IUI #2 -- DONE!

Do I get a badge?  I should get a badge because I just finished IUI #2 like a champ.  That torture device they put in my nether region tried to break me down, but I was strong and endured.  Of course I cried in the 15 minutes Witch Doctor makes you wait after the procedure.  It was a short burst of sadness for the state of my reproductive life.  Hubby sang to me and well, I couldn't be sad after that. There's something about a man whispering, yet singing an r-n-b song as hard as he can, that just melts all the troubles away-- temporarily.

When it was all over, I came home to my sweet pups and resumed my role as Dog Park Mom.  So life goes on....

IVF Prediction Test

Guys,

I am writing this post with a heavy heart.  There is an online test that boasts predicting our chances of IVF success.  The test was created by a Bay Area company called Univfy.  I first heard of it while stalking (yes, stalking) my RE's FaceBook page.  When I saw the ad, I quickly messaged her and asked if she really believed in this test.  Her answer:

"yes buuut if you're doing genetic testing they mean nothing. because we know for sure that if you have a normal embryo = 90% of success. easy. I just gave you the most accurate prediction."

Ya'll know I have a love/hate relationship with my RE.  She doesn't know about the hate part (hehe!).  Anyway, I consider her to be pretty smart and I questioned why she would support this test in any way.  I feel like it's just another tool to prey upon women who are desperate for SOMETHING to tell them this very expensive process will work.

I mean...even PGS/genetic testing doesn't guarantee success.  (I was even angry by her overly optimistic answer to my question.) How can I count on this online test? Below, you will find a link to a story that a local news station did on the test.  It was more like a commercial than an investigative piece, but watch it if you like.

Online test predicts chances of success with IVF | Video | abc7news.com

The test is $100 or something, which is cheap in the grand scheme of things.  In fact, this was my response to my RE:

"Well that prediction test may be cheaper...hmmm.. Just kidding. Genetic testing it is. Thanks!"

Ultimately, I feel like infertility takes me to some of the lowest emotional places I've ever felt in life.  I mean I was REALLY trying to figure out how I was going to jump off a bridge when my IUI failed.  Honestly, knowing the devastation my mother would feel, saved me from a very irrational act.  If a woman takes this test, gets results saying she has 80% chance of success and then IVF fails, this "helpful" tool could do more harm than good.  I just don't know.  I wonder what others think about it.

Why I Dislike Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian!  She's a controversial, money-making figure that we can't escape.  Most people dislike her because of a number of things: sex tape, reality show, dating a rapper, possible fake butt... I don't care about any of those things.  In fact, I used to defend her.  She has to be good at something because she is making more cash than me.

But here's why I hate dislike her now.  She managed to trivialize the heart-breaking disease that is infertility.  When she began discussing her pregnancy she said something like..."Khloe talks about her problems, but I (Kim) haven't."  Kim went on to talk about a trip to a doctor, in which the doctor told her she had low levels.  Kim tried to make it seem as if she could be infertile because she was on birth control pills.

NEWS FLASH, KIM: BIRTH CONTROL PILLS SUPPRESS YOUR HORMONES TO PREVENT OVULATION. THAT'S WHY YOUR LEVELS WERE LOW.

Kim got pregnant within a year of TRYING. Yes, I say trying. It's obvious she wanted that baby.  However, she saw the backlash coming because uhm...she's still technically married.  She's technically married and CHOSE to have a child with someone else.  To quiet that brewing shit storm, she dropped the big "I" word...INFERTILITY.

Kim, let me tell you what infertility is:

+Trying for nearly seven years to get pregnant (keep in mind, I never took a birth control pill, until I started the IVF process. The doctor used them to suppress my hormones so she could control them.)

+Failing an IUI, even though you produced three follicles

+Taking painful shots to get your ovaries to produce an unnatural amount of eggs for IVF

+Having a surgery to remove your fibroids and then finding out you still have a shit load of fibroids

+Waiting to find out if your embryos make it to day five

+Waiting to find out if they passed their Pre-implantation screening

+Fearing transferring the embryos back to your uterus because you're not sure your body can care for them

+Crying every night under the pressure of knowing a crackhead can get pregnant, but you can't.  Plus, watching the bills mount that you can't pay because you're not a reality star

I'm Not Nuts

I'm sure by now you are tired of my highly depressing posts.  I know I am, but my life is what it is.  

So I talked to my RE on the phone yesterday.  I didn't have the guts to scream all of my anger at her because I'm pretty sure that when I am comfortable enough to get a transfer, I will need her help.  However, we did discuss my concerns.

She and my husband thought I planned to quit altogether.  I would never give up on my five em-babies, even though they are only essentially clumps of cells.  I am not quitting.  I just can't pretend that my uterus is rolling out the welcome mat for them, when it really isn't.

The doctor said she discussed my case with a doctor friend of hers.  They both agreed that I don't have fibroids in the "baby cavity," but the doctor friend was concerned that the bevy of fibroids in the other parts of my uterus could cause a baby-threatening early birth.

I am the product of pre-term labor, as is my beloved cousin.  I was born four pounds and spent about a month in the NICU.  In fact, they accidentally let me out early.  To make up for it, they sent a nurse to my house to check on me everyday.  They are certainly lucky that my mother wasn't litigious and only cared about having her baby home and healthy.

My cousin on the other hand, was barely two pounds.  There was no way he could be mistakenly released.  They told my Auntie to prepare for his death.  But he is a fighter and survived.  He spent most of my childhood getting on my last damn nerve:-)  To this day, he goes out of his way to make sure I am ok.  You would think he was the big cousin:-)

Our births are the reason I have to get more questions answered.  I have to know what to expect.  I know no one can predict the outcome, but I have to properly prepare.  Guys, I wasn't prepared for that IUI.  She didn't tell me about my poor egg quality until after it failed.  My hopes were so high that when I got an official negative result, I didn't know...it felt like something died. It was a devastation I wasn't prepared for.  I can't let that happen to me again.  More importantly, I'm not going to put an embryo in my uterus as a little test.  I am not a science experiment, nor are my embryos (ok, maybe we are.)

With all of that said, I plan to go see a doctor who specializes in ovarian cancer.  I do not have cancer and I hope I never have it.  However, his expertise in fighting ovarian cancer makes him a bit of an expert when it comes to fibroids and their possible impact on pregnancy.  We are hoping that he will be able to give an unbiased opinion of what my uterus is capable of doing.

While I am pretty mad at God, I'm still praying every night and hoping for the best.  I'll keep taking my supplements and going to acupuncture.  This will give me a break from those strong hormones and hopefully give my body a chance to return to itself for a moment.  I want to start Insanity cuz I am a bit fat at the moment, but I don't know if I have the balls for that right now.

The Cost

So for the first six years of my marriage I knew I couldn't have babies, but I didn't know why.  Now, I may know why.  As I've mentioned before, I have poor ovarian reserve. My FSH levels are high. I can't remember the exact number right now.  It may be something like 11.

Initially I thought that if I knew why I couldn't have children, it would give me peace.  Turns out I was wrong. I have been an emotional basket case.  Listen to me carefully: ignorance is bliss and don't let anyone tell you differently!  

The most aggressive treatment I can get is IVF.  I am really hoping I won't have to turn to it. Ugh!  I am hoping that I can produce one good egg that will find one good sperm in my next round of IUI.  

I just can't believe I'm supposed to deal with this much.  I've never been an extremely strong person.  I do what I was taught to do.  I get up in the morning, go to work, repress all urges to commit a violent crime, return home and sleep. I don't bother anyone, I don't try to change them.  I just try to make my way through life unnoticed.  So I don't know why I have been presented with such a challenge.

With all of that said, I've been trying to prepare for my worst case scenario/IVF.  I called the doctor's office to find out if it offers financing.  They work with some program called ARC fertility.  I contacted them to get the lowdown.  In the end it sounds like a bad insurance situation.  Basically to get the best monetary deal, you need to fail every single round of IVF.  Isn't that horrible?  I guess that's what happens when you don't have the money to pay out of pocket.  Here's just a sample of their plan.

3 rounds fresh IVF & 3 rounds frozen IVF (that's six total): $26, 989.20

They'll loan you this amount at an interest rate of 3.9% to 19.9% and you can pay it off in 24 to 84 months.

You can apply for a refund pkg that will be thousands of dollars, but they won't give you an exact amount until the actuary calculates your risk assessment.  But let's say it's an additional $5,000.  So if you fail all six rounds, I believe you'll get about $15,000 back.  (Don't quote me on this just yet.)

How does this impact me?

I have a poor ovarian reserve.  That means I have more bad eggs than good.  I have 18 follicles.  If the doctor is able to get all 18 of them to produce an egg for that cycle of IVF, she would only expect to have three viable eggs at the most.  Now you have to calculate the chance that all three will fertilize properly. Basically, the chances of me having anything left over to freeze is slim.  ARC says if I don't have any frozen embryos for the frozen IVF (or FET: frozen egg transfer ), I just forfeit those procedures.  Say what?

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant the first time and deliver a healthy child, I do not get a refund on the other five procedures in the package.  I just paid $26, 989.20 for a procedure that should be about $10,000

Also, that 26 grand does not include the medications that I will need, nor will it cover any genetic testing my doctor may want to preform to make sure she is putting the best possible embryo in my womb.

I hope this all makes sense to you. I'm not sure it makes sense to me, which is why I may be confusing you.

My insurance only covers the diagnosis of your infertility. It will not cover anything to get you pregnant.

This ARC situation seems rather shady, but I'm not above using it if I get desperate enough.  (I know.  It's sad, but I'm being honest.)  However, some ladies told me to go to some local credit unions and try to get a personal loan.  That way I have more control over how the money is spent.  Due to our country's current economic situation, I doubt I'll be able to secure a $30,000 loan.  That does not mean I won't give it a try.

Negative IUI

I got my official negative today.  After getting over the emotional part of it, I was darn right mad that I spent half the amount of a fabulous, but small, Louis Vuitton ($781) on pure torture.  I paid to be on edge for two weeks and ultimately feel like shit.  I'm starting to wonder if  a drug addiction would be a better investment (I know, bad joke).

Anyways, I have gone back and forth on whether to jump back into another cycle.  I think I'm going to take a break and drink lots of coffee and wine because this crap was enough to make we want to drive to the Bay Bridge and take a leap.

I'm just hoping the progesterone doesn't delay the start of the ol' period too much. I want to get her over with.  I've got a vacation to go on.

I'm not going to call the doctor for awhile.  She is way too optimistic and will talk me out of my planned caffeine and alcohol binge. I can't be having that!

Bleh!

It's not looking good, folks.  The normal signs of Aunt Flo are rearing their ugly heads.  So be prepared for IUI #2.  I'll probably cry on Sunday, but not today.

Who Puked?

Who puked, you ask?  It was me. I puked after the IUI.  I thought that was supposed to happen after the New Year's Eve toast and a vat of liquor.

Soo...I guess I didn't adequately research this IUI situation.  It started off smoothly.  My doctor talked me through every step.  Feet in the stir ups, inserting this here, applying this there and voila!  I was done. She told me to lie on the table for at least ten minutes before we could leave.  I stayed there for 15 minutes for good measure.

As each minute ticked by, I got cramps and THEY GREW STRONGER. I started to have a minor freak out.  Mind you, before the procedure started she told me that I'd have cramps, but I thought she meant I'd possibly feel ovulation later tonight. I was obviously mistaken.  By the time we  left, I couldn't fake it anymore. I was grimacing with my head on hubby's shoulder.  The doctor saw me and called me back in her office.  Her words, " I got you good."  I was in so much pain I couldn't laugh.  She hit the top of my uterus just like she wanted and my body was indeed reacting to it.  It reacted so much that I started feeling nauseous.  She prescribed me some meds, but I didn't fill the prescription. I'm a big girl.

When hubby and I hit the hall, I knew I wasn't going to make it to the car.  We ran into the nearest bathroom and I tossed my cookies.  I guess that's a poor term for this situation.  Since I hadn't eaten anything, there wasn't a single cookie in there.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way.  Here are some of the highlights from today's session.

The Semen Sample: 

My husband is a task master.  The night before he laid out our plan. We had to be up at a certain time to walk and feed the dogs, take our showers, get dressed and have everything we needed waiting downstairs.  Once he finished his deposit, he wanted to get in the car immediately and that's exactly what we did.  I had his half of a potential baby tucked away under my shirt in my very small bosom.  He forgot to write his name on it, so he freaked out a bit because I had already handed it over to the nurse. No harm, no foul.  They knew it was his and labeled it as such.

It turns out that his antibiotics worked. The doctor said she didn't find any of those pesky misshapen ones in this batch.

My Crazy Doctor: 

This woman keeps me laughing.  Her top quotes today:

"I'm inserting the super swimmers into your very fertile looking uterus."  Who says that?

She asked Hubby if he wanted to actually insert the sample.  I didn't let him answer. I quickly said NO! No time for novices.  To that she replied, "OK. Don't come after me for child support."

Me: 

I felt sensations in the days leading up to my trigger shot. I wouldn't call them cramps. but I was very aware that my ovaries were working.  After the shot, I didn't feel them as much. As I told you above, I definitely felt CRAMPS and nauseous, after the IUI.  About five to ten minutes after I threw up, I was fine.  Again, I am aware of my nether regions, but I definitely am not feeling cramps at the moment.

Love:

I don't know what the future holds for me and my husband, but no matter what happens I will always love him dearly for today.  His kindness, care and words were more than anything I could have asked for. He was so calm, so positive and encouraging.

Strangeness:

The IUI/Insemination situation is so strange.  It's kind of like you just had sex without the sex. I've learned from this cycle that I don't like the Trigger shot and I sure as hell am not crazy about the IUI. I hope and pray this works.  I hope and pray that I don't lose my mind over the next two weeks.

I have to start taking progesterone tomorrow.

#2013BABYRASS

Blood, Drugs & Nerves

Sh*t is getting so real right now.  Here's the rundown:

1. Bloodwork---
    My thyroid is a bit too overzealous sluggish. I have to take meds for that. I don't know the cost yet.

2. Prepping for an IUI---EXPENSIVE
    Femara + Progesterone = $250
    Trigger shot = $80
    Say what? I'm broke!

3. Ovulation Prediction Sticks---CHEAP
    Pack of 50 that includes 10 pregnancy tests = $20 (Thank you, Amazon)

4.  My Nerves---SHOT. I'm a freaking mess.

I started off this month ready to go.  My doctor gave me a plan and I was committed to getting it done. But now I'm starting to get a bit of cold feet. I'm wondering if I'm rushing things.  Should I wait until next month?  If this IUI doesn't work, the hurt will be so much more than emotional.  It will be physical (like I'm gonna break something).  Look at all of that money!  The prices above don't even include doctors visits and the actual cost of the procedure.

With all of that said, I am super excited. This doctor moves fast (in a good way) and answers questions quickly. There's no waiting, which is imperitive because my middle name is NOT patience. I had my blood drawn at 8:30 this morning, she had the results by 12:30 in the afternoon.  She told me the problems she spotted and had a possible solution ready (medicine).  If I email her, I have a response within ten minutes. It's amazing... and unnerving. I told my husband that she is either perfect or secretly evil.  My attempts to dig up dirt on her have failed...so far.

I'll begin taking two Femara for the next five nights. I'm praying I don't have any mood swings. If all goes well, I'll be on track for an IUI during the first week of January *fingers crossed*.  I know there's only a seven to ten percent chance of pregnancy, but...I'm still hoping for the best.

I don't want anything material for Christmas.  I just want guidance, happiness, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I hope that all of your dreams come true.  Don't forget to thank Jesus for his sacrifice:-)