Wine Time

I was never much of a wine drinker, but thanks to my husband's quest to add sophistication to my life, I've become a bottom's up kind of girl.  I don't go for anything too fancy.  I prefer sweet, cheap red wines.  Right now, my favorite is a ten dollar bottle of Jam Jar.  It's a sweet Shiraz that rocks my socks.

I went wine tasting. This is totally a joke.  I don't walk the streets like this.

I have been indulging in the ol' Jam Jar by using the excuse that red wine has resveratrol.  Yes, resveratrol. It's an antioxidant found in the skin of red grapes.  In reality, even the biggest wino wouldn't be able to get all of the resveratrol needed to make a difference in their health, from a bottle of wine.  That's why I take it in pill form.

There are studies that show it helps to protect against age-related infertility.  There are also studies claiming it helps the lining of the uterus.  I don't know if it really works, but as always, I'm popping the pill because it certainly can't hurt.  I've been taking it for about three months now, along with a host of other things.

So anyways...on the "trying" front, there's not much going on over here.  I'm waiting once again for my cycle to start, but this time I'm not so impatient.  I'm taking measured steps so I don't get myself all worked up for a meltdown.

I don't know if you can tell, but I went buck wild with the link tool on this post.  I figure it will help in the future when I read this.  I'll have quick access to what the heck was going on in my demented little mind.

TV & Fibroids?

TV & Fibroids... could there be a connection?

I don't know.  I'm not an expert, but my acupuncturist threw some details at me today.  As he was assessing my situation and figuring out where to prick me with his magic needles, he asked, "is there a TV in your room?"

Well of course there is a TV in my room.  I have had a television in my room since I was seven.  I love watching TV in the bed.  I have actually talked to other wives who told me to get that thing out of the bedroom.  They say the bed is for lovin'!  While I agree with the lovin' part, I also believe the bed is awesome for popcorn and a good ol' show.

Anyway, the acupuncturist went on to ask me if the TV is on my side of the bed.  My TV is not directly next to my bed, but it is in the front of the room, kinda to the left. I sleep on the left side of the bed. OMG, right?  My "needle man" went on to tell me to just unplug the TV.  He says in his Feng Shui world, televisions in the bedroom contribute to tumor growth (fibroids are essentially benign tumors).

I was stunned.  I know he is not the authority and there's no research that I know of to back this up, but I'll try anything that doesn't involve surgery.  So guess what?  I'm unplugging the TV tonight.  I'm also moving the phone and iPad off my nightstand.  I know these fibroids won't disappear without a miracle.  So I will do whatever I can to keep them mild.  This uterus IS about to roll out the welcome mat for my babies.  I don't have time for games.

My best friend's co-workers is a 40+-year-old woman who is pregnant with triplets.  It took her multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point.  She said when she told her husband she was pregnant, he changed his phone wallpaper.  He simply put the word "FINISH" on there.  She said she didn't understand at first, but now she does.  Her goal is to get to the finish line with three healthy babies.

Of course when I first read her blog, I thought, "whatever" (because I was still a mental hot-n-spicy mess), but now I get it.  My 2013 theme for this blog has been #BABYRASS2013 or some variation of it.  Well now it is FINISH. I will finish this mission.  Fibroids didn't stop me from starting it and God willing, they won't stop me from finishing. 

Pray for me, please:-)

#FINISH

Can I be 100% ?

I told my RE that I have decided against going to the specialist.  Guys, I'm out of money and at this point, I can't afford to see him. I figure he'll probably tell me to get surgery.  I'm done with surgeries that don't have something to do with saving my life.

This was my RE's emailed response:


"the goal is this: [you are] 100% secure in our decision to move forward without removing fibroids"


If that's the goal, then I know a trip to the specialist ain't worth the money.  Doctors are a necessary evil for me. I try to avoid them as much as possible, which is pretty funny considering how much I have to see them just to have a child. Lord!  Anyway, here's why a doctor can never make me feel 100%:


1. I got my first pap smear at 22.  (Late, right?) Since that first visit to the GYN, I always asked, "Is there anything wrong?"  I was always told I was perfect.  At 27 I finally pushed the issue because I'd been married two years and wasn't pregnant.  The doctor ordered an ultrasound to humor me.  Lo and behold, I had fibroids so big that the technician was stunned I'd never felt them.  Well, imagine how stunned I was that a doctor never felt them either.

2.  My first RE told me removing the fibroids should lead to pregnancy.  Uhm, that was two years ago.  Guess who's not pregnant?  oh...that would me.

3.  My current RE!  Before I started taking hormones for the egg retrieval, I asked her if she thought my uterus could handle this.  She told me YES!  Then all of sudden she had concerns as we were preparing for the transfer.

I won't be 100% until I have a baby, who is born alive.  I won't be 100%, until the child grows into an amazing adult and changes the world.  I won't be 100%, until I die knowing I gave my child everything possible to survive this crazy world.

So... with that said, I just have to move on.

I have been off the crazy hormones for about six weeks and I am finally feeling like myself.  Folks, I was wildin' out.  As you can probably tell from my posts, I was extremely sensitive and emotional.  I knew I was completely off when I lost my mind and yelled...I mean YELLED...at a coworker.  That's not me and that's not my style at all.

I apologized to that co-worker, but until that moment, I didn't realize how out of control I was feeling.  That powerless feeling multiplied by 1,000 when the doctor checked my uterus.

Now that I am back to myself, I realize she was just doing her due diligence.  Now, I'm ready to move forward.  So hopefully, I'll be able to start taking the pills for the transfer next month.  Please pray for me!  I need it:-)

Random

There are funny moments during this mess called infertility.

Well...I think they're funny. I hope they at least help someone crack a smile.

1.  Royal Bee Jelly.  It's a supplement I take in hopes of improving my egg quality.  It is a sticky, brown substance that tastes and smells disgusting.  I like to eat a little and then chase my husband around the house, threatening him with a "bee jelly-licious" kiss.  He hates it and says I remind him of the zombies in 'Walking Dead.' It cracks me up.

2.  Every time a new bill arrives, a tune pops into my head.  "Can you pay my Bills...can you pay my telephone bills...can you pay my IVF bills."  That's right! I have reworked the old Destiny's Child classic to fit my situation.  CAN SOMEONE PAY MY IVF BILLS? I'm for real:-)

3. My dog, Roxie, is a small dachshund mix that weighs about 15 pounds.  She is our baby.  I'm talking my baby, my husband's baby and my other dog's baby.  She rules the house and gets away with murder because she's the little one.  Well, if hubby and I are all cuddled up, she likes to squeeze her short-legged self between us.  I constantly tell her, "You are not stopping any baby-making, Boo.  We go to labs to make babies."  LOL!  I don't think she understands or cares, but it's clear she does not want any other babies, human or canine, coming up in here.

4.  When my Mother and Aunt visited me, I explained all of my supplements to them.  Mom was a great sport and took a few pills so I wouldn't feel alone in the experience.  But she made it clear that she did not want anything that would wake up her 50+-year-old ovaries. LOL!  I told her if the pills wake up her ovaries, we better call the company so they can use her in a commercial.  The money she would make, could definitely pay my IVF bills:-)

5.  My good friend with a brash sense of humor, offered to be my surrogate for free.  Then she started adding stuff.  She wanted maternity clothes, as well as a tummy tuck and boob reduction afterwards.  By the time, she finished her list, I told her I didn't want her services anymore.  We had a good laugh off her diva demands.  Because she is so rough around the edges, she always manages to make me laugh at the worst moments of my journey.  I think it's because she doesn't pity me.  She doesn't have the ability to pity anyone. I love her for it.

What Did You Call My Embryos?

Soo...My Mom and I were talking about my situation because I received an unexpected bill related to the embyros' biopsies.  In the middle of the conversation she said, "How much does it cost for them to keep those things?"

Things?!

I quickly said, "They are not THINGS. They are my em-babies!!"  My poor Mother immediately realized her error, as these "things" are her grandchildren.

Don't worry. I didn't get my panties in a bunch. It was totally a funny moment that we both laughed out loud about.  My mother has decided to refer to my "things" as frosties.  I think it's cute.  I sure hope one of those frosties decides to make us his or her family.  I'd love to bestow him or her with the name of Frosty:-)

Why I Dislike Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian!  She's a controversial, money-making figure that we can't escape.  Most people dislike her because of a number of things: sex tape, reality show, dating a rapper, possible fake butt... I don't care about any of those things.  In fact, I used to defend her.  She has to be good at something because she is making more cash than me.

But here's why I hate dislike her now.  She managed to trivialize the heart-breaking disease that is infertility.  When she began discussing her pregnancy she said something like..."Khloe talks about her problems, but I (Kim) haven't."  Kim went on to talk about a trip to a doctor, in which the doctor told her she had low levels.  Kim tried to make it seem as if she could be infertile because she was on birth control pills.

NEWS FLASH, KIM: BIRTH CONTROL PILLS SUPPRESS YOUR HORMONES TO PREVENT OVULATION. THAT'S WHY YOUR LEVELS WERE LOW.

Kim got pregnant within a year of TRYING. Yes, I say trying. It's obvious she wanted that baby.  However, she saw the backlash coming because uhm...she's still technically married.  She's technically married and CHOSE to have a child with someone else.  To quiet that brewing shit storm, she dropped the big "I" word...INFERTILITY.

Kim, let me tell you what infertility is:

+Trying for nearly seven years to get pregnant (keep in mind, I never took a birth control pill, until I started the IVF process. The doctor used them to suppress my hormones so she could control them.)

+Failing an IUI, even though you produced three follicles

+Taking painful shots to get your ovaries to produce an unnatural amount of eggs for IVF

+Having a surgery to remove your fibroids and then finding out you still have a shit load of fibroids

+Waiting to find out if your embryos make it to day five

+Waiting to find out if they passed their Pre-implantation screening

+Fearing transferring the embryos back to your uterus because you're not sure your body can care for them

+Crying every night under the pressure of knowing a crackhead can get pregnant, but you can't.  Plus, watching the bills mount that you can't pay because you're not a reality star

I Want My Babies

As each day goes by, I'm starting to regret my decision to delay the transfer.  I want my babies!!  It's obvious that I let my fears, emotions and frustrations with my RE get the best of me.  I have to find a way to talk to her calmly and tell her why we just aren't clicking.

Let me tell you the stream of thoughts that ran through my head during our last appointment.  If you'll remember that's when she said my fibroids were all over.  She went on to perform a water ultrasound that showed they were not intruding on what she calls the baby cavity of the uterus.  Once she finished the ultrasound, she said everything is great.  Proceed with the protocol for the transfer, which means pop the estrogen pills.

Well!  The last time she told me everything was alright, I had a failed IUI.  You see, I'd had some blood work done before the IUI. I kept asking her the results and she said they were fine.  "We'll talk about them after your positive," she said.  I didn't get a positive.  After my negative, she decided to discuss my FSH levels, which were high for a woman my age and were indicative of diminished ovarian reserve or bad egg quality.

Do you see why I couldn't take her word that everything was fine with uterus?  I don't know when she's lying or telling the truth.  I just don't know.  That is why I went into a bit of a tailspin after that ultrasound.

After reluctantly praying every night and talking to my mother and husband, I realize that I will never get the assurance that I need.  No one knows if this will work.  But I swear if it doesn't work and the doctor says something about my fibroids, I won't be able to contain myself.  I may have to kick her.  Not hard...I don't want her to press charges or anything.  Just a good kick for her to get the point:-)

Even though I regret my decision to delay this process, I have to say it's nice not to be on some type of hormone for a minute.  With all of that said, I'm wondering if I really need to go to this specialist.  I'm wondering if it will ultimately be a waste of money, as his office has also managed to frustrate me already.

I called twice to try to make an appointment.  His nurse told me she never received anything from my doctor's office, which I knew was a lie.  I may have serious issues with my doctor, but her staff is top notch.  When they say they will do something, it gets done.  I have never caught them dropping the ball.  However, when this new doctor's nurse said they failed to send my referral, I told her I would email them.  She must have thought they were lazy, like her.  She was stunned when I called back five minutes later because they responded quickly, told me they'd faxed the referral the day before and quickly faxed it again. LOL!  Well, the nurse made up some lie about just seeing the referral right after I hung up.  I asked how come she didn't call back.  She started rambling on about something else. *sigh*

During our conversation, she told me this doctor doesn't perform ultrasounds.  I asked how he would be able to see my fibroids. She told me he performs a pelvic exam and would be able to tell from that.  That was a major flag.  No doctor has ever adequately diagnosed my fibroids without an ultrasound.  I spent years going to the OBGYNs asking them if they were sure I didn't have problems.  They always said nothing is wrong.  All of sudden I get an ultrasound after begging for help and...boom! I've got fibroids everywhere.

Anyway, the nurse quickly gave me an appointment, then called two days later to say she double booked and needed to move mine.  I don't know what to do.  I was never really a fan of doctors before and this experience makes things even worse for me.

I really wish I could just get pregnant the normal way...you know, sex?  

What I'd Really Like To Post....

As you can tell, I'm a pissed off chick.  I am an only child with a warped sense of humor.  I never really had any one to edit it.  It's also why I often have foot-in-mouth syndrome.  But believe me, those snafus are never ever as bad as what's floating in my mind.  So I decided to give this blog a glimpse of it.  I did edit it a bit because when I wrote this list, I was REALLY angry.  I figured no one should  know how dark I can get.  Here it goes....


What I'd really like to post on Facebook:

Congrats to all the new parents.  I hope your children steal your sleep, drain your bank account and ruin your chances of retirement.  Yay Kids!

What I'd like to tell my RE:

Maybe you shouldn't work while pregnant or maybe you aren't as good as you thought.  Thanks so much for helping me waste  $27,000.  I sure hope that you get to pay a year of your baby's school tuition with my debt.

What I wish:

I wish I had the balls to be a crackhead.  At least there would be fantastic seconds of GLORY that no one could take away, not even fibroids.

My future:

Shit with gold painted on it.  Hooray!

Three of my co-workers take a Krav Maga class. It's some sort of Israeli fighting technique (Jennifer Lopez used it in a movie called Enough).  I often laugh at them when they suggest I join in.  At the moment, I am wearing my hair straight and I do not have time to sweat.  That would cause my hair to draw up and that's not the style I'm going for right now.  But each day, I just get more angry and I'm unable to control the bitterness seeping through my words.  It's making me think that maybe I should look into these classes.  I'd get to yell, scream and beat the shit out of a person in pads.  Of course the fact that they'd be able to do the same to me, doesn't sit so well.

I'm Not Nuts

I'm sure by now you are tired of my highly depressing posts.  I know I am, but my life is what it is.  

So I talked to my RE on the phone yesterday.  I didn't have the guts to scream all of my anger at her because I'm pretty sure that when I am comfortable enough to get a transfer, I will need her help.  However, we did discuss my concerns.

She and my husband thought I planned to quit altogether.  I would never give up on my five em-babies, even though they are only essentially clumps of cells.  I am not quitting.  I just can't pretend that my uterus is rolling out the welcome mat for them, when it really isn't.

The doctor said she discussed my case with a doctor friend of hers.  They both agreed that I don't have fibroids in the "baby cavity," but the doctor friend was concerned that the bevy of fibroids in the other parts of my uterus could cause a baby-threatening early birth.

I am the product of pre-term labor, as is my beloved cousin.  I was born four pounds and spent about a month in the NICU.  In fact, they accidentally let me out early.  To make up for it, they sent a nurse to my house to check on me everyday.  They are certainly lucky that my mother wasn't litigious and only cared about having her baby home and healthy.

My cousin on the other hand, was barely two pounds.  There was no way he could be mistakenly released.  They told my Auntie to prepare for his death.  But he is a fighter and survived.  He spent most of my childhood getting on my last damn nerve:-)  To this day, he goes out of his way to make sure I am ok.  You would think he was the big cousin:-)

Our births are the reason I have to get more questions answered.  I have to know what to expect.  I know no one can predict the outcome, but I have to properly prepare.  Guys, I wasn't prepared for that IUI.  She didn't tell me about my poor egg quality until after it failed.  My hopes were so high that when I got an official negative result, I didn't know...it felt like something died. It was a devastation I wasn't prepared for.  I can't let that happen to me again.  More importantly, I'm not going to put an embryo in my uterus as a little test.  I am not a science experiment, nor are my embryos (ok, maybe we are.)

With all of that said, I plan to go see a doctor who specializes in ovarian cancer.  I do not have cancer and I hope I never have it.  However, his expertise in fighting ovarian cancer makes him a bit of an expert when it comes to fibroids and their possible impact on pregnancy.  We are hoping that he will be able to give an unbiased opinion of what my uterus is capable of doing.

While I am pretty mad at God, I'm still praying every night and hoping for the best.  I'll keep taking my supplements and going to acupuncture.  This will give me a break from those strong hormones and hopefully give my body a chance to return to itself for a moment.  I want to start Insanity cuz I am a bit fat at the moment, but I don't know if I have the balls for that right now.

Back To Normal

I have decided to suspend this IVF ride.  I want to be normal and I want to stop worrying.  I would also like to fit into my pants that loved me before this journey caused me to eat like a starving pig.

My husband is not happy with my decision. I am sorry to disappoint him, but he's not the one juggling dreams of 'success and babies' and then 'failure and suicide.'  The range of emotions I deal with every second has probably sent many folks to a shrink.  Thanks to my expensive ass IVF bill, I can't afford a shrink.  I have to do what I think is best.  I think it's best to bow out.  I wish I would have made this decision before the loan, the IVF and the embryos, but I can't change history. I can only do what I have to do now.

I'm not going to risk putting two embryos in my uterus when there is such strong concern about the fibroids.  It's really upsetting because I kept asking the doctor about this and she kept assuring me everything was OK....until Friday.

I don't know what to do now. I don't want another surgery and I don't want to put my embryos at risk.  So either I will figure this out or I will drink myself into oblivion.  Isn't my life awesome?

Reflection

I saw a picture of myself shortly after my failed IUI.  It was quite shocking to look at.  I've never seen a photograph of my face that reflected a moment and my true feelings so completely.  I had a tired, battered face and it failed miserably to hide behind a smile.

That smile looked heavy and so...difficult.

Today my doctor looked at my uterus again and she was silent for a second.  She's never silent.  Witty and wacky comments always fill the air when she's in the room.  This time she had nothing.  As I've said before, my uterus is a hot bed of fibroids.  They are all over. Sometimes, I question if I really had a myomectomy or if someone drugged me up and then pretended they performed surgery on me.

Well, the state of my uterus so concerned the doctor that she did a water ultrasound on me.  She shot water up my you-know-what and took pictures of its travels on a monitor.  She assures me that the results prove the fibroids are not intruding on the "baby cavity" of the uterus.  She says now she can sleep at night.  Good for her.  Not for me.

This thing is a total mind f*ck of epic proportions.  I'm not sure why there aren't reports of infertile women committing murder...or just losing their minds.

I begin pills on Monday to trick my body into thinking it's pregnant to prepare for transfer.  I have to go forward. I'm tired of the tears.  I'm tired of being a shell of a person.  It either works or it doesn't.  

Birth Control Pills...AGAIN!

I am on birth control pills, Players! I will be on them through the week in preparation for my FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER.

I have been having a hard time. I've been questioning why my Reproductive Endocrinologist chose this path for me. I've questioned everything about the IVF process. If you remember, my doctor only expected me to have two viable embryos out of ten because of my elevated FSH levels, which suggest poor egg quality.  We got more than two and I began to question if she was wrong about my diagnosis and something else is the problem.

I've been so low that I couldn't even muster a fake smile, but then several things happened: God, acupuncture and an upcoming visit from two of my favorite ladies, my Mother and my Aunt.

Despite my negativity, I kept praying at night for strength. My husband held my hand physically and mentally.  I had a fantastic acupuncture session that I felt got my blood pumping, then to cap it off, I attended a fabulous church service.  As my Mother says, sometimes you just need to go to the house to get some hope:-)

Finally, my Mother and Aunt are coming to visit me in two days.  They are my favorite two ladies and throughout my life, visits from them have set me straight and given me the strength to handle adversities small and large.

My description above may sound a little over the top, but try a round of fertility medications and get back to me on where your emotions take you.

As for my embryo babies, FIVE OF THEM PASSED the pre-implanation genetic screening (PGS/PGD).  So, you know how they pick and grade your embryos based on their appearance?  Well, my second "prettiest" em-baby failed the test. *gasp*  My doctor says it would have been one of the two they would have transferred into my uterus, if we hadn't done the testing.  It could have failed to attach or attached and gave us a late and devastating miscarriage.  I found these details so frightening and fascinating.

PGS also tells you the gender of your embryos.  That's a bit too much for me and my husband.  Some people may believe that IVF and such are works of the devil or playing God.  We don't.  We believe they are the works of God.  However, knowing the genders of the embryos and choosing the ones with which to become pregnant based on that, seems like playing God to us. We asked her not to show us any documentation that reveals gender.

I won't lie to you guys, I want to put all five em-babies back at once. I asked my doctor if that would be possible.  Of course, she told me no. LOL!  However, because I threw her that nice curve ball, she didn't try to convince us to only transfer one.  When the time comes, she will transfer two em-babies.  Unless, I can convince her of three. I know it's dumb, but I feel a strange sense of abandonment when it comes to leaving some behind.

It took me several days to stop saying we have six remaining embryos after we learned one failed the test. It felt odd to just stop caring about it, after I spent more than a week praying for it, thinking about it, hoping for it....

Uhm so back to the transfer.  Like the egg production/retrieval process, I am on birth control to suppress my natural hormones so that the doctor can control them.  Once I'm off the pill, they'll check my uterus to make sure all is well. Next I'll take hormones in a pill form to trick my body into thinking it is pregnant. That way the lining will be nice and thick to hold onto those babies for ten months:-)