Happy New Year

I told my Mother that I planned to shave my head and move to Arizona in 2014.  I finished it off by telling her that I also hoped to find a cult to join and I'd send her an address when I found one.

Her reply?

"Can you take your Dad too?"

Bwahahahahahaha.

I love my parents.  I was feeling so sad this New Year's Eve, but their annual NYE texts kept me laughing.  I am so grateful for technology.  My parents and I haven't celebrated a New Year in the same place in nearly a decade, but they are always in my back pocket now.  Wait.  That's a gift and a curse sometimes:-)

Is It Over Yet?

Is 2013 over yet?  No?  Dang.

Anyway, I spent the weekend going from sad, to angry, to FURIOUS.  My poor husband was sick with a cold, and I took it all out on his ailing behind.  *sigh*  I am a sorry excuse for a wife, right?

I feel awful for the way I treated him.  I'll do better next time.  I promise.

My period still hasn't started yet.  It only took three days to start, after the last failure.  It looks like this time, it will take at least five days.  Witch Doctor told me to come back for another HCG to make sure the numbers are dropping, but I decided to be MATURE and IGNORE her (I hope you felt the sarcasm in that statement).  I'll go if my cycle doesn't start by day six.  If there's one thing my body is really good at, it's NOT being pregnant.  I don't want to start doubting its abilities now.

Some people may question that decision and my decision not to take drugs an extra day.  I feel like I should kind of explain why.  There's a story in the Bay Area.  A 13-year-old girl went in for tonsil surgery, and later died from complications.  She's brain dead.  Her parents won't accept it.  They have forced the hospital to keep her on a breathing tub.  My heart breaks for them.  I feel so passionately about them that when people say mean things about them, I defend them like they're my family.  I can't imagine their pain.  So when Witch Doctor told me my numbers weren't meeting standards, I knew that for my own mental health, I had to immediately let go.  I won't even write chemical pregnancy on my timeline.  It was never a pregnancy.  It's a failed attempt.

So back to me and the wait for my period: I figure since my butt is still lumpy from those progesterone shots, and (TMI WARNING) I still leak small globs of the progesterone gel, my body is still coming down off the hormones.  I took considerably more drugs for this FET than the last one.

I can honestly say the emotional pain is not nearly as bad this time, which scares me a little.  It hurt.  There's no denying that.  But the day isn't colored black like before.  The day sucks, but it's not black.  I will call that a small victory.  I'm still bitter, but I think that's normal (?).

That's all from me.  Happy New Year to all.

Oh Wait, don't pay for PGS.  It's not worth it.  I've flushed four chromosomally normal embryos down the toilet.  #awesome.

10

Today my Beta was a 10.  Hooray for failure...again.  Guys, this hurt so bad.  I balled my eyes out in a parking lot next to my job.  I really wish Witch Doctor would have just called it a failure on Monday.  At least I would have had two days off to recover.  Instead, I spent Christmas angry.  Now, I'm at work ashy-faced because I can't stop crying.

I told Witch Doctor that we didn't want to transfer the last embryo.  I told her we'd go straight for the next egg retrieval.   It's mainly because I hate those progesterone shots.  But I'm pretty sure it's not the right move.  I don't know.  I really need a new doctor or something.

Anyway she said my TSH levels were a 5.5.  I guess I should have stayed on those meds, huh?  I'm still not sure about that situation.

She tried to give me that false hope again saying I could stay on the meds another night and maybe something miraculous would happen.  While I still believe in God, I'm not in the business of believing in petty miracles.  A miracle to save my Mom?  Yes.  I'm all game.  A miracle to save a weak "pregnancy?" No thank you.

So I guess I get to add the ol' Chemical to my timeline.  Never had that before.  The funny part is that I've still never seen a real positive home test, except for the time after my IUI.  I thought maybe home tests just didn't work for me, so I peed on one when I knew I still had HCG from the trigger in my system.  It was amazing to see that positive.  But I digress....

My poor husband isn't taking this so well, and I'm of absolutely no help to him. I'm too angry to offer any comfort.

You chicks who keep doing this...I don't know if anyone has told you, but you're amazing. AMAZING.  People don't even know.

So...anyone want to take bets on when my period will start.  I'd appreciate anything past a week from now and preferably on a Saturday.

Thanks, Google

I spent a little time today googling what a Beta of 5 means.  Uhm...it's a negative.  I'm not pregnant.  It's not even a maybe.  I think it was a little unfair of Witch Doctor to leave me with that little string of hope.  Perhaps she didn't want to ruin Christmas for me.  But I was okay with a negative, until she carefully crafted that lie over the phone of a positive.

Something about the way she said it made me ask for the actual number.  I could tell she was hiding something.  I really think she is hoping a miracle will happen by Thursday, but it won't.  It's not right to do this to people, especially when I was open to acceptance.  I took that negative home test in stride.  I was going to be ok.  Now, I just want to cry, but I can't.  I have house guests.  I have to pretend I'm ok, which never works out well for me.  Anyways...

These progesterone shots hurt and I really don't want to take them, if there's no need. Plus, that's wasting precious, expensive medicine.  I'll need those meds for FET #3.

I really really hate 2013.

Beta 5

Yeah.  My beta results came back as a FIVE.  Low enough to be heartbreaking and high enough that I have to take more progesterone-butt-shots and refrain from holiday boozing.  Next test is Thursday.

How do I feel, you ask?

happy? confused? calm? confused?

Did I say confused?

I'm out of home tests.  I had to really search to find the one I used.  I guess I'll pick up some when I head to the store to buy a crock pot and the ingredients to make some dessert called Monkey bread. 

Because I am sure you are just as tired of me as I am of myself, I leave you with two pictures of my furry babies.  They are truly annoying little blessings:-)

 

Wally is very self-important, like all celebrities.  He is aware when he is photographed and is quite curious about it.  Hence, the cocked head in each pic:-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Negative

I went to the doctor and got my blood drawn, but I couldn't wait for the results.  I knew she'd call me with them at work, and I knew I couldn't handle that.  So, I did what any self-respecting person, suffering from a patience problem would do.  I took a home test.  Per usual, it was negative.  The one thing I love about the way I test is that there is never any question or doubt.  I don't have to wait five minutes.  The thing immediately shows a negative.  I'm ok...a little crestfallen, but ok.

This morning the doctor asked me if I was still on thyroid medication.  It's the first time this entire cycle that she's mentioned my thyroid.  How fitting:-)  I thought we were both half-assing it, and we were.

Now to figure out what's next.  Right?  I have one decent embryo left.  I think I'll just save up and pay for that transfer out of pocket so that I don't waste anymore of my precious IVF insurance coverage.  I won't be returning to this Witch Doctor.  This last visit to her office left me with a sour taste.  Her new assistant walked up to me with an attitude and said, "why are you here? a blood test?"  After the doctor drew my blood, my husband wanted to ask her a question.  So we waited for Witch Doctor to return.  That same assistant walked up to the receptionist and not-so-surreptitiously asked, "why is she still here?"  Obviously, I'm not a person to be treated with courtesy any longer, despite spending thousands at this place.  It's okay.  I often have problems making change and literally have to be kicked in the ass to make a switch.  I guess this is it.

Once FET #3 is done.  I'll be done for a while.  I'll be shopping around.  I will visit several doctors, thoroughly research their proposed protocols and make my decision from there.  I don't have anymore time for mistakes and insecurities.

Oh well.  I'm off to prepare for work.  The best part of all of this?  I'm done with those progesterone shots!  Yessssss!!!!

5 days post FET #2

Tonight I will take what could be my very last progesterone shot (pio) for this cycle.  I have decided to test tomorrow because patience is NOT my middle name.

In case you're wondering, tomorrow will be six days past a five day transfer.  WooHoo!  I have had cramping on and off.  One time they felt like the ones that come before Aunt Flo.  Ugh!  I haven't had any spotting, but (TMI Warning)  I have had panty liners filled with leaks from those fantastic progesterone inserts.  Yuck!

I didn't remember being this crampy during the last FET, but upon reading some old posts, I apparently was.  This time around, I'm on so much progesterone that I'm surprised my uterus hasn't just cramped up and fallen out.  Seriously.  I'm taking two crinone inserts a day and a shot.  I've been googling to find other women who are partaking in the same protocol and have not found one.

I did find people saying they planned to ask their doctors to allow them to take both.  In those cases, the women had low progesterone levels at the time of their failure.  Being that I save every email from the witch doctor, I quickly pulled up the email detailing my progesterone levels from my last failure.  Guess what?  My level was great.  It was a 17.  Witch Doctor used the adjective, super.

Seriously, she put the word super in an email detailing my FET failure.  I wish I could put into words why I continue to stick with her.  I'm not sure she really knows what's wrong with me, but when it's time for procedures, she doesn't make me feel like an alien.  I have a tipped uterus.  I've been to doctors who couldn't get catheters and such up my canal.  Instead of remaining calm, they would basically make me feel like I had the worst body on Earth.  She never does that.  In fact, she never has problems inserting anything during any procedure (Pap smear to Transfer).  If she's having them, she doesn't let me know.  I really appreciate that.  I already feel like my body hates me and all things reproductive.  Having doctors freak out only makes the feelings worse.

But I digress....

I think my cramps are definitely a symptom of my pumped up progesterone use:-)  But there are moments when I think maybe it's implantation and it's all working.  Then I run after my dogs, get a jolt of the soreness from my butt, and remember how much progesterone I'm on.  In case you're confused, my a$$ is sore from those shots.  Running, jogging and fast walking awaken the soreness.

The hubby and I talked and decided that waiting to take the test isn't going to change the outcome.  If I get the expected failure, how I respond is my choice.  Will it hurt?  Yes.  Will I cry? likely.  But I have to let myself be upset to a point, and move on.  I never want to feel the way I felt the last time.  A part of me certainly died during that experience, but in a way it matured me.  I no longer look at everything through rose colored glasses.  Okay, one of the lenses is still rose.  I refuse to lose it.  I can't imagine life without a little bit of sunshine (rose shine?).  Now saying and doing are two different things, but I'm focused on doing.  Hopefully, I nail it.

As much as I tried to denounce God, my upbringing won't let me.  When I find myself praying, it's not for a positive.  It's for peace.  I just want peace, regardless of the outcome.