I cried myself to sleep last night, as I continued to chant how much I still want babies. You've probably read this statement a lot on my blog, but I thought I was past this phase. I'm tired of crying and being sad about being infertile.
There's something I've been tossing around. I think I'm going to stop lying when people ask me why I don't have children. I lie to keep them from feeling awkward, but it just leaves me feeling sad. Why should I protect them at my own expense? I mean REALLY! It's one thing to ask someone if they have children. It's entirely something else when you follow up with, "why don't you have children?"
I would pose all of this to my shrink, but she will be on vacation this week. Let me tell you, I'm kind of freaking out about this. I've become one of "those women." I need my damn shrink. Why do shrinks need vacations anyway? What do they do all day? Talk to people? Who needs a vacation from that?
I've been told that the process of mourning takes a year to work its way through your psyche. I'm three months in. I thought I was on the accelerated track, but after last night, I'm pretty sure I'm average.
If I had been special, blessed or privileged enough to have a successful FET, I would be three months pregnant now. Buuut...woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?
Shrink says the desire for children won't ever go away. Isn't that shitty? It's like I'm chasing my tail trying to find peace, but that damn tail just keeps getting in the way. So my new job keeps my mind off the baby thing during the week, except when nosey folks ask why I don't have children. I guess the weekends are when it all blows over and I short-circuit.
There's something I've been tossing around. I think I'm going to stop lying when people ask me why I don't have children. I lie to keep them from feeling awkward, but it just leaves me feeling sad. Why should I protect them at my own expense? I mean REALLY! It's one thing to ask someone if they have children. It's entirely something else when you follow up with, "why don't you have children?"
I would pose all of this to my shrink, but she will be on vacation this week. Let me tell you, I'm kind of freaking out about this. I've become one of "those women." I need my damn shrink. Why do shrinks need vacations anyway? What do they do all day? Talk to people? Who needs a vacation from that?
I've been told that the process of mourning takes a year to work its way through your psyche. I'm three months in. I thought I was on the accelerated track, but after last night, I'm pretty sure I'm average.
If I had been special, blessed or privileged enough to have a successful FET, I would be three months pregnant now. Buuut...woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?
Shrink says the desire for children won't ever go away. Isn't that shitty? It's like I'm chasing my tail trying to find peace, but that damn tail just keeps getting in the way. So my new job keeps my mind off the baby thing during the week, except when nosey folks ask why I don't have children. I guess the weekends are when it all blows over and I short-circuit.
I've cried today too. Watching one blogger have her babies (from when we cycled together nine months ago) and seeing another get a spontaneous BFP did me in. I wish I could stop comparing myself to others but I can't. I'm jealous of their success and feel like a bad person. There. You're my shrink for today. Feel like you need a vacation yet? :) I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. Wish I knew how to make it go away for both of us.
ReplyDeleteAramis, I'm always here for you. No vacations over here:-)
ReplyDeleteI've cried and celebrated with fellow bloggers as well. It's ok. Just don't be a fool like me and try to suppress your feelings.
Thanks for always being here for me. I appreciate you so much.
The desire for children wont ever go away but it will move to the background.... Peace
ReplyDelete