It's Normal!

My HSG results are back and they are normal. My tubes are clear and my uterus appears healthy. I should be doing back flips, but I can't. I've never been flexible. So now the question is what's next? I'll tell you what! I need to change my insurance & head to the fertility specialist. I will become a mother in 2013. If I don't, at the end of 2013, I want to be sure that I gave it my all. No more self pity without taking action.

So! I have already made an appointment with a fertility specialist. I even found out the price if my insurance won't cover the visit. Baby, I am ready...at least for this particular visit. I know once treatments actually begin, I will be back on this blog whining, crying and asking the good lord for a donation.

I'm okay because I know what has to be done. I spent the first seven months of 2012 cutting back. I did my own hair, stayed in the house and exercised (ugh!). Guess what? I saved more than I've ever saved in my life.  Once I stopped, my savings account became a bit bulimic. Oops!

I'm ready to do it again, but I'm not sold on the exercise. The husband is currently doing Insanity, which is great for him. He is insane. I am not:-)

The first visit to the specialist will entail a review of my history, which is documented in this blog. Thank goodness! I didn't realize how much I'd forgotten. Also I'll have that horrible vaginal ultrasound and go from there.

I'm hoping we won't need more than an intrauterine insemination (IUI). I feel like I need to focus on what I think will work, instead of what won't. It's obvious my cervix does not play nice with others. I'm hoping that is my only remaining obstacle to having a healthy baby.

Pregnant Man Rant

I can't deal with the "pregnant man." I am all for finding who you really are and doing what you can to be true to who that is, but there are some certainties in life.  One is that women...only women can give birth.  That means this person should not be advertised as a pregnant man. A man can't give birth. Men don't have a uterus, fallopian tubes and an opening willing to allow a big ass head to pass through it.

Every time this woman, dressed as a man, appears on TV to talk about changing the way society thinks, I want to slap her.  If you want to change yourself into a man, do it.  Don't try to have the best of both worlds.  As an infertile woman who is grateful for every feminine attribute and body part that I have, this woman disgusts me.  It's unfair that someone who doesn't like being a woman gets to easily have children, while I sit here and struggle.  If I see her in a magazine, I turn the page.  If she pops up on a TV show, I change the channel.  That doesn't mean that I don't mentally throw darts at a picture of her face in my mind.

I won't even post a picture of this person. I don't want to perpetuate that idea that she is to be commended for her gender bending ways.  I will say it again. IF YOU WANT TO BE A MAN, MAKE THAT CHANGE! BUT  DON'T TELL ME SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE I KNOW A MAN CAN'T GET PREGNANT AND GIVE BIRTH.

If you're wondering what prompted this rant, she was a guest on Anderson Cooper and I couldn't change the channel fast enough.  For those who say what she does is not my business...Yes it is because she is milking this idea of a "pregnant man"to make money and infiltrate my life.

rant complete.

The Dye Test: Part 2

What a day!  I'm still shaking off the effects of my HSG.  HSG is short for hysterosalpingogram.  It's basically an x-ray of your uterus and fallopian tubes. The goal is to ensure they're not blocked or disfigured. The doctor inserts dye through your vagina so that those special parts will show up on x-ray.  You can read about my first HSG here. It was a totally different experience from this one.

This HSG ended with toe-curling pain and an outline of my uterus and fallopian tubes forming on a small screen right before my eyes.  The early thought is that my tubes are free of blockage that could prevent pregnancy.  However, I am not free of drama.

I can not tell you how long I was on that table waiting for the doctor to find a way to shoot dye up my cervix. I didn't try to count the minutes and I didn't have a stop watch. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and constantly remind myself to relax through big intakes of breath.

Let me explain why. My cervix is a trip. That's the best way I can describe it. The doctor had a tough time working with it.  I felt like she was twisting, bending and stretching my nether regions in ways no one should imagine.  Despite some intermittent, involuntary shaking, I stayed patient and kept trying to relax. I figured if she wouldn't give up, neither would I.

As I laid there mentally grasping for something positive, it hit me.  God's got this.  I kid you not, a moment later I felt a growing sting.  As it grew, I could see the dye on the x-ray machine spreading and forming the shape of my uterus. There was some discomfort and pain, but nothing to write home about. The real pain kicked in when she told me to turn to the side to see if the dye would fall toward my fallopian tubes. OMG!  The feeling was right up there with some of my toughest cramps. My body instinctively wanted to ball up, which is what I do every month when cramps kick my butt, but I had to work through this. I wasn't sure I would make it, when Dr. P. finally told me I was done (thank goodness!).

Unlike my last HSG, the dye did not fall out before making it to my uterus. However, my cervix is still an issue. I can't really describe this very well, but essentially, the doctor had to stuff the catheter as far up and to the right as she could to get the dye to the right area.

Again, she did not give me a detailed report. She will write that up and have my GYN explain it to me. I'm encouraged that my tubes are not blocked. I'm discouraged that my cervix is all jacked up.  So... my fingers are crossed that this little HSG doesn't cost me an arm and a leg. My toes are crossed in hopes that I'll be pregnant with a healthy baby within the next year.

On a totally different note: I made sure I voted before I went to this appointment. It felt great to walk around with my little sticker.

Making A List

I guess I need to write things down to hold myself accountable. So here it goes.

1. Get records from Florida

2. Dig up details about my surgery. (The surgeon gave it to me.  I just don't know where I packed it.)

3. Call insurance : I can't believe I actually followed through and called.  Thank the Lord for little miracles.  My insurance covers tests and such to diagnose why I'm infertile, but it won't help me get pregnant. That means this chick needs to start saving more aggressively because my insurance is not going to cover IVF etc.  I am still scared to see the ultimate out-of-pocket costs for my HSG. I know my insurance is whack.

The insurance plan I had in Florida was awesome. I made a bit of a mistake when I chose this one. I'll be making a change as soon as open enrollment begins again.

4. Set up HSG   BAM! I set that sucker up, but I am having second thoughts. I'm really afraid that my insurance won't cover an adequate amount. I've been trying to get a competent person on the phone to give me CORRECT information about my coverage, but that is quite difficult because of the time difference and the fact that the reps will straight out lie just to get you off the phone. They don't care that the lie could set you back a grand or more. If I should reach my goal of getting pregnant and having a healthy child, I'd like to have some money left over to raise the little person.

5. Cut back on coffee. ( I got a generous gift card and it has caused my Starbucks habit to explode.)

6. Eh...I'll think of something.

***One week after seeing the doctor and I'm already jumping in with both feet. I'm off to take my pre-natal pill. I'm really hoping it helps my hair and nails grow, even though my research says it won't:-(

Let the medical poking, prodding, testing and guessing begin:-)

Step One: Expensive Vitamins

You see that picture?

In the words of CurlyNikki, one of my favorite bloggers, "what in the entire hell?"

THAT is my $95 bottle of pre-natal pills. No, I am not pregnant and yes, I am still infertile.  However, my recent trip to the girlie doctor and a conversation with my husband, made me realize I have to give this baby making thing another try, before I am physically unable. 

So off I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. When the lady told me the price, I almost lost my bladder. I mean, dang! I'd just dropped $47 to gas up my corolla.  Between fuel and vitamins, I spent all my "allowance" for the week. I guess I better eat those groceries in the house. 

I'm afraid to take one of the pills at this point.  I'd essentially be swallowing $3.17 per pill. LOL!  The funny thing is I checked to see if my insurance saved me anything. The receipt had the nerve to say, "your insurance saved you $18." Are you kidding me?

Anyway, I hope this post does not leave you annoyed, as laughing  is the way that I entertain myself when the going gets tough. These pills made me realize I need to do some research ASAP.  I'll be calling my insurance to determine the coverage for my HSG, blood tests etc. I'll adjust my spending and savings accordingly.  Plus, it's almost that time of year when I can change my coverage and I'll do that as well, if it's needed.

Update:  While these $95 vitamins have a wonderful chocolate flavor, I will NOT be repurchasing them.  This homegirl is going to find a cheaper, over-the-counter version, unless my doctor tells me there is a specific reason I need this brand.

Decisions Decisions

I took a step back and stopped blogging and thinking about infertility.  I was wearing myself out! But unfortunately on top of being infertile, I am a hypochondriac. I hadn't been to the doctor for my yearly visit in more than a year. I started to fear that I'd developed more fibroids or some other terrible condition (yes..I'm a drama queen).  I bit the bullet, opened up google and searched for a gynecologist in my area.

I decided that for this visit, I would not talk about babies. I just wanted to get checked and go.  But this Doctor looked at my history and hit me with the hard questions. "What's next for you?" "Do you have siblings (when you're an only child, infertility hurts just a little bit more--I think)?" "Does your husband want children?" "Does your mama want grandchildren?" "Do you get sad?"

What the hell?!!  She was so smooth and fast about it that I was choking back tears before I knew it. I'm so used to the doctors kind of glossing over things, that I hadn't properly prepared myself for this.

She really didn't give me a chance to do my normal..."it's no big deal"speech.  Without ever getting an absolute YES from me, she hit me with pre-natal pills, an order for an HSG (the dye test to check my tubes) and two cards for local infertility specialists in the area.

Before she left, she told me that I needed to hold a baby...MY BABY...and it could happen.  So...just like that, I'm back in this. I was so verklempt that I couldn't tell her that I don't have the emotional strength to deal with this.  I can't spend the next eight years getting probed, prodded, injected and drugged up.

When it comes to my infertility there are two theories warring in the my mind:

1. A baby just isn't in God's plan for you.

2. To believe #1 is using God as a way to accept failure and give up.


With all of that said, the stuff she gave me is sitting on my dresser taunting me waiting for me.  I haven't made a decision. If I go forward, it will mean that I have accepted hope.  There is a funny thing about hope that no one ever wants to talk about. It's a gift and a curse.  If you hold on to it too long you're just plain delusional, but if you realize your hope won't lead to what you want, it could destroy you.  Hope has killed many a people, but like I said, no one wants to talk about it.


Soooo...I guess it's babies or bust?  I'll let you know if I'm brave enough to jump back in.

What To Expect When You're Infertile

Ohhhh! It's so hard being infertile.  The only thing you can really expect is lots of tears. I'm approaching my sixth year of marriage to an awesome man, but I'm having a hard time looking forward to our celebration.  All I can think about is that this marriage has produced no children.  He wants children and I want children, but I can't have them.

Sometimes we have the most wonderful days together and at the end I always end up thinking, "wouldn't this day have been EVEN better if we had a little one with us?"

I haven't seen a "girly" doctor of any kind since my surgery. I know it's dumb, but it is what it is.  Earlier this year, I made an appointment to see a fertility specialist in our new city, but rescheduled and rescheduled until I finally cancelled it.

I've been working really hard to accept that I probably won't have children of my own and likely won't have the money to buy\adopt one for at least another ten years.  There are stretches of time when I think I've got this thing beat. My heart doesn't hurt and the tears don't come.  Then I have days like today where I can't stop the tears, despite my best efforts.

Distractions only work for so long.  My obsession with my hair and dragging myself to the basement to exercise just aren't enough to keep my mind busy right now. I guess I'll grab that book, "50 Shades of Grey." Some folks call it "mommy porn (lol. that cracks me up)," but a good friend of mine told me it's a mindless read that will at least give me something to love or hate... you know.. another distraction.

I know this post won't help anyone. In fact, it is quite depressing. I've stopped updating this blog for that reason alone. I hate sharing sadness without a hint of optimism, but I had to get this off my chest. I had to just get it out somehow. I needed to do it without seeing the sadness in someone's face or hearing the same things, "be positive, pray, it's okay."

I do pray. Being positive is a lie and things aren't okay. If they were okay, I'd have five kids by now. It's that simple. The only thing that's not simple is why. No one can tell me why and that sucks. I don't know if a "why" would give me peace. I like to think that it would.