbers are dropping, but I decided to be MATURE and IGNORE her (I hope you felt the sarcasm in that statement).  I'll go if my cycle doesn't start by day six.  If there's one thing my body is really good at, it's NOT being pregnant.  I don't want to start doubting its abilities now.

Some people may question that decision and my decision not to take drugs an extra day.  I feel like I should kind of explain why.  There's a story in the Bay Area.  A 13-year-old girl went in for tonsil surgery, and later died from complications.  She's brain dead.  Her parents won't accept it.  They have forced the hospital to keep her on a breathing tub.  My heart breaks for them.  I feel so passionately about them that when people say mean things about them, I defend them like they're my family.  I can't imagine their pain.  So when Witch Doctor told me my numbers weren't meeting standards, I knew that for my own mental health, I had to immediately let go.  I won't even write chemical pregnancy on my timeline.  It was never a pregnancy.  It's a failed attempt.

So back to me and the wait for my period: I figure since my butt is still lumpy from those progesterone shots, and (TMI WARNING) I still leak small globs of the progesterone gel, my body is still coming down off the hormones.  I took considerably more drugs for this FET than the last one.

I can honestly say the emotional pain is not nearly as bad this time, which scares me a little.  It hurt.  There's no denying that.  But the day isn't colored black like before.  The day sucks, but it's not black.  I will call that a small victory.  I'm still bitter, but I think that's normal (?).

That's all from me.  Happy New Year to all.

Oh Wait, don't pay for PGS.  It's not worth it.  I've flushed four chromosomally normal embryos down the toilet.  #awesome.

10

Today my Beta was a 10.  Hooray for failure...again.  Guys, this hurt so bad.  I balled my eyes out in a parking lot next to my job.  I really wish Witch Doctor would have just called it a failure on Monday.  At least I would have had two days off to recover.  Instead, I spent Christmas angry.  Now, I'm at work ashy-faced because I can't stop crying.

I told Witch Doctor that we didn't want to transfer the last embryo.  I told her we'd go straight for the next egg retrieval.   It's mainly because I hate those progesterone shots.  But I'm pretty sure it's not the right move.  I don't know.  I really need a new doctor or something.

Anyway she said my TSH levels were a 5.5.  I guess I should have stayed on those meds, huh?  I'm still not sure about that situation.

She tried to give me that false hope again saying I could stay on the meds another night and maybe something miraculous would happen.  While I still believe in God, I'm not in the business of believing in petty miracles.  A miracle to save my Mom?  Yes.  I'm all game.  A miracle to save a weak "pregnancy?" No thank you.

So I guess I get to add the ol' Chemical to my timeline.  Never had that before.  The funny part is that I've still never seen a real positive home test, except for the time after my IUI.  I thought maybe home tests just didn't work for me, so I peed on one when I knew I still had HCG from the trigger in my system.  It was amazing to see that positive.  But I digress....

My poor husband isn't taking this so well, and I'm of absolutely no help to him. I'm too angry to offer any comfort.

You chicks who keep doing this...I don't know if anyone has told you, but you're amazing. AMAZING.  People don't even know.

So...anyone want to take bets on when my period will start.  I'd appreciate anything past a week from now and preferably on a Saturday.

Thanks, Google

I spent a little time today googling what a Beta of 5 means.  Uhm...it's a negative.  I'm not pregnant.  It's not even a maybe.  I think it was a little unfair of Witch Doctor to leave me with that little string of hope.  Perhaps she didn't want to ruin Christmas for me.  But I was okay with a negative, until she carefully crafted that lie over the phone of a positive.

Something about the way she said it made me ask for the actual number.  I could tell she was hiding something.  I really think she is hoping a miracle will happen by Thursday, but it won't.  It's not right to do this to people, especially when I was open to acceptance.  I took that negative home test in stride.  I was going to be ok.  Now, I just want to cry, but I can't.  I have house guests.  I have to pretend I'm ok, which never works out well for me.  Anyways...

These progesterone shots hurt and I really don't want to take them, if there's no need. Plus, that's wasting precious, expensive medicine.  I'll need those meds for FET #3.

I really really hate 2013.