Crazy?

What if I told you I went through my medical records and found the genders of my embryo-twins?


Does that make me crazy?


What if I told you the dog below runs my LIFE?

I'm crazy, right?

Sh*t Happens

Shit!

I started researching new doctors.  I am broke!  Why the hell am I looking up new doctors?  I must be the dumbest person on the entire earth.

I thought I found a decent candidate, but she ended her YouTube video by saying, "women just need to be open to the journey."  That's like saying the abused should just be open to the journey.  Be open to the fist slamming into your face!

I guess I am open to the fist slamming into my face. Otherwise I wouldn't have been googling.

Note to self: stop googling charlatans known as infertility specialists.

The place storing my embryos is implementing a new policy.  They want everyone to sign up for electronic payment.  The wording of the note made it sound mandatory.  I have to call to get this all straightened out.  I pay my bills on time, but I pay them when I want to.  I don't like having automation.    I'd rather just give a lump sum payment for the year.

Anyway their little note made me realize I have to do something.  I have to give the embryos a try or let them thaw out.


Double Shit!

I wish I lived in the world of Mad Men. I'd be sipping a strong, VERY STRONG cocktail right now.
I had a shrink appointment this week.  Of course I cancelled it.  Here's a secret: I made another one.  Maybe I'll actually go this time.  I can't believe I need to pay someone to listen to me rant out loud.  Is that a sign of narcissism or self-importance?  Maybe I should just go to confession.  According to Mad Men, the priests listen for free.



Triple Shit!

I really messed up my knee.  I don't know what to do.  I need to do something fast though.  My weight is disturbing.


Oh what the hell...shots anyone?

More Money

Me:  I would like to request a copy of my records.

Doctor's office employee:  It takes about a week.  Do you want them sent to a doctor or to you?

Me:  Send them to me.

Doctor's office employee:  We charge $35.


Of course they charge $35.  *sigh*  I paid the fee.  I really wish I had bought a fancy car, instead of trying IVF.  I shall repeat my mantra of late, "IVF is for suckers!"

Chivalry is Dead

A very pregnant woman walked onto a packed train.  I watched as another rider quickly jumped up so the future mommy could have a seat.  Guest what?  That courteous person was NOT a man.  It was a another female rider.

The men did not blink an eye.  I'm used to men not offering me a seat.  It's sad, but I'm used to it.  I'm of the ordinary variety.  But I'm still stunned that men will watch a pregnant woman or an older woman struggle on a long train ride and act like they don't see it.

If I was of the reproducing kind, I would teach my son some manners.  It's gotten quite ridiculous.  I'm all for gender equality and all, but damn,  I'm a freakin' lady.  Treat me as such.

I say all of this knowing full well that I got my pregnant co-worker/friend to drive me to lunch.  I should be trying to help her, not bumming a ride.  LOL! I'm just kidding.  I know pregnancy is not an illness.

I'm Old

I'm old and my knees still hurt.  *sigh*  I just ordered some new shoes and hopefully that will help.  This week, I am jumping back into Turbo Fire and I'm forcing my little dog to go on a longer walk (20 minutes, instead of five minutes).  Her laziness is only encouraging my sedentary lifestyle and that is not a good thing (but I still love her to pieces).

I'm hoping this week is a good week.  Last week wasn't so good for me. I'll write about it when I'm not so embarrassed by it.

Now let's talk about happier stuff.

I've finished all three seasons of Downton Abbey!  I need season four PRONTO!  I am almost finished with season 2 of Mad Men.  I like this show, but I think Downton Abbey is better:-)

I just started a book called Flight Behaviour by Barbara Kingsolver.  So far, it's good. Unfortunately, I've been reading it on my iPhone and guess what?  My eyes hurt.  I need some glasses and that further proves that I'm simply OLD.  I'm starting to wonder if my parents are lying about my date of birth:-)

Listen To Me!

If you are considering IVF and you can't pay cash for it, DON'T DO IT.  Listen to me, PLEASE!  It sucks being in debt for something that failed. Seriously! If  you don't have the cash, don't do it.  It's that simple.  Don't fall for the con job.  No cash, no IVF.  That's it.  I used to think people who advised this were bitter.  They are.  They are bitter and smart.  They know. LISTEN!

I took out a $20,000+ loan for this crap based on the doctor office's calculations.  Well guess what?  I just got a bill in the mail for another $1700 dollars.  It's for stuff that should have been covered in the money that was already sent to the damn office.  I sent a detailed and nasty email to them, to which I received a response saying they will investigate.  GREAT!

Also, keep up with all of your receipts.  Don't be an idiot like me.

Anyway back to the bill.  The Doctor sent me two detailed sheets of my charges and payments.  Apologized for including the $1300 FET, which was already paid.  She also said she'd waive the additional charges since they weren't properly explained to me.  She dropped this gem too.

"I don't get involved in things like this but in this case, I have decided to be the one to follow-up because of how important you are to me."

Important my ass.  Once again, I told her I didn't want her charity.  I sent her a check (I didn't call in my credit card number because someone forgot to post the payment I tried to make in June so I could be done with this sh*t) for the near $400.  She's really getting on my nerves with that crap.  Either she was cheating me to begin with, she knows she did something wrong or she thinks I want a handout.  I won't begin to explain the stereotypes that conjures up for me.  It really angers me.  I don't want anything for free. I know it was my choice to undergo those treatments.  I don't expect anyone to pick up the tab, but me.  I just don't like STUPID mistakes.

For the most part, her staff is excellent, but seriously! To charge someone for something they've already paid for, after it has failed.... Why don't you just stab me in the stomach?  No really.  That would be easier to handle.

There is a good part to all of this.  As I mentioned before, I did a piss poor job keeping up with receipts and such.  Well, now they are all printed out on a nice spread sheet.  Plus, I paid for everything with a credit card, so I'm able to print out the payments for meds.  I'm not sure exactly what I can use during tax time, but I'm sure it's something.  Now I don't have to ask for this stuff later.  Hooray for me!

Now, I'm just hoping to be done with all of this for good.  I've paid every bill that's come my way.  Hopefully no more will arrive.  I need to just be finished with it.

Remember!  No cash, no IVF.  Say no to IVF loans.  Just say NO!

Am I The Only One?

Am I the only person tired of the Royal baby watch?  I thought this was the United States.  Let the Queen and them have their moment.  I don't need it and I certainly don't want it. Ugh!  Just tell me when this lucky-ass child is born.  I don't need daily updates on absolutely nothing.

Vacation

The unthinkable happened on my vacation!  My Mother, Father and I learned to kayak.  Holy Crap!

I can't swim and neither can my Mother.  I should also add that she normally doesn't try new things, especially when water is involved.  Well, my Aunt-in-law put us in life jackets, tied a kayak to a ski rope and put us in the water.  It was like we were on leashes, but we did it!

Mom didn't go off on her own, but she couldn't stop smiling after the experience.  Dad and I hopped in separate kayak's and hit the high seas..Ok a lake in Northern Wisconsin.  I felt so free and happy---the beautiful water and the physical exertion---it was fantastic.  Of course the fact that I can't swim crept into my mind a couple of times, but I've tested a life jacket before, and I know it does work:-)

Maybe next year I'll learn to swim.  I've been saying that every year for the past decade. Ha!

I did more things on the water.  I went canoeing with the husband and we caught a meaty fish.  My father-in-law chopped it up, flipped it and rubbed it down...I'm joking.  He cleaned it and fried it up for us.  It was delicious.

We played a little whiffle  ball, during which my father-in-law proved that physically, he's superior to all of us.  I should add that he's the oldest.  WTF?!

Before the lake retreat, I hung out with my parents in the great state of Illinois. Thanks to my cousin's graduation party, I saw a lot of my family.  It was really great. No matter the trouble, when my family gets together, we chase the demons away, at least for that moment.  I don't know how my grandparents taught us to do it, but they did.

But I have to add, being in their presence hurt a little.  It really sucks that I won't have a junior to enjoy their camaraderie.  I grew up with some great characters and even if I magically have a child someday, they'll never see my relatives the way I did because we're all getting old now.  We're all getting old.

My dog had a vacation of her own.  The Dog-Walker sent us pictures daily of Roxie and her fun shenanigans.  I feared she wouldn't like us when we returned, but she showered us with tons of kisses.   Now she's sleep next to me on the couch.  She's not supposed to be up here, but I couldn't deny her:-) 

Still Crying?

Just when I thought I was finished crying over this sh*t, I cried some more.  What the f*ck?

Period:

The B*tch made me cry.  She made me cry.  She reminded me of my defect. I'm infertile.  I get a period every month, but I can't make babies.  Thanks for that awesome reminder, Period.  I wonder how you'll feel when I schedule that hysterectomy on your ass.

Adoption:

I thought I'd get to a point where I'd be ready to think about it.  I don't want to adopt.  It's too much drama. I want my kids, not someone else's.  It's funny because my Mother and I had the worst fight of our lives over the issue of adoption.  She said some pretty mean things about it, at a time when I thought there was a chance I might attempt it.  Her thoughts on it didn't influence me at all.  I'll tell you what did.

1. I saw some old friends who adopted a child from out of the country.  They were happy and beautiful, but their stories of getting to that point scared me.  I don't have the mother's patience or compassion.  I just don't.

2. A co-worker's daughter just met her birth-mother for the first time.  I think she's like nine.  She came to tell me that the name given to her by her birth-mother is the same as mine.  Her father didn't seem bothered by it.  I did.  I couldn't imagine parenting and loving a child, only to ultimately compete with the birth-mother's love.  Not my cup of tea.

Another FET:

Not happening. Nope not ever.  I'm over the kid thing.  I'm not strong enough to keep fighting.  So I'm not fighting.  The only reason I won't have the remaining embryos destroyed is because my conscious can't handle it. 

I don't believe in miracles anymore, but I'll get into that later.  I don't want to hear stories about women who tried for decades, and one day popped up pregnant.  That's not my story.  As I close in on 33, I know that will never be my story.  Every month I still hope for a shocking pregnancy, but that's just because I'm dumb. *shoulder shrug*

Exercise:

I'm still fat.  I had to take off a week.  I tweaked my knee badly.   I even had a limp.  I plan to get some new shoes and start the Turbo Fire  program from the beginning when I return home.

God:

This is going to turn off a lot of  people, but I no longer believe in God.  It's odd because by default, I talk to this supposed deity daily and say grace before I eat.  They are habits I am working to break.  Infertility knocked the faith right out of me.  Praying won't get you anything.  Hard work gets you things, but sometimes that's not even enough.  Something is either meant for you or it's not.  

Religion is a con served up to keep those struggling from giving up and committing suicide.  I mean poor people pray their entire lives for comfort, but guess what?  Things don't get easier, their children starve, they suffer from illnesses because they can't afford medical care, and when they die, there's no money for a proper funeral.  Yet! they are some of the most devoted.

I was devastated after my FET failed, but once I stopped questioning why God did this and that, it got easier.  Once I realized there was no God and there were no spirits waiting to become my children, it got easier.  I didn't say I don't cry, but it's easier.  Now, I don't feel I owe a God anything, nor does it owe me anything.  The only being or entity I'm indebted to, is my MOM and boy is the world lucky for that.

I'm not here to preach against God.  If you believe, good for you.  Glad it works.

I was able to type out that entire thing, but just last week when I was asked if I believe in God, I couldn't denounce him out loud.  I simply said I was raised to believe in God.  So there... I'm a sucka!

Trucking Along

Despite my exercising for a full week, I am still fat:-)

Ha!

No but really, I haven't lost a pound.  However, it appears that I have stabilized, which is great.

Today marks week two of my Turbo Fire experience.  I actually have to do my workout tonight, so we'll see how that pans out.

I am not doing so well with the eating part.  I ate well, until the weekend and then I went buck wild.  I overdosed on Chinese food, Mexican food and margaritas. Oh My! 

Normally a week of work with no results would discourage me, but I'm not so worried.  I actually like Turbo Fire.

Pro: Awesome, energetic music.  The instructor is motivating, without getting on my nerves.  (That could change as the program progresses.)

Con: She doesn't do the best job explaining the choreography.  I need her to break it down on the left and the right.  She only explains the moves for the right side.  I know that's all most people need, but I'm not most people.   When she switches to the left side, I'm lost. It's pretty hilarious.

The last exercise I did focused on the stomach and yoga.  All it did was reveal how much core strength I've lost.  It's embarrassing.

I go out of town soon and I plan to take the Turbo Fire DVDs with me.  The real test will be to see if I actually use them. LOL!

As for infertility, I have a sense of peace.  I still get a little sad, but it's not too bad.  The only big decision I made was to no longer be friends with the couple that I spoke about here.  It's not so much that they are know-it-alls, but that they just don't get it.  When I told them my IVF didn't work, they asked if I talked about it to a couple that they'd just introduced to us.  That couple had two successful IVFs and are at the end of a natural pregnancy now.  I wanted to smack my former friends.  That couple's diagnosis is not mine and I don't know them. I was there to have fun, not talk about my tragedy. 

Whatever! It was just awful.  This isn't the first time I've had a situation like this with that couple.  They think they know everything about all subjects and can pass judgement because they watch documentaries.  This is just the first time it affected me personally.  My mom always says when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Well, I didn't take that advice and I got burned so I'm moving on.