5 days post FET #2

Tonight I will take what could be my very last progesterone shot (pio) for this cycle.  I have decided to test tomorrow because patience is NOT my middle name.

In case you're wondering, tomorrow will be six days past a five day transfer.  WooHoo!  I have had cramping on and off.  One time they felt like the ones that come before Aunt Flo.  Ugh!  I haven't had any spotting, but (TMI Warning)  I have had panty liners filled with leaks from those fantastic progesterone inserts.  Yuck!

I didn't remember being this crampy during the last FET, but upon reading some old posts, I apparently was.  This time around, I'm on so much progesterone that I'm surprised my uterus hasn't just cramped up and fallen out.  Seriously.  I'm taking two crinone inserts a day and a shot.  I've been googling to find other women who are partaking in the same protocol and have not found one.

I did find people saying they planned to ask their doctors to allow them to take both.  In those cases, the women had low progesterone levels at the time of their failure.  Being that I save every email from the witch doctor, I quickly pulled up the email detailing my progesterone levels from my last failure.  Guess what?  My level was great.  It was a 17.  Witch Doctor used the adjective, super.

Seriously, she put the word super in an email detailing my FET failure.  I wish I could put into words why I continue to stick with her.  I'm not sure she really knows what's wrong with me, but when it's time for procedures, she doesn't make me feel like an alien.  I have a tipped uterus.  I've been to doctors who couldn't get catheters and such up my canal.  Instead of remaining calm, they would basically make me feel like I had the worst body on Earth.  She never does that.  In fact, she never has problems inserting anything during any procedure (Pap smear to Transfer).  If she's having them, she doesn't let me know.  I really appreciate that.  I already feel like my body hates me and all things reproductive.  Having doctors freak out only makes the feelings worse.

But I digress....

I think my cramps are definitely a symptom of my pumped up progesterone use:-)  But there are moments when I think maybe it's implantation and it's all working.  Then I run after my dogs, get a jolt of the soreness from my butt, and remember how much progesterone I'm on.  In case you're confused, my a$$ is sore from those shots.  Running, jogging and fast walking awaken the soreness.

The hubby and I talked and decided that waiting to take the test isn't going to change the outcome.  If I get the expected failure, how I respond is my choice.  Will it hurt?  Yes.  Will I cry? likely.  But I have to let myself be upset to a point, and move on.  I never want to feel the way I felt the last time.  A part of me certainly died during that experience, but in a way it matured me.  I no longer look at everything through rose colored glasses.  Okay, one of the lenses is still rose.  I refuse to lose it.  I can't imagine life without a little bit of sunshine (rose shine?).  Now saying and doing are two different things, but I'm focused on doing.  Hopefully, I nail it.

As much as I tried to denounce God, my upbringing won't let me.  When I find myself praying, it's not for a positive.  It's for peace.  I just want peace, regardless of the outcome.