Happy Birthday!

Well, I am just days from my 31st birthday.  I am so thankful that I've survived this long on Earth, but... there's always a but... I'm still not pregnant. I still have no children and I'm starting to think I may not ever have one.

Another friend just had her first child and I still have... two dogs.  This really sucks.  My mom was a young mom and I always made fun of the kids with old looking parents.  If I ever have a kid, I will BE one of those old looking parents.  How sad, right?

I asked the hubby if I could get a third dog so I'd feel like I have a new baby, but he said no (ha!).  It's okay though.  I'll celebrate the positives of not having children on my 31st birthday.

1. I don't have to hire a babysitter
2. I can have a nasty hangover and not have to worry about taking care of a young child
3. The husband and I can walk around naked all day long, without setting a bad example for a child:-)

I may not have everything I thought I'd have by age 31, but if the Lord allows me to make it to my big day.  I'm going to doll myself up and enjoy it.  I AM HAPPY TO BE ALIVE.

Cheers to life:-)

The Irrational

"Can heartburn, two weeks before your period, be a sign of pregnancy?"

Yup! I googled that. I'm not proud of it, but I did it.  I know that once again, there is no chance of pregnancy because I missed the window. BUT I just can't help myself.  Sometimes you just have to admit you're irrational and get a good laugh out of it. Laughter is always better than tears:-) A big, pretty margarita would be even better. Ha!

Here's to another two week wait. I guess it's technically one week for me, at this point:-)

Pick-Me-Up Needed

Bleh!  Two more of my friends/acquaintances have delivered healthy baby girls in the past two months.  I'm trying to keep my promise to celebrate people's joy and not turn it into my personal pity party. BUT IT IS SO DANG HARD.

I wish Baby Center would talk about that. Ugh!  This country pretends that it is changing when it comes to infertility, but it's not.  If your baby talk isn't about dust, angels and a positive pregnancy test, no one wants to talk to you. So, you keep all of your fears, frustrations and failures inside and become ridiculously depressed.  I guess that's why I'm so glad that blogger has provided a space where I can at least have an outlet. But if I'm too negative, no one will want to read it.

So! Here are the things for which I AM thankful:

1. Life
2. Family (especially my hubby)
3. Employment
4. My dogs (Missy & Roxie)

With that said, I will leave you with a picture of Roxie, my 'special' four-legged child:-)

Yup! She's sun bathing... upside down:-)

This strange little dog always makes me smile.

Performance Anxiety

I have always had performance anxiety.  Whenever someone expects something great from me, I just can't meet the expectation.  I guess I have this underdog mentality. If you say I can't do it, then dang it, I want to do it better than anyone else can.

Soo... with that said, here's my issue. I want a baby sooo badly, but I have a real and sincere issue with baby making time.  Because I'm expected to be in the mood, I can't get in the mood. It takes the fun out of it and I have to be honest: a lot of the time we miss the actual "special" time because, for lack of a better term, I can't get IT (my libido) up.

I've spoken with my husband about this. He tries his hardest to talk some sense into me, but I just... can't.  I'm pretty much like this about every part of my life. BUT now I am starting to annoy myself. How can I get my angel child, if I can't do this simple thing. Why is it easier for a crackhead to have a child than me? Ugh! Why is this so hard?!

Now that I've delved into the personal and probably grossed someone out, let's think of something pretty and simple, like grapes:-) 

Fertility Monitor Fail!

Soooo.... my $200 piece of electronic snake oil has failed.  That's right my clear blue easy fertility monitor is already jacked up.

It is stuck on day 8, so that means it ain't monitoring a dang thing.  I don't know what I did with the booklet of directions, but I'm on the hunt for it.  I plan to call the 1-800-number and get some info.  It's not fair to be infertile AND have a broken fertility monitor, is it?

Well, I'm off to indulge in something that never lets me down: a soy pumpkin spice latte.

P.S.  I guess the hubby and I will just have to "go at it like rabbits" and hope for a miracle.

Things that make you go hmmm...

Sooo...a new study came out showing a bit of a benefit for husbands of infertile women such as myself.  It turns out they have higher testoterone levels than men with children.

This is the image I got when I googled testosterone. I'm assuming it's the molecular makeup?

Some folks say it makes sense because lower testoterone levels allow good fathers to be more loving toward their children.  It made me think: is my man less loving? hmmm....

I'm just kidding.  I have to find something to laugh about because once again I wasn't lucky enough to make a baby this time around.  Although I knew my chances were slim due to a very busy month, it still hurt a little. BUT.. and it's a big BUT... I was proud that I only pouted half a day and moved on.

Here's my plan:

Try, try and try some more.

Waiting and Drinking

While I'm waiting on my angel to make his/her way to me, I'm enjoying life and my awesome friends.

My bestie and her honey came to visit me and my husband for Labor Day weekend.  We took it upon ourselves to explore the wonders of Napa!! I am not a wine drinker, in fact I used to think wine was a bit unfair. I felt the first sip tasted like grape juice. Then I would swallow and ugh! There was a terrible aftertaste.

Well, let me tell you: after this Napa trip, my outlook has changed. We hit up two wineries: Mondavi and Castillo di Amoroso. They were perfect for someone trying to "fake it to make it" in the social world of wine. I tried whites, Cabs and Merlots. I was able to swallow them all without major complaints. We even paired a couple with chocolate (yum!).

In between sips of wine, we laughed, talked and just enjoyed each others company. I definitely didn't leave Napa ready to write the sequel to Sideways, but I did leave with a new appreciation for the process: the growing, the fermenting, the waiting and the pouring.

In the end, I turned out to be a moscatto girl (so did my bestie's boyfriend--ha!). I liked the sugary taste. My husband and bestie liked what I call the mature wines-- the Cabs and such.

It was definitely tons of fun:-)