The Strange Ways Infertility Affects You

My puppy Wally is 11 months old, and we took him in to get neutered Friday.

I kept thinking, "Damn!  I'm paying thousands of dollars to buy some fertility, and I'm paying someone to take Wally's.  That just sucks. LOL!"

My boy endured the surgery like a champ.  He has no clue he's supposed to rest, but we're forcing him to do it.  By the way,  "R.I.P" to the cone in the picture.  Wally destroyed that thing within hours of getting home.  My husband had to rush out to buy another one.

As for me, I'm better.  The Hubs and I are still together.  He said he wasn't going to let something like infertility split us apart.  He's a nice fella.  I've stopped going to the shrink, but I'm back with my acupuncture dude (he doesn't sugar coat stuff.  I need honest people, not folks spewing nonsense about hope, prayer and faith. I need truth and action, along with hope, prayer and faith).

I stay busy by hanging with Wally and Roxie.  Mr. Wally is all Aussie, all the time.  It can be annoying, but I am thankful for it.  Walking him, taking him to the park, and training him, keeps my mind off my strong desire for babies.

We're going in Tuesday to transfer our remaining embryo.  With that, we will close this part of our infertility journey.  I'll probably have surgery to remove my fibroids, and go from there.

It's Over

I never understood how couples could implode, after going through so much during the infertility journey, but now I get it.   There's only so much failure you can take, before you start to reevaluate everything.

Is THIS what I want?

Is this the person I want?

Do I like this person?

Do I like me?

Do I like who I've become?

Do I like us?

If I can't have the life I dreamed of, is it time to just start from scratch?  New me? New career?  New partner?  New everything?

It's hard to focus on what's right when such a big thing continues to go wrong.  Then, new questions emerge.

How do I start over?

How do I make this pain go away?

Is there a happy ending for someone like me?

Another Day, Another Negative

ART failure number 4 is official.  I took the test this morning.  It was negative.  I celebrated with a trip to Chick-fil-A.  I even got a large fry:-)  Go Me!


I would have prefered vodka, and possibly a highly addictive drug.

10 Days Post IUI

I am ten days post IUI.  I'm 99.9% sure I'm NOT pregnant, but there's still that little bit of hope.  Damn!

Anyway, I kind of want to stop taking my progesterone because I'll have two complete boxes left, instead of opening one up for the last three days of this situation.

Of course I'm thinking about testing early, but I don't have a test at home.  I'm too chicken to go buy one from the store because I just feel stupid.  I'd rather buy pads and tampons.  In fact, I need to pick up some of those.  I think I'll pay for the sanitary napkins and make Hubby pick up a home test for me.  It's the least he can do:-)

I am going to a baby shower on Saturday for a friend having twins.  I am afraid to go, but I know it will be so fancy that I want to see it.  I know that's dumb.  The truth is, I feel like this is my test and I feel like I can make it.  Men are invited, so it's kind of like a regular party.  I plan to stick to my husband like glue and hang out in the men circles.  I can feign love of all things sports.

With that said, I've completely stopped talking to my pregnant best friend.  I guess we weren't really best friends?  She's totally consumed with pregnancy. It's all she talks about and I just can't handle it.  I'm working on my fourth ART failure here.  It's hard to listen to someone who has pregnancy brain.  My mother says maybe if I told my pal that at the start of her pregnancy, my second FET failed, and my fibroids are growing, and my recent IVF failed and had to be converted to an IUI, maybe she would get it.  However, I don't want to kill her joy.  I just decided to pull back and because we live so far away, I just pulled all the way out of the relationship.  It hurts, but life must go on and so it is.

I have found a primary care doctor and I'm going for a physical next Monday.  It's my first one as an adult.  I know. I'm not exactly a walking example of how to take care of yourself.  Hopefully, I 'm not too traumatized when it's over.
 

Hot Flashes

I'm 33!

Hot Flashes?

Really?

Progesterone, you are the devil.  You are the devil in a vaginal insert.

Serenity NOW!


This dramatic moment brought to you by an insane infertile :-)

Carry on.

Questions

Do IUIs really even work?  I mean aren't they just sex, without the sex?  If I can't get pregnant through sex, how will an IUI do the trick?  I prefer to call the procedure WOM, waste of money.  Hopefully, the insurance picks up most of it:-)

SERIOUSLY?!  Why is my life so difficult?

Why does the lunchroom keep making delicious rice crispy treats?  I can't resist them, especially when I'm I the middle of an infertility tragedy.  Damn!

AND AND, my freaking pants are unbelievably tight today.  Did that stop me from purchasing the rice crispy treat? NO

Is it really ONLY Monday?  Where is the mercy, Jesus?  Show it to me now!!!!

Alright. Meltdown over.  I will return to my beloved rice crispy treat and continue to pray that my tight pants refrain from ripping.

 

IUI #2 -- DONE!

Do I get a badge?  I should get a badge because I just finished IUI #2 like a champ.  That torture device they put in my nether region tried to break me down, but I was strong and endured.  Of course I cried in the 15 minutes Witch Doctor makes you wait after the procedure.  It was a short burst of sadness for the state of my reproductive life.  Hubby sang to me and well, I couldn't be sad after that. There's something about a man whispering, yet singing an r-n-b song as hard as he can, that just melts all the troubles away-- temporarily.

When it was all over, I came home to my sweet pups and resumed my role as Dog Park Mom.  So life goes on....