Am I The Only One?

Am I the only person tired of the Royal baby watch?  I thought this was the United States.  Let the Queen and them have their moment.  I don't need it and I certainly don't want it. Ugh!  Just tell me when this lucky-ass child is born.  I don't need daily updates on absolutely nothing.

Vacation

The unthinkable happened on my vacation!  My Mother, Father and I learned to kayak.  Holy Crap!

I can't swim and neither can my Mother.  I should also add that she normally doesn't try new things, especially when water is involved.  Well, my Aunt-in-law put us in life jackets, tied a kayak to a ski rope and put us in the water.  It was like we were on leashes, but we did it!

Mom didn't go off on her own, but she couldn't stop smiling after the experience.  Dad and I hopped in separate kayak's and hit the high seas..Ok a lake in Northern Wisconsin.  I felt so free and happy---the beautiful water and the physical exertion---it was fantastic.  Of course the fact that I can't swim crept into my mind a couple of times, but I've tested a life jacket before, and I know it does work:-)

Maybe next year I'll learn to swim.  I've been saying that every year for the past decade. Ha!

I did more things on the water.  I went canoeing with the husband and we caught a meaty fish.  My father-in-law chopped it up, flipped it and rubbed it down...I'm joking.  He cleaned it and fried it up for us.  It was delicious.

We played a little whiffle  ball, during which my father-in-law proved that physically, he's superior to all of us.  I should add that he's the oldest.  WTF?!

Before the lake retreat, I hung out with my parents in the great state of Illinois. Thanks to my cousin's graduation party, I saw a lot of my family.  It was really great. No matter the trouble, when my family gets together, we chase the demons away, at least for that moment.  I don't know how my grandparents taught us to do it, but they did.

But I have to add, being in their presence hurt a little.  It really sucks that I won't have a junior to enjoy their camaraderie.  I grew up with some great characters and even if I magically have a child someday, they'll never see my relatives the way I did because we're all getting old now.  We're all getting old.

My dog had a vacation of her own.  The Dog-Walker sent us pictures daily of Roxie and her fun shenanigans.  I feared she wouldn't like us when we returned, but she showered us with tons of kisses.   Now she's sleep next to me on the couch.  She's not supposed to be up here, but I couldn't deny her:-) 

Still Crying?

Just when I thought I was finished crying over this sh*t, I cried some more.  What the f*ck?

Period:

The B*tch made me cry.  She made me cry.  She reminded me of my defect. I'm infertile.  I get a period every month, but I can't make babies.  Thanks for that awesome reminder, Period.  I wonder how you'll feel when I schedule that hysterectomy on your ass.

Adoption:

I thought I'd get to a point where I'd be ready to think about it.  I don't want to adopt.  It's too much drama. I want my kids, not someone else's.  It's funny because my Mother and I had the worst fight of our lives over the issue of adoption.  She said some pretty mean things about it, at a time when I thought there was a chance I might attempt it.  Her thoughts on it didn't influence me at all.  I'll tell you what did.

1. I saw some old friends who adopted a child from out of the country.  They were happy and beautiful, but their stories of getting to that point scared me.  I don't have the mother's patience or compassion.  I just don't.

2. A co-worker's daughter just met her birth-mother for the first time.  I think she's like nine.  She came to tell me that the name given to her by her birth-mother is the same as mine.  Her father didn't seem bothered by it.  I did.  I couldn't imagine parenting and loving a child, only to ultimately compete with the birth-mother's love.  Not my cup of tea.

Another FET:

Not happening. Nope not ever.  I'm over the kid thing.  I'm not strong enough to keep fighting.  So I'm not fighting.  The only reason I won't have the remaining embryos destroyed is because my conscious can't handle it. 

I don't believe in miracles anymore, but I'll get into that later.  I don't want to hear stories about women who tried for decades, and one day popped up pregnant.  That's not my story.  As I close in on 33, I know that will never be my story.  Every month I still hope for a shocking pregnancy, but that's just because I'm dumb. *shoulder shrug*

Exercise:

I'm still fat.  I had to take off a week.  I tweaked my knee badly.   I even had a limp.  I plan to get some new shoes and start the Turbo Fire  program from the beginning when I return home.

God:

This is going to turn off a lot of  people, but I no longer believe in God.  It's odd because by default, I talk to this supposed deity daily and say grace before I eat.  They are habits I am working to break.  Infertility knocked the faith right out of me.  Praying won't get you anything.  Hard work gets you things, but sometimes that's not even enough.  Something is either meant for you or it's not.  

Religion is a con served up to keep those struggling from giving up and committing suicide.  I mean poor people pray their entire lives for comfort, but guess what?  Things don't get easier, their children starve, they suffer from illnesses because they can't afford medical care, and when they die, there's no money for a proper funeral.  Yet! they are some of the most devoted.

I was devastated after my FET failed, but once I stopped questioning why God did this and that, it got easier.  Once I realized there was no God and there were no spirits waiting to become my children, it got easier.  I didn't say I don't cry, but it's easier.  Now, I don't feel I owe a God anything, nor does it owe me anything.  The only being or entity I'm indebted to, is my MOM and boy is the world lucky for that.

I'm not here to preach against God.  If you believe, good for you.  Glad it works.

I was able to type out that entire thing, but just last week when I was asked if I believe in God, I couldn't denounce him out loud.  I simply said I was raised to believe in God.  So there... I'm a sucka!

Trucking Along

Despite my exercising for a full week, I am still fat:-)

Ha!

No but really, I haven't lost a pound.  However, it appears that I have stabilized, which is great.

Today marks week two of my Turbo Fire experience.  I actually have to do my workout tonight, so we'll see how that pans out.

I am not doing so well with the eating part.  I ate well, until the weekend and then I went buck wild.  I overdosed on Chinese food, Mexican food and margaritas. Oh My! 

Normally a week of work with no results would discourage me, but I'm not so worried.  I actually like Turbo Fire.

Pro: Awesome, energetic music.  The instructor is motivating, without getting on my nerves.  (That could change as the program progresses.)

Con: She doesn't do the best job explaining the choreography.  I need her to break it down on the left and the right.  She only explains the moves for the right side.  I know that's all most people need, but I'm not most people.   When she switches to the left side, I'm lost. It's pretty hilarious.

The last exercise I did focused on the stomach and yoga.  All it did was reveal how much core strength I've lost.  It's embarrassing.

I go out of town soon and I plan to take the Turbo Fire DVDs with me.  The real test will be to see if I actually use them. LOL!

As for infertility, I have a sense of peace.  I still get a little sad, but it's not too bad.  The only big decision I made was to no longer be friends with the couple that I spoke about here.  It's not so much that they are know-it-alls, but that they just don't get it.  When I told them my IVF didn't work, they asked if I talked about it to a couple that they'd just introduced to us.  That couple had two successful IVFs and are at the end of a natural pregnancy now.  I wanted to smack my former friends.  That couple's diagnosis is not mine and I don't know them. I was there to have fun, not talk about my tragedy. 

Whatever! It was just awful.  This isn't the first time I've had a situation like this with that couple.  They think they know everything about all subjects and can pass judgement because they watch documentaries.  This is just the first time it affected me personally.  My mom always says when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Well, I didn't take that advice and I got burned so I'm moving on.

Uhm....

I don't know the fancy, private way to contact one of my favorite bloggers personally, so I'll use this platform.


 Aramis, WTF with HIIT 15?  I almost died without moving!!!  All I could do was stare at energetic exercise lady in amazement.


This Turbo Fire is crazy.  When I was younger, people always thought I was a cheerleader because I seemed quite happy with life.  I was never a cheerleader and could never be one.  I can't even touch my toes. So forget about splits and backflips.  I'm not a person who thinks cheer leading is not a sport, but this Turbo Fire!!!  This exercise plan gave me a whole new respect for competitive cheerleaders.  The routines are like being in the middle of Bring It On.  Let me tell you, I can't bring it. LOL!

At this point, I don't expect to lose any weight during the first month and I don't care.  I just want to get the routines down by then.  OMG!  I'll finally be a cheerleader:-)

I think tomorrow is the 55 minute session. I'm already breathing hard thinking about it.

Here's what I ate yesterday ( This is more to force me to eat the groceries I bought)

Raspberry and chocolate chobani yogurt
apple
banana
Choc covered chewy granola bar (this ain't low fat, but it's devine)
Koshi granola bar (I had to buy this out of the vending machine. I was starving and had eaten all of my stuff from home)
Veggie sandwich complete with humus, avacado, cucumber, pepper jack cheese and sprouts

I hope I find my way to some chicken today.

Sidenote: I totally stopped everything my RE prescribed and/or suggested.  I'm wondering if I may need that thyroid medicine though.  I'm a bit down, for lack of a better description.  I don't know if it's the mild hypothyroidism, the failed FET or my general laziness.

I Pressed Play

I got up this morning and decided I did not want to exercise.  The husband started playing the role of drill sergeant and I just about killed him.  We walked the dog, I basically yelled at Hubby to get off my back and an hour later, I walked down the stairs and pressed play.

The Hubs joined me. It's Day 1. We only had a 30 minute video, followed by ten minutes of stretching.  I did sweat and so did Hubs.  This is pretty fast paced and some of the moves left us behind, but you know what? It was fun.  I hope the rest of the program feels this way.

I was disappointed that I wasn't any skinnier when I looked in the mirror.  Just kidding, but not really:-)

I'm Bringing Sexy Back...

I hope Justin Timberlake is playing in your mind, because he is certainly singing in mine.
I plan to bring sexy back and I hope it comes back fast.  I am getting myself all pumped up for my life as a workout Queen.

In November, I met my new RE and since that time the only thing she's helped me do is gain ten pounds of fat and misery.  The day I walked in her office, I'd been off a workout plan about four months, but I was maintaining.  Clothes were fitting great.  By my IUI, I noticed the clothes were getting tight.  By the time I was stemming for IVF, the clothes weren't fitting.  I was pretending that wasn't a problem as I ordered a new wardrobe online.  Well, now that wardrobe is squeezing more than it should.  It's time to end the madness.  I'm taking it off, people.  I'm about to get fit...at least I hope.

I'm trying pushing all of the negative aside.  I'm not using anymore excuses for skipping out on cardio.  I am 32 years old. I can't let myself go just because my body refuses to reproduce.  I always said if I can't be a mommy, I want to be damn sure that I look better than one.  I know that's mean, but at least mommies can say they carried another human for nine months (anyway most mommies are hot).  I can't say that.  All I can say is I tried to have a baby for seven years and got fat in the process.  That sucks, right?

With all of that said, I just watched the first video from Turbo Fire and I'm in trouble.  The exercise lady did some jump move that nearly made me faint from watching on the couch.  Keep in mind, I was watching the "New to Class" version, which is code for easier. (Dare I say I lost a pound while watching from the couch?)   I may not do what the exercise lady is doing, but I'm sure jumping around will do something for me (eek!).

Must.Keep.My.Eye.On.The.Prize.

I'm making a plan and I hope it works.  The best part is that my Hubby declared that he will join me in this "exercise class."  He hasn't seen an entire video and I can't wait to see his face when he sees the routine.  Hell, I can't wait to seem him bust a move. LOL!  I should add that he's been a workout beast for the past two years.  He does P90x and Insanity.  He lost about 30 pounds with P90x and added Insanity to spice things up.  He's my exercise Hero, but I still wish I could be skinny without effort, like when I was young.

So here's to getting skinny and taking a mental break from infertility failure.