Happy New Year

I told my Mother that I planned to shave my head and move to Arizona in 2014.  I finished it off by telling her that I also hoped to find a cult to join and I'd send her an address when I found one.

Her reply?

"Can you take your Dad too?"

Bwahahahahahaha.

I love my parents.  I was feeling so sad this New Year's Eve, but their annual NYE texts kept me laughing.  I am so grateful for technology.  My parents and I haven't celebrated a New Year in the same place in nearly a decade, but they are always in my back pocket now.  Wait.  That's a gift and a curse sometimes:-)

Is It Over Yet?

Is 2013 over yet?  No?  Dang.

Anyway, I spent the weekend going from sad, to angry, to FURIOUS.  My poor husband was sick with a cold, and I took it all out on his ailing behind.  *sigh*  I am a sorry excuse for a wife, right?

I feel awful for the way I treated him.  I'll do better next time.  I promise.

My period still hasn't started yet.  It only took three days to start, after the last failure.  It looks like this time, it will take at least five days.  Witch Doctor told me to come back for another HCG to make sure the numbers are dropping, but I decided to be MATURE and IGNORE her (I hope you felt the sarcasm in that statement).  I'll go if my cycle doesn't start by day six.  If there's one thing my body is really good at, it's NOT being pregnant.  I don't want to start doubting its abilities now.

Some people may question that decision and my decision not to take drugs an extra day.  I feel like I should kind of explain why.  There's a story in the Bay Area.  A 13-year-old girl went in for tonsil surgery, and later died from complications.  She's brain dead.  Her parents won't accept it.  They have forced the hospital to keep her on a breathing tub.  My heart breaks for them.  I feel so passionately about them that when people say mean things about them, I defend them like they're my family.  I can't imagine their pain.  So when Witch Doctor told me my numbers weren't meeting standards, I knew that for my own mental health, I had to immediately let go.  I won't even write chemical pregnancy on my timeline.  It was never a pregnancy.  It's a failed attempt.

So back to me and the wait for my period: I figure since my butt is still lumpy from those progesterone shots, and (TMI WARNING) I still leak small globs of the progesterone gel, my body is still coming down off the hormones.  I took considerably more drugs for this FET than the last one.

I can honestly say the emotional pain is not nearly as bad this time, which scares me a little.  It hurt.  There's no denying that.  But the day isn't colored black like before.  The day sucks, but it's not black.  I will call that a small victory.  I'm still bitter, but I think that's normal (?).

That's all from me.  Happy New Year to all.

Oh Wait, don't pay for PGS.  It's not worth it.  I've flushed four chromosomally normal embryos down the toilet.  #awesome.

10

Today my Beta was a 10.  Hooray for failure...again.  Guys, this hurt so bad.  I balled my eyes out in a parking lot next to my job.  I really wish Witch Doctor would have just called it a failure on Monday.  At least I would have had two days off to recover.  Instead, I spent Christmas angry.  Now, I'm at work ashy-faced because I can't stop crying.

I told Witch Doctor that we didn't want to transfer the last embryo.  I told her we'd go straight for the next egg retrieval.   It's mainly because I hate those progesterone shots.  But I'm pretty sure it's not the right move.  I don't know.  I really need a new doctor or something.

Anyway she said my TSH levels were a 5.5.  I guess I should have stayed on those meds, huh?  I'm still not sure about that situation.

She tried to give me that false hope again saying I could stay on the meds another night and maybe something miraculous would happen.  While I still believe in God, I'm not in the business of believing in petty miracles.  A miracle to save my Mom?  Yes.  I'm all game.  A miracle to save a weak "pregnancy?" No thank you.

So I guess I get to add the ol' Chemical to my timeline.  Never had that before.  The funny part is that I've still never seen a real positive home test, except for the time after my IUI.  I thought maybe home tests just didn't work for me, so I peed on one when I knew I still had HCG from the trigger in my system.  It was amazing to see that positive.  But I digress....

My poor husband isn't taking this so well, and I'm of absolutely no help to him. I'm too angry to offer any comfort.

You chicks who keep doing this...I don't know if anyone has told you, but you're amazing. AMAZING.  People don't even know.

So...anyone want to take bets on when my period will start.  I'd appreciate anything past a week from now and preferably on a Saturday.

Thanks, Google

I spent a little time today googling what a Beta of 5 means.  Uhm...it's a negative.  I'm not pregnant.  It's not even a maybe.  I think it was a little unfair of Witch Doctor to leave me with that little string of hope.  Perhaps she didn't want to ruin Christmas for me.  But I was okay with a negative, until she carefully crafted that lie over the phone of a positive.

Something about the way she said it made me ask for the actual number.  I could tell she was hiding something.  I really think she is hoping a miracle will happen by Thursday, but it won't.  It's not right to do this to people, especially when I was open to acceptance.  I took that negative home test in stride.  I was going to be ok.  Now, I just want to cry, but I can't.  I have house guests.  I have to pretend I'm ok, which never works out well for me.  Anyways...

These progesterone shots hurt and I really don't want to take them, if there's no need. Plus, that's wasting precious, expensive medicine.  I'll need those meds for FET #3.

I really really hate 2013.

Beta 5

Yeah.  My beta results came back as a FIVE.  Low enough to be heartbreaking and high enough that I have to take more progesterone-butt-shots and refrain from holiday boozing.  Next test is Thursday.

How do I feel, you ask?

happy? confused? calm? confused?

Did I say confused?

I'm out of home tests.  I had to really search to find the one I used.  I guess I'll pick up some when I head to the store to buy a crock pot and the ingredients to make some dessert called Monkey bread. 

Because I am sure you are just as tired of me as I am of myself, I leave you with two pictures of my furry babies.  They are truly annoying little blessings:-)

 

Wally is very self-important, like all celebrities.  He is aware when he is photographed and is quite curious about it.  Hence, the cocked head in each pic:-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Negative

I went to the doctor and got my blood drawn, but I couldn't wait for the results.  I knew she'd call me with them at work, and I knew I couldn't handle that.  So, I did what any self-respecting person, suffering from a patience problem would do.  I took a home test.  Per usual, it was negative.  The one thing I love about the way I test is that there is never any question or doubt.  I don't have to wait five minutes.  The thing immediately shows a negative.  I'm ok...a little crestfallen, but ok.

This morning the doctor asked me if I was still on thyroid medication.  It's the first time this entire cycle that she's mentioned my thyroid.  How fitting:-)  I thought we were both half-assing it, and we were.

Now to figure out what's next.  Right?  I have one decent embryo left.  I think I'll just save up and pay for that transfer out of pocket so that I don't waste anymore of my precious IVF insurance coverage.  I won't be returning to this Witch Doctor.  This last visit to her office left me with a sour taste.  Her new assistant walked up to me with an attitude and said, "why are you here? a blood test?"  After the doctor drew my blood, my husband wanted to ask her a question.  So we waited for Witch Doctor to return.  That same assistant walked up to the receptionist and not-so-surreptitiously asked, "why is she still here?"  Obviously, I'm not a person to be treated with courtesy any longer, despite spending thousands at this place.  It's okay.  I often have problems making change and literally have to be kicked in the ass to make a switch.  I guess this is it.

Once FET #3 is done.  I'll be done for a while.  I'll be shopping around.  I will visit several doctors, thoroughly research their proposed protocols and make my decision from there.  I don't have anymore time for mistakes and insecurities.

Oh well.  I'm off to prepare for work.  The best part of all of this?  I'm done with those progesterone shots!  Yessssss!!!!

5 days post FET #2

Tonight I will take what could be my very last progesterone shot (pio) for this cycle.  I have decided to test tomorrow because patience is NOT my middle name.

In case you're wondering, tomorrow will be six days past a five day transfer.  WooHoo!  I have had cramping on and off.  One time they felt like the ones that come before Aunt Flo.  Ugh!  I haven't had any spotting, but (TMI Warning)  I have had panty liners filled with leaks from those fantastic progesterone inserts.  Yuck!

I didn't remember being this crampy during the last FET, but upon reading some old posts, I apparently was.  This time around, I'm on so much progesterone that I'm surprised my uterus hasn't just cramped up and fallen out.  Seriously.  I'm taking two crinone inserts a day and a shot.  I've been googling to find other women who are partaking in the same protocol and have not found one.

I did find people saying they planned to ask their doctors to allow them to take both.  In those cases, the women had low progesterone levels at the time of their failure.  Being that I save every email from the witch doctor, I quickly pulled up the email detailing my progesterone levels from my last failure.  Guess what?  My level was great.  It was a 17.  Witch Doctor used the adjective, super.

Seriously, she put the word super in an email detailing my FET failure.  I wish I could put into words why I continue to stick with her.  I'm not sure she really knows what's wrong with me, but when it's time for procedures, she doesn't make me feel like an alien.  I have a tipped uterus.  I've been to doctors who couldn't get catheters and such up my canal.  Instead of remaining calm, they would basically make me feel like I had the worst body on Earth.  She never does that.  In fact, she never has problems inserting anything during any procedure (Pap smear to Transfer).  If she's having them, she doesn't let me know.  I really appreciate that.  I already feel like my body hates me and all things reproductive.  Having doctors freak out only makes the feelings worse.

But I digress....

I think my cramps are definitely a symptom of my pumped up progesterone use:-)  But there are moments when I think maybe it's implantation and it's all working.  Then I run after my dogs, get a jolt of the soreness from my butt, and remember how much progesterone I'm on.  In case you're confused, my a$$ is sore from those shots.  Running, jogging and fast walking awaken the soreness.

The hubby and I talked and decided that waiting to take the test isn't going to change the outcome.  If I get the expected failure, how I respond is my choice.  Will it hurt?  Yes.  Will I cry? likely.  But I have to let myself be upset to a point, and move on.  I never want to feel the way I felt the last time.  A part of me certainly died during that experience, but in a way it matured me.  I no longer look at everything through rose colored glasses.  Okay, one of the lenses is still rose.  I refuse to lose it.  I can't imagine life without a little bit of sunshine (rose shine?).  Now saying and doing are two different things, but I'm focused on doing.  Hopefully, I nail it.

As much as I tried to denounce God, my upbringing won't let me.  When I find myself praying, it's not for a positive.  It's for peace.  I just want peace, regardless of the outcome.

3 Days Post Transfer

I am preparing myself for a negative, per usual.  I'm hoping that the pain won't hurt as much as last time.  As you may know, I am three days post 5 day transfer.

Let me tell you what I did differently from my last transfer.
1.  I didn't take any vitamins
2.  I didn't do any acupuncture
3.  I frequent a shrink
4.  I didn't follow doctors orders after the transfer.  I stayed home one day, not two
4.  I didn't take pre-natal pills.

You are probably scratching your heads and saying I totally deserve a negative.  You know what?  You're right.  I rebelled.  I did everything that was asked of me the last time.  I mean everything. I didn't miss a pill, appointment or supplement.  Guess what?  I didn't even get a low beta.  I got no beta. It was a complete failure.

I went into this particular cycle armed with new insurance that offset the cost of this mess.  My goal was to humanely dispose of my remaining embryos.  Unlike last time, I did not look at the monitor as the doctor shot my embryos into my combative uterus.  When she handed me the picture of my embryos, I passed it straight to my husband.  I didn't even glance.  Doc and I weren't jovial like we were in the past.  Sure, she joked about me getting on her nerves when I tried to cancel the cycle, but it wasn't happy joking.  It was passive aggression on both of our parts.  It was still funny though.

But when it was over, I knew that I cared more than I wanted to.  I realized this is all really going to hurt badly.  So I am three days post transfer.  For a normal woman, the embryos would have hatched by now and started implanting.  That's not happening here.  I have been cramping since before the transfer.  All symptoms I feel are from the progesterone.  While the doctor swears my embryos are great, I don't believe her. I compared them to pictures on the Internet and they just don't look as good. I don't care what their grades are.

The husband says when this cycle is done, he wants to do another egg retrieval.  I just don't know.  I'm starting to wonder if I just can't carry.  My next option is to have a another fibroid-removal surgery, but I can't.  Elective surgeries just aren't for me.  It's such a risk and there are no guarantees.  I know this because I've already had a surgery and I still don't have a child.  I have a puppy, but I don't have a child.

Now I'm starting to wonder if I really want a baby or if I want one because I can't have one.

Progesterone Shots

Uhm...those b*itches hurt.  I mean the needle insertion is no problem.  It was several hours later, that I realized the oil stings.  My a$$ is still sore this morning.

Oh well.  It's only for a little more than a week.  I can handle that.

FET #2---Done!

Alright!  Two out of three remaining Rotties are in.

I tried to cancel this transfer or at least delay it, but Witch Doctor wasn't having it. So, it's done.  Here are the things I'd like to address.

1. Is anyone else perplexed when they're told to arrive with a full bladder, but not so full that you can't hold it?  Uhm.....Since I'm not in the habit of testing my bladder, I don't really know how much liquid will give me the desired effect of full, but not leaking.  Needless to say, I over shot it today.  I had to let out a little. Oops!

2.  The funniest thing happened when we arrived.  My husband was so freaking nervous that I was comforting him.  We both had to laugh at that.  LOL!  I reminded him that I was the one who would have a catheter rammed up my privates.  He couldn't dispute that.  All of his nervousness went away, or he pretended it did.

3.  I really hope anyone going through something like this has a really great partner.  This particular transfer was really difficult for me, as I no longer have grand illusions of being special enough to get a baby out of this.   My husband wouldn't let my misery stop his optimism.  I really love him for it. (Did I write really enough?)

Since I'm supposed to test on Christmas, which is a Wednesday, Doc told me just to get my blood drawn on Monday.  I'm still torn, guys.  I've been through this before.  No matter how you prepare, a negative hurts TREMENDOUSLY.  However, I also have no patience.  But I think my need to not spiral into sadness and enjoy my Father-in-law's visit, will actually outweigh my impatience.  My Father-in-law's birthday is Christmas Eve for goodness sake.

We'll see.  I'm just resting now, and trying to get out all of my thoughts.  Hopefully, that will keep me from obsessing over it in the days to come.

Oh...switching subjects now.  Last night, a friend of mine told me she'd just found out she was pregnant with twins.  I'm happy for her, but heartbroken for me.  I love my friend, but she wasn't infertile.  She didn't get pregnant in three months, freaked out, and lied to her doctor to get clomid.  Now she's having twins.  I'll be by her side, as MY dream comes true for her.  Again, I'm happy for her, but it still stings ALOT.  *bitter, party of one over here :-) *

Side Note:  I will continue estrogen shots every three days.  Plus, I'll take progesterone shots and inserts daily.  Yay for butt shots!

Musings Before FET #2

Wally:

My sweet puppy is three months old.  He is everything I thought a little boy would be: cute, curious and goofy:-)  He is tiring us all out, but he's also helping us get skinny.  I squeezed my super-sized behind into my pre-infertility-treatment jeans the other day.  Even though they were tight enough to cause a yeast infection, I wore them---PROUDLY.  A few months ago, they wouldn't go over my hips.  Ok...back to Wally.  He knows sit, wait, down, touch and come, although at times, he pretends he doesn't.

He can't go to the park yet, because he still has one more round of shots to complete.  Meantime, my sweet girl Roxie is playing with him as much as she can, but he's even zapping her of energy:-)  It sure is fun to see my girl happy again.

Now on to the real issue:  we've had this dog for four weeks.  We love him, feed him and train him.  My father-in-law walks in the door a couple of days ago, and Wally acts like the hubby and I are the most lame people on the entire Earth.  WTF?  Where is the loyalty, Wally?


FET:
I'm all crampy.  My uterus is firing warning shots.  She's giving me the mild cramps that normally signal the start of my period.  I'm thinking this isn't the best environment for TL and possibly C.  I didn't have these cramps/sensations during the last FET.  Wondering why?  I did acupuncture last time.  Maybe it was more effective than I thought.

I kind of want to bail or push this thing (FET) back to the original day of Friday, instead of tomorrow.  The Hubby vetoed that.  Ugh!

I am trying to remain detached from this whole thing, but I am so scared and sad for the embryos.  I let them down.  I should have tried harder to give them a real chance.  It's just so difficult to put so much work into something that has such a little chance of working.  Ultimately, that's a lame excuse.  *sigh*

I didn't tell anyone about this transfer.  No one knows.  My Mom knows something is up.  She was on standby to give me an estrogen shot, if my flight out of Illinois left late due to weather delays.
However, she likely thinks it was for some kind of testing---at least that's what I'm telling myself.

This is just going to drive me nuts.  Where's the wine.  I need a big gulp.

Work:

I had been having such a hard time there before vacation that I'm deathly afraid to return.

Family:

I had the best visit ever with my parents.  There was one hiccup.  I tried to watch Scandal at my grandmother's house, and she talked through the entire episode.  Then my dad made us leave before it ended. Luckily, my mother DVR'd the show.  She saved the day!

Tuesday Transfer

Woot, Woot! Or Non-woot, Non-woot?  Tomorrow is my transfer date.  Yay for FET #2?

You can just go ahead and call me an infertility veteran now.  Can I get a Purple Heart or something? I'm pretty sure I'm a wounded infertility warrior.

I went to the doctor last week with the plan of having a transfer this upcoming Friday, but low and behold, my lining was thickening faster than Witch Doctor expected (I've been taking estrogen shots every three days).  However, she wouldn't admit to under estimating my response to medication.  She just did the usual:  She Ooh'd and Awed over my lining, beamed with joy and said, "We can do this as early as Tuesday."  Then she kind of put the pressure on for us to move forward with Tuesday.

I was all game, until she told me I had to start progesterone shots that night.  That was a no go!  I was headed to my parents house for the weekend and I was not giving myself butt shots, nor asking my mother to do it for me.  I know she's seen my bottom before, but believe me---it's changed since infancy.

Soooo Witch Doctor gave me a box of progesterone vaginal inserts and sent me on my merry way.  BUT, we have a second issue.  She only wants to transfer two of the three remaining embryos.  Ugh!  I reminded her that it was her idea to transfer three, and that's why we decided to move forward.  I want to use them all and just close this particular IVF/FET chapter.  Per usual, Witch Doctor remained calm and told me that we'd take it step by step.  If the best two don't look that great, she'll have the embryologist thaw the third, and she'll dump them all in for one big happy party. 

I know for her this is an ethics issue, so four days later I tried to persuade her again.  I reminded her that I'm not octomom.  I don't have a history of IVF/fertility success:

1. My three-follicle IUI failed

2.  My two genetically-tested embryos failed

3.  I never took birth control pills (or any chemical form of contraceptives) before infertility treatment, yet I've never even been a little bit pregnant.

In not so may words, I explained that she'd be humanely disposing of said embryos, but she wouldn't bite the bait.  She's sticking with her plan.  So, let's all hope T & L don't have to go to the transfer dance without C (I've dubbed these embryos 'The Rotties' and 'TLC'.  TLC, after the 90s r & b group, is more positive, right? Unless you think about Left Eye's demise, but I digress.)

Since my transfer is Tuesday/Tomorrow, I will only do one day of bed rest, which is against Witch Doctor's wishes.  However, Dr. Google tells me that the bed rest thing is largely subjective.  Each doctor has his or her own theory that really has no scientific backing.  I can't take off two days.  I'm coming off vacation.  It's bad enough that I have to call in sick the day I'm supposed to return from vacation.  I'm sure my boss will not be happy.

The best part of this all is that I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test on Christmas. LOL!  I'm not doing that.  Or Maybe I will.  I'll have a day to sulk.  I don't know.  I think I'll test the 26th.  That way I won't be able to have a complete meltdown because I'll have to go to work.

Ok...the real BEST part is that this will be all over before the New Year, which is what I wanted.  I get a fresh start for 2014.  God, I am so ready for that fresh start.

That's probably more than anyone wanted to know, but if you made it this far, thanks so much for listening.

RAISING WALLY

We have had Wally for two weeks and man, is he a challenge.  (Well, he's really been with us three weeks, but it took me a week to put this up.  I don't know why.)

Look at him.  He's a handsome blue merle, complete with a single, bewitching blue eye encased in a black splash.  Now you're probably wondering if he has a second eye.  Why yes he does!  In the right light, it looks green, but it's really hazel.

The tools:

Roxie.  

No one checks Wally like this little dachshund mix.

Toys.  Wally is classified (by me) as a bonafide chewer.  We need lots of toys to keep his attention

Husband. This is a team effort.  Wally can take down a one-person operation with the shake of his nubby tail.

Crate.  Can you believe me and the hubby actually contemplated not crating this dog?  OMG, he would have chewed up the walls.

Patience.  I don't have any.  Thank God for my husband.

Food.  He likes Taste of the Wild.  He's a straight up meat fella

Treats.  He doesn't want any of that liver stuff.  He must have heard about the bad versions from China.  We get him Natural Balance Lamb meat rolls.  If he knows I have a slice in my pocket, he is beyond attentive.  This stuff is dog crack. Roxie is also hooked.

Wally Breakdown:

Day 1.  Roxie disliked him and thought by ignoring him, he would disappear.

Day 2.  Wally figured out the doggie door

Day 5.  We didn't properly latch Wally's crate.  When the dog walker arrived, he greeted her at the door.  He chewed a tassle off the back of a shoe, but it took us days to notice.  He also left a little pee puddle, which the dog walker cleaned up for us.  I figure things could have been a lot worse.  We now double check the latch

Day 13.  Roxie finally realized that he's not going away.  She plays with him, disciplines him and steals the toys they're supposed to share.

Keeps Getting Better

My life just keeps getting better.  I had to drop my pants in the doctor's office so my husband could give me my first estrogen shot in the butt.  OMG!

It was quite embarrassing, but it didn't hurt at all.  He has to give me these lovely shots every three days for the next two weeks.  I feared I'd have to give myself at least one of the shots because I'm going out of town.  However, it works out that hubby can give me a shot right before I leave and I'll be due for another when I return.  THANK GOODNESS.  There's no way I could have handled that.
Ok...I guess I could handle that, but I don't want to. I admire the self-shooters.  They are a brave batch of women.  I am a chicken.

Debby Downer

I know this is the time to be all thankful and grateful, but whatever.  2013 has been a total bitch for me, so I'll be the Debby Downer that says 'eff' all this happy shiz.

1.  I hate my new job and I plan to quit it in six months.  That's if I'm lucky enough to find a new job, or they fire me so I can collect unemployment.  However, I am thankful that, at the moment, the insurance is paying for this FET.

2.  I hate IVF and infertility.   I would still be the sweet, optimistic person who found the positive in everything, had a never jumped into this mess.

3.  I wish there was a way to tell my mother that I'm not being mean or disrespectful when I don't take her calls.  She just happens to call when I am at my lowest moments.  I feel it's better not to share those moments with her.  You'd think since she knows I've had my ass kicked in every possible way this year, she'd figure it out.  Instead, she chooses to label me as being somehow rebellious, even though I'm 33.  What the hell do I have to rebel against?

4.  It was great to meet a woman who boasted about her ability to grow really big babies.  She went on to recommend that I smoke during my third trimester of pregnancy to make small ones.  HaHaHa!!  How funny, right?  EXCEPT I CAN'T GET PREGNANT.  HAHAHAHAHA!  If at some point IVF works for me, there's a large chance I'd have a premature child. HAHAHAHA!  I guess smoking would make that all better for me, right?  Oh fertile people...so funny.

Can't you tell I'm in a glorious mood for the holidays?  I'm so excited that I get to mix this attitude with a round of estrogen and progesterone shots.  2013 just keeps getting better.  Thank goodness there's only a month of it left.

In 2014, The new puppy, Wally, and I will waste as much time and money as possible learning agility.  That's if Roxie doesn't kill him first.  I am thankful for my very patient husband, my extended family and my precious, precious puppies.  I wouldn't have made it this far without Roxie.  And although Wally is loud and needs to sleep later in the morning, he is a great addition to our pack.

Game On

Soooo...It looks like this month I will be transferring the "Rotties."  However, after a lot of thinking, I've decided to name them TLC.  You know? After the girl group from the 90s... I figure those girls were just as wild and rotten as my remaining embryos.

I had my third HSG this week.  It was far better than the last one.  Even though I got it done outside the doctor's office, the Witch Doctor came to the hospital to perform it herself.  Thank Goodness.  You know I like to insult her, but I have to give credit where it is due.  She made the process a lot easier.  However, there was still drama in the radiology room.

Witch Doctor: "(to me) I'm sorry, I didn't warm up this instrument for you.  It's going to be a little cold. Ok?

Me: "Ok."

Other Doctor:  "Why don't you use a plastic one. It won't be cold?"

Witch Doctor:  "The plastic one hurts so much.  Metal is better for comfort."

Other Doctor:  "But you can do so much more with the plastic."

Witch Doctor:  "I'm okay with using the metal on my patients."

Uhhmmm...It felt like 'Other Doctor' didn't realize a real human being was on the table listening to all of this.  I was glad Witch Doctor stuck to her guns.  The insertion was no problem.  Of course when that dye went through my nether regions, there was a painful amount of cramping.  It wasn't anything I couldn't handle.  Keep in mind, I didn't take any meds.  I forgot to bring my ibuprofen along with me because I'm clearly a genius.

So now I'm waiting for the results from that.  As it stands my protocol will be different from the last transfer.  Witch doctor has prescribed estrogen shots.  She says, "they go in your tooshie.  you can totally handle it."  I'm glad she's all-knowing.  I haven't had to deal with any butt shots, so this is a new endeavor for me.  We shall see how it works out.

Once this transfer is over, I'll likely disappear from the TTC world.  I'll still blog and read blogs, but I won't undergo any procedures.  I need to save up for the next round of complete IVF.  My insurance covers a decent amount, but not all of it.  I'm NEVER taking out a loan for something like this again. Remember! No cash. No IVF.  Defeat is much easier when the impact of debt does NOT follow it.

Mini Updates

Random Conversation

Me: I really don't think the doctor is very invested in this transfer.  I had to ask her about vitamins and supplements

Hubby:  I think she's afraid of you.  You can use this to your advantage to get great care.

Although I like to call the RE witch doctor, I certainly hope she's not afraid of me.  I'm all bark and absolutely no bite.  I barely even bark.  It's more like a whimper.  I guess I shouldn't worry about supplements and such since I took everything under the sun last time, and still got a negative.

Random Crying

I cried when I read a blog about a woman having twins, after five IVFs.  I cried when I found out a woman I'd never met had her adoption cancelled at the last moment. The birth mother changed her mind.  Finally, I cried when I watched a YouTube video of a woman who had a healthy set of IUI triplets.  They actually started out as quintuplets.

Wally

The puppy comes home on Saturday.  I think we may have gone a little overboard in preparation for his arrival.  It's kind of exciting and sad.  I am pretty sure that instead of being a cat lady, I'll be the dog lady.  I'll have like five Australian Shepherds on a rundown piece of property in the back hills of some country town.

Roxie

She is queen of the castle and the car.  There's not much more to say than that.

Bad Breakup

I decided to dump my shrink.  That woman is costing me too much damn money.  I came up with a plan, practiced it in my mind, and prepared to execute it.  But things didn't work out that way.  WTF?!

Here's what happened...

I decided to move forward with my final transfer with my rotten embryos, dubbed "The Rotties."  I figured that I no longer needed the shrink because if I use The Rotties, that effectively ends this chapter of my life.  However, I hadn't found a way to talk to my Hubby about this.  Somehow with the help of the Shrink, I got it all out.

I said that I was ready to do this, but only because I want to be done.  I wanted it all over by December 31st. My husband...he's still very hopeful.  It's hard sometimes because I can't be like that anymore.  It cost me too much last time, but it's selfish to snuff out his joy, right?

The doctor reminded me...us...that nothing we feel is wrong and no ones feelings should be discounted.   She said my emotions will swell and I have to deal with that.

Damn!  With that, I couldn't dump her.  I realized I will need her guidance at least until this entire ordeal is over.  I just wish her services and trained wisdom were free.

So I emailed the witch doctor to get the party started.  She told me that if my cycle starts on time, the transfer and two week wait should be complete before the start of 2014.  I'd prefer to end 2013 with a negative, instead of starting the new year with such bad news.  I did that at the beginning of this year and it sucked.  Aside from my new job, this entire year sucked.

I didn't really know how I was going to pay for this, as my savings is depleted and I have a big loan to pay from the failed cycle.  Imagine my excitement when the doctor's office called to say that with my insurace, the bill for the transfer should be about $280.  Say what?  However, my insurance company could not say if the transfer would be counted as one of the three lifetime IVFs they help cover.

My doctor's office doesn't think it should, but of course, it's not their call.  Well, I can afford $280.  So yeah...All "Three Rotties" are going in and after December, I won't have to pay their rent anymore.  I'll be an empty-nester?  But I'll still make payments for that pesky loan that financed their creation.

Please remember that IVF is for suckers!

The Visit

At the risk of his own safety, the hubby woke me up at the crack of dawn (ok. it was 7:45am) and got me going to that dreaded RE appointment.  The bonus? He bought me a tasty latte:-)

The appointment was interesting.  I felt no emotions during it.  In fact, I fought the urge to sleep in the big, comfy chairs in the doctor's office.  I thought this appointment would be to start all over.  I was wrong.  It was kind of a postmortem for the failure.

The doctor told us that my negative came with a string of  other non-positives for her office and it shook her up.  She explained that she never questioned my tubes before the failure, but since the embryos didn't stick, despite being chromosomally normal, that was one of the variables that she figured could have gone wrong for us.

When I got my negative, I was very angry that she immediately referenced the Fallopian tube issue and questioned why she didn't throw out that scenario before the transfer.  Well as you can see, she explained away that problem.

She also told us that the two other folks who got negatives at the same time as me are now happily pregnant because they tried again.  Alright...I guess I felt some emotion at that point.  I kind of wanted to slap her.  Sorry that I'm not rich and I couldn't risk more of my hard-earned money on a chance.  But, the feeling wasn't really that strong.  I just figured my non-trying-non-pregnancy-non-luck is just par for the course with me.  

Anyway I digress.  She went on to say that two of my three remaining embryos are really good.  If we did a transfer, she'd want to put all three in.  Something about that angered me, which is funny because I've always said that if I did another transfer, I'd just put them all in to get it over with.

I left feeling like she really didn't care and I didn't really care.  But upon speaking with my husband, I realized that he really does care.  So no matter what, I will take this next step for him.  I don't know when I'll begin a protocol, but I'll do it.

Gosh, my blog is really depressing, right?  Ugh!

I promise that it will become more light-hearted soon.  In just two weeks, my beloved puppy will be coming home.  I'm sure I will have plenty of posts about him driving me nuts because as the breeder's daughter told us, he's a whiner:-)  He confirmed the assessment during our visit last weekend.  I'm just hoping Roxie is nice to him.

Reckoning

My day of reckoning is a day away.  I have an appointment with my RE to possibly jump start this little infertility battle once again on Tuesday.

I've thought about canceling it because all of the signs seem to be telling me to run. Here's a prime example:  last week I was supposed to go in for a Dye test.  Well, I woke up that morning to no running water!  What?!  There was trouble with the water line running through the complex, so water had to be shut off for the repairs.  That's fine. I just wish someone had notified folks that this was going to happen.  We were all knocking on each others doors trying to figure out what happened.

It took three hours to repair the water line.  Well, that wasn't early enough to prepare for my doctor's visit.  I know many of you will say, "so."  To that I say, the hubby and I had a romantic rump the night before. There was no way in hell I was going in to have my legs spread wide for dye, without washing the lady parts thoroughly.

Since all I could do was boil water and take a pot bath ( or a HOE bath, as my mother called it), thorough wasn't happening.  I just kept thinking, this must be a message from the universe.  I mean the dye test can only be taken on certain days of your cycle and the facility only had one appointment that fit my schedule.  How is it that on that single day, there's no running water at my place?  Whatever!

I explained my rationale to my husband.  Of course, he didn't buy it.  I talked to the expensive-ass shrink about it.  She said it's time to go.  It's time to explain to my doctor where I think she went wrong and move on with treatment, or find someone else.

Since the shrink pretty much challenged me to act like an adult, I'm putting on my biggest big girl panties and I'm going.

I figure if the aftermath of the meeting doesn't include me in a puddle of tears, all will be well.

Bacon and Fertility

Researchers know how to take the fun out of every damn thang!  Now they say bacon can lower a man's sperm count.  Click here, if you don't believe me.

Conversation with Hubby:

Me: "Researchers say too much bacon lowers sperm count."

Hubs:  "I don't eat bacon that much, so I don't have to worry about it."

Isn't it sad that our conversations have been reduced to the topics of meat and sperm? 

Insurance & Puppy

"You're fertile right now.  Did you know that?"

That is the fabulous question my much maligned (by me) RE asked me the day before my birthday.  I went to her for the ever popular Pap smear.  SHE was the poster child for professionalism.  I was the perfect example of a nut job:-)

Here's the thing: Just the day before that, I found out that my new insurance covers infertility treatment.  In fact,  it covers up to 70% of 3 in-network IVFs.  I started crying with joy into the phone, as Bianca, the customer service rep, told me all of this.  In five minutes, I planned another march down the aisle of infertility treatment.

I thought I would take this information to my Pap smear, give Doc a high five, and get the ART party started again.  But I couldn't.  It's almost like I was walking-- no running, then my feet got stuck in quick sand and I couldn't move.

I sat there while she gently reminded me that she's there when I'm ready, and I said nothing. *sigh*  I felt like crap. I felt confused.  I felt angry.  I don't know.  Maybe it was her optimism.  My body always shows signs of fertility every month and every month, I'm NOT pregnant.

That's neither here nor there and obviously, I'm an idiot.  I talked things over with Hubby and Shrink. They encouraged me to get over myself.  So I picked up the phone and made an appointment.

It's next month.  I have time to cancel.

Meantime, Hubs and I found a new baby!!  That's right, we're getting a puppy next month for Roxie.  We met the pup over the weekend.  He's about three weeks old.  His mom and pop have great dispositions.  Hopefully, their great traits will rub off on him.  He's an Australian Shepherd!!!

Most importantly, I made sure not to insult anyone during the "interview" process:-)

I told Hubs that this is my chance to feel what a pregnant lady feels.  I have five/six weeks to prepare for the arrival of my Boy!

Oh Hey, Girl!

I know why I've been a crying, hot mess the past two days.  Ol' Aunt Flo greeted me today.  Although I hate her, I was glad to see her.  At least there was a reason for my complete emotional break down.  Who melts down like that, after seeing a shrink for more than a month?  I'll tell you who.  She's a woman who had too many Aunt Flo hormones coursing through her veins.

Damn!

Now, I'm at home with my three favorite things: My man, my dog and my glass of wine.  Oh Yeah!

So instead of continuing down my path of sadness, I say to Aunt Flo, "Oh hey, Girl.  Don't get too comfortable because your ass will be gone in about five days."  :-)

One of THOSE women

I cried myself to sleep last night, as I continued to chant how much I still want babies.  You've probably read this statement a lot on my blog, but I thought I was past this phase.  I'm tired of crying and being sad about being infertile.

There's something I've been tossing around.  I think I'm going to stop lying when people ask me why I don't have children.  I lie to keep them from feeling awkward, but it just leaves me feeling sad.  Why should I protect them at my own expense?  I mean REALLY!  It's one thing to ask someone if they have children.  It's entirely something else when you follow up with, "why don't you have children?"

I would pose all of this to my shrink, but she will be on vacation this week.  Let me tell you, I'm kind of freaking out about this.  I've become one of "those women."  I need my damn shrink.  Why do shrinks need vacations anyway?  What do they do all day?  Talk to people?  Who needs a vacation from that?

I've been told that the process of mourning takes a year to work its way through your psyche.  I'm three months in.  I thought I was on the accelerated track, but after last night, I'm pretty sure I'm average.

If I had been special, blessed or privileged enough to have a successful FET, I would be three months pregnant now.  Buuut...woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?

Shrink says the desire for children won't ever go away.  Isn't that shitty?  It's like I'm chasing my tail trying to find peace, but that damn tail just keeps getting in the way.  So my new job keeps my mind off the baby thing during the week, except when nosey folks ask why I don't have children.  I guess the weekends are when it all blows over and I short-circuit.

Small, Strange Updates

1.  I am working hard at this new job.  They are making me earn my money.  It's fun.  I hope I learn and grow.

2.  My shrink...ugh!  I told her that I am acknowleging that I still want kids, but I hope the desire dissipates.  She's says it will always be there and never go away.  I kind of wanted to smack her, but the truth hurts, right?

3.  I am going to my old RE for my yearly, girly checkup next month.

4.  I found a new RE who has a year waiting list.  I promptly put myself on it for a FET.  I lied and told them that if the FET doesn't work, I want another IVF.  While at some point my mind may want another expensive-assed-IVF, my wallet surely won't allow it.

5.  I have spent the last couple of months making fun of my husband for taking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to lunch.  Well, guess who jumped on the PB&J bandwagon?  That would be me:-)

Roxie

I don't know if I've adequately introduced you all to my sweet puppy Roxie.  Ok...she's an adult dog.  She's almost four.  Take a look.  Can you guess what she is?  She's a
Dachshund/Maltese mix (at least that's what we were told).

It turns out that me and this lil' girl were both going through a rough time...at the same time.  She was mourning the loss of our dog, Missy--- her mother-figure and best friend.  I was devastated by my failed IVF.

Now, Roxie and I are making strides.  I never realized that a dog could mourn.  She is such a different girl now.  We've had to change our approach to bring her out of her funk.  She hates walking, but she loves a car ride.  I waste a lot of gas taking this crazy dog on joy rides.  

She's helping me too.  While she despises our morning walks, she knows that after the walk comes the car ride.  So she endures it.

I often complain about this dog on the blog, but it's all in jest.  She cracks me up and makes me smile.  We wanted to get a new dog to keep her company, but for now, we seem to be ok.  We're slowing, but surely recovering.  A new dog won't replace Missy for Roxie, just like nothing will fill the hole in my heart for a child.  So...we're adapting and moving forward.  That's all anyone can do:-)

It Ain't Over

I got a new job.  I'm going to the competitor of my old employer.  So!  My old boss walked me out, after I handed in my two week notice. That means I'm sitting in the house chilling until my new job begins.

That gives me lots of time to think about my infertility, my shrink and my embryos.  You're probably wondering how and where my husband fits into all of this.  Well, he's omnipresent in all of those things.

Anyway back to my soap opera entitled, "As The Infertility Turns."

Before the show begins, we should have a recap of the past.  

The long-suffering and hard-working infertile, Erika failed in her IVF attempt.  She spiraled into a strange depression, took too many pills, went to a shrink and is now on the road to recovery?

Now onto the new episode.

After weeks of visiting a shrink, crying and spilling her guts, Erika's not-so-secret cloud of anger has dissipated.  Instead of nearly killing herself trying to get over her desire for children, she's embracing it.  (some may consider that dumb.  It's kind of like the crackhead embracing the desire for crack? Whatever!)

Erika has come to terms with the fact that she will return to the infertility world at some point because she has three embryos and she's tired of paying for their frozen dorm.

Alright, I'm dropping the third person. It's strange.

I've decided that at some point, I will transfer the three remaining embryos.  This time it's not with the hope of having children.  It's to be done with the entire situation.  It will probably be a year before I do it because I'm starting a new job.  I need to concentrate 110% on that.  An FET wouldn't allow for that.

Anyway I've decided that it will kind of be like an infertile version of 'Survivor.'

Can my three girls survive that mine field that is my body?

I won't deny my desire for children because that was part of my mental break.  I have to just deal with the desire and the sadness it brings.  It's not bad and I can still smile.  I can still cry over it and it's not the end of the world.

Now back to, "As The Infertility Turns!"

Erika must now tuck her tail between her legs (I've been hanging with my dog too much.  I'm starting to mimic her), and go back to the witch doctor.  Erika needs a Pap smear and doesn't want to deal with a gynecologist and answering all of those questions about her troubled lady parts.  The witch doctor already knows about them.  Erika's insurance likely won't cover the visit, but Erika is willing to pay just to avoid telling another soul about this tricky infertility journey.

Bad Shrink

I went to this shrink so she could help me move forward with a life without children.  I don't think she is helping at all.  

I mean sure, she's helped me understand that I don't deal well with sadness, but that's not why I went to her.  I went to her to help me end this yearning... this desire for children.  Instead, it's bubbled back up to the surface.

*sigh*  It's okay though. I won't let it consume me.  I'll just deal with it.  It's okay for me to want children.  I'll deal with it.  Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it.  I can't have this.  It's that simple.

I do things to cope.  I told my husband about my thoughts, I wrote down the baby name that floated through my mind, and I blamed the shrink for helping all of this surface:-)

Now I have to make sure I tell her about them and hope that she makes me feel...un-crazy?  

Oh who cares?  I already know I'm crazy :-)

Babies aren't all I think about.

-I'm working out a little bit, despite my horrible knees

-I'm slowly, but surely reading an awesome book called, "In Search of Satisfaction."

-I think my thyroid may be a real issue, so I'm searching for a primary care physician to help me out.

-I resigned from my job.  I'm waiting for my background check to come through so I can start a new gig.  Holy Crap!

More Shrink Talk

My shrink told me I don't know how to handle pain and sadness.

I was like, "Whaaaaat?"

She says you have to teach yourself.  It's kind of like  learning to hold your breath under water for as long as you can, until your defense mechanisms kick in and propel you back to the surface.

I was like "Huh?"

 Who WANTS the ability to deal with sadness?  Shouldn't you do all you can to make it go away immediately?  You smile, push away the pain and sadness, and eliminate all reminders of it.  And Bam!  Things are right with the world again.

 

Anyway, the shrink's words tumbled around in my brain all day.  I realized that whatever she paid for her degrees,  may have helped her stump me on this one. HA!

I couldn't push away the pain of my FET failure and I couldn't get rid of all the reminders.  When I failed at the "make-myself-ok" mission I'd successfully completed so many times  in the past,  I snapped.  I lost all control and tried to make myself disappear because I was the reminder of the pain. 

"What does crying get you?  Nothing!" 

That's what my Mother used to tell me.  It was my motto for a long time.  As I 

got older, I allowed myself to cry more, but I viewed it as a growing weakness.  

I mean...I guess what I'm trying to say is sadness is a weakness to me.  That's why I tried so hard to quickly get over my FET, but all of my attempts failed miserably.

I still don't understand how one learns to handle sadness and pain, without being just a sad person to be around.  I guess I have to work to understand that, but I did realize that my ideas about sadness are the real weakness.  I hope to correct it in the future.

I don't know what's next for me, but as usual, I hope it includes weight loss:-)

Three Pounds!

I'm down three pounds!  Of course, now that I've written it, I'll probably go up again:-)
I had to stop my beloved Turbo Fire because my body rebelled, but there's an upside.  My dog finally got out of her funk.

My older and larger dog passed away some months ago and our smaller, younger dog really hasn't been right since.  She never liked walking before, but she totally rebelled after we lost Missy.  Here we are three months later, and she's finally letting me walk her on the trail, which is fantastic.  I love my dogs, but I always have one around because they keep me mobile.  The fact that my little girl wasn't in the mood, wasn't helping me at all.

Now that she's back in the groove, I've slowly returned to the old habit of morning walks.  My knees just hurt so badly.  Ugh!  Anyways, I'm not giving up hope on reclaiming a life that's ten to fifteen pounds lighter.  Hopefully the walking and my new super-arch-support shoes will help me get a little stronger.

I told my husband that after my FET failed, I felt like my body just started to betray me in every way possible.  He questioned if some of it may be mental.  He's not suggesting I'm imagining it, but that maybe I'm perpetuating it because of my overwhelming sadness.

*Sigh*

I don't want to be sad anymore and vowed to myself that I'd fight my way back.  I'll never be the same again, but I at least want to be fun?

Ok...now that all of that drama is out the way...

1.  I finished a book called "Flight Behaviour."  It's by Barbara Kingsolver.  It's a fictional tale about butterflies and a country family.  The overall message is no matter what the change or adversity, somehow we're equipped to find a way to survive anyway.  It should have been motivating for me, but I was annoyed by the way the message was delivered.  This book definitely did not live up to the standards set by Kingsolver's "Poisonwood Bible."

2.  I followed up the above book with Chinua Achebe's "Things Fall Apart."  Achebe was a Nigerian writer and his tale centers around a strong and prideful man named Okonkwo.  Through him and his village we learn that if you do not accept change and do not protect all, you can lose an entire way of life.  You know?  It's like the ol' united we stand, divided we fall.

3.  Now I'm reading a book called "In Search of Satisfaction" by J. California Cooper.  I'm only 19 pages in and I'm loving it so far.

Random Celebrity Thoughts

I used to crave stories from celebrities and high-profile people talking about beating infertility.  Now I hate them all.  Why?  Well now they have everything: success, money AND a baby.  Damn!!  Can I get something?  Oh yeah...I did.  DEBT and 10 POUNDS!

In my mind I've totally been thinking about Jimmy Fallon and the Star Wars Dude.  They both used some form of assisted reproductive treatment, but whatever!  There's always a chance when cash is endless.  I've also wanted to talk about the actor who donated sperm to an old girlfriend and pretty much gave up paternal rights.  This same actor got back with the girlfriend and fell in love with the child, but when the couple split again, baby-mama told him to step off!  Now he's fighting for parental rights and could ultimately change how sperm donation is handled in this country.

 I can't formulate my thoughts for these individuals because I'm still so jaded by my own failure/situation...whatever you want to call it.  So I've got nothing, but jumbled thoughts that don't flow freely onto the keyboard.

........

When sinners are dipped in the holy water, they say they are born again.  If only it wasn't symbolic...
If only I could find a way to get a mulligan... If only...

Stuff!

1.  The shrink says I'm in mourning.

2.  I want to go shopping, but I'm broke. (I've started watching Sex & The City again.  Broke folks just shouldn't watch it.)

3.  I have not been working out, but it isn't far from my mind.  My knees have just been awful.  They are finally starting to feel better and hopefully, I'll be able to gently jump back into Turbo Fire next week.  

Shrink Wrapped

Holy! Crap!

I went to a shrink.  I actually went...and I hated it!!  I hated it, but I'm going back.

Here's the breakdown: She says I'm depressed.

My secret response: No shit, Sherlock.

My husband accompanied me on this particular journey and he was very helpful.  It turns out that I don't like talking face-to-face with  strangers about personal situations.  As you can probably guess,  I cried.  I cried a lot!!

She didn't talk as much as I thought she would, which was odd.  I don't know how you fill an hour with the delicate verbal dance of, "how does that make you feel?"

We laughed at her and me when it was all over, but then... I don't know.

She said people never feel better after the first session and boy was she right. I could barely get through work.  The next day? I sobbed before work.  Sobbed.

The drive to the office didn't help to calm my emotions.  So I called the shrink and made another appointment.

I don't really know how that will help. I'm in a strange place.  I needed help to continue to fail at trying to conceive and now I need help with the tragedy of it all.  A margarita is nicer, stronger and cheaper.  Of course I think the overindulgence of it causes more wrinkles and weight gain. I'm good at weight gain.

Doctor Review

Below you will find the review I would post on Yelp, if I wasn't a punk.

Dr. XX is an extremely compassionate doctor and far more accessible than her counterparts, who often pawn you off to nurses.  However, she is human. I need you to remember that.  Would I recommend you to her? Yes. She is always available via email etc.  She is always there for you.  Would I give you a warning? Yes. Read below.

Think for yourself. That seems obvious, but keep reading and hopefully my examples will make you understand why I am telling you this.

1. The day she set a trigger date for my IUI, I asked her about my blood work.  She told me not to worry about it.  We'd talk about it later. After my IUI failed, she told me I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) or old eggs.  This should have been my first and only clue to leave the practice or thinking carefully about following her advice.  While she hadn't lied to me directly, she'd lied by omission. I wouldn't have gone forward with the $400 procedure had I known my condition.

2. Because of my old eggs, she said she only expected me to have about two viable eggs out of ten in an IVF situation.  She told me it would be best to genetically test any resulting embryos to be sure they were chromosomally normal.  I took out a loan for my procedures like so many other women.  I chose a package based on the idea that I would be lucky, if I produced any viable embryos at all.  Well, I had 11 eggs.  They all fertilized.  Six made it to day-5 blastocysts.  Five passed genetic testing.  Turns out the genetic testing didn't matter.  I put two chromosomally normal embryos back and my IVF failed.  I didn't even get a chemical pregnancy. It just failed.

3.  After my failure she told me she thought my right tube might have fluid.  My only thought was, "why did she let me go through with this if she thought I had a problem tube?" I had already delayed my transfer over concerns about my fibroids. She assured me there was nothing to worry about it. I guess she forgot about my tube, until my IVF failed.

I am out of options now and out of money. I did everything she told me--- down to the supplements and it didn't work.  That's okay. She's not "god."  However, my pain was magnified because I felt her optimism and compassion may have been misleading. I believed in her because of glowing reviews like the ones below (yelp).  

I'm not here to discourage you from seeing her.  I just want you to be realistic, which I wasn't. Be realistic. If it's meant to be it will happen and I don't think it matters which doctor you see, as long as you have the ability to keep trying.  If you're like me and don't have an infinite supply of money, be thorough and ask lots of questions.  Most important of all, try not to see her when she's pregnant. It hurts more when your doc has a baby and you're still barren.

Crazy?

What if I told you I went through my medical records and found the genders of my embryo-twins?


Does that make me crazy?


What if I told you the dog below runs my LIFE?

I'm crazy, right?

Sh*t Happens

Shit!

I started researching new doctors.  I am broke!  Why the hell am I looking up new doctors?  I must be the dumbest person on the entire earth.

I thought I found a decent candidate, but she ended her YouTube video by saying, "women just need to be open to the journey."  That's like saying the abused should just be open to the journey.  Be open to the fist slamming into your face!

I guess I am open to the fist slamming into my face. Otherwise I wouldn't have been googling.

Note to self: stop googling charlatans known as infertility specialists.

The place storing my embryos is implementing a new policy.  They want everyone to sign up for electronic payment.  The wording of the note made it sound mandatory.  I have to call to get this all straightened out.  I pay my bills on time, but I pay them when I want to.  I don't like having automation.    I'd rather just give a lump sum payment for the year.

Anyway their little note made me realize I have to do something.  I have to give the embryos a try or let them thaw out.


Double Shit!

I wish I lived in the world of Mad Men. I'd be sipping a strong, VERY STRONG cocktail right now.
I had a shrink appointment this week.  Of course I cancelled it.  Here's a secret: I made another one.  Maybe I'll actually go this time.  I can't believe I need to pay someone to listen to me rant out loud.  Is that a sign of narcissism or self-importance?  Maybe I should just go to confession.  According to Mad Men, the priests listen for free.



Triple Shit!

I really messed up my knee.  I don't know what to do.  I need to do something fast though.  My weight is disturbing.


Oh what the hell...shots anyone?

More Money

Me:  I would like to request a copy of my records.

Doctor's office employee:  It takes about a week.  Do you want them sent to a doctor or to you?

Me:  Send them to me.

Doctor's office employee:  We charge $35.


Of course they charge $35.  *sigh*  I paid the fee.  I really wish I had bought a fancy car, instead of trying IVF.  I shall repeat my mantra of late, "IVF is for suckers!"

Chivalry is Dead

A very pregnant woman walked onto a packed train.  I watched as another rider quickly jumped up so the future mommy could have a seat.  Guest what?  That courteous person was NOT a man.  It was a another female rider.

The men did not blink an eye.  I'm used to men not offering me a seat.  It's sad, but I'm used to it.  I'm of the ordinary variety.  But I'm still stunned that men will watch a pregnant woman or an older woman struggle on a long train ride and act like they don't see it.

If I was of the reproducing kind, I would teach my son some manners.  It's gotten quite ridiculous.  I'm all for gender equality and all, but damn,  I'm a freakin' lady.  Treat me as such.

I say all of this knowing full well that I got my pregnant co-worker/friend to drive me to lunch.  I should be trying to help her, not bumming a ride.  LOL! I'm just kidding.  I know pregnancy is not an illness.

I'm Old

I'm old and my knees still hurt.  *sigh*  I just ordered some new shoes and hopefully that will help.  This week, I am jumping back into Turbo Fire and I'm forcing my little dog to go on a longer walk (20 minutes, instead of five minutes).  Her laziness is only encouraging my sedentary lifestyle and that is not a good thing (but I still love her to pieces).

I'm hoping this week is a good week.  Last week wasn't so good for me. I'll write about it when I'm not so embarrassed by it.

Now let's talk about happier stuff.

I've finished all three seasons of Downton Abbey!  I need season four PRONTO!  I am almost finished with season 2 of Mad Men.  I like this show, but I think Downton Abbey is better:-)

I just started a book called Flight Behaviour by Barbara Kingsolver.  So far, it's good. Unfortunately, I've been reading it on my iPhone and guess what?  My eyes hurt.  I need some glasses and that further proves that I'm simply OLD.  I'm starting to wonder if my parents are lying about my date of birth:-)

Listen To Me!

If you are considering IVF and you can't pay cash for it, DON'T DO IT.  Listen to me, PLEASE!  It sucks being in debt for something that failed. Seriously! If  you don't have the cash, don't do it.  It's that simple.  Don't fall for the con job.  No cash, no IVF.  That's it.  I used to think people who advised this were bitter.  They are.  They are bitter and smart.  They know. LISTEN!

I took out a $20,000+ loan for this crap based on the doctor office's calculations.  Well guess what?  I just got a bill in the mail for another $1700 dollars.  It's for stuff that should have been covered in the money that was already sent to the damn office.  I sent a detailed and nasty email to them, to which I received a response saying they will investigate.  GREAT!

Also, keep up with all of your receipts.  Don't be an idiot like me.

Anyway back to the bill.  The Doctor sent me two detailed sheets of my charges and payments.  Apologized for including the $1300 FET, which was already paid.  She also said she'd waive the additional charges since they weren't properly explained to me.  She dropped this gem too.

"I don't get involved in things like this but in this case, I have decided to be the one to follow-up because of how important you are to me."

Important my ass.  Once again, I told her I didn't want her charity.  I sent her a check (I didn't call in my credit card number because someone forgot to post the payment I tried to make in June so I could be done with this sh*t) for the near $400.  She's really getting on my nerves with that crap.  Either she was cheating me to begin with, she knows she did something wrong or she thinks I want a handout.  I won't begin to explain the stereotypes that conjures up for me.  It really angers me.  I don't want anything for free. I know it was my choice to undergo those treatments.  I don't expect anyone to pick up the tab, but me.  I just don't like STUPID mistakes.

For the most part, her staff is excellent, but seriously! To charge someone for something they've already paid for, after it has failed.... Why don't you just stab me in the stomach?  No really.  That would be easier to handle.

There is a good part to all of this.  As I mentioned before, I did a piss poor job keeping up with receipts and such.  Well, now they are all printed out on a nice spread sheet.  Plus, I paid for everything with a credit card, so I'm able to print out the payments for meds.  I'm not sure exactly what I can use during tax time, but I'm sure it's something.  Now I don't have to ask for this stuff later.  Hooray for me!

Now, I'm just hoping to be done with all of this for good.  I've paid every bill that's come my way.  Hopefully no more will arrive.  I need to just be finished with it.

Remember!  No cash, no IVF.  Say no to IVF loans.  Just say NO!