Pick-Me-Up Needed

Bleh!  Two more of my friends/acquaintances have delivered healthy baby girls in the past two months.  I'm trying to keep my promise to celebrate people's joy and not turn it into my personal pity party. BUT IT IS SO DANG HARD.

I wish Baby Center would talk about that. Ugh!  This country pretends that it is changing when it comes to infertility, but it's not.  If your baby talk isn't about dust, angels and a positive pregnancy test, no one wants to talk to you. So, you keep all of your fears, frustrations and failures inside and become ridiculously depressed.  I guess that's why I'm so glad that blogger has provided a space where I can at least have an outlet. But if I'm too negative, no one will want to read it.

So! Here are the things for which I AM thankful:

1. Life
2. Family (especially my hubby)
3. Employment
4. My dogs (Missy & Roxie)

With that said, I will leave you with a picture of Roxie, my 'special' four-legged child:-)

Yup! She's sun bathing... upside down:-)

This strange little dog always makes me smile.

Performance Anxiety

I have always had performance anxiety.  Whenever someone expects something great from me, I just can't meet the expectation.  I guess I have this underdog mentality. If you say I can't do it, then dang it, I want to do it better than anyone else can.

Soo... with that said, here's my issue. I want a baby sooo badly, but I have a real and sincere issue with baby making time.  Because I'm expected to be in the mood, I can't get in the mood. It takes the fun out of it and I have to be honest: a lot of the time we miss the actual "special" time because, for lack of a better term, I can't get IT (my libido) up.

I've spoken with my husband about this. He tries his hardest to talk some sense into me, but I just... can't.  I'm pretty much like this about every part of my life. BUT now I am starting to annoy myself. How can I get my angel child, if I can't do this simple thing. Why is it easier for a crackhead to have a child than me? Ugh! Why is this so hard?!

Now that I've delved into the personal and probably grossed someone out, let's think of something pretty and simple, like grapes:-) 

Fertility Monitor Fail!

Soooo.... my $200 piece of electronic snake oil has failed.  That's right my clear blue easy fertility monitor is already jacked up.

It is stuck on day 8, so that means it ain't monitoring a dang thing.  I don't know what I did with the booklet of directions, but I'm on the hunt for it.  I plan to call the 1-800-number and get some info.  It's not fair to be infertile AND have a broken fertility monitor, is it?

Well, I'm off to indulge in something that never lets me down: a soy pumpkin spice latte.

P.S.  I guess the hubby and I will just have to "go at it like rabbits" and hope for a miracle.

Things that make you go hmmm...

Sooo...a new study came out showing a bit of a benefit for husbands of infertile women such as myself.  It turns out they have higher testoterone levels than men with children.

This is the image I got when I googled testosterone. I'm assuming it's the molecular makeup?

Some folks say it makes sense because lower testoterone levels allow good fathers to be more loving toward their children.  It made me think: is my man less loving? hmmm....

I'm just kidding.  I have to find something to laugh about because once again I wasn't lucky enough to make a baby this time around.  Although I knew my chances were slim due to a very busy month, it still hurt a little. BUT.. and it's a big BUT... I was proud that I only pouted half a day and moved on.

Here's my plan:

Try, try and try some more.

Waiting and Drinking

While I'm waiting on my angel to make his/her way to me, I'm enjoying life and my awesome friends.

My bestie and her honey came to visit me and my husband for Labor Day weekend.  We took it upon ourselves to explore the wonders of Napa!! I am not a wine drinker, in fact I used to think wine was a bit unfair. I felt the first sip tasted like grape juice. Then I would swallow and ugh! There was a terrible aftertaste.

Well, let me tell you: after this Napa trip, my outlook has changed. We hit up two wineries: Mondavi and Castillo di Amoroso. They were perfect for someone trying to "fake it to make it" in the social world of wine. I tried whites, Cabs and Merlots. I was able to swallow them all without major complaints. We even paired a couple with chocolate (yum!).

In between sips of wine, we laughed, talked and just enjoyed each others company. I definitely didn't leave Napa ready to write the sequel to Sideways, but I did leave with a new appreciation for the process: the growing, the fermenting, the waiting and the pouring.

In the end, I turned out to be a moscatto girl (so did my bestie's boyfriend--ha!). I liked the sugary taste. My husband and bestie liked what I call the mature wines-- the Cabs and such.

It was definitely tons of fun:-)

Beyonce's Belly!

Thanks, Beyonce.  I'm glad to know you get everything: talent, fame, success and a baby!  I'm totally jealous and I want a Beyonce Belly!




A few weeks ago, Beyonce's baby news would have sent me spiraling into tears and depression, but not now.  At this moment, I am hoping and praying that I will experience the same joy she feels.  Every time I look at the picture above, I am amazed at the sheer happiness on her face. It is beautiful and I can't wait for my time.

Today, a friend of mine posted something interesting on Facebook.  She's engaged and went to her first pre-marriage counseling session.  The preacher basically told her to thank God, before she actually gets whatever blessing she desires.  As I sat in my chair staring at the post, I started thanking him for my future child.  I don't know when my baby will arrive or how, but I am already thankful for her or him.

Now...on a side note: I forgot to pack my fertility monitor when I went out of town.  I hope I didn't mess up the thing.  I need that $200 piece of electronic snake oil to at least appear to be giving me useful information.

Interruptions

So I've been so excited about my trip to Vegas and my new job that I didn't take the time to consider how jacked up this cycle is about to get.

My next two weeks will be very busy and I won't be with my husband for a couple of days.  I have a sneaking suspicion that those days will be my fertile days. Grrr!  The old fertility monitor says I'm on cycle day eleven and my hormone levels are still low *shaking head in disgust*!

I am so happy that I have something to do besides obsess over creating my baby angel, but I hate wasting precious months.  I mean... when it gets down to it, we only have 12 opportunities a year to get it done.  Time is not on my side.

Oh well, I will concentrate on the positive. 

So here's the list.

1. I get to take my fertility monitor on a trip.  I'll get to see how "she" handles airport security and a visit with my mother.

2.  The two week wait shouldn't be much of a problem because you can't be pregnant, if you don't hit the sweet spot (if you know what I mean).

3. I'm going to have some fun (just not at the critical baby-making time).