Passing the Time...(also known as the two week wait!)

Oh man!  I promised I wouldn't go through another two week wait (tww) thinking about THE TWO WEEK WAIT.  But I can't help it.  The thrill of thinking I could be pregnant totally outweighs what I know will be the outcome--depression.

I've done everything to try to keep my mind off of it. Keep in mind, I'm only two days into it.  I've tried to drown my mind in researching new, organic products for my hair. I have taken dozens of pictures of my cute doggie, Roxie.

But nothing is working.  That crazy fertiity monitor makes me think there's a real chance this time around, even though every month I think there's a real chance.  Oh well.  I'm going to keep hoping and praying.  BUT...I am going to make a real effort this time around not to become so bumbed IF my baby doesn't pick this month to begin his/her journey to life.

I just want to be happy... and cute....

like Roxie! 

A Flare For The Dramatics

Yes! Yes, I have a flare for the dramatics.  I like things to go my way and as you can see, my attempts to get pregnant haven't gone my way.  Hence, my previous post of degradation and despair.  BUT.. the best part of about being me, is that I bounce back.  Sometimes it's not a full bounce, but a bounce nontheless.

Anyways, I have decided to bond with my nearly $200 fertility montior.

 I figured we better do something because that's a lot of money to waste for a girl who has a temporary part-time job at the moment.  So, if you don't know what a fertility monitor is, I'm sorry because I don't either.

Just kidding.

It's a white plastic looking thing that could be mistaken for a knock-off Nintendo game boy (do they still make those?)  I'm pretty sure it's a waste of money that plays on the emotions of the infertile, but that's not what it claims.  It claims to be a step above ovulation prediction sticks.  It tracks your estrogen and luneinizing hormones to predict five fertile days.  The ovulation sticks only track the luteininzing hormone and predict two highly fertile days at best.

The first month with the fertility monitor is what I like to call an investment month.   You're getting to know the machine and it's getting to know you.  You set it on the first day of your period.  It's all pretty complicated, but simple because you have to set it for the time you would wake up and take your first pee each morning.

On the sixth day of my cycle, it instructed me to start peeing on these expensive and specialized sticks that clear blue easy sells. 

So, I'll pee on those sticks and stick them in the machine for the next ten days.  The machine is tracking my hormone levels and I'm hoping it will eventually predict the prime time for baby making. Lord knows, I haven't found it in the past five years.

So here's to hoping the fertility monitor isn't just $200 worth of electronic snake oil.

I plan to use this thing for the next six months.  If my baby doesn't drop in by then, I'll be going back to a fertility doctor.  I can't go to my old one because I live clear across the country from her now.  I'm just really hoping my robotic myomectomy will give me a real chance at conceiving.  Sadly, I don't think it is at the moment.  It's been five months since my surgery and two months since we could officially begin trying.  I'm still not pregnant, but now that I crunch the numbers, it really doesn't seem that bad.

I'm Done

I've decided that I'm done for a while.  I'm done trying, thinking and obsessing.  I have had a series of ugly setbacks and while I've had setbacks before, I've never dealt with so many at once.  I'm in a new place, I miss my family, I miss my old job and I miss my friends.

I think my hair is falling out around the edges and at any given moment, I'm on the verge of tears.  Even though I just spent $170 on a new fertility monitor and the sticks that go along with it, I've decided that accepting defeat is a lot easier than trying hard at everything and coming up empty.

Patience has never been my strong suit.  I pray for it every day and every night, I pray for the things I want most in life.  I could take the easy way out and say that God just isn't answering my prayers right now, but I know that's not it.  I know in some strange way this is just another lesson about patience.  I figure the best way to have it, is to simply give up on all that I want.  It doesn't mean I won't always give 110% on my day-to-day activities.  I don't know how to do anything else (I blame my upbringing for that). BUT maybe if I find a way to just totally quit and let go, I will begin to find true happiness regardless of if I get the things that I want.

I have to learn to make do with what I have and the blessings I've already received.  It just seems that it's a bit harder for me to really do that.  Repeated failure is truly my lifes biggest heartbreak.

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Still Living & Learning

I waited all of this time to get my chance to ttc (trying to conceive) again.  I've tossed and turned and even panicked over it. Well...it looks like ttcing will be delayed!  The hubby is sick just in time for my fertile period:-(

The poor thing has a cough, a fever and generally feels like crap. Instead of me saying get better, I said, "oh no! No baby making for me." Being the sweetheart that he is, he tried to assure me that he would heal himself enough to give it a shot. 

It's so funny how the Lord works. After a feeling of confusion and desperation, I decided to find the lesson in this. I truly believe it is God's way of telling me to calm down and take it easy, which is funny because that's what my mom has been telling me to do. 

Sometimes it feels like I don't have time for patience. I want to get pregnant so badly. I want a baby so badly and I don't want to give my fibroids a chance to grow back. I mean...I pray every night for a healthy, fibroid-free uterus with unclogged Fallopian tubes and egg-gushing ovaries.  

BUT I need to focus on who I do have and He is my fantastic husband. Unfortunately, a couple of days ago, I only viewed him as sperm. Lol! Before my revelation, I was ready to write a blog bashing my mom and babycenter.com. Both told me in some way to stop obsessing over getting pregnant.  I was furious and tired of people and websites making it seem like relaxation was my problem.  Now I see I was on the brink of driving myself nuts. 

I'm back, I'm fine. I'm going to buy a fertility monitor and move on.  My baby (or the cosmos) obviously doesn't want to be born in March so he/she is waiting for a later conception date. 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it:-)

Give Me Five!

My husband and I will celebrate our five year anniversary in just days. Can you believe it? I can't believe the man is still here. On top of being difficult, insecure, spoiled and inconsiderate, I've been unsuccessful in my attempts to give him a child.  BUT despite all my flaws, which outnumber the above list, he loves me and he is my sunshine when I'm in a dark place. 

This blog is dedicated to my quest to become a mother and my failure thus far, but my journey would be far worse without him. He always finds a way to smile...genuinely. Sometimes I think he is optimistic to a fault, but I'm definitely pessimistic to a fault. So, at the risk of sounding corny, I'll just say it-- he lifts me up. 

My only hope is regardless of what the next five years bring--children or more dogs---that I can be a better wife to him. It can be difficult for me to overcome myself.  Slowly (and I mean very slowly) but surely, I think I'm getting there. 

As we continue on our journey, I know one thing for sure. No matter what happens tomorrow, I will always be thankful for every way he has helped me to spread my wings. From exploring the world (ok..a few states), making new friends and achieving my goals, he really has made me a better person.

I love him so much:-)

Happy Anniversary, DjRass!

Coffee Crisis

It's one day before my period is due and I am hoping for a miracle.  I want it to be late--like nine months late, but I know that won't happen.  We were careful not to be "irresponsible" before my three month recovery period.  That means that even though my fertile period was sometime around May 17th and the three month mark was just 8 days later, we did not take any chances.

Anyway...as I sit hear daydreaming about a baby bump and thanking God for my coffee, guess what passes across my twitter timeline? An article from Time magazine warning that too much coffee could delay/prevent pregnancy.

Yes, I knew this already, but dang!  This article says caffeine can keep your fallopian tubes from properly contracting and helping that egg drop into the baby cooker. Ugh!

Coffee is my biggest vice.  I've pretty much cut soda out of my life.  Now that I think about it, I only drink coffee and water.  Most of the time, it's one cup of coffee a day (a grande starbucks).  But it looks like I may have to cut it out completely.  Man!  I'll work on it.  I'll work on it.

It just seems like when you're struggling to have a baby, everything you do IS WRONG.  Worrying is wrong, what you eat is wrong...heck YOUR LIFE IS WRONG.  Sometimes it's just a bit a more than I can handle. 

Oh well.  The good news is that once this new cycle begins, I get to try again.  While that will bring it's own ups and downs, at least I get to make an attempt.  My Momma always says, "nothing beats a try, but a fail." 

I'll keep fighting.  It would hurt more to die childless knowing I didn't give it a good try...I guess.